Naturalist: I Loved You, Goodbye
When Grimmjow wakes the next morning, he's alone and Ichigo's things are gone. Naturally, the teal haired male panics. He hurries out of the tree house and rushes through the trees in search of the smaller male, stopping so abruptly he almost trips over his own feet when he spots orange locks. With a sigh of relief mixed with frustration, he jogs over to the orangette heading for the exit.
"Ichi, what the hell," he snaps. "I almost had a heart attack, why didn't you wake me?"
"… I don't need help carrying my stuff, Grimmjow," he murmurs. "I can make it to the village on my own."
"You're still pissed? Come on, what do I have to do to make you stop bitching?"
Ichigo throws a nasty glare his way, the panther god immediately shrinking away at the fire in those orbs. As hesitant as he may be in the face of his lover's wrath, he's just not hesitant enough to take the warning in stride.
"Just talk to me."
"I did, but you weren't hearing me," Ichigo growls. "I'm taking these paintings and photos to the village, developing the pictures, and meeting Byakuya…"
"How long will you be?" Grimmjow asks curiously. "Are you coming back to visit?"
"… Grimmjow, did you not hear me last night?" the orangette sighs in exasperation. "I told you, I'm not coming back until you come apologize."
"But you'll own this land, won't you? Won't you build a house or something? You can live in the tree house and…"
"Grimmjow. Listen very carefully," Ichigo states calmly and firmly. "I love you. Are you still listening to me, or has your brain conveniently stopped working?"
"I'm still listening," he growls out.
"Good. Keep up with me, because I'm not done yet," the orangette says slowly. "You are far too controlling for me, so I'm giving you time to think. Keep listening, there's more. When you can apologize to me for being a possessive asshole bent on controlling every aspect of my life, come find me in the village. I'm not done yet, don't say anything. I'm only going to stay in the village for three days if I can't get Byakuya to meet me there for the paintings, so think quickly. If I'm not there when and if you decide to compromise… I'll probably be far away from here."
"And if I choose to bend to your stupid tantrum? If you're not there, how the hell am I supposed to find you?" Grimmjow growls out.
"… You're a great hunter, aren't you? An all powerful god? I'm sure you'll think of something," Ichigo mutters. "Goodbye, Grimmjow… hopefully, that's not forever."
Grimmjow is startled by this, his heart skipping every other beat as realization dawns on him… Ichigo really isn't coming back. As the orangette starts to move toward the edge of the trees, the panther god has a hold of his upper arm.
"Ichi… You're not serious, are you?" he asks quietly. "I mean… You're coming back… right?"
"What difference does it make? You don't want me here anyway."
"Ichigo, I love you," the teal haired male pleads. "Just because I don't want you here permanently doesn't mean I don't want you here at all! If you go out there, you'll die!"
"If I stay here I'll die, or did you forget that?" the artist scoffs. "Make up your mind, idiot! Do you want me die out there away from you, or here beside you?"
"Ichi…"
"Think about it, Grimm," the smaller male whispers. "I don't want to feel like a possession when I'm with you… I want to be equals."
"I'm a feline, that doesn't happen. I'm the alpha, you're my bitch. That's how it works."
"You're also human," Ichigo frowns. "At least… I thought you were. The Grimmjow I fell in love with was, or were you just pretending? Just like you pretended to love me?"
"I wasn't pretending to love you, Ichigo!" Grimmjow snarls. "I do love you! I would do anything for you!"
"… Then come get me," Ichigo says softly. "Step out of your comfort zone and apologize to me… I think I deserve that much after what you've put me through."
"I've been protecting you!"
"Yeah… so you could kill me yourself," Ichigo spits. "You should've just let the wild dog kill me, or even the fucking alligator. Anything would've been better than dying at the… paws… of the man I love!"
"You're impossible!" Grimmjow hisses. "You'll be back, Ichigo! You can't live without me!"
"… Watch me," the orangette snaps back. "I've been doing pretty damn good so far, and I'm stubborn enough to hold on till the very end! The moment I stop breathing and my heart stops beating… that's the moment I'll regret not coming back! Until then, the ball's in your court."
