DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns everything; I just have an overly active imagination.
ATTENTION: This story's theme is rape.
A/N (Jessi): Okay… the theme of this story is rape, yes, you just read that. This chapter right here is the main reason those words have been at the header of every chapter of this story. If you chose to read the Flash Back and not skip to the Real Time then have tissues.
A/N#2 (danna0724): woof! THIS was beyond hard… this was hard to write and even harder for me to relive. I am going to give you full warning now, I went easy on you with Rose's rape, this portrayal is VERY graphic, and VERY disturbing, but it needed to be portrayed for the sake of the story. If you are of weak constitution, you may want to skip the FB and go right to the RL. As always, this story belongs to Jessi and I and any unauthorized copying is "ganking" and we will send Aro after your arse.
Tortured Soul: Chapter 11
Bella's POV
No hallways had ever seemed to be as long as the one in the small cottage where ever I happened to be. Every sense seemed to be heightened…the smell of the air around us, the sounds of the forest just beyond the tiny windows.Yet no matter what, every one of my senses were focused on but one person- James.
At the end of the hallway there was but one door. James opened it and motioned for me to enter first. Inside, there was a cramped bedroom, holding nothing but the bare necessities; a double bed, a dresser and a single mirror stood in the corner next to the lone window.
James made to follow me into the room, but I couldn't… not yet. "Shut the door." My only request. "I don't want them to hear anything."
He scoffed at me, but did nudge the door until I heard a quiet click. It was now me and my monster. There was nothing standing in between him and what he wanted, what he had coveted for so long- me.
"Turn around, Bella." I did as he bid. I was, after all, in no position to argue. There was no point in it anyway. I had nothing to offer, save what he wanted. All I could hope is that he would take his fill and be rid of us.
Coming to a stop, I was faced with my reflection in the lone mirror in the corner. I closed my eyes, not willing to look at the hand I had been dealt today in the card game of life. I heard James walk up behind me and rest his hands on my hips. Hips that weren't as slender as they used to be. Children could do that to a woman's body.
"Open your eyes, Baby. Look. You see that. It's you and me, Baby. See how good we look together, like we were made to be here?" His words made me want to vomit, the bile creeping up the back of my throat. Instead I stood there passively, and stared back at our reflection in the old mirror.
Slowly his hands came around to the buttons that fastened my white, now wrinkled pressed shirt. Numbness began to take a hold of me for which I was thankful. I didn't want to be able to feel anything. I only hoped the numbness would last.
I stood stock still as he slid my shirt from my shoulders, caressing the skin as he went. My slacks were big on me; leftover from the early months of my pregnancy. Alice would be appalled to find them still remaining in my closet. They were easily pushed from my hips to puddle on the floor.
His hands continued their slow and sick exploration of the skin he uncovered. Not yet making a move to remove anything else, for which I was glad. "You are exquisite. And you know what else Baby?" His breath was hot against my ear sending the blessed numbness slowly creeping back into the shadows. "You are mine." Stepping back from me, he beckoned me yet again to stand in front of him.
He stood there drinking me in and caressing my face softly. So soft and gentle, it could have been mistaken for a lover's touch. Perhaps to him, it was.
"Do the same for me that I have done for you Baby." I didn't understand what he was asking of me. Time and space seemed like it had slowed, almost as if I was a mere observer to the events happening. Not wanting to do anything wrong, I remained still before him. He lifted his chin in the direction of the mirror where my clothes were in a small pile. He wanted me to remove his dress shirt and slacks.
My mind seemed like it was in a hazy fog. I should be doing something other than accepting my fate. I couldn't get my brain to cooperate though. Nothing came to mind. I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't even know where we were. I just wanted, above all, for this nightmare to be over. I wanted to wake up curled up next to my husband, and our children down the hall.
I slowly raised my shaky fingers and tried to get them to cooperate on the small buttons of his shirt. It was a slow process, but he didn't say anything or show any signs of disgust. If anything, he still appeared to be content. As my fingers began to fumble with the buckle to his belt, I felt that for a fact he wasn't irritated with me at all, and shuddered.
With his shirt and pants in a small heap on the floor, similar to mine, I stopped. He told me to do the same for him, and he had not removed anything more than that. I wasn't going to speed this process along any more than I had to. I wanted to get out of here more than anything, but that didn't mean I wasn't terrified of what was still to come. I had been in this room not even ten minutes; I had a feeling this had just begun.
With a pleased smile on his face he told me I had done well. His eyes were fixed on mine as he closed the space between us, enveloping me in his arms. He brought my chin up so I was looking him in his steely eyes again. "Now, I finally get to kiss you." He murmured against my lips. He wasn't rough as I had expected him to be. It began chaste in what some other girl would have considered a suitable first kiss. Neat and clean not even too wet. It made the bile threaten to rise again in my throat again.
"Just as sweet as I had imagined you to be." I wanted to let lose my tears and slap him for that. Edward had been the only man to kiss me like this, Edward was the only man I ever wanted to hear such a thing from.
"Go lie down on the bed, Baby." My breath caught. I knew he wouldn't keep this relatively painless stuff up for long. "I won't ask you again, Bella. Get. On. The. Bed." That was the first time since waking up in front of the cottage in the woods that his tone had become harsh and dominating. Quickly I tripped my way to land on the corner of the bed.
He slowly approached me, I began trembling, what was I thinking… I couldn't just lie here and take this; I can't just accept what is happening to me. It seemed like my mind had finally chosen to cooperate. I stood up and attempted to move towards the door, he grabbed me by the waist, effectively forcing me back towards the bed. I didn't lose my footing though, although I thought I would, and I stood back up.
"Damn it woman, why are you forcing my hand with this?" he asked.
"Please, please don't…" I began. But he didn't want to hear me plead against this. He wanted me to want it, and I didn't and now he knew it. With that he lifted his hand and dealt a blow across my cheek. That blow knocked me back, onto the bed, instantly I cupped my cheek in my hands, tears now flowing freely. He began to pursue me again, I crawled backward up the bed, shaking my head at him, trying to portray I didn't want this. I could NEVER want this. He grabbed my ankle and dragged my body back down the bed, and then effectively flung his body on top of mine. Instantaneously, his hands were touching me, rubbing me.
"You feel so good, Baby." As he began kissing my jaw, down towards my ear. He nipped the sensitive spot just below my ear lobe making me yelp in fear and surprise.
"Shhh…" he cooed, "you said yourself you don't want to interrupt those babies of yours."
Thinking of the twins gave me renewed strength. I reached out and slapped and hit what I could…began kicking my legs and thrusting my knees in effort to just make contact with anything at all. I tried to focus on what Charlie had taught Rose and I when we were younger. The rules… the rules of winning a fight… can't see, can't breathe, can't walk. Take away those elements and you can attempt to get away. With those thoughts in my mind and a determination to stop this from happening, I concentrated on landing my hits.
With the heel of my palm, I thrust at his face, making contact with his nose, causing an instant gush of blood to flow. I hit him hard, but not hard enough. His eyes watered up, and anger flashed through them. His guard was down, for just a moment, I brought my knee up and connected with the junction between his legs.
He groaned. "Ungh…you fucking bitch!"
He reached up, with a closed fist and connected with my jaw. I saw stars and blackness threatened to overtake me. His hands wrapped around my throat, and he squeezed. My eyes started to roll back. Blessed numbness.
"Oh. No. You. Don't!" he spat. "You will remember this, Baby." He shook me by the shoulders.
My head jostled back and forth, I was somewhere between reality and a dream, or rather a nightmare. James' mostly naked form was on top of my body. He began with renewed determination to take what he wanted. In one quick move he had shredded my bra and freed my chest to him. His mouth began exploring, sucking and nipping. He cupped a breast in his hand and began massaging. To my utter horror, my unwilling body responded to the stimulation and my nipple hardened.
"See Baby, you want this as much as I do," he said as he lowered his head to my nipple and began to suck. "Mmmmm…"
I didn't want this! I wriggled beneath him again and attempted to get space between us. He grabbed me firmly, tightening his hold, pressing his manhood against my thigh, and groaned at the friction my movements had provided him. With another quick flick of his wrists, he ripped my underwear from my lower body, exposing me to him fully. I tried squeezing my legs together, to deny access to my core.
"NO!" was all I could manage and he slid his hand down my body. Frantically, I shook my head back and forth. No…no…no…I don't want this…I could NEVER want this. Tears stained my cheeks, my arms still flailing trying to find purchase and connect on him and portray my disinterest. I hit, and slapped and scratched at his face and chest.
"BABY! You've wanted me as long as I've wanted you! You will give yourself to me and you will enjoy this!" he yelled as his hand found my center. He thrust his fingers into my unwilling body.
I groaned, not in stimulation or pleasure, but in pain. My body did NOT want this, I wasn't willing, under no circumstances would that ever change.
"No," I managed again, weaker this time. I was trying to remain forceful and intent on showing my displeasure with this.
"Yes…just accept it and just feel Baby," he began separating my knees.
I tried with all my strength to keep my knees together, but he was strong, so much stronger than I had thought. He managed to pry my knees apart and settled his hips between my legs.
"No," I said again, still attempting to move my body away from his. He was getting upset. It was clearly visible that his irritation level was increasing.
"I said, YOU want this, Baby!" he voiced as his saliva coated my face. He ground his hips into my center again, I felt his erection pressing against me, and it hurt…it hurt so bad.
"NO! James, I will never want you," I forced back, pushing him away with every cell in my body that I could muster strength from. "You are delusional!"
Pure hatred crossed his features. He pulled up a bit and glared at me, a strange emotion crossed his face, his eyes clouded over, and he landed a blow to my face just under my eye. This hit was different than the last few, behind it was something different, something had changed in my attacker. I felt a warmth trickling from his last striking point, his force had cut me, and I was bleeding. Seeing the blood did something to him, and his eyes became vacant, he delivered another hit, and another. He alternated his fists, connecting to my face and now to various parts of my body as well. He was striking my ribs and abdomen, with a force that was taking my breath with every blow. I brought my hands up, in a futile attempt to block him.
He groaned again and grabbed my wrists, forcing my arms above my head. He effectively pinned my upper body down. I had no room to move, no ability to fight any longer. He used his free hand to release himself from the constraints of his boxers and lined himself up to my body. In simultaneous movements, he punched me in the gut and forced his member into my unprepared and unwilling body. I was not slick, and my body was not accepting. He shifted, and thrust again into my dry center. I could feel the friction, the searing pain as my body fought to reject him.
"You WILL want me, Baby, you WILL take this, and like it," he grunted out as he forced his way in and out of my body. I shook my head, looking at him with disgust and hatred. How could he think, with a bruised and battered body and face, that this is wanted?
"Never, James," I yelled.
Another blow to my face, with consecutive actions of thrusting and hits to my upper body…he was being more forceful, with each hit and each thrust. I could feel ripping and throbbing between my legs, