Her temples are pulsing and she feels like she has just landed right in Satan's kingdom and at the same time, dancing in the sky. The floor spins under her feet and she can't quite make out the moving forms around her. The latina's head buzzes, the mix of alcohol and a serious lack of sleep blissfully taking over her. She doesn't care anymore though. Puck invited her to one of his infamous parties which had only one purpose: getting wasted till one can't remember their name. This is exactly what she was doing. She had no control over everything else in her life at the moment but at least she had control over her body…. Partially and she was going to use that power to its maximum. Two hours after crossing Puck's door, she was as intoxicated as a Romanian army of ten thousand men in the biggest orgy of the year. There were moving forms around her, jumping and shoving Santana as she drunkenly made her way through the crowd to the full of booze fridge.
The room doesn't stop spinning and Santana is getting agitated with every step she makes. People won't stop moving around and shoving. One prick shoves her particularly hard and Santana stumbles back, collapsing into another body. The petite girl groaned and stood back up. She shoved back at the culprit violently at the culprit and watched them crash onto other people and onto the floor before she resumed her quest. Santana finally escaped the wild dance floor, and stumbled her way across the kitchen and to the fridge. She heard laughs coming from the door and before she realized anything, she was pushed aside by a group of jocks and cheerleaders. They pounced on the fridge and ravaged it from its contents. 'Oh joy' Santana thought as she walked out of the kitchen, there was nothing left for her there.
The fresh air coming from the guest's room window sent a chill down her spine. Santana sat in the dark room, head frown back in an attempt to sleep. At least all that alcohol should make her sleep right? Santana was squeezing her eyes shot in order to force herself to sleep when she heard the door open and muffled sobs fill the room. She straightened in her chair her eyes still closed. She stayed quiet, listening quietly as the sobbing girl (Santana assumed it was a girl) shuffled around in the room as her sobs got louder. It was full moon tonight so part of the room was slightly enlightening the room. Santana's embroiled mind could make out the girl's form walking in her general direction. She didn't speak up, just listened at the girl weeping. The girl exhaled a couple of expletives as she tripped on something on the floor and lost her balance and landed right into Santana's lap. Startled by the sudden human warmth, Santana went stiff, her going wide into the darkness. The other girl didn't seem to notice anything at first, as she resumed her sobs and curses. She shifted, lifting herself with the help of her left hand when it landed right on top of the armchair's occupant. Santana felt the girl tense and holding her breath. The girl shifted again, turning her body toward Santana and went still again. They stayed silent for a whole minute, before the girl leant forward and whispered
"Are you dead?"
Santana scoffed and rolled her eyes. Even drunk, such stupidity should not be allowed.
"What do you think?" Santana hissed. It seemed to startle the other girl, as she hastily got off the latina's lap and walked backward until she hit the bed and heavily flopped down on it.
"I'm so sorry… It's just…" She never finished that sentence but instead resumed her sobs. Santana watched quietly her form shaking. Sorrow seemed contagious as the latina felt her own wrapped up around her heart again, the alcohol in her system becoming useless.
"Look I'm not looking forward…" Santana started as she rubbed her temples.
"What's so wrong with me? Is it so horrible to love me?" The crying girl blurted out in between hiccups effectively silencing Santana. Her questions remained unanswered and resumed her rant.
"I don't even know why I'm bothering you with that"
Santana was still quiet. The other girl's words struck something inside her heart. 'She deserves better. She deserves the best. I'm not given the choice but I can't take it for her. I love her too much… I love her so much'
"Sometimes, love isn't enough."Santana finally answered looking at the ray of light piercing the room. "Love is not enough"
The other girl sniffed
"But we have each other. I know he loves me. It should be enough. It is enough"
"No it's not" Santana said as she balled her right fist. "You're still young. You will see it's not enough, you'll want more and when you'll realize he can't give you more…" Santana paused, her hands clawing at her armchair
'I can't give her a family…. A future' "What will you do? Will you stay? What are you going to do, when the only game played is who should be blamed? When resentment will settle down and divide your hearts?"