With that, the smaller male turns away before he cries and hurries off past the tree line. Grimmjow tries to catch him once more, but stops just at the edge and pulls back quickly. Ichigo turns to set a teary eyed gaze upon him, disappointment and sorrow in those amber pools that have already started showing signs of a depression that could be fatal. The orangette slowly turns away from his lover, hefting the bags higher onto his slim shoulders and walking toward the jeep that hurries toward him.
"Hey, Ichi!" Renji calls. "Why do you look so… devastated?"
"Can we just leave, Ren?" Ichigo murmurs quietly, almost too quietly for Grimmjow to hear. "I… I really just want to go."
Grimmjow watches, torn between staying in his well known kingdom and chasing after the orangette he's come to know as his. Renji helps Ichigo set his things in the back of his jeep, opening the door for the weary male he's picking up before heading for the driver's side. Ichigo's amber eyes linger on the shadowed figure of his panther god, but he says nothing as the jeep pulls away and heads to the village. The last thing they hear is a frustrated snarl from a panther, Grimmjow changing forms to hurry back to his temple.
Ichigo is quiet the whole ride back to the village, forcing away any tears that may fall in hopes Renji doesn't notice he's heartbroken. His redheaded friend, however, has known him for a very long time. The tattooed male sighs heavily, parking outside the inn he's been staying at before turning to face his brother.
"Ichigo, I know something happened," Renji murmurs. "And I know you don't want to talk about it, but… I'm like your brother man, we've always had each other. Don't shut me out when you've got to see me blubber like a little girl so many times, that's not fair."
The last part is meant to be a joke and Ichigo knows that, cracking a small smile before relenting. He doesn't care if he'll sound like a complete mental case, he has to tell Renji everything… well… almost everything. If his redheaded friend learned he was a total chick about sex with the hunky panther god, he'd never live it down. So, once they're sitting safely within the privacy of their room, Ichigo breaks down sobbing and tells Renji everything… even the stuff he didn't want to.
"… Okay… first off, I will tease you about some of that later," Renji points out. "Secondly, Ichi are you seriously telling me one hundred percent of the truth, or did your brain have a psycotic episode or complete meltdown?"
"I'm tell you the truth, damn it!" he cries. "I knew you wouldn't believe me."
"I believe you, Ichi," Renji assures. "I just want to make certain I can adequately lie for you should it get out. A lot of people think you work too hard, Berry, that maybe it's hurting your mental health living out there with the wild animals like you so frequently do."
"I thought he loved me."
"I said the same thing about Byakuya when he wouldn't compromise with me," the redhead nods in a soothing tone. "Sometimes they need to feel your absence to realize their mistake."
"He's a god, Ren! He can have anyone he wants… I'm just…"
"You're just the most beautiful person in the world," Renji scoffs. "Ichigo, you're a rare find, even for a god. You're breathtaking on the outside and on the inside. If this guy can't see that, he's a loser and he doesn't deserve you."
"… If I stay away from him too long… I'll literally die."
"That's a tad melodramatic… even for you."
"No, Renji, I'm serious," Ichigo whispers. "Yorouchi, the goddess that chooses those made for certain gods upon birth… the one who marked me for Pantera… she said I'll go into a really bad depression that will eventually kill me if he's not around me."
"So go back."
"No! He's an asshole and I don't want to be controlled like a good little bitch!" Ichigo snaps petulantly. "He can apologize first!"
"Ichigo, you're life is in danger," Renji growls. "Don't let your fucking pride play you like this!"
"This isn't about being seme or not, Renji!" Ichigo shouts. "He… he wants me to stay with him, but he doesn't want me to stay. He says he loves me, but he refuses to be with me. He wants me to visit, but he'll be damned if I become his mate! I can't take this anymore!"
"What's his issue?"
"I don't know. He shouldn't have one, it's my choice," the orangette pouts. "I love him, Ren. But it's not fair that he wants me to give up everything and stay with him. It isn't fair he thinks he can make all my decisions for me. I've never been like that, you know me… I won't start with him. He already has me completely submitting to him in bed, I'll be damned if I melt for him out of it."
"But, Berry… You could die."
