It's so glad to know that you all like this story, and I wanted to do shoutouts. Big Thank Yous to: EvilGeniusBookWorm13, I'm so happy you like the story. SexyKendall2011, yes, I have big plans for this one :). orcalover, what you said really touched me. I don't think I ever had some almost cry over any of my work so, THANK YOU GUYS!

Day 2

I know that I shouldn't be so selfish but I just can't help it. I know that I should be happy because Kendall's making a better life for them but something in my heart says something else. It screams for Kendall, everything that used to make me smile about him, is making me die inside. My world is crashing and burning, spiraling into a dark abyss; alone. I listened to the tape about 15 times before I cried again, and ended up sleeping it off. I'm scared to pick up the phone because I know that sometime, and eventually you'll call and I don't think I could handle that. Sometimes, I feel like there's a reason you left, besides that as if the reason was me. I know that you'd tell me it wasn't true but you don't get how I feel. Every time I think of you, I'd say, 'he's coming back' but and that's another thing. There's always a 'but' even though there shouldn't be. Kendall, why'd you go? I tried to be perfect and not fuck up and mess things up like I would normally do but you still left. Yesterday, I bit my lip and it felt good and it began to bleed but it wasn't a lot. I wore your shirt to bed, it still smells like you, you'd just never understand that. That's how I found this, I slept in your bed; I'm surprised that Carlos isn't barging in here telling me to get my pretty boy ass up. They've been helpful, we watched an old hockey game yesterday; funny thing is, it was one of your favorite games, and your team won 4-3. You loved that game, when we all watched it together you were getting pissed every time the other team scored. Your hair was disheveled, your green orbs stared a hole into the television. I miss those days, just watching you and you'd do everything but acknowledge me because you knew I was watching. I miss going to sleep with your arms around me, I miss staring into those perfect green eyes, debating whether you want to watch me sleep or not even though you were more tired. I miss 'accidently' walking in the bathroom while you were in the shower just because I thought my luck comb was in there. I miss you Kendall and I hope you come back soon, I'm not sure I can hold on so long.

J.D.

I closed the notebook and placed it under Kendall's notebook. I over the hours was getting accustomed to sleeping in his bed. I still had on his shirt, I want to cry because soon enough it'll smell like me and not Kendall. I stared at the picture on the nightstand, of me and him; right before the picture snapped he kissed my cheek. You know, Kendall could've got a scholarship for hockey? Back in Minnesota, he was the best and he could've got a full scholarship but he turned it down; because we wouldn't be there. I don't think there's anything that Kendall wouldn't do for us.

He's done so much, he's nearly done everything; he's the nice guy, he was always the nice guy. I remember before when he used to date girls, it'd piss me off so much when he'd fight with them and it leaves him angry. It'd piss me off because he doesn't deserve that, and she just can't see what a fucking treasure she has in front of her. Especially when they kissed, the girl always kissed like a fucking coyote and if Kendall wanted his face attacked he'd get Emerald to do it. I smiled, why had I forgotten? I had a dog, a Russell terrier in which Kendall got me for my birthday. Pour garder ma compagnie d'amoureux quand je ne peux pas, Company to keep my lover when I cannot. I only know that because he told me, and wrote it down and that's like the only thing I can really remember. There was a knock on the bedroom door, I sighed

"Come in" I mumbled, I heard the door squeak

"James" Her sweet motherly voice was like a song, a sad song "Are you okay sweetie?" I felt her small hand on my arm, I nodded without moving an inch.

"James" It sounded like a plead to me, I turned around and sat up to see Mama Knight with tears welled in her eyes "You don't have to hide from me" I tried to smile, but how could I when I was lost and broken? How could I when the reason I was happy is all the way in Paris.

"But" I searched her face for some type of denial, or anger I mean after all she's walked in on us quite a few I might add, and at times while Kendall was loudly stating obscenities "I can't" I answered. She grabbed me into a hug and at first I did nothing, but when it hit me that he's on a plane, almost about to land I wrapped my arms around her. I didn't want to cry, not in front of her but what choice do I have? Everything hit me like a ton of bricks, he's fucking gone. He's not coming back anytime soon, because he has to be Mr. Bigshot; and then I'm being selfish. It doesn't matter if he's happy or not he just wants a better life for them. And I start hating myself, for saying things like that about him; he's only doing what he has to do for his family and I say stupid shit like that. I cry harder because it's becoming pathetic for me, I'm just a pretty face and that's it and I cry because I fucking know it.