The girl stuttered "I…" Santana cut her off, urging her to answer.
"Will you stay? Will your love be enough?" the raven haired girl could feel the other girl's body trembling under the pressure of her strangled sobs. She remained silent, her face turned away from the Santana.
"That's what I was thinking. He probably did what was the best for both of you" Santana sighed as she slumped back in the chair. Santana was satisfied with what she had just done. After all, there was no need to feed the girl with illusions. Truth had to be faced no matter how harsh it was. She felt a pang of guilt creep inside her though. She was all big words with this girl, crushing her with her words but she couldn't even look Brittany in the eyes these days. Brittany was the truth she feared to face. She couldn't look into her girlfriend's eyes and see the hope of the future she dreamed, they both dreamed fade away. She won't do that, she would not let it happen. Her stomach churned and Santana felt nauseous. Her eyes widened comically and at that moment, she felt her afternoon rush to her throat. Darting out of the room, Santana ran to the toilet just in time to puke all she had in her stomach.
"Ugh…" Santana whimpered as she sat back next to the toilet after flushing it. She heard the bathroom door open and groaned. Why did people have to annoy her?
"For fuck sake! It's occupied asshole! Go piss in a pot" she screamed at the intruder. Deciding to ignore them, she closed her eyes and rested her head against the bathroom's tiled wall as the form kneeled down next to her.
"Are you okay?"The girl (Santana recognized her voice) whispered.
"You're never going to leave me alone, are you?" Santana bite back. The other didn't even notice her hostility or at least ignored it.
"I… I don't want to be alone" She whispered again. Santana sighed. She knew she was being unnecessarily harsh to her but she couldn't help it. She was not in a good place. She has never been in the first place.
"You're Brittany's girlfriend, right?" The question snapped Santana out of her daydreaming. She didn't move but was more than aware now of the girl's presence now.
"I recognized you… Brittany and I, we have dance together… She can't stop talking about you." Santana didn't know if she wanted to cry or laugh at the moment. She didn't deserve Brittany.
"You make her so happy" the other girl choked as a new wave of tears threatened to spill from her eyes. Santana didn't want to stay with that girl. This was not helping her mood. She made an attempt at standing up but stumbled on her way out and fell on her knees.
"Hey! There let me help you." The girl took hold of Santana by the waist and pulled her flush against her body.
"It's not that you're that sober yourself, huh?"The smaller girl giggled as they made their way out of the bathroom and stumbled in the other one they left.
"Ok, let's lay you down a bit"
The girl struggled to lay Santana on the mattress and free herself from her grip. That task was way more difficult than she thought. She stumbled and both girls ended up on the mattress. A groan escaped Santana's lips as her back crashed on something.
"Oh My god! I'm so sorry" She leant forward to remove the object but stopped her motion as Santana suddenly opened her eyes. She wasn't aware of their closeness until that moment and could feel the latina's breath tickle her lips. All thoughts left her mind as brown sad eyes bored into her. She felt bad for Santana, she wanted to comfort her as much as she needed to be comforted.
"You're pretty…" Santana whispered as she snaked an arm around the girl laid on top of her, bringing their bodies impossibly closer. She didn't know if it was the alcohol or sheer stupidity or both but she was growing excited by this situation, she could feel her body react as the other girl's chest pressed further into her own.
"Shirley… My name is Shirley" The smaller brunette whispered before leaning down and kissing the latina gently. They both moaned at the contact of their lips.
