DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns everything; We just have overly active imaginations.
ATTENTION: This story's theme is rape.
A/N (Jessi): Italics is FB and basic type is RT. A bit of a lighter chapter, we wanted to make things not so doom and gloom. Another glimpse of what Edward and Bella's life was like before her rape here. Then finishing up with some more of her time in Forks. Now, achem… some words from my co-conspirator in writing:
A/N #2 (danna0724): some things that we need to mention: you will see some posts with some chapter editing. We have noticed some grammar and punctuation errors in early chapters and we want this to be as perfect and professional as possible, so please bear with us while we make Tortured Sole the best that it can be.
Also, while the brilliant and fabulous SM owns the characters; the plot and ideas of TS are owned by Jessi Cullen-Norrington and danna0724 respectively ©2010 and any thievery will be punished as seen fit by our faithful readers ;o) Besides…you don't wanna be a "ganker" do ya?? (as in to "gank" someone else's shit)
- Enjoy!
Tortured Sole
Bella's POV
"Bella, if we don't hurry up, we are going to be late!" Edward's laughing voice came loudly up the stairs and into our bedroom. Ha, yes we were going to be late if I didn't hurry up. We were supposed to be at his parent's house in ten minutes, and I was still ringing wet from my shower. Thankfully our second home that Edward built, is only a few minutes away from my in-laws house here in my hometown of Forks, Washington.
Just perfect, Esme went to all the trouble of getting together a family dinner, and I couldn't even get ready to be there on time. Esme wanted everyone to meet the twins… even though I am pretty sure everyone who will be there saw them at the hospital. Whatever appeases her and Alice is just fine for me. The Cullen women do nothing small… I wouldn't necessarily include myself into that category; the gene that gets passed down from generation to generation doesn't seep into those who marry into the family. At least I don't think Rose has changed any since marrying Emmett. Dear Lord, Nattie is officially doomed!
Edward startled me out of my random line of thoughts when he came chuckling into our bathroom. "Where's your dress, baby?" I had to think a minute. I know I picked it up from the tailor's, but where did I put it? It'd be nice if I could attend a formal dinner in formal attire.
"Umm… in the front closet I think." He went to go down and get it when I stopped him. I could be so paranoid at times; I don't think it is healthy. "Wait, where are the twins?" He smiled before he answered.
"Alice came to get them while you were in the shower. She said she thought we could use two less things to worry about… I guess she was right." If I was within arm's reach of anything I would have chucked it at him. I didn't care how good he looked in a tux! He could learn to keep some comments to himself.
Instead of taking the time to blow dry my hair, I just twisted it up on top of my head. Edward came back with my dress just as I was dusting on some makeup. I was about to go collect all the necessary undergarments when Edward came out of my closet with an armful.
"I think this is everything you need." He looked as if he had just solved a math problem. You'd think he'd have an easier time considering how many times he had removed the same garments.
Glancing over everything he had in his arms. Panties, check. Strapless bra, check, and kudos to him for remembering no straps. Slip, the dress has about five million layers, honey, but thanks anyways. Oh, hose, you always forget something. Taking the bra and panties, and pulling them on I asked him to go get some panty hose or something. I waited a few minutes occupying myself with finding shoes to go with the dress. I wondered what was so hard about my simple task when he finally came back out with more than I asked for.
"Can you wear this with that dress?" The smile began to pull at my lips before I could look taken aback. I'd asked for panty hose, and I got stockings with a garter belt, so very Edward.
"Why not? Thank you, honey." While getting everything all set into place, Edward fidgeted with his tux, finally settling on straightening his bow tie. "Are you sure you don't want me to bring that bottle of wine I set out?" I never liked going empty handed. Even if the dinner was for us…well the twins, it just went against everything I was ever taught being raised. We had this same discussion before every dinner his family ever invited us to. You'd think I'd give up and just go already.
"Bella Baby, I am one-hundred percent positive Mom has eight bottles of that same wine in the cellar. Don't worry about it. Just get dressed I'll start the car," With a smile, he gave me a peck on the lips and walked out of our room.
Hurrying down the steps, feeling like I was forgetting something, I slid into the passenger seat of Edward's car. "We didn't forget anything did we? I know I always feel like we are, but just humor me."
Edward laughed before pulling out of the garage. "Alice took all the baby stuff, right?"
"Bella, honey, the twins have every possible thing they could ever need at my parents house, but yes Alice did take the baby stuff." Giving me a reassuring glance he reached over and took my hand in his. "Bella, try to relax tonight and just enjoy yourself. I know this is the first time the twins have been out of the house without us, but everything is going to be fine. You got it? Just have fun with our family tonight." Giving my hand a good squeeze, he turned up the soft classical music that had been in the background.
I still wasn't sure how I felt about the twins staying with the Cullen women for the night. Edward came to me with this plan a few days ago, and I have been trying to convince myself it was okay ever since.
Minutes later, we pulled up to the Cullen's three story white house amid the endless greenery of Forks. Alice being Alice, met us at the front door.
"There you guys are! Jeez, it's good you guys weren't coming in all the way from Chicago! We have been waiting for hours!" Okay Alice we were running a bit late, but it wasn't hours.
"Alice, zip it. I'm sorry for making you wait, 'Miss Princess'," I replied sarcastically.