"Shhh, he's going to come back soon" She stroked my hair to try and calm me down and I settled. Usually no one can calm me down that fast, not even Logie, no one except for Kendall.

"Who do you think he got that from?" She asked me, I sniffled.

"He loves you James, more than you'll ever know. He's going to come back because he loves you" She said, I did a small nod "James Isaac Diamond" My eyes went to her green ones

"Now, you listen to me" More tears were brimming her eyes "You can't just sulk around, I know why he left even though I told him not to for those reasons. He's a teenager and he shouldn't have to worry about whether this bill or that bill is paid" Her tears started to gather and fall down her cheeks "or trying to get money to get his sister something she really wants, or spending all his money just to make sure that everything is settled" She had her fist balled up and closed her eyes. She sighed, and her breathing sped up.

"You haven't ate anything since he left. So, get your ass up and eat" She said things straight and to the point, like Kendall does. I nodded. I got up and walked to the bathroom, Kendall always showers when something is bugging him so maybe it'd work for me. I let the water steam up the bathroom, knowing it was hotter than I wanted it. I stripped and stepped in the tub. As soon as the water hit me I groaned, I stood still as my body grew accustomed of the water's temperature. I stood and let it turn my whole body pink before I started washing myself, and I couldn't help but think of Kendall and I felt guilty for it. I washed my hair, and laughed; I remember whenever I was sick I made Kendall promise to help wash my hair, of course he always did all he work even though I said I'd help. I finished and put on some fresh clothes of mines. I walked out, and sighed as Carlos tried not to look at me.

"Carlos, what's up?" I asked him, the little guy was so energetic and emotional even if we were the only ones that knew.

"I don't wanna look at you because then I'll be sad. I don't wanna be sadder" He said, I had to stop myself from frowning "I mean, it's not you, but I miss Kendall" Kendall was like the official/unofficial leader of the group.

"I know, me too" I told him, he calmed himself down as I sat next to him.

"Did you write in the notebook today?" He asked me

"Yeah, it was hard but I did" I told him, he nodded and smiled. I was proud of myself for sticking to that oath, it was like I was releasing some emotions through writing in there.

"Where's Logie?" I asked him, he pepped up fast at the mention of him

"He went to go get Emerald for you. He thought that he'd cheer you up" He said, and then Logan came in with a very hyper Emerald in his hands. He juggled to open the door and keep the bouncing puppy in his arms and tried to close it quickly as Emerald jumped out of his arms and ran to the bedroom. Instantly I felt my eyes stinging; he was looking for Kendall, he always did that.

"Emerald, come here" He looked over at the door and to me, and back and forth until he slowly walked over to me.

"Kendall's not here" I talked to him like he could understand me, and I knew that he couldn't. He started for the room again and I felt like if I let him go in there I'd be letting him down.

"Emerald, come" He ignored me and ran into the room. I shoved my face in my hands, I sobbed loudly into them as I heard his claws against the hardwood floor. He whined, God it was like nothing before, filled with so much sadness.

"I know, I know" I said and ran a hand through my hair, messing it up. I just sat there, and the more I did, the more I thought about Kendall. The way he tells me I'm perfect even when I fuck everything up, the way he caresses me, the way he says my name, which makes me want to have him then and there. The way he makes love to me, the way he moans my name, the face he makes as he releases. The way he holds me in the middle of the night, the way he kisses me even though we've only been apart for 5 hours. I felt Logan's hand rubbing circles on my back but it did nothing.

"God, I fucking miss him" I mumbled

"I know, we miss him too" Logan murmered, I sobbed, running my hands over my face. I was tired of crying, I didn't want to cry anymore. I never want to cry because when I do, I feel weak and I'm not supposed to. I laid sideways and curled up into a ball, somehow I'd get through this I'm not sure if it'd take me longer than I want but it's going to take some time.

"James, it's okay to cry" Carlos offered, he thought so. I never cried in front of them and tried so hard not to cry in front of Kendall but somehow he just makes it all come out and sometimes it pisses me off. When I closed my eyes, all I saw was pools of emerald staring back at me; I felt as though I was dying, if something was missing. A big part of me wasn't nowhere to be found, in another continent, Europe. Emerald climbed his way onto the couch and laid by my head, he missed him too; I loved that dog, because his eyes were green just like Kendall's. Kendall's eyes are hypnotic, loving, caring, sometimes very parental like. Maybe he'll come back sooner than I think.