"Do you know what happened before you picked me up?" Ichigo frowns with steely orbs. "He told me I would go back to him eventually because I can't live without him, but it was all arrogance and smugness. I told him I would regret not coming back only when my last breath passes and my heart stops beating. When I walked away, he followed… but he stopped at the edge of the trees. He didn't even attempt to come after me, Ren. He didn't find me good enough to leave his jungle for… why the hell should I find him good enough to go back."
"Because you do."
"I won't do it. I won't give in. I hurt, yeah, I'll give you that. But… I'll hurt even more if I have to live the way he wants me to. God or not, he won't control me."
Renji says nothing more, as he knows his younger friend well. Ichigo has always been headstrong and independent, something no one has ever been able to take away from him. If he says he wants an apology, nothing in any world has a force great enough to budge him. With a sigh, he decides to just watch his best friend closely and attempt to delay any effects this depression may hold. If he's lucky, he'll be able to convince him to at least stay here where this… Pantera, guy… is close.
"Let's develop these pictures and see how awesome they are," he smirks teasingly.
"Okay, that sounds good," the orangette smiles. "Then we can go downstairs and eat, I'm starving."
"Didn't you eat breakfast?"
"No, I tried to skip out while Grimm… I mean… Pantera was sleeping. He's a lot more attuned to me than I thought, because I was only gone a few minutes before he was on my heels."
"You were going to call him something else," the redhead points out.
"… When I first met him, he gave me his human name," Ichigo blushes. "I learned in that old book, that he was once a human. His parents were killed the day he was born and the panthers took him in as their cub, but another human tried to steal away the panther's land so they could build a temple over their den. Grimmjow fought for them, tried to save their home… and was killed. Yorouchi, the cat goddess, turned him into a god for his deeds… the panther god, Pantera. She ordered the human to build the temple to honor Pantera, but his human name was pretty much lost after that."
"Damn… what a story. Can you imagine shit like that happening nowadays? I mean…"
"Ren… I was marked the day I was born to become the mate of a panther god," Ichigo says flatly. "I've been sleeping around with said panther god unknowingly, met Yorouchi… who likes to pop up out of nowhere completely naked just to freak me out… and found out if she intervenes while we're… uh… together… I could possibly be stuck as a panther for the rest of eternity. I'm pretty sure that classifies as 'shit like that happening nowadays'."
"… Yeah… you know what I meant," the other blushes.
Deep within the jungle, Grimmjow paces the temple as a feline. The other panthers are keeping clear of the infuriated god, Chess having been missing since he arrived. The alpha female told him she was keeping the jaguar cub in the den with the panther cubs, that he had attempted to run off after Ichigo a few times and was scolded.
*Daddy? When's mommy coming home? * the jaguar wonders as he scampers over.
*… He's not. *
*… Why? Did you kill him? You killed mommy! I knew I should've gone, too! *
*I didn't kill him, * Grimmjow snarls to quiet the cub. *He's mad at me and said he won't come back till I go apologize to him. *
*So go. *
*It's not that easy! I've never had to apologize for anything in my life! * he hisses. *I don't even know what the hell he's so pissed about! If I go and apologize, he'll want to know what I'm apologizing for. If I tell him I don't know, he'll get angry. If I guess and I'm wrong, he'll get angrier! *
"You really are an idiot, Grimmy," Yorouchi sighs.
The two felines look over to Grimmjow's statue, where the goddess has seated herself on the pedestal again. Her golden eyes are exasperated and glittering with amusement, her cheek resting upon a fist as that elbow sits on a knee. Grimmjow morphs back into his human form, always liking to be on even footing with the mischievous female.
"I knew you'd find a way to screw this up," she smirks. "You always do."
"You shouldn't have marked him."
"I'm doing you a favor, cub, I suggest you thank me."
"Ruining my life is a favor?"
Yorouchi's eyes grow a tad colder at the insolent remark, Grimmjow immediately looking down and muttering an apology. He can get away with a lot of things with Yorouchi, as he's her favorite cub, but she doesn't take well to being accused of ruining the life she gave him. In all truth, he knows she's not doing anything of the sort… that he's the one messing things up… but it's always easier to blame someone else.
"Why don't' you just go apologize."
"For what? I didn't do anything wrong."
"Submissive partners aren't all the same, Grimmy," she sighs. "There are a wide array of personalities and preferences. You've always had the ones that enjoy being controlled and pushed into complete submission, but Ichigo isn't like that."