I got an eye roll from the pixie herself as she led us through the door. "Please Bella, you were late even before you had the twins. I remember because you had that couture red dress on that evening, you know, at the party we had at my place? Edward got that dress right from the designer for you, and we thought you would freak out, but you actually didn't. I lost fifty bucks on that bet to Rose, how she got that one by me I will never know." Alice looked so crestfallen you would have thought it was a matter of national importance the night I decided to just accept a gift from my husband… or anyone without putting up a hissy fit. It really was a lovely dress. Fit my pregnant form like a glove out of heaven.
"I'm sorry to be late… again my dear girl. Now can we get further than the foyer? I'd like to see the rest of the family, including my children." Before Alice could say anything else Edward gave her a brotherly stare down and walked us past her into the kitchen where everyone was congregated watching Esme put the finishing touches on dinner, a dinner that smelled absolutely amazing.
Going about our rounds of hugs and kisses to all the family, we settled ourselves in waiting for Esme to give us the green light to race each other to dining room table. It was tradition for everyone to race to the table. I'd heard the story many times before. Just picturing the toddler's Emmett and Edward racing Carlisle to the table brought a huge smile to my face. Just wondering what Nick and Nattie would come up with.
Bringing myself back to the present, I had to be on the ready. I had beat Emmett three straight times and I was not losing my winning streak now. Jasper, the former champion, and I had a tag team that we felt was pretty unbeatable. We'd been practicing since Esme set the date.
The twins had been claimed by Rosalie and Carlisle. The good doctor was determined to get one of his new grandchildren to follow in his surgical footsteps.
Esme came up behind me as I was observing the proud grandpa. "Poor Nicholas, between Charlie and Carlisle, I thought would come to blows when Carlisle deemed it was his turn to hold him and Charlie apparently didn't think he'd had enough time to regale his grandson about his many years on the Forks Police Force."
I chuckled at the image she described. It was an adorable tale of two very proud grandfathers both wanting the best for their grandchildren. We would have to wait a few more years to see what Nick and Nattie will become. We will have another doctor, or police officer, both, or neither. Turning to look at Esme, she had much the same expression that I wore. "I suppose it's a good thing Edward and I had twins."
She laughed quietly for a moment before leaning in further to whisper into my ear. "Indeed. Now, dinner's ready. Go get 'em, Mama." Pulling away, I gave her a broad smile then took off toward the dining room, sliding into my chair just as Emmett's voice came booming over the chatter and music in the background. I think the next door neighbor knew his life wasn't perfect at the moment.
"Mom! That's not fair! You can't pick favorites! Mom! She won again! Rose!" Everyone came trotting in followed by a sullen Emmett. I gave that sour look for a few more seconds before he had time to take in the spread Esme had been working on all day. Of course, my seat of victory looked pretty good, no matter what we'd be eating. I couldn't help the wide shit-eating grin that I was sporting.
Esme came around the table putting down the last dish from the kitchen and gave me a high five. I loved this woman. Removing her apron before sitting down, she went over to Carlisle with outstretched arms. "You've been hogging Nicholas for quite long enough my love. Hand my grandson over." With a saddened expression he reluctantly handed over my son who had been getting educated on all kinds of medical things for the past hour or so.
The evening went on very much in the same fashion all of us eating and laughing and everyone passing the twins around so everyone had a turn with each of them. Well, as long as we made sure Rosalie always had a baby in her arms. Rose loved everything about babies. I still don't quite get what she tells me about the smell of the tops of their heads, to me it's just like all the rest of them.
By the end of the evening leftovers were a foreign word and wine glasses were dry and every slice of dessert was eaten and all of us were thoroughly stuffed and ready to head home and get some shut eye. Before we had to head back to Chicago in just a few short days. We all loved being back home in Forks, no matter how much we liked the city.
Esme and Carlisle were thrilled tonight to be able to watch the twins until we all met for breakfast tomorrow morning. I just hope I would be able make it that long without them. I didn't want to be up calling them every fifteen minutes to check in on them.
"Oh, please Bella I am sure Eddie here will make sure you are thoroughly distracted for the night." I blushed full crimson. No matter how long I had spent with these Cullen women I would never get used to how freely they spoke of things. Rose had always been too forthcoming without added help. Now I think I would just retain a permanent blush till I died. I gave the little woman a sideways glance before turning to Esme who had Nattie cradled in her arms.
"Does it ever get easier. I mean… is this even normal? You know, worrying that I can't leave them in the very capable hands of their grandparents for the night." She pursed her lips in a motherly smile. I knew a mother of three would understand.
"Oh, honey! Is it normal? Bella, when Emmett was born nobody, and I mean nobody, held that child. I thought I would be better when Edward was born about a year later, but no. I holed up in the house and didn't leave until Carlisle began to worry. Then when Alice was finally born, a couple years later, I thought I would be cured. Not a chance… I think it was worse. I had finally gotten my baby girl… yes, but it was worse. The boys feared for my sanity."
Well, at least I'm not alone. No less than fifty kisses to both Nick and Nattie and rounds of kisses and hugs to the rest of the Cullen's and Dad we all finally pulled out into the Washington air and went our separate ways until tomorrow. Which couldn't come fast enough, I needed those two like I needed air. I gripped Edward's hand for dear life the entire drive home.
