Chapter Eight
At a quarter to five Jane decided to quit fighting sleep and go to work early. She showered and dressed and slipped out the door before her mother woke. She didn't want to talk to anyone right now, especially Angela.
Slipping into her office the precinct was mostly quiet. A few overnight beat cops were lined up at the coffee machine but the rest of the homicide staff hadn't made it in yet. She checked the call logs; no calls made last night so no one had a new case yet today. Jane picked up her pile of phone messages and made quick work of them. Most of the messages were leftovers from the previous case; since the case had been closed and reports sent to the district attorney's office this was mostly a clean up job.
One last message remained at the bottom of the pile. A small post-it note was attached to the top. Jane picked it up and read the post-it: "Anna, keep this from Jane. Joe."
What the hell, Joey? You had my secretary hold my messages? Jane was thunderstruck at the thought. Then she looked to see the identity of the caller: Maura. Jane felt such a rush of anger she couldn't hold it in. She turned and slammed her hand into the wall and cried out. Tears came quickly and harshly. Jane grabbed her hand and collapsed in her chair.
Maura checked the mirror before grabbing her bag and answering the door to Kelly. She still had some misgivings about crashing the wedding, as she referred to it, but Kelly had assured it her attendance would be welcome.
Kelly stood at the door, admiring Maura's teal dress and matching shoes. She grinned. "Hello, gorgeous," she said in her best Barbra Streisand voice. Maura smiled. "Ready?" Kelly asked and reached out for Maura's hand.
"Is that what you're wearing?" slipped out of Maura's mouth before she had a chance to filter her response.
"Sure is, babe. Anything wrong?"
Maura glanced at Kelly before replying. She not only didn't care for Kelly's manner of dress for the wedding, but Maura didn't care for Kelly calling her 'babe.'
"No, no you look nice," Maura retreated hastily. Kelly was dressed in a man's black suit and tie; Maura thought if Kelly wanted to wear a suit to a wedding she should probably wear a tux.
No, only Jane looks good in a tux, Maura thought, then cringed. Where did that come from?
Kelly saw Maura cringe and thought it was a reaction to her suit. "What, Maura? Not everyone wears the latest fashions like you."
"I know. I said that wrong. What I should have said was, how original."
Kelly just looked at Maura but didn't reply. She moved aside to allow Maura to exit the hotel in front of her and followed Maura to her car.
Maura knew she upset Kelly. Just like Jane used to say, I have no filter on my mouth. Whatever thought enters my head exits through my mouth, for good or bad. Anyway, Jane was the only one I knew who could look good in crappy clothes. Maura closed her eyes in frustration at that thought. Why is Jane Rizzoli in my head? She thought before turning her attention to Kelly. I have to make this work, Maura thought. Then she saw Kelly's suit again and cringed without realizing it. Kelly saw her response and turned her head away, her lips stretched in a thin line.
Jane didn't know what to do. She stood up, thinking of confronting Joey right now, then thought better of it. She wanted a plan of attack before saying anything. What else has Joey kept from me? She thought. Jane stood again and headed for the morgue. At this time of morning she knew it would be empty, especially since there weren't any calls last night.
As the elevator door opened Jane had a flashback to a happier time with Maura. She smiled at the memory. We'd worked together for a couple of months by then and were getting to be friends. Best friends, as Maura liked to say. All Jane knew was that she was starting to see how much she enjoyed being in Maura's company. I didn't know what my feelings were yet but I found out quickly: I opened the morgue doors to see Maura having an intimate conversation with one of the narcotics detectives. His head was so close to hers I thought at first they'd been kissing. I felt a stab of jealousy run through me so hard I thought I'd been electrocuted. Then I knew, I was in love with my best friend. Maura looked up at me just then and smiled the sweetest smile I've ever seen. She almost literally took my breath away.
My torment began at that moment. I was sure Maura was completely straight, had no other feelings for me than being friends. I tried to watch my reactions to her. I didn't want to scare Maura away. If being her best friend was all I could have I would learn to live with it. But deep down, I knew that if Maura ever married and had children it would cut me like a knife.
Jane twirled around on the stool, sitting by one of the autopsy tables. I did that to her, Jane realized. I told her I didn't love her anymore, married Joey and started a family. Jane beat her head on the autopsy table. So this is what Maura went through. Damn I am one grade A idiot. Most people don't get that kind of love and when I did I threw it away. This time there wasn't anything Jane could do to keep the tears at bay.
Maura followed Kelly into the pew they were sharing with other friends of the bride. When the wedding march started she stood with everyone, marveling at how beautiful the bride looked. Jane was gorgeous in her bridal gown, Maura thought, then sighed. Jane again. As the bride took her spot beside the groom Maura glanced around at the others attending the wedding.
