Guilty Little Pleasure

Genres: Angst/Romance/Drama/Hurt/Comfort

A/N: Hey there! Thanks to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter! It meant a lot to me. Hope you like this one, too! Btw, the rating may go up to M in future chapters, so be on the look out for that!

Carly's POV

Life didn't feel like it was worth living. I felt as if I had no life to live.

No friends. Nobody who cared. Nobody who knew my secret was there to support me.

I don't want a life like this. I missed the time I used to spend with Sam and Freddie, doing iCarly. I miss having them around in my apartment all day every day. The jokes, the laughter, the fun. I hated my miserable life now.

The feeling hurts. But I wasn't quite into the idea of killing myself. Not yet. After all, only Sam knew who I really was. I could make other friends, right? I was going to college soon. I hear college life is different than high school. Maybe people would be more accepting?

But thoughts of the future were painful. A Sam and Freddie-less future. Who cared about growing up and moving on? What was the point of living if you had nothing to live for?

Sam's been my best friend for more than half of my life. Now, because she found out I was a lesbian, none of what we went through together in the past mattered anymore. Like it never happened. Our friendship was most likely over. It's just so unfair!

It makes me sad and a little angry that Sam would throw all of that away just because of my sexual preference. Even if we became friends again, which is highly unlikely, I would never be able to tell her how I feel about her. She's already freaked by the fact that I like girls. She'll avoid me like the plague if she knew that I had feelings for her.

I thought these thoughts as I lay in bed, late Friday night. After a hard day at school with both Sam and Freddie pretending that I don't exist, the only person I had to talk to was Gibby. Gibby's a sweet guy, but it's not the same as having my best friends. Right after school I did some homework, ate dinner, and went straight to bed at eight o'clock. I have been laying wide awake since my head hit the pillow.

Nine o'clock, and I'm still not tired. Might as well do some more homework. I switch on the room light, and write half of my six page history paper on the Great Depression and how it affects America today.

Ten o'clock, I abandoned my work. My hand was starting to cramp up and my throat was getting dry. I got a glass of water and went back to bed. I still couldn't sleep. I started reading my book report book choice, ' The Story of My Life.' I dozed off after about twenty minutes.

Eleven o'clock and I jumped at the sound of my book hitting the floor. It must have fallen out of my hand as I slept, I realized. Now I wasn't the least bit tired. Trying to go back to sleep didn't appeal to me at all, so I got a blanket and went out to the couch in the living room, switching on some late night news, and flopped down comfortably against the cushions. Having the sound from the TV really helped get my mind off of any other thought in my head and I was once again well on my way to sleep.

A little after midnight, I work up shivering. Somehow in the night, my blanket had rolled off of me. I picked it up and wrapped myself in it, trying hard to get comfortable again. After ten minutes of trying to sleep again, my feet were still ice cold and my neck was starting to hurt. I gave up trying to sleep. It's no use. Everybody knows anyway that the best way to get to sleep was to try not to. I turned off the TV and headed back to my room. My bed was cold and it took me a minute or so to warm up. I stretched out comfortably, thinking of what I could do instead of sleep.

I turned over to my left side. The digital clock now read 2:09 a.m.

I groaned and turned over again. I wish I could go back to the days when I was never bored at night. Sam was almost always here on nights when I couldn't sleep and she would keep me company. It was always the sound of her voice that put me to bed. Whether she was telling me about her favorite new action movie, or talking aloud about ham in her sleep.

The thought of the best friend that I once had brought tears to my eyes. I cried myself into a slow, light sleep.

I dreamed of Sam and all of her glory. Who else's hair was as long, gold, and shiny? Like a fairytale princess. Who else could match her petite body shape and short stature? Her body so slender. Her legs long and creamy, her milky thighs. Her flat, tight stomach, and who could forget her perfect chest? The way it jutted out perfectly, flattering the rest of her. They were two flawless beauties. I loved Sam's hourglass figure. Her waist was so small and slim, but her hips would curve out gently.