~-~
That night after all the guys left and the fish and pizza had been eaten and every can of Vitamin R had been drunk, I sat alone in my quiet room. I had hoped that coming back to my childhood home, rather than my own house in Forks would be therapeutic and stop the tears. They didn't come right away, but soon sobs racked my small body. It didn't feel right. I hadn't smiled and laughed so much in over a year. How could that change now? How could a house I grew up in, my dad and my best friend turn around my life? How could my depressed and tortured soul begin to mend now? I didn't understand it. I cried for hours into the night. I cried for Nicholas and Natalie. I cried for Edward. I cried for my family. I even cried for me. How could I be happy amongst all the sadness that comprised my life? How could I do that to the memory of my children? How could I be happy and have a great time when the man who raped me and murdered my children was still out there?
The rain that had began on my drive back from the beach hadn't let up all day. It seemed fitting for my tears to mirror the tiny droplets that fell from the heavens. The earth was sad too tonight. I slept not one moment of that night.
I heard Charlie's alarm sound off in the early morning hours when it was still dark. I listened to him get ready for work. A soft knock sounded at my door as I was listening for his footsteps to descend the stairs. I knew he would come in if I answered or not, but the faint hope lingered that if I didn't say anything maybe he would just leave me alone, think I was asleep like the rest of Forks or something. My hopes weren't fulfilled this drizzly morning after two soft knocks Charlie poked his head into my dark room and did in fact notice the box of tissues that lay scattered crumpled beside my bed full of shed tears. He knew I was awake as the light from the hallway flooded my small room enough for him to see my eyes were open. In hurried steps he came into my room sitting down on my bed. I knew he couldn't stay long which was my only saving grace; he had to be at work soon. That, however, didn't mean this conversation would be any easier.
"Bella is everything alright? I can see something was bothering you. Was it another nightmare? Edward told me you have them. Are you okay? Do you need anything? Talk to me, sweetie."
My dad's very fatherly words of care nearly brought new tears to my eyes. They were the words spoken of a true father. They were words I would never hear from the one who told him of my nightmares. Edward would never have a child of his own to comfort as Charlie has always done for me. Because of me, Edward was robbed of that. I lost that for him. In one night I lost everything for him, our children and my ability to bear children. As for this moment, I had to answer my own father before he began to worry as I knew he would.
"I'm fine dad. I just…" My words failed me. How could I tell Charlie what I was feeling? I barely knew what I was feeling. I didn't know how to articulate something so fragile inside of me. "Dad, I just needed to let out a few things. I'm sorry if I scared you, I didn't mean to. I'm better now. Do you want me to make you breakfast or something?"
He seemed to accept my vague sum up of emotions as a brushing off what I really needed to say. I divert the subject when it becomes too painful, and Charlie knew that. Mundane household chores have been an outlet for a long time. Our house in Chicago was spotless after my return home. Meals consisted of multiple courses and baking was constant. I took all kinds of things over to every family member and friend and when they were bogged down with food, I went to the neighbors and made sure they were fully stocked with baked goods. I could cook for Charlie now. I needed something to get my mind off the number of times I laughed and smiled and joked last night. I needed to do something besides waste more tissues.
"I'm fine Bells, you just rest today. I'll find something down there myself." That wasn't the answer I was looking for. I couldn't lie here feeling sorry for myself any longer. As he stood up to leave I slipped out from under my blankets and began following him to the kitchen.
"Bells, I said I could find something this morning." I rolled my eyes, yes I heard you loud and clear.
"I know, but I want to make you something. You shouldn't have to stop at the diner." I made sure to give him a pointed stare. I knew full well he had been frequenting the diner more than was physically healthy. I had my sources. I stopped there to get a milkshake yesterday and got an earful on the eating habits of Charles Swan, Police Chief of Forks, Washington.
I got a grunt from Charlie as he slumped down into a kitchen chair and I busied myself with the task of making breakfast. I managed to find a few eggs, and what would have bacon if it hadn't been in the refrigerator for far too long. So I had to settle on making some lightly cheesy scrambled eggs and toast with jelly for the old man this morning. At least now I knew I could fill a bit of my day with making out a grocery list and going to the store. That was when Charlie thought it necessary to jump into my day's planning.
"Bella," this couldn't be good he called me Bella. He calls me Bella when he wants to make sure I'm listening. He calls me Isabella when he's irritated and of course Isabella Marie is reserved for when I'm in trouble. "I want you to drive into La Push today. I know you just saw Jacob, but honey you just… you just seemed happier when you were with him. You hadn't smiled a genuine smile in a long time, sweetie. I just want to see you happy again. He's been your friend since you guys were in diapers. Just humor me please and go over there. He's missed you, you know."
I got a pointed stare from my father. He was smiling while he did it, but I knew he meant business. I also knew that he would be on the phone with Billy to check and see if I did indeed go to see Jacob today. I knew I wasn't getting out of this. I could try and explain to Charlie why for the very same reasons he wanted me to go see Jacob that I didn't want to set one foot into La Push, but that would just make him worry. What I wasn't expecting was the continuation of the Charlie Swan Speech of 2010.