She didn't know anyone but Kelly. Most of the men were dressed the same as Kelly, in a dark suit and tie. A couple of the other women brought their partners and were dressed similar to Kelly, but somehow the other women looked better in their suits than Kelly did in hers. Maura sighed quietly.
Can I make this work? Kelly isn't going to want to change for me. If she is my partner, or becomes my wife, can I love her enough to accept her as she is? She accepts me, hasn't tried to change me. Maura turned her attention to the wedding vows. A tear escaped as she understood she wanted to be a bride someday.
The vows were ending, the groom turned to lift Kim's veil. Maura saw herself in Kim's shoes, waiting for her wife to raise her veil. Maura gasped and held her hand to her face as she realized the face she envisioned lifting her veil: Jane. Maura choked back her tears.
"Kind of takes your breath away, doesn't it honey?" a voice at her elbow spoke. Maura glanced up. Kim's grandmother peered kindly in her face. "You okay, sweetie? I get teary at all the weddings I attend."
Maura breathed a sigh of relief. Kim's grandmother thought she was crying tears of joy for the new bride. "Yes, Kim is beautiful. As is the ceremony. It kind of took my breath away," Maura answered. She felt Kelly's hand take hers. Kelly leaned over and kissed Maura's forehead lightly.
"Maybe someday, honey," she whispered to Maura. Maura tried not to flinch. She knew she wasn't ever going to marry. Jane was taken and Maura wanted no one else.
After the newlyweds walked back down the aisle Kelly put her arm around Maura's waist and led her out of the church.
"Come on, you can meet some of my friends. We have a little time to wait before the reception starts."
Maura followed Kelly, not knowing what to do. She knew now she wasn't going to have feelings for Kelly, they hadn't developed by now and Maura knew they never would. But when to tell Kelly?
"Maura, this is Justin and Sarah, Adam and Isabelle, and Samantha and Laura," Kelly introduced her. "This is Dr. Maura Isles, everyone." Kelly sounded proud to be introducing her around.
"You're right, Kelly, she is beautiful," Samantha said and winked at Maura. "Look out Laura, I might just have to get to know Maura better." Kelly laughed and playfully punched Samantha.
"No, she's mine, I saw her first," Kelly boasted. "She's my girl."
The words hit Maura in the stomach. She flinched, badly, then tried to recover. Kelly caught her movement and paused. "Well, anyway, we're dating," Kelly amended. She fell silent.
The rest of the group told Maura it was nice meeting her and moved off. Kelly guided Maura to a set of chairs off to the side of the church. Maura sat.
"So, just like last time, this isn't going to work out, is it Maura?" Kelly asked.
"No, Kelly, I'm sorry. I wanted to develop feelings for you, but it just hasn't happened."
"We turn out to be better friends than lovers, I guess."
"Yes, apparently." Kelly hesitated.
"It isn't still Jane, is it?" she asked. Maura wanted to lie but knew she couldn't.
"Yes, it is. I think I'm resigned to the fact that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not destined to be anyone's bride."
"I'm sorry, Maura. I fell in love with you last time and hoped this was our chance."
"I know you did, Kelly. I'm sorry, too. I don't want you to think I led you on."
"I don't. You're honest with your feelings, Maura. I knew after our first night together you are still in love with Jane."
"You knew then?"
"Your heart wasn't in making love to me, Maura. There is a difference. That night, it was just sex to you. I ignored it, thinking your feelings toward me might change. But I noticed earlier today you felt the same."
"I don't know what to say, Kelly. You're a beautiful woman, anyone would be happy with you."
"Anyone but you, Maura." Maura fell silent. She was at a loss for words.
"Let's enjoy the rest of the day, Maura. I'll take you home later and say goodbye."
Maura felt bad for Kelly but felt like a large weight lifted off her shoulders.
Jane lifted her head when the elevator door opened. Hastily she stood up, wiped her face as best she could and headed back upstairs. Stopping by her office she grabbed her jacket. Speaking to no one she exited the building.
Jane walked into Joe's office and bypassed his secretary. "Mrs. Grant, he's on a conference call," the secretary called after her. Jane flung Joe's office door opened. He looked up, startled.
"Andy, let me call you back in a few minutes," Joey said into the speakerphone.
"Joe, we had a difficult time setting up this call," Andy answered back. Jane dropped into a visitor's chair in front of Joey's desk.
"Take your call, Joe. I'll wait," she said with a calm she didn't feel. Jane's emotions were in a whirlwind. She alternated between wanting to have everything out with him right now and just picking Joey up and throwing him against the wall.
Jane watched Joey as he spoke to his colleagues. After twenty minutes the call ended and Joey looked at his wife.
"What is it, Jane?" he asked.
"I want a divorce, Joe."
TBC. I'm hbCarolyn on twitter.