I wanted Sam. Just to see her. I wish she never caught me with Kelsie. I wish she and I had stayed friends. I wish she was here and that I could convince her that I wasn't a lesbian. I was normal. I liked boys.

I needed her.

I awoke with a start.

What was that noise?

My room door was creaking open softly and I could see a shadow in the hallway light. No mistaking it. It was Sam's shadow.

I sat up slowly. "S-Sam?" I said, surprised at how weak my voice sounded.

She stepped into the room then, her dark figure casting a long shadow at the foot of my bed.

"Carly..." She was going to say more. But stopped. Her hair fell all over the place, I could see. I couldn't fully view her in the dark. I switched on my bed side lamp.

She uncertainly moved to my bedside.

My heart jumped when I saw that it was indeed Sam. She looked a little frightened as she came up to me.

I took in the sight of my breathtaking best friend. She wore what she typically would. Shorts, sneakers, about three different shirts, and a jacket. Even all of the clothes she wore could never hide her delicious figure. Her hair cascaded wildly down her back and her bangs were messy. She had a troubled look on her face.

We stared at each other for a good minute. Sam, clearly afraid, as I watched her with my lips slightly parted.

"Sam!" I said in a whisper."Y-You came back?"

"Yes." She said, her voice unsteady.

"Sam...why?" I got out of bed to stand directly in front of her. "After ignoring me and making my life hell, why do you care enough to apologize now?"

"I-I" She started.

"What?" I practically yelled.

"I felt guilty." She finished.

"Well you should." I said, wanting to be mad, but somehow, I really wasn't. Seeing her now made me love her even more after all of this time apart. What she did to me was unforgivable. But of course, good girl Carly Shay has to be...well, good. I felt sorry for Sam, standing here looking terrified, wanting my forgiveness.

"I got into an argument with my mom..." She began. "So, I was thinking it might be okay if I crash here?"

I looked at her in disbelief. "That's why you came to apologize to me? You have nowhere else to stay for the night?"

"That's not why." She said, insulted. "I was going to come and apologize anyway. If it weren't for getting into a fight with my mom, I actually would have come over sooner."

She ran her fingers through her hair nervously."I'm sorry for avoiding you." She continued breathlessly. "But, I was just..."

"Grossed out by me?" I interrupted. "Afraid that I'm some sort of sick weirdo? We're best friends! That's not going to change no matter what and you should know that!"

"I was going to say, just shocked."

"Just shocked, huh?" I said, folding my arms. "So shocked that you forgot that we were best friends? That shocked?"

"No..." She shifted from left to right. "I mean, I was sort of freaked-"

"Of course."

"Carls, let me finish. I just wasn't used to the idea of my best friend being a..." She paused.

"A what, Sam? Lesbian isn't a curse word. It's not something dirty. Why can't you just say it?"

"Lesbian." She said finally. "I just thought you were like most girls. Straight, I mean."

"Why would you assume that?" I said, annoyed.

"You know this isn't entirely my fault. You've made it seem like you were straight all along. Always going out with guys, never girls. Wouldn't you be surprised if you found out I was a lesbian?"

I blushed, ashamed by the fact that I would be quite overjoyed if I found out Sam was a lesbian.

"Well, even if I was surprised, I wouldn't ignore you that's for sure. Friendship comes with trust, Sam. Even if I knew you were a lesbian, I'd know you'd never...try anything."

She ran her hands over her face, issuing a load groan. "Okay, I admit it! I was a little bit grossed out and I didn't trust you. But I'm sorry! For everything! I shouldn't have ignored you, I shouldn't have made Freddie ignore you, I shouldn't have run away like that. I feel like a complete idiot and I wish I could make it so it all never happened! But there's no way to undo it, so all I can do now is apologize and hope to God that you'll find it in the goodness of your heart to forgive me!" She looked as if she would cry.

It was an honest apology. Why stay mad now?