"Oh, and Bella when you get back from visiting Jacob I want you to call Rosalie. She called yesterday while you were out and told me she is the one helping you talk through this whole thing that has happened. Now, I want you to call her. Talk to her honey and listen to her, she can help you, I know she can. I have to believe she can. So can you do those two things for me, darling? It would mean a lot to your old man over here. Give him some peace of mind."
I sat there being stubborn for a few seconds. I didn't want to see Jacob and I didn't really want to talk to Rosalie. It's like, hell; in just a few minutes while we were packing she got me to nearly tell her the entire thing! How could I talk to her? I didn't want to do anything but go to the store and read a book and write my own. Why couldn't everybody just leave me alone and forget about everything?
I knew that wasn't going to happen. For that to happen I would have to be a part of the 'everybody' and that wasn't going to happen any time soon. I would never in my life be able to forget the events of the night that changed and destroyed my life forever.
Sitting there at the kitchen table I had sat at since I was a baby, staring at my dad I knew he was doing this because he loved me. I often did come to that conclusion while sitting here at this table. As a small child I saw him and my mother battle it out as to whom I would be staying with for the majority of the time. As I got older he insisted we always eat together for breakfast and dinner no matter what exactly it was. As the years went on further he laid down the law because he wanted to keep me safe, because he loved me more than anything. In high school I eavesdropped on the many 'talks' he had with Edward.
I knew deep down that he wanted me to get my ass out of this house and go and see Jake and call Rosalie because he loved me. He wanted me to get better too. He wanted to see me happy again.
Nodding my head I asked a question that just randomly popped into my head before I vocalized my decision to his questions. I still was thinking about what I wanted to do exactly.
"How is the house? Does anyone go and check on it? Who knows what can happen out where it is." I didn't have to specify what I meant to Charlie. He knew I was talking about the house Edward had built for us not far from his family's house.
I hadn't been there since not long after the twins were born. We had a family dinner at Carlisle and Esme's and we stayed there. It seemed like another life being reminisced on now.
Edward always wanted to raise our family here in Forks. He said it was a quiet little town that was perfect for just that, a family. We had plans to transfer our lives from Chicago back home, to Washington when the night came when we no longer had a family to raise in Forks. Neither of us had the strength to go back and see the baby nursery that no one ever bothered to remodel. The toys still scattered about the house. The lone house in the woods would be just as we had left it the Sunday morning we left for Chicago.
"Yeah I've been several times, but Esme goes over and checks on it I think about once a week. She's a little closer than me." Charlie seemed almost apologetic as he answered me. He knew it was a tough subject. He wouldn't be asking me to go there.
"Thanks." I couldn't manage much more. I felt drained already and the sun was barely up. I knew I had to do something though. I couldn't wallow in my thoughts as I had last night.
Charlie glanced at his watch. I didn't know what his exact schedule was anymore, but I knew he probably had to leave soon. "Well, I better get going. Thanks for breakfast, Bells." He gave me a warm smile as he bent down to drop a kiss to the top of my head. I walked with him to the door handing him his coat after he put on his gun belt that still hung on the peg next to the door.
He was walking out the door before I had to courage to answer the question he raised at the kitchen table. "I think I'll just get ready to head out to La Push then run by the grocery store and pick up some much needed food and things on my way back into town. Then, I might check in and see how things are going back home."
He didn't need me to clarify anything. Charlie knew me well enough to know what I was really saying was that I was going to do what he wanted. I was going to do it, but that didn't mean I wanted to talk about it.
I watched him pull out of the driveway then headed upstairs to take a shower and get dressed for the day. No sense in dragging out the inevitable even if I seriously wanted to.
I stood under the spray of the shower much longer than I normally would have. The hot water helped relax all my muscles. The bathroom had a nice fog when I stepped out. Wrapping myself and my hair in a towel I walked to my room to dig out something to wear.
Glancing through my closet and bags I had brought with me, I decided on comfort. Well worn jeans and a loose fitting top with my torn up old leather boots. One of the many pairs I have here. Alice refused to let me bring them to Chicago, saying what comes from Forks should stay in Forks, but what else can you expect from someone who studied fashion design abroad at John Cabot in Rome? But my boots sure beat the stilettos she crams my poor feet into.
Slipping on my leather jacket and slinging my purse over my shoulder I locked up the house and hopped in my little rental. How much I missed my Audi SUV back home. It was still parked in the garage in our suburban Illinois home.
I took my time making the drive into La Push. I knew Jake wouldn't be up this early. He didn't usually prefer to join the living until about ten. Knowing this and not wanting a verbal thrashing even if it was mostly in jest, I decided to take another stroll down the beach.
With just me and the crashing ocean waves I sat on a piece of driftwood and enjoyed the beauty of my home. I didn't think about all the walks Edward and I had taken along this same beach or the countless volleyball games we had set up among the six of us here. I most certainly didn't let my mind wander to the last time I was here on this particular stretch of beach; the time when our family still consisted of four. Those memories though happy were painful. Happy times didn't happen in my life anymore. There was only room for cold and dreary times.
The overcast sun was high in the sky by the time I was ready to face the one I had often called my own personal sun. Jake brought warmth and light to a room only by walking into it. He knew me better than a lot of people just by how much time we had spent together.
Getting back into my car thoroughly windblown, I headed in the direction of the Blacks' house. It still looked pretty much the same as it had every other time I had come, still the small little red house just off the road.
I wasn't expecting Jake to be sitting on the front porch, half dressed with a mug of coffee in his hands and a scowl on his face. Sometimes even the sun needs cheering up.
His face softened minutely when he saw it was me coming to greet him. Whatever it was that is obviously bothering him must be serious. He wasn't even this upset when I told him Edward and I were officially dating or when we announced we were getting married. He didn't wear a face like that even at our wedding for Christ's sake! I didn't know what would have Jake in more of a tizzy then me falling in love with someone who wasn't 'good' enough. He and Charlie were apparently on the same page, even if Dad had since come to love Edward as a son even more than he had when we were growing up.
I damn near tripped trying to get out of the car in a hurry. Seatbelts aren't any help for the uncoordinated let me tell you. Running up I sat next to Jake on the front step gently knocking his broad shoulder with mine.
"Hey, why the long face? Miss me?" I didn't have to wait long for his snapped answer.
"No." Yep he's pissed about something. Wait…1, 2… "Wait. NO. No, of course I missed you. Damn, yeah Bella, Jesus! Umm… yeah." I couldn't contain my laughter at this point. Oh, Jake I love you.
"Sure, sure whatever you say." I was still smirking. Once I picked up that little phrase from him I could never shake it. What was wrong with just a simple yes?
Jake's humored eyes all of a sudden changed to serious. Here was the answer to the million dollar question. "It's just Billy." He sighed defeatedly.
This was news. He and his dad always got along pretty good. As good as could be expected I guess. They may not have always seen eye to eye on everything, but they were good at letting stuff just slide on over.
"What you mean? You guys get into a fight or something?" I arched an eyebrow, this never happened at the Blacks' house.
"You could say that." What was up with this? Jake never stopped at one sentence. Once you got him talking, it was never ending. I never had to pry for information.
"Yeah…" I tried to lead him on hoping he would spill whatever was evidently bothering him.
"It's nothing." I practically scoffed. Was I really going to grace that with an answer? Yep, sure was.
"Jake! This…" I gestured to him and the glower still all over his beautiful face, "is not 'nothing'. Something is bothering you."
Jake stared at me for a little while before he sucked in a long breath of air and let it out in a whoosh.
"Bella, you don't need to worry yourself with my foolish problems. How about we do something fun. What do you want to do? Have you gone anywhere yet?" He stood up with an obvious fake smile on his face. It didn't reach his eyes that were still tainted with frown.
"Yeah… after you tell me what had you out here killing innocent wildlife with your eyes."
He rolled his eyes at my lack of ability with real humor. I had given up long ago. He didn't want to tell me anything. I wasn't going to push him… okay, I was going to push him.
"Jake." I wasn't backing down about this. At this moment I was sick and tired of doing that for so long.
"Bella… I-I just… you…I-aw, hell." He slapped his hand over his eyes in frustration. I was used to fingers being racked unceremoniously through hair and then a fierce tugging on said hair, but this was Jake. "Bella, how about we go for a little walk?" I wouldn't ever turn something like that down.
"Okay," Stepping up beside him, I took is large hand in mine and gave him a pull.
We walked for a ways before either of us spoke. Jake needed to start. Everyone knew I had demons in my closet. Jake however needed to talk his through before they took up permanent residence like mine had.
"Billy wants me to go out on a date." What?! Of all the things I had expected to be on his mind that was the last. "He says I need to get out of the garage and find that someone special. You know, like what you found with Edward and Sam and Emily and all the other Cullen's… what he had found with my Mom. And…" I had to stop this before he listed off every married couple we knew.
"Jake. I know I get it. Happily married and happily ever after. Got it. What about it? It comes when you're ready and you find the right person."
He nodded at what I had to say. To which part I was not sure, but at least something got through. "Yeah, he wants me to find that with Leah. You know Clearwater." He said the name as if it was poison to his tongue.
"And what exactly is so wrong about Leah Clearwater? She's pretty, and you've know her since forever. She's what…a teacher on the reservation?"
Again there was silence for a few steps. "Yeah, I guess." Oh, this was going nowhere!
"Jake! Go on the damn date!" I'd had it with this. One stupid date wasn't going to kill him. He could order in pizza and pick up a pack of beer and hang out in the garage and he'd be fine. Jeez! He could make a big deal about something so small. Edward did the same thing. Fancy stuff can come later.
"WHAT! No, I can't. She-she…" This should be good.
"She's what? A girl… yeah, Jake, I think that's why Billy suggested her. Let's see who else is there… there's…" I never got a chance to finish my sentence.
"I like her okay! I just don't know what to do." I rolled my eyes at him. MEN!
"What do you mean you don't know what to do? Go do something fun that you both like." I got a blank stare in return. Is this what Alice had to deal with when Edward was fretting over where to take me on dates?
"What like dinner and a movie?"
"Well, you got it right with dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy just a nice little dinner. But hmm… a movie where you don't talk or anything? A movie comes later." Just as I was going to press on, I got another blank stare. I was going to have to go slow here. "Later, as in when you've moved past the talking stage." I still got nothing more than a blank stare. "Onto the physical stage!" There that got a reaction, finally. "So… like take her and do something you both like." And the blank stare was back. He's spent his entire life around this girl and please tell me he knows a few things about her! Please!