'Oh God what Am I doing?' Santana thought as she deepened the kiss and flip them upside down. Their kiss was desperate and bitter, bitter because both knew they would rather be kissing someone else. Someone they were undeserving of. They pulled away for much needed air and Shirley stared at Santana with wide eyes. Shut the voice in head up, Santana stripped off her top and started quickly removing her pants, forgetting that the other girl might not be aware of her "condition". Shirley looked at all this with mixed feelings. She knew Santana was not thinking clearly and probably acting out of desperation, but Shirley wasn't feeling any better. She slowly started to remove her clothes and soon found Santana helping her in the process. Santana's mouth crashed roughly against hers as they moved to the center of the mattress. There was no tenderness in their actions, they just wanted to forget. Santana kissed her hungrily and pulled roughly at her lower so much that Shirley yelped. She felt something brush repeatedly against her stomach and was about to question the latina when something penetrated her, effectively silencing her. Her eyes shot open as she looked at the hissing girl above her. She put her hand on Santana's chest in attempt to stop her.
"What the hell…? Do you always go around wearing a strap on" she hissed. Her voice seemed to snap Santana back in the moment because she was now worrying at her lower lip.
"Well, it's not a strap-on" The smaller girl furrowed her brows as she tried to guess what the hell was going on. She suddenly remembered some rumors back at school and it hit her.
"Oh…" She simply said. They stayed still like that for a few seconds until Santana started to thrust inside her rhythmically. Shirley spread her legs further apart, leaving more room for Santana and her movements. Santana groaned in frustration and picked up her pace a little bit. This didn't feel good. It wasn't right. She was growing more and more conscious of what she was doing despite the alcohol.
'Are you proud of yourself now?' The voice, she desperately tried to shut down, asked.
"No… Oh God no. What Am I doing?" She said out loud as she started to slow her movements until she ceased them. Her body trembled under the pressure of her sobs and she pulled out of Shirley. Shirley sat up quickly, concern displayed all over her faces.
"Santana, are you alright?" She asked the other girl who avoided looking at her.
"I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry. I'm a monster, you deserve so much better than this" Santana chocked as openly started to cry and let herself fall back in the other girl's embrace. Shirley understood it wasn't about her. She started comforting the crying girl.
"Shhh, It's okay. I'm here… It's okay" She whispered, rocking Santana back and forth until the latina quietly sobbed and finally drifted to sleep. It wasn't long before a tired Shirley followed her, both dreaming of better days.
Shirley breathed heavily, her eyes closed, as she ended recounting the story to a silent Brittany. She feared the blonde's reaction. All this information was definitely hard to process and accept. She counted to three before opening her eyes and risking a glance toward Brittany.
Brittany sat in her chair in complete shock. She was having a hard understanding what she had just heard. Was that possible? Was she dreaming? Had she dreamed those past months? Was Santana going through this misery for nothing but a lie? Why? Why?
"Brittany… Say something, please" Shirley whispered. Brittany continued staring at the girl in front of her. She didn't know someone can go through so many emotions in such a short span of time.
"So you never slept with Santana?" Shirley shook her head no. She kind of omitted the part where Santana was inside her. Her story was a little altered but what was a little lie compared to the mess she had created? Brittany didn't need to know that and Santana didn't deserve this.
"So, why does Santana think she got you pregnant?" Brittany asked still stunned by the situation.
"She probably doesn't remember much of that. Plus I told her so and we woke up in the same bed half clothed." Brittany got up from her chair, holding herself for some sortof comfort. They stayed silent for another minute before Brittany's voice rose, quiet and in a whisper
"Why did you do that to her? To us?"
Shirley hung her head as a fresh wave of tears formed in her eyes
"I wasn't thinking right. I was alone and scared at the thought of this baby. My parents, even though they didn't say anything, were disappointed. I could feel it whenever they were looking at me. Coach threw me out the team as soon as she found out… I needed comfort and Santana was the only one, I could think of in all this. Maybe I was also jealous of how she was with you?" She sighed. Brittany listened silently to the other girl pouring her heart out.
"Are you ever going to forgive me Brittany?" She sobbed her head still low. Seconds later, she felt a reassuring hand on her shoulder. When she looked up, her eyes met Brittany who was smiling sadly but warmly at her. The blonde nodded before adding:
"Good luck Shirley!"