"… What did I do wrong," he mutters.
"You're trying to control him. What have you learned about Ichigo during his time with you? Anything at all? Were you even bothering to pay attention to him?"
"Of course I was!" the panther god snaps. "I learned… I learned that he's beautiful, that he's kind, he appreciates nature unlike any human I've ever known, his eyes are a strange shade of amber that almost looks gold in the right light, he's headstrong, he gets this cute little scowl on his face when he's concentrating or when he's upset, when he's really pissed off his eyes look like they contain fire. I learned he's a very talented artist, he gets a soft faraway look when he's thinking about his work, that's easy to make blush, that he doesn't like people very much. He's good with animals, he actually has a sense of decency when pertaining to temples and sacred land, and… and that he loves me."
"So, you did learn something," she smirks proudly. "Now, what do you remember about your other partners? What about Lyre?"
"… They were just to pass the time," the teal haired man huffs. "And Lyre… she was… she was beautiful, and kind, and not very smart, and…"
"What color were her eyes?"
"… I don't remember."
"Did she want kids?"
"… I… don't recall talking about it."
"Did she compare to Ichigo?"
"Not a chance," Grimmjow smirks. "No one can compare to Ichigo. He's perfect."
"So why push him away."
"He doesn't belong here!"
Yorouchi grumbles beneath her breath, shaking her head as she tries to control her temper. Her little cub has never been the easiest to work with, she knows that, but Ichigo is made for him and there will be no other. Grimmjow has to deal with this quickly, pride be damned.
"He won't bend to you, Grimmy," she states almost scolding. "You may be the alpha male, but Ichigo is more human than that and with humans, it's usually the female in charge. What he wants, he'll get. You have to understand this. You have to compromise."
"He'll be back, the mark will eventually force him my way."
"No it won't," Yorouchi smirks. "This is the part where you can be angry with me, Grimmy, because… I intervened last night. The change is complete… Ichigo can go wherever he wants for as long as he wants now. He won't die without you, so you better get your head on straight lest he never see you again."
"He'll be back."
"If your roles were switched, would you come back?"
"Hell no, if I left it was with good reason."
"He's just as stubborn as you, Grimmy. He thinks his reason is just as good and he won't give in. I designed him to be this way, so I know. It's time my precious little cub grew up a bit."
He tries to answer her, but her body is already vanishing. With a huff, he turns quickly to see Chess cowering near the entrance to the room. His tail is wrapped tightly over his hunched figure, his eyes large and watery as his ears droop. For a cub, he's very smart and he's already realized his mommy is never coming back.
*Mommy abandoned me, * he cries.
"No, he didn't," Grimmjow tries to soothe. "He'll be back… he's just… punishing daddy right now."
*What did I do wrong? Why is mommy punishing me, too? *
"He doesn't mean to, Chess," the other sighs as he lifts the cub up. "He just thought it would be better for you to stay here where your friends are. He's not allowed to have a jaguar cub with him outside the jungle, the humans would've taken you away from him. Do you understand?"
*… You'll go get mommy, right? *
"I'm sure I will eventually," Grimmjow sighs. "It's just… I didn't do anything wrong, I shouldn't have to apologize. I'm sure he'll see he's being completely unreasonable and come back on his own."
*Really? *
"Sure. It might take a while though, he's really stubborn."
The village is all atwitter with the news of a lost heritage finally rediscovered, Ichigo being the main topic on everyone's lips at his ability to reach the temple of Pantera. As everyone talks around him, the orangette just stares out into nothing. His heart hurts, like it's been ripped from his chest and stomped on repeatedly before thrown away. He misses Grimmjow, misses cuddling with him at night and kissing him in the morning, but the other has yet to come get him. It's been three days already, Byakuya having been held up by a meeting with the archeologists and unable to meet the younger male. Ichigo is leaving and Grimmjow's only appearance was in his thoughts.
"You ready, Ichi?" the tattooed redhead wonders.
"… He's not here," Ichigo murmurs dejectedly.
"You can always come back, you know," Renji offers. "I mean… the land will be yours after this."