"Well… umm…like bowling?" Oh thank you Lord!
"Yes, like bowling." That brought back memories of one of first dates Edward took me on. It was kind of like my first game of pool; he had to show me everything. Ah, I was pitiful at first. It was a happy memory until my thoughts drifted to our situation as of late. Something I quickly tried to sweep under the rug. "Hey, what was with that long face? Is bowling not a good idea honestly?"
"Oh, no bowling is a great idea… I was just remembering." His eyes softened and his pace slowed.
"Bella." He made sure he had my attention. "Bells, I'm worried about you. Charlie talked to me when he found out you were coming. And from what he said I was expecting a zombie. Bella, you did a good job at being happy last night, but I know you too well. You seem so sad under this happy exterior you put up around you." He stopped and looked at me expectantly. I didn't know whether he was waiting for me to speak or if there was still something else he wanted to add. So I decided to just keep my mouth shut. "You had been crying this morning before you came to see me. I could tell."
Now it was my turn to want to fold in on myself and not want to talk about what was going on with me. I wouldn't be talking about where to go on a date.
"You miss him don't you?" That may have been a question, but he didn't say it like one. Jake knew, he always knew me too well. I didn't have the strength anymore to play ignorant. I knew full well what he meant.
This wasn't something I had really thought of. I hadn't let myself think of it. I couldn't.
"Yes." I didn't know if he had heard. It was a defeated whisper. No one likes to admit they were wrong. Not even me.
"Bella, why did you do it then? Why are you still doing it?" That was one of my million dollar questions. He scratched the back of his head vigorously a few times before continuing.
"You two have been inseparable for longer than you will ever admit. You pretended to be put off with the huge thick rimmed glasses and all around geeky mamma's boy look he had going on then… well, worse than it is now..." He shot me a smile to let me know he was 'joking'. I knew better though.
"You've always loved him. I have always been your best friend, but he has always been The One. I have always respected that, even when I would go all caveman that he wasn't good enough for you… nobody would have been," The end was but a whisper, like a secret he was finally telling even though I'd known all along. I have always known I was Jake's girl, long before I knew I was Edward's woman. Looking down at me with the kidding eyes I am so ever used to, "feel very sorry for the daughter I may or may not have one day. You'll be able to sympathize with her when I lock her in a closet and never let her come out until she's forty." I had to smile at the image. The poor thing. "At least I never pulled out a gun or anything." I had to smile at that. Nope, that would be my father who did that.
"Bella what I am trying to get out here is that you two have always needed each other. I only filled so big of a part of your heart. I can only do so much. You need him Bella, just as he needs you. How can you expect to heal if you're trying to do it without your other half?"
A lone tear swept down my cheek. Everything he said made sense; I just didn't know what to do. How could I…? "Jake I-I… I couldn't."
I knew he was irritated with his slow intake of breath. "Bella, forgive me if I'm missing the obvious here, but why can't you? What's the hold up here?"
How could I tell him the truth? The truth, it has been getting harder and harder to tell nowadays. "Jake, I can't see him pity me all the time. I can't see him look at me with those green eyes that have lost every drop of happiness they ever held. I can't look into those beautiful green eyes and see the eyes of our daughter. I-I can't watch him run his hand through his crazy hair and think of how our son would have done the same thing. Jake, I can't be reminded every time I look at him of the children that we lost and will never have because of me."
The tears were flowing freely down my face. I was glad for the seclusion of our walk. Jake stopped and sat himself on the ground motioning for me to follow suit. His eyes were remorseful but thankfully not depressed. They reminded me of Rose's.
"Oh, Jake." That was all I got out before sobs began to rack through my body. He pulled me into his encompassing embrace smoothing out my hair trying his best to comfort me. This wasn't a scraped knee though; this was my heart and soul. "I just want everyone to be happy even if I can't be."
"And what makes you think you can't be happy? I saw you last night; you laughed and had a good time. Why can't you see that is okay to have that once in a while? Charlie showed me your draft for that new book of yours. Damn Bella, I know you always wrote what you felt, but I wanted to cry for that girl. I wanted to cry even more when I realized that girl in your story is you. You are the real tortured soul that is all alone."
I didn't know what more to say to that. Rose, Alice and I already had covered this base only a few days ago. It's true that I can't even make my imagination run to a happy tune. Even in my creative mind, it's only monsters and demons.
"Bella." He collected his thoughts in silence. "You're not alone. Not ever, even if you think you are." His words soothed, but didn't really comfort. I was alone.
"Jake, I don't know how to be happy anymore." Jake was always full of surprises, because instead of a sad expression I got a wide smile.
"Well then, you have come to the right place. We'll have fun and do all kinds of great stuff while you're here. How's that sound?" Having fun? It seemed like something I remembered from so long ago, a distant memory.
"That sounds great." Wow, I couldn't even force my voice to sound enthusiastic. 'Great going, Bella!' Fantastic! Now my conscience is berating me, Rose would have a field day if she knew about any of this.
"Oh, and Bella, think about what I said, about Edward. You need each other more than you know. More than you think you do. I think you'll find that what you gain will outweigh what you think you are losing." He paused for a moment letting the seriousness of this little chat of ours sink in before letting that very Jacob smile spread over his features. "Now, let's go figure out what I can do about this date of mine coming up." With that the sad conversation was over and he was pulling me up off the ground back in the direction we came from.