Santana sighed heavily. That was all she could do now, mop around at home disinterested in everything. Her mom was happy she was spending more time at home.
'If only she knew' Santana thought. She tried calling Brittany many times but could bring herself to follow through. She wasn't sure she could handle just being Brittany's friend. The blonde meant so much more for her. She couldn't take a step back from what they had even if she fucked it all up. She also wanted to call Shirley but for some reason, the girl had been ignoring her phone calls this week. Santana didn't want to be shut out of the kid's life. This was probably her only chance to have one, of course she was going to hold on that one.
She heard the noise of a car parking and guessed it was her dad coming home.
'So early though?' She threw herself onto her bed and slowly left her hand drift south. She cupped herself and closed her eyes. Another problem these past two weeks was the fact that she was reacting less and less… She was starting to worry about it…
"Mijà! Come down" Her mother's voice called her from ground floor
"I'm not hungry mom" Santana shouted back.
"Come down NOW! Brittany is here" Santana quickly sat up with big eyes!
'Brittany? What was she doing here?'
Before she could process anything, she felt a knock on her bedroom door and someone opening the door. Brittany shyly stood in the doorway as Santana stood up and walked over her.
"Brittany is everything okay?" She asked worried. The blonde looked curiously shy and Santana wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing.
"Please Britt, talk to me" Santana pleaded as she cupped the other girl's cheek. Santana stood in complete shock, as the taller girl leant forward and attacked her lips with her own. It took time, but Santana finally slowly closed her eyes and held the girl in her arms as she parted her lips. The kiss was hungry and telling of how much they missed each other. Santana was the first one to pull away while Brittany kept kissing her neck.
"Britt…" Santana whimpered as she tried to free herself from her grip. Brittany finally looked up at her with the biggest smile that has graced her lips since their break up.
Santana frowned at her and asked
"What is going on? Why…"
"I love you Santana… I love you so much, baby or not. I love you that's all I know" Brittany blurted as she engulfed Santana in another hug. Santana held her tightly, vainly fighting the ears forming in her eyes.
"Let's sit down. I will explain everything" Brittany whispered in Santana's hair.
Brittany told Santana everything that happened during her meeting with Shirley. The story of that night, their emotions, who was the real "baby day", Shirley's guiltiness. When she was done she smiled at her friend as Santana just stood there dumbfounded. Was this really over? Was all this just a bad dream?
"Santana, I love you so much. What Shirley said made me realize how lucky we are to have each other. I should have never broken up with you. I love you more than anything, more than you could even imagine. I can't picture my future without you Santana. I don't care if you can't give me babies. I just want you. If we really want a family, there are other ways."
Brittany took her bag and pulled out all the printed documents she found on the internet. Santana looked at them and started to cry silently. Brittany, the girl who was so easily confuse, spent her time looking for those things just to make her happy. She didn't deserve that girl.
"We can always try those ways. Please Santana, I just want to be with you. Never ever think again, that you don't deserve me Santana. I'm yours Santana. I don't want to be in someone else's heart. I want a spot in your heart, only yours. Please, say you want me" Brittany sobbed while pleading the other girl.
Santana chuckled in between her tears and threw herself in Brittany's arms.
"I love you Brittany… I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you" she chanted to her now girlfriend. Both girls stayed in the embrace, whispering and kissing each other.
They didn't sleep that night. Sleep could wait, even the world could wait. Time could wait. Nothing mattered anymore. They were Brittany and Santana again and their love would shine brighter than the sun.
A/N: How cheesy was the end, ugh :). Hope you liked the update guys, let me know what you think. Next chapter, less talking more action ;) Right back at the smut! I also need a beta and a few suggestions on how you would like the smut in next chapters (yeah I like writing smut even though I suck at it XD). I also need a beta for both my stories and my future stories (I have tons of ideas but so little time…). So if any of you are interested... Take care people :)