"… Let's just go, Ren. If he's not coming, I don't want to waste my time coming back," he sighs. "It'll just hurt more and I still have work to do elsewhere."
"Did you figure out your next muse?"
"Yeah, I'm going to China," Ichigo states wistfully. "I've been thinking about painting the giant panda there. Something not too dangerous, but not too tame."
"A far cry from a legendary white panther."
"Exactly."
Yorouchi watches from the crowd as Ichigo boards the small private jet with his best friend, his eyes lingering in the direction of Grimmjow's forest. She frowns deeply, sighing through her nose as the door closes and the jet takes off. Before anyone can register who she is, the exotic looking female vanishes.
Ichigo is sleeping when his phone goes off and startles him awake, the orangette picking it up and noting it's an unknown caller. With a shrug, he turns the thing off and lays back to return to his nap. Renji is reading a magazine next to him, glancing at the phone curiously before it starts going off again.
"Dude… didn't you turn that off?" he wonders.
"… Yeah, I did."
"What the hell?"
"… Should I answer it?" Ichigo questions in a whisper, as though the one calling can hear him.
"It could be… important?"
"Important enough to place a call to a shut off phone?" the orangette murmurs with a raised brow. "I guess. But… isn't that normally like… ghost stuff?"
"Do you know any ghosts?"
"… Well… I know a couple gods, but I'm not about to answer if it's the male one."
"Maybe he went to the village but just missed you."
With an irritated sigh, Ichigo picks up the phone and answers the call. At first he's dreading the voice on the other end, Renji can see that much, but once there's no one speaking he has a quizzical look on his features. He hangs up, turning the phone on against just in case. It goes off a third time, the orangette answering the call.
"Hello?"
"Where do you think you're going?"
"… Yorouchi? How did you call me?"
"I'm an all powerful goddess, I can call anyone I want to," she waves off. "Now, where are you going?"
"I'm going to meet with Byakuya to sign the land over to me and drop off his photos and paintings… why? Wait… did Grimmjow tell you to call me? You tell him he missed his chance, I stayed the three days I told him I would and he never showed up!"
"He didn't ask me to call," she huffs. "I do what I want, he doesn't boss me around."
"Must be nice," Ichigo mutters bitterly.
"I'm the alpha between Grimmy and I," she explains. "You see, I'm his mother, so of course I'd be placed a bit higher than him. You, on the other hand, are his female…"
"I'll pretend you didn't say that," Ichigo says darkly. "But I won't do so a second time."
"Sorry, but that's what's going through his head. He's been a panther for so long, he's losing his human side. If it weren't for you, I'm afraid he would've been long gone by now."
"I don't care. Human, panther, completely god, whatever! If I'm not good enough for him to change his ways, I'm not wasting my time! There's plenty of men out there that could appreciate me better!"
"I'm sure there is, but they won't be him."
"… I'll manage," Ichigo says icily. "Sometimes, you just have to settle for second best."
"Ichigo, you shouldn't pull another into this mess," Yorouchi warns. "Grimmjow will literally kill them."
"He can't even drag his stupid ass out of the jungle three steps to get to me, what the hell makes you think he'll drag it half way around the world to kill someone?"
"If they touch what's his…"
"I'm not his, he's make that perfectly clear," Ichigo scoffs. "I was just a means to pass the time, just like all the others. I'm not good enough for him to keep, so he'd better not think killing a human that actually wants to love me is going to get him points! I gave him a chance, he didn't take it. I won't give another."
"You told him he just had to go apologize," Yorouchi says carefully. "You didn't give him a deadline, Ichigo. You can't go falling into the arms of the first man who smiles at you, that's not fair to Grimmjow."
"Please, don't talk to me about fair," Ichigo bites out. "Have you not been paying attention so far? And I didn't say I'd do that, but over time… there's a better chance of it. Someday, I might find someone that wants to love me… like he didn't. I shouldn't have to be miserable for the rest of my life just because he blew me off in favor of living with the animals."
"… Chess misses you, Ichigo," Yorouchi sighs. "Grimmjow's been trying, but he's having a lot of trouble. Please come back and see Chess."
"I want to, Yorouchi, but… I can't. I don't want to see Grimmjow, that's final. I won't return to that jungle until he apologizes!"