Saying goodbye to Jake with the promise of getting together the next day to figure out what he was going to do on his upcoming date with Leah, I drove over to the store. I went up and down every aisle about five times just to waste some more time before I had my hard conversation that I knew was coming. Jake's was unexpected, Rose's was not.
With a cart full of all kinds of food, I loaded everything into my car and drove back home never once exceeding the speed limit. Something I haven't done probably since the first time I drove with Edward in the passenger seat. Charlie would have been proud of me.
I meticulously put everything away in the correct cupboard and even folded and put away the bags. Mopping the kitchen floor crossed my mind, but Charlie would be home soon and I didn't really want the tongue lashing or the I-told-you-to-do-it eyes from him. Either way I trudged up the steps like a five year old out in time out and slumped down on my bed and called Rose.
"Hey, Bella! How have your two days in Forks been? Did you do anything fun? Spill, girl!" Ha, please Rose, you have been spending way too much time with Alice.
"Oh, not much I've gone down to the beach and Charlie had all the guys over last night to watch the game and today I went over to spend time with Jake. Oh! And I went to the store."
She giggled on the over end of the line. "So when Edward asks I'll edit things and say you went down to the beach and did some grocery shopping. He'll drive up there himself if I tell him anymore." She laughed while she was talking, but I could hear the undertone in her voice, she was telling the truth.
"Is he really that bad?" I cringed at the answer I knew was coming.
"Well… he's better than he was. I think talking to you when you first landed at SeaTac did him a world of good. He's calmed down some, but he is still being a worry wart. He could somewhat restrain himself when you where just a few miles away, but now that you're across the country, I think he dials your number eighty times a day, but hangs up before even the first ring. Hell, he's asked me if you've called me every time he sees me. It's like damn Bella, how did you ever put up with him? He's all jumpy every time the phone rings it's annoying and I'm a Psychologist!"
Rose could always make me laugh. If I didn't think about the situation that caused Edward to go this crazy, I could see him pacing the floor and ripping at his innocent hair every few minutes. The image quickly brought to mind how much I really missed my husband. "Thanks, Rose."
She took a few breaths. I knew what was coming. I tried not to put up all my walls, but I needed them. I needed them to protect those I loved. No more people would be getting hurt at my expense. I was still worried about what Rose brought to mind about their possibly being another victim just like me. Another woman destroyed at the hand of James, but I just couldn't get there. This, what he did to me was personal. He did what he did because he wanted and he watched and he coveted what he knew he would never be able to have unless he took it by force. Even though I had no other proof, I realized deep down I was probably alone.
"Bella, we need to talk for a few minutes…you know like we did right before you left. I'm hoping you are going to be a little more comfortable talking over the phone." I didn't answer; I didn't know how I felt about this. I know I need to talk to her. I know she can help me, but I have to work with her in order for this whole healing thing to work. I also know I can't tell her my deepest and darkest secret. She knows now that I know who raped me. Only I can know it was James.
"Okay, Rose." My voice sounded weak and afraid even to my own ears.
"Bella, what were you going to tell me before you left?"
There it was, the question of the hour. In a moment of weakness I was about to tell my best friend what had happened. I had never in my life been more relieved for Emmett to barge into a conversation. I owed him for that now.
"Rose, I can't have you digging into what I tell you. I will tell you what I can, but you have to leave it where it lies. Are we clear?" I didn't have to see the eye roll she gave me on her end of the line to know it was there.
"Yes, my sweet, Scout's honor."
"Rose I'm serious." She was making a joke over something that was life and death for me. "Rose, my children died because I didn't take words like those seriously. You can't dig into this. You can't tell anyone about what I tell you. You can't tell anyone I talk to you about that night at all. Please, Rose I-I…"
I was glad a serious and even somewhat somber voice came over the phone now. She needed to see how important this was, how vital it was.
"I can respect that, Bella." It didn't go unnoticed to me how she didn't exactly give me an affirmative. I had to stop being too paranoid!
"Okay."
"Okay? Alright. Bella, what can you tell me? Let's just start off real nice and easy. You've said you can't tell me everything, but what do you feel comfortable talking to me about right now?" Her voice was light and reassuring, her Doctor Cullen voice. She had her game face on and her fight gloves on now. I was in good hands.
"I miss Edward." I don't know why I chose to begin there, but it seemed like neutral ground nothing too close to my incident.
"I figured as much. What do you want to do about it, Bella?"
"I don't know. I'm not ready to face him yet. I can still see them when I look at him."
"That is normal, Bella. This is your mind and body's way of coping; you have to respect that. Now, do you think it would help you if you talked to Edward once or twice a week too?"
I had to think about that. I hadn't expected Edward to pick up the phone when I called the house phone at Rosalie's. It had been heaven to hear his voice again so melodic it nearly took my breath away. But could I be ready for an actual conversation?
"I don't know… maybe." I do hope Rose's patience lasted long enough.
"Okay. I'll talk to him for you. Just to see what he thinks, and the next time you call me we'll talk about it. Sound good?"
"Yeah." She was going too easy on me and I knew it.
