Day 5

Right about now, I'm feeling nothing but anger and sadness. My vivid imagination runs the scene over and over of when Kendall comes home, if he does. Before I went to bed last night, I had lust running through my blood and wanted nothing more for Kendall to burst through the door and mount me. I guess I'm feeling more of sadness, with that bold strip of anger than anything. Logan taught me some new ways to try to avoid cutting, and that was rubbing my wrist kinda like an Indian Rug Burn with one hand and it only makes me want to do it more. Is it really sadistic that I like to watch the blood flow out of my arm, and the pain from the cool metal gliding across my skin sends me on a temporary high? It stings, but it's like the pain soothes my depressed mind and everything works out fine for me. I remember Kendall's attempt to hide everything in my house that could and most likely would be used as a cutting object. I miss Kendall's touch, how it could make me feel so many emotions in just one fucking touch. Like when he caresses my cheek, I lean into his touch; when he rubs soothing circles down my spine, I shiver with pleasure. I hate the fact that he can get that reaction out of me, and especially when I need it the most, when I want it the most; I can't have it.

J.D.

I sighed as I slapped the notebook on the floor. I held the thin blade between my fingers, God how I wanted Kendall's body right next to mines. I miss the way he held me, the way he touched me, the way he made me shiver and we haven't even started. I gripped the blade, and dragged it across my wrist; I gasp as the adrenaline hit me like bricks. I stopped, and gasped waiting for the little 'high' to go away before I slit my skin again, letting the adrenaline rush into me. I sighed, I quickly glided it across my wrist again, a little slower as the velvet liquid arose to surface; just as I was getting over the veins, a loud knock on the door made me jump and the razor went deeper than I wanted.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed as the blood began to leak from my arm. I grabbed the first thing in sight which was toilet paper and held it against my arm

"James, is everything okay in there?" Logan's voice came through the semi-thin door.

"Yeah, I'm okay" I told him, and he tried the door. I sat watching the knob jiggle. I opened the cabinet looking for some more gauze, the cut is deeper than I would've ever done. When I found the gauze pads, it didn't take me long to push them down and wrap them back up.

"James, open the door" Logan commanded and I tried to quickly wipe the drops of blood off the floor and quickly washed off the razor and put it back in my hiding place. I calmly put my sleeve back down and flushed away the bloody tissues.

"Yeah?" I asked, he looked around me, trying to find some type of sign of blood and found nothing. The 'Diamond' part of me was a good liar, knew when exactly to make up another lie to perfect the web of lies I've recently spun.

"Were you?" He asked, I shook my head no

"If you don't mind, I'd like to get something to eat" I walked past him and towards the kitchen as the phone rang. I sat down at the table, then got up to look in the fridge as Carlos answered the phone.

"Hello?" Usually the little Latino took a different approach to answering the phone, but I'm just glad he uses 'hello' now. I was looking into the fridge as Carlos let out a shriek.

"Kendall! We miss you too!" He said, when I heard his name I slammed the fridge closed. I was pissed at him, for leaving, and making me feel this way, making me feel like his little submissive bitch. I leaned on the counter, trying to calm myself down; finding myself getting more and more angry. I threw my hands across the counter, sending everything crashing to its demise on the floor. Carlos looked at me worried as he lowered the phone and I could hear Kendall shouting.

"He wants to talk to you" The way he said it, was like he was afraid, of me or something I might do. He held the phone out to me, and I snatched it from him

"What?" I answered bitterly into the phone, my heart felt as cold as I sounded.

"James? What's wrong? I've missed you" I held my breath as he spoke, his voice made me shiver and that only reminded me more of where he is at this moment.

"Fuck you" I shouted and threw the phone down onto the floor. Grabbing my jacket and storming out of the hotel room, I needed a getaway, somewhere where I felt safe and it's just me. I just started walking, I wasn't sure where, until I saw a car with the keys innocently sitting in the lock. I dashed for it, started the car and began driving, somewhere; anywhere. Then it hit me, and I knew exactly where to go. I just began driving, letting the wind whip around my face as I realized something; I've never been angrier at Kendall in my whole life. As I approached the deserted beach, I realized it was almost sunset. I exited the car and walked on the beach, feeling the warm rays hitting my face, I plopped down on the sand, letting the warm tiny grains slip through my fingers. I almost jumped when I heard panting and someone drop down not that far from me. He sounded like he's been running and he plopped down, trying to catch his breath.