"At least tell me where you'll be, so I can make it easier for him."
"No. I made it easy for him, Yorouchi. I won't make it any easier," Ichigo frowns. "He's so powerful and godly, he'll find a way if I mean anything to him at all. I'm sorry, but… I'm done."
With that, he hangs up and tosses the phone away from him. Renji watches curiously, yet says nothing. He knows from Ichigo's story, that this Yorouchi woman is a goddess and is pretty much Grimmjow's mother. It's no surprise she'd try to help out, but he's rather stunned Ichigo would speak to a goddess like that. His own cell buzzes and he picks it up, opening it to see the new text message.
-Hey, you're Ichigo's pal, Renji, right? =)
-Uh… yeah? Who's this?
-Yorouchi, the cat goddess. ;3 I need a huge favor. What is Ichigo planning next?
-Well, we're meeting Byakuya in Karakura. After the land is put in Ichigo's name, he's planning on going to China to paint the giant pandas. That's all I can tell you for now.
-For now?
-I travel with Ichigo, help him with all his stuff and make sure he's not bothered when hiking. If you need help, I'm your man. =) I don't want Ichigo killing himself because of a stupid guy that doesn't know what he has.
-Thanks, Renji! =D You're a big help!
-NP
Ichigo looks over at his redheaded friend, curiosity in his amber orbs as the other puts his phone away with a smile. He sits up and looks at Renji, the other blushing considerably before looking away. A few more minutes and Renji is about to pass out from too much blood to the head.
"Who was that?" Ichigo asks.
"… Byakuya," Renji lies. "Wanted to know how long before we got there."
"He's texting you again?"
"Sort of."
"How do you sort of text?"
"It's always short and sweet and about work, but I'm really trying."
"… Can I see?"
Renji glances at his phone, noting all the messages from Yorouchi are gone, and hands it to Ichigo. The orangette screens the messages, his brother ecstatic that Byakuya seriously has started texting him again after Ichigo's call to him. He hates lying to Ichigo, but he knows the stubborn male will just push him further away if he finds out he's sharing information with Yorouchi.
"Wow… he's being an asshole."
"Yeah, well… it's a step in the right direction," the tattooed male mumbles.
"I'm sorry about how he's acting, Ren," Ichigo frowns. "There's really no reason for it. I mean, I know what you're going through… when your lover won't compromise… it really sucks. Hey! Do you think he would call the men in white if I told him what's going on with Grimmjow?"
"Definitely."
"… Yeah, you're probably right. But… I have to tell him."
"Keep it short and sweet and to the point," he offers. "That's what I do. All he needs to know is that you met someone, you fell in love, he broke your heart, and you're taking a time out."
"Good idea," Ichigo murmurs. "Hey, Ren?"
"Yeah, Berry?"
"… Do you think Grimmjow will ever come to get me?"
"How long are you willing to wait?"
"I… can't answer that question. I would wait forever for him, but you know me. I'm a social person and I can't live without physical contact. Since he made it perfectly clear we're not 'mates', I can't see a reason to stay out of someone's bed."
"… I can understand that. I've been sleeping around since Byakuya and I took a time out."
"Then it's okay?"
"You're not together, Ichigo, he can't tell you who you can and can't see."
Ichigo nods at that, smiling softly as he leans back to find his slumber once more. Worry was heavy on his mind, worry that what he was doing was wrong, but it's gone now. Obviously, if he has an ex he would never stay faithful to them for the rest of his life. They're through and they'll never be together again as far as he's concerned… but Grimmjow is a god and he was made to be his and his alone. Then again, they were never together and the teal haired god has no right to hold him back in life if he won't take him as his own. With a sigh, Ichigo finally falls into a rather deep sleep. Renji watches him, sighing in irritation at the thought of all this tearing down his best friend. They've been through so much together, so many bad relationships and horrid breakups… but Ichigo has never taken anything as badly as this. He reaches over to pats orange locks gently, listening to a strange animalistic purr as it rumbles within his brother's chest loudly. Just as he's about to shake the smaller male awake and question him, his cell phone buzzes quietly and he answers it.
"Hello?" he says quietly.
"… How is he?"
"Who the hell is this?"
"This is Pantera."