I moved to hug her. She hugged me back tight, almost sobbing into my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Carly!" She said through her tears.

"Shhh... it's okay, Sam. I forgive you." I pulled back, tenderly wiping the tears off of her beautiful face with my thumb.

"You have every right to hate me." She said.

"I don't hate you." I said gently, guiding her to my closet.

"Pick out some pajamas." I told her. "Want some hot chocolate? I'll go make us some." I offered.

She laughed as she wiped away the last of her tears. "It never ceases to amaze me that you can be so nice to someone who treats you the way that I did."

I laughed too. "That's just who I am, I guess." I said.

I hurried down to the kitchen, where I made our hot drinks. I carried them up on a tray back into my bedroom. Sam was sitting on the bed in a pair of my more recent pajamas. I sat down beside her and handed her a cup of hot chocolate.

She took a long, careful sip before turning to me. "I missed you." She said, regret in her voice.

"I missed you, too. More than you'll ever know. Besides you and Freddie, I don't really have friends, so it's been dull around here."

"Sorry." She said again.

"Come on, I already said it was okay. Let's talk about something else." I shifted, facing her on the bed. "What were you and your mom fighting about this time?"

"Oh, that. Apparently she's ditching me to go to Vegas this weekend. I was telling her that if she left, that I would have nowhere to stay."

"Stay here." I said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Really?" She said. "You'd let me stay here all weekend?"

"Don't forget, you used to practically live in my house when we were kids."

Now that we were ending our senior year in high school, we saw much less of each other. Sam wasn't over as often as she used to be, even before the fight.

"Thanks, Carls."

"Don't mention it."

"So, what's been going on with you in my absence?" She said. "Met any cute guy- uh... I mean... people...um, uh...girls?"

I laughed. "Sam, just because I'm a lesbian doesn't mean I don't think guys are cute. "

She looked puzzled. "But wouldn't that make you, like, bisexual?"

I rolled me eyes. "Nooo. I'm a lesbian because I only like being in actual relationships with girls. I don't want to be with any guys. Ever. But it's not like they've lost their outer appeal." I shrugged.

"Oh." She said, clearly embarrassed by this conversation.

"What about you? Met any cute guys you like lately?"

She shook her head. "Nah. I've just been hangin with the dork."

"Oh." I said, embarrassed too.

Our conversations were most likely going to be pretty awkward from now on. Of course it was no different for me, I was used to Sam liking guys. Since I liked girls, I didn't want Sam to be uncomfortable talking with me about guys, too.

Sam heaved a big yawn.

"Tired?" I said.

"A little."

"Let's go to bed. " I suggested.

"Sounds good." She agreed. We both set our cups down and started for the bed. I grabbed one end of the comforter at the same time she grabbed her end.

We paused at the same moment. Her eyes meeting mine.

"What's wrong?" I said.

"Nothing." She replied, hopping in, tossing the covers over her body. I climbed in beside her, butterflies floating around in my stomach. Sam and I hadn't slept in the same bed together since we were, like fourteen. Before I knew I was a lesbian. It felt weird to be in the bed with another girl now.

Sam was determined to trust me, though. She scooted closer to me and gave me a quick hug.

"You're an awesome friend." Her words gave me the chills.

I smiled. This was how my life should be. Somehow I had gotten my wish. I had Sam back. We were friends again.

I should have been content, sleeping comfortable in my bed with the girl that I was in love with. But still, I wasn't satisfied.

I had feelings for Sam and I wanted to tell her.

"Sam..." I said in a whisper, shaking her shoulder gently.

"Wha? What's the matter, Carls?" Her voice was slurred from sleep and her eyes were still shut.

"I, uh..." I stammered, nervous.

Should I tell her how I feel about her now?

No, I decided. We were friends again, and that was enough for now. There's only so much news Sam could take, anyway.

"Never mind." I said. But she was already fast asleep again.

A/N: Sorry for taking too long to update. School's been hard to keep up with this year. Leave a review!