Chapter Eleven
Maura stared at Jane. Did she just tell me she loved me? Maura asked herself. Her heart leaped in her chest to think Jane did love her but it also fueled her anger.
"You love me, Jane?" Maura asked. A slow smile appeared on Jane's face. She took a step forward and started to open her arms to embrace Maura.
"Yes, Maur, I love you. I always have," she said. Maura took one step forward and slapped Jane.
"For the past eight years I've wondered what I did wrong to push you out of my life and into Joey Grant's arms. For eight years I've lived with the knowledge of being in love with a woman who wiped her feet on me, threw me away and ran into the arms of a man she told me she despised because he called her 'frog face' in school. And now you tell me you love me?" Jane stepped back. Maura saw the defeated look on her face.
"I guess I was thinking how much I wanted you in my arms, Maura."
"Jane, you broke my heart."
"I know," Jane said. To Maura's surprise Jane leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. "Can you forgive me, Maura? I never meant to hurt you but I know I did, in a very big, unforgivable way." The tears came then, Jane sobbing into her hands.
Maura reached out and folded Jane into her arms. Rubbing Jane's back in a soothing manner she waited for the sobs to subside.
"It's funny, Maura, you're usually being comforted by me," Jane finally managed to say.
"I ran out of tears a long time ago, Jane. I sobbed and cried so much I almost went into hysterics numerous times. All while you were planning your engagement and wedding to Joey I kept thinking you'd find your way back to me. I couldn't believe you were actually marrying Joey."
"I don't know what to say, Maura. I woke up from the coma and freaked out. I still don't understand why I did; when I was more coherent you were the first person I looked for every time I opened my eyes in the hospital. I watched every person that came in and out of my hospital room and was happy only when it was you."
"I know. Angela told me the only time you relaxed was when I came in. I didn't realize things had changed for you, Jane. Your face lit up like a Christmas tree whenever I walked in your room. Then one day, it didn't. You weren't happy to see me."
Jane watched her friend's face for a moment. At one point in time she knew exactly what Maura was thinking whenever she saw her face.
"When did you finally realize I wasn't coming back to you?" Jane asked.
Maura sighed. "I held out hope, Jane, until the morning you came down to the morgue to tell me you were pregnant."
"You knew I was pregnant when you saw me."
"You had that glow about you, Jane. I knew then I'd lost." Maura looked down at her hands and tried to take a deep breath.
"These years passed in a blur, Maur. I missed you more than you can know. When Angelo was born I remember holding him in my arms in the hospital room, waiting for you to show up. I didn't realize it was you I was watching for until Ma reminded me you were in California with what's his name."
"Michael."
"I think I knew then but Ma chalked it up to hormones. After a couple months I went back to work and life became a blur of working, taking care of the baby, and trying to love Joey."
"Caitlyn came along two years later," Maura said. "Jane, if you felt this way, why didn't you call me? I'd have been on the next plane to Boston. You and the kids could have moved in with me."
"I know. By then Ma was trying to get me to understand my life had changed, I had the kids, we were a good Catholic family. I couldn't get past the guilt."
"If you really loved me then Jane guilt wouldn't have mattered."
Jane stretched out on the sofa. A small smile played on her lips. "Joey and I had an argument about that time, I forget about what, but I was convinced I was leaving him. I packed all our bags and was ready to load them into the car."
"What stopped you?"
"I called you. Michael answered. I didn't leave a message, I just asked him to tell you I called to see how you were doing."
"I didn't get the message, Jane."
"It didn't matter, Maura, I unpacked our bags and made Joey his favorite dinner. I guess when Michael answered the phone I saw that as fate stepping in, telling me to leave you to your happiness."
"Michael left me not long after we moved to San Francisco, Jane. He told me I didn't love him, which was true."
"If you answered the phone that day-"
"That's pure speculation, Jane, you know I don't speculate on things that never happened."
Jane chuckled. "Pure Maura. You haven't changed, you know that?"
Maura ran her hand down Jane's arm and didn't answer for a moment. She met Jane's gaze then dropped it.
"Yes, Jane, I have changed. I've been broken, emotionally and somewhat physically. I don't trust as easily as I used to and I've learned to tell little half-truths without going vasovagel."
"Tell me, Maura, when you get back to Boston, is there any hope for us to try again?" Jane asked. Maura rose and walked over to the window she'd been staring through not too long ago.
"I'm not coming back to Boston, Jane. My secretary is looking into hotel apartments in New York City."
"That's okay, New York isn't far from Boston."
"You don't understand, Jane. I need a new start. I look for you on every street corner. Every time I see a woman with your hair color or build my pulse races until I can see if it's you or not. I can't live my life like this, Jane."
"I love you, Maura, that won't change-"
"It did before."
"No, it didn't, which is why I freaked out."
"What makes you think I can take that chance again, Jane? What if we become lovers again and something happens and you freak out, as you put it?"
"I'm careful at work, Maura, more so than before. I have children to think of. I don't take the reckless chances I used to."
"Good to know, Jane. What about me? Think of it this way: we're living together, I'm in a car accident en route to work and I'm hospitalized. I wake up and you're having a meltdown and leave me again."
"God, Maura, don't talk like that. I can't bear to think of you being hurt." Jane grabbed Maura's hand at the thought of Maura being injured in an accident.
"Yet you hurt me worst of anything I can imagine happening to me. Did you come to Australia to tell me you were divorcing Joey in the hope I would fall into your arms?"
Jane wanted to protest that it wasn't entirely true but then knew it was.
"I guess so. When I thought you married Kelly I became frantic. I wanted to find out the truth."
"What if you got here, found out we'd gotten married and left for our honeymoon? What would you have done then, Jane? Run back to Joey?"
Jane shook her head. "No. I would have wished you well, even if only in my thoughts, and made a new life for me and the kids. I always wanted your happiness, Maura."
"You were my happiness, Jane, until you took it away. I tried to make this work with Kelly this time. I wanted to be happy, too."
"What changed your mind? I'm sure Kelly was happy to have you."
"She was. The wedding, by the way, was for her friend Kim. Kelly came here on vacation for the wedding. She RSVP'ed for two without having a date lined up. We met on the plane, started dating again and she asked me to accompany her." Maura looked at Jane, amused. "Did you think I was going to fall into Kelly's arms and marry her before she could change her mind?"
"No, but I thought it was possible for you to fall in love with her, Maura. You liked her before."
"I liked Kelly as a friend, Jane. I was just trying to make you jealous before. I kept trying to get you to understand how I felt about you without losing your friendship. I wanted you in my life in any capacity, Jane. I saw Kelly as a means to an end, not as potential wife."
"You can have me in your life, Maura, as your girlfriend, partner, lover, maybe wife."
"No, Jane, I can't trust you."
"Is that for good? Or do I have a chance here, Maura?" Maura turned back to the window and thought for a moment. Her secretary poked her head in the office.
"Ms. Isles, you need to leave for the airport soon."
"I can take you, Maura." Jane stood.
"I have a car lined up, Jane. It's easier this way."
"So, to ask you again, Maura, do I have a chance to win you back?"
"I'm not an amusement park prize, Jane."
"I didn't say you were. I love you, Maura. If you give me this chance I'll spend everyday of the rest of my life showing you how much I love you."
Maura didn't know what to say. Her heart wanted her to run into Jane's arms and show her just how much she still loved her. Her lips wanted her to say 'I love you' to Jane but wouldn't. She stood rooted to the spot her eyes squeezed shut to prevent tears from falling in front of Jane.
"Is this goodbye for good, Maura?"
TBC