"Sorry" He gaped out, I nodded

"Yeah, I guess it's fine" I said. I watched as the sky became an easel for the clouds, beautiful shades of pink and orange and a hint of purple

"I'm Harrison" He said, and reached out to shake my hand

"James" I shook it, just as a friendly gesture. I turned my head as I watched the last of the sun's rays disappear and soaked in the moment of twilight. I lay back, not caring if the sand got in my hair or not. I sighed.

"Fuck my life" He mumbled, I let out a not-very-convinced laugh "What?" He took offense to that

"It just pisses me off that people run around, screaming FML and they don't know shit" I said to him

"Oh excuse me" He said sarcastically

"You're excused" I answered back

"Look you asshole, just because you think you got it worse than other people doesn't mean shit okay?" This was only adding more flames to the fire, I got up and stormed back to the car and drove to the nearest convenient store. I grabbed a box of razors and more gauze pads, seeing it seemed like someone was slowly taking them out of my bathroom. I think it's Logan, he'd slowly ease them away so I wouldn't have anything to put over the cuts; he seems most likely to make up a plan like that. I paid for them and went back to the car and drove home, I parked the car in the same spot where I found it and rolled up my sleeve. I unwrapped my arm and pulled off the gauze, slapping them on the ground as I pulled out a razor. As I held it in my hand, I've never been more sure of something in my life; I did it quick and hard across the bottom of my forearm. Again, and again and I started to feel less angry; starting not to give a fuck about Kendall. He could fuck all the French guys and girls he wanted as long as he never spoke to me again. My eyes began stinging as I clenched my fist, and a small pool of blood gushed out, I felt it get on my jeans and I closed my eyes and leaned my head back. This was more than enough for me to get over 'this moment', more than a normal 'temporary high', enough to keep me going a few more hours. I had to cover the whole side of my arm in the gauze pads and I began wrapping it tightly, it was more cuts than I had intended to do but it made me feel good, feel right, like I was finally doing something right. I grabbed the bag and double checked to make sure that every piece of evidence that wasn't there before, I started to feel the guilt of screaming at Carlos coming towards me. As I stood on the elevator, I knew that he felt bad too even without doing anything. I sighed, and turned the knob and opened the door seeing Logan and Mama Knight picking up remains of broken glass. Everybody turned to look at me, and I shifted uncomfortably under their gaze.

"I'm sorry" I mumbled and headed towards my room. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but it just felt so right for me. I stripped of the bloody jeans and climbed into my bed, which hasn't been touched in what? 5 days. I heard scratching at the door, and the door opened a little and Emerald jumped on my bed, and settled down by my feet. He didn't like it much and he climbed up and lied down against my side. He let out a little whine, and I pet his head.

"I know, I know" I mumbled, I felt exhausted. I spent a number of hours staring at the blank white pages, depicting on what I should write in it. I reached over and pulled out the tape recorder, and sat it on the bed next to my head. I reached over and pushed play.

"Hi amant. I thought that you would like to hear my voice when you go to sleep. James, Je t'aime et je suis tellement désolé. Je t'aime de tout mon coeur et ne jamais penser autrement. Maybe, soon enough you'll figure out what that means since you combed your hair in French class. And I got you that book because I really want you to write how you feel, everyday, each and everyday. Promise me that you will" The little pause to wait for me to promise him, and I remained quiet "Good night Angel" My heart stopped and tears just poured from my eyes as realization sit in. I yelled at Kendall today, I told him 'fuck you' and I've never said that to him before in that way. I shuffled out of bed, and cracked open my door to see Carlos, on the couch; Logan swung open their bedroom door and said something to Carlos, probably asking when he was coming to bed. Carlos just waved him off and Logan quietly slammed the door in frustration. I walked out and sat next to him, he just remained quiet.

"You acted like an asshole today" He mumbled, I fiddled with my fingers

"I know, I didn't mean too" I told him, and he chewed his bottom lip

"What the fuck James? I mean I know you're missing Kendall and all and before you open your mouth; no I don't know how it feels to have the person you love leave to go half way across the fucking world, but don't you give me that shit as an excuse" I sighed "We used to talk about everything Jamie, everything. And now, you stay in your room like, like, like, I just don't know" He sighed in frustration.

"Tomorrow, we're going to do something fun, just me and you like the old times" He said, I smiled, and nodded

"Just like the old times"