"Now Bella, I have to ask you something just to put my own mind at ease. I have to know if the man who raped you is here in Chicago. I can't leave my apartment knowing someone is out there like that. The thought has been driving me over the edge. I get all worried when Alice is out by herself or closing up her shop late at night. I've sent Jasper or Emmett over there to make sure she's okay. Hell Bella, I've dragged Edward along with me whenever I leave the house! I have wanted to scream and tell everyone woman out there to carry pepper spray!"
I almost didn't have the courage to tell her my rapist not only was residing in Chicago, but had also been inside her home. I could lie or I could tell her the truth it was up to me.
"He lives on the suburbs on the other side of the city." The words rushed out before I could check them. It's not like I told her anything of real value, but it still made me feel sick inside.
"Shit, Bella! He lives… Bella! How… Have you seen him since your attack? Damn it, Bella tell me!" I think Dr. Cullen just vanished in place of best friend Rosalie.
"Yes." She was never letting me come back to Chicago ever again. In fact if the entire family wasn't getting moved back home, I'd be surprised.
"WHAT?! Bella! Lord help me! You've SEEN him! Fuck Bella!..." Yeah this was definitely not Dr. Cullen.
"Rose, I know, I know. I'm here now and as long as I don't tell anyone, I'll be fine." She actually screamed on the other side of the phone. Emmett was going to get an earful when he got home. That's when I heard commotion of the other end of the line. That's when it hit me. It wasn't just Emmett and Rosalie living in their house.
Her voice was muted like she was holding the receiving end of the phone into her hand, but I heard her nonetheless. "Edward! Get out!... No, I am not telling you who I'm on the phone with! No, I don't care who's name you heard! Now get out! I thought you were at the office! This is private call with a patient! This phone call is confidential! Get. The. Fuck. Out. Now!... Get out!"
There was a loud slam of the heavy exterior door of their house. I fear for the pictures and mirrors hanging on the wall.
"Bella." She took a calming breath to release some of her anger. "Now, where were we? Oh, yes, you can't just not tell somebody this! Something could have happened to you! You were in that house all alone for weeks! You could have been taken and raped again! You could have been murdered! Bella! You are not leaving Forks! You are not coming home! It is too dangerous! I don't care what you think you know about this psycho!" The doctor still wasn't anywhere to be seen that was for sure.
"Rose, I know and I'm sorry I am still dealing with all too. I'm still afraid." After all this time that's what I still was. After over a year I am still the scared broken woman who was left curled up on the small creaky bed in the basement of the little cottage I had thought was cute upon first inspection. I was still no better after over a year.
Her voice softened hearing mine about to crack through my tears. When would the tears stop?! I was tired of crying, yet my body still produced them.
"Bella, baby I'm sor-"
"Don't you fucking call me that!" I didn't mean for my words to come out so harsh, but they did and I wasn't taking them back. I had snapped at Edward time and time again after I was found, it was about time everyone knew.
"You don't want me to call you Bella or baby? Talk to me…." And the reentry of Doctor Cullen.
"Don't. You. Ever. Call. Me. Baby." I was serious about this. It didn't take me long after my rape to connect why Rose no longer preferred to be called Rosie. She didn't snap at us too much anymore… well at least Alice and I. If I were to bet I would say it was for the same reason. We would be confronting this later I am sure.
"Okay Bella, I can do that. I won't ever call you that anymore. I'm sorry for upsetting you." She paused for a moment, probably to see if I had anything I wanted to say. I didn't. "Bella, how about we end for today? You did really well. I'm proud of you honey. We'll talk more later in the week, okay. And I'll talk to Edward once he comes back. I'm sorry darling, but I think he's going to want to talk to you after what he just heard. I'll talk him out of getting in his car and driving across the country."
"Thank you, Rose." What more could I say?
"Alright. Thank you, Bella. Night. Sweet dreams. Love you, chica."
"Love you too, Rose. Night."
Sweet dreams hadn't come in over a year. Never once did I close my eyes and see pictures of good things or happy things. However, Rose had been right, I would have sweet dreams tonight. For the first time in ages they were filled with laughter, smiles, tanned skin, and walks along the beach. If only someone hadn't been missing, they would have been perfect.
A/N: Wow that was along one! Woot! Lots of stuff packed in here. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for reading, I adore you all!
Can you all believe we have a total of 63 reviews on both our profiles for this story?!? I am so thrilled!
You all know what to do now that you have read go ahead and tell us what you think. We love to hear it!
The next chapter up is going to be in Edward's POV! I am looking forward to it.
And the huge THANK YOU goes to… danna0724 my wonderful collaborator! Seriously without her this story would be nothing of what it is today. You gotta show her some love too!
Then to my loyal beta: songster who provides the extra set of eyes to catch all of those little glitches.
Thanks ladies! You're the best!
~Jessi
A/N #2: (danna0724) A little history, some light family bantering, and some happy times in the FB, and more importantly, maybe a little healing for Bella in RT?? Possibly… so I had a review who mentioned some poetic justice coming to James via a .357 to the head administered by Bella… What are your thoughts on his demise? How would you dispatch your assailant if given the opportunity? Leave it in a review for Jessi and I to review…and your idea could possibly be used…
~as always, BIG love to Jessi and songster… you h00rz are the bestest of the best ;o)