I've been working on this for a while now. I have to finish an incredible amount of work in less than a week, and it's busy. Thanks EvilGeniusBookWorm13 for showing me the confusing part!
Day 7
I'm a little apprehensive about Kendall calling today. He promised he call and promised I'd answer, but the anticipation is killing me. After Logan's incredibly frightening moment with Mama Knight, we all parted and went our ways and I listened to the tape recording Kendall made. I tried to figure out if anything sounded different; in the recording, he didn't sound as happy as he did on the phone. On the phone, his voice was filled with excitement, that tingly feeling you get when you realize you're in love. I sound like a teenage girl, gushing; at least my mood was a bit better. I haven't really cut, which is good sometimes it feels good not too and my scars are still healing. Kendall…he doesn't know that I cut since he's been gone and I hope to not tell him, and Logan or Carlos wouldn't. I'm kind of antsy for him to call, I'm looking forward to it; I miss Kendall. I wonder how big of a time difference it is over there? I should use one of those time converter things online. I wonder how Kendall's doing, with the song making over there. I'll ask later. So, I guess, so far so good.
J.D.
I put up the journal, and sat it on the table and I slipped into the freezer and got a bowl of ice cream. I haven't had ice cream in like forever. I smiled, Carlos would so tried to steal my ice cream; the guys have been so patient with me. The front door came open and I peeked over the counter, to see Logan and Carlos coming in. Carlos was still embarrassed about the 'incident' yesterday, it was hilarious.
"Whoa, look at you eating big boy foods" Logan said, I rolled my eyes
"Shut up" I smiled to him, as I sat down with my ice cream. I flipped through the channels until I found something remotely interesting. I smiled when I figured out what it was. Transformers, the first movie Kendall took me to; that's been my favorite movie ever since. I laughed as Logan plopped down next to me, and Carlos flipped over the couch and land a few inches from me.
"Oh, Transformers" Carlos bunched himself up, and we started watching the movie although we were like a quarter through it.
"I want a transforming car" I heard Carlos mumble, before slapping his helmet. I chuckled before settling back into the couch, eating the freezing cold ice cream. Even though I've seen that movie millions of times, I'd watch it even more because it reminds me of Kendall and Shia LeBeouf's hot but I wouldn't tell Kendall that. I laughed at my thoughts, and sat the ice cream bowl down on the table; Katie was taking Emerald to play in the park. As soon as the movie went off, we all decided to watch a horror movie, or more like two to one; Carlos favored a comedy, yeah right. Logan and I were debating on which movie, and that's when the phone started ringing, and Carlos got up to answer it.
"You always go for the slasher films, how bout Orphan. That's scary" He said, I scoffed
"The day that's scary is the day that I turn purple" I said, he laughed
"Carlos thought it was scary" He heard and a brilliant red flushed across his cheeks. He rolled his eyes and then resumed his phone conversation.
"Well, Mr. Know-it-all what do you suggest?" He asked
"Well, I'd say an oldie. Like…Carrie" I said, he rolled his eyes and gave me the uh-huh face
"That's more like a freak accident than a movie" I laughed, as Carlos rejoined the conversation
"Somebody kept their promise" He smiled at me as he handed me the phone. I couldn't help the blushful smile that found it's way onto my face. Logan gave me a thumbs up before he grabbed Carlos's hand who tried to protest to listen in on the conversation.
"Hi Kendall" I had to smile when I said his name, he laughed
"Bounjour mon amant" I smiled, I did always thought that he sounded incredibly sexy when he spoke French "I started a new song today" I smiled, his muse was back
"Really? How's it go?" I asked him, I heard a soft laugh
"I want to show you when I'm finished it" I smiled
"Okay, well did you start another?" I asked him, I could hear a pen writing smoothly on paper; he laughed
"Yeah, well almost. I mean if half a verse counts" He said, I smiled and bit into my lip
"Well, sing it!" I said to him, he sighed and as I waited for him to began, I heard his small 'hah!' which meant he figured out something "What'd you solve?" I asked him
"Well, now I don't have two songs I have one" It confused me a little "Which means, you have to wait till it's finished" I pouted, even though he couldn't see
"You're pouting! It'll be worth the wait, I promise; so what were you and the boys doing?" He asked
"Watching movies, and Transformer's came on, and Lolo scarred your Mom for life" I rambled, I never rambled, but only sometimes when I was around…Kendall
"Jeezus, what did he do?" I laughed, I don't think words could express that moment
"It's too funny for words" I told him "Remember how we got mad because Gustavo didn't give us a poster?" I asked, Kendall was the leader of the group; without the leader you're different. We'd been outraged we didn't get a poster like all the other band, when in fact we did it just never came to them
"Speaking of posters, I got mines" I smiled, I'm proud of Kendall. He's doing great, getting popular and would have to spend a lot of time over there, we all went through it; I'm just worrying when and if I'll see him again. I'm proud of him, I am, it's just you can't have your cake and eat it too.
"Really?" I asked him, those feelings of never being able to see Kendall, just always phone calls and texts seeped into my voice.
"I'm sorry" I hadn't realized how my voice came across, but from his tone I could tell that I sounded broken; that's the last thing I wanted.
"It's okay, you're talking to me now" I told him, I'd get over it, I'd wait, and I'd hopefully stop filling my head with so many lies
"James, I hate to ask you this over the phone but…have you, cut?" Fuck! If I just stay calm and answer a simple 'no' he'd believe me, and he wouldn't see my face so it'd work out.
"N-No" I sighed, I hated the after-confrontations. And it seems like all the feelings just come rushing back into me and that's the last thing I want. When he exhaled, quickly and deeply I broke; I made him cry "I'm sorry Kendall, I am!" I told him, I wanted to say I didn't mean it but I couldn't say that, because I needed it. To numb something, to numb my feelings, and it took the pain away even if it was for a while.
"No, James I'm sorry. I never thought about that part" He blames himself, he's thinking if he would've never done it, it would've never happened "But, I thought, thought I got rid of all the razors" He said, I felt so lowly
"I broke apart a shaving razor" I needed it! He doesn't understand how much pain it was at the time.
"I'm so" I could hear the shallow breaths, and quiet sobs as I tried not to let mines make anymore noise than already "sorry, I never meant it, for that" I forcibly wipe my cheeks, and looked at my arm. Even though I slept in a long sleeve shirt last night, Logan found out and there was no need to wear them, for now.
"I just, I just slipped up" I felt awful to lie, it wasn't a slip up; not even a little.
"James" I heard him sniffle, I smiled weakly "How many cuts did you make?" That made the smile quickly fade. I wasn't sure how many, as many as it took to take away the pain.
"I don't really know, enough to cover my forearm" I mumbled, I hated that Kendall could always pull the truth from me, no matter how hard I tried to keep it hidden
"Did, did you tell someone?" He asked, I laughed, but not for the reasons he thought
"Well, I told them at the hospital" Shit "And Logan found out about the rest, he's been checking while I slept" I rambled, trying to get the 'hospital part' out of his thought train
"James, why'd you go to the hospital?" He sounded broken, and defeated. Torn apart, kind of wrecked
"Exhaustion, but I'm eating right and sometimes sleeping right so I'm okay" I told him, I didn't want him disappointed in me, and as much as I wanted him to come back, it just couldn't be like this.
"Are you sure?" He asked,
"I'm positive. Do you really think Logan would let me watch television if I weren't eating?" I could hear his small chuckle, followed by another sniffle
"No, he's stricter than my mother sometimes" I laughed, sometimes Logan is stricter than Mama Knight.
"Yeah, and Carlos is still hyper" I commented, he mumbled a small 'yeah' and then came the awkward silence. This meant exactly what I thought, we ran out of things to talk about.
"Kendall?" I asked, I could hear him writing something down
"Yes James?" I could hear the thread of hope in his voice, that little thread that said he hoped for everything to be okay, and like old times.
"What does this mean about…us?" I asked him, I've been asking myself that for a while now and I've never got my answer, or any type of answer for that matter.
"I thought we were still together. Just because I'm not with you doesn't mean I'm not with you; Jamie, I love you" I smiled at his words
"I love you too" I…liked his words. Actually, I loved them; after he left I thought that everything was over and done with, I guess I was wrong "we're still together then" I smiled at his words, I could imagine his warm arms wrapping round me.
"We are" His reassuring words went straight to my heart. I wasn't sure on how long they'd last but I just knew that they were there. I'd have to go back to school sometime, even if I didn't want to I had too; stupid school.
"Have you been to school?" He asked
"No, but I'm going back soon" I told him, he laughed
"Well, pay attention in French class would ya?" I laughed, it wasn't my best class
"That stuff just doesn't sink into my brain like it did yours" I told him, he chuckled
"Well, I didn't comb my beautiful hair in French class" I laughed, it wasn't even that long of a 'comb break'.
"But I like not knowing what you say. It makes me wonder" I said, he laughed
"Je voudrais que vous sachiez français" Even though I didn't know what he was saying, it still made me smile like nothing else.
"Me too" I said, his beautiful laugh rang in my ears like bells. I loved to hear Kendall laugh, especially when it was just us; and he'd laugh.
"Je t'aime" I knew what that meant, he'd said it bunches of times before and before and I loved it.
"I love you too Kendall" I smiled, even though we're nine hours apart; I felt so close to him, like he was next to me and I could hear his heart beating in sync with mines. It sounds mushy gushy but I'm being truthfully honest.
"I'm gonna do it, okay?" I laughed "I'll learn French. And then you won't be the only sounding sexy speaking French" He chuckled, but just from that chuckle I could tell he wish that he was here too.
"Good Luck. Here's a tip for you, don't take you lucky comb to class" He laughed, and I rolled my eyes at him.
"You know you love my lucky comb" We shared a laugh, and I realized this was the first time since he's left that I felt, like this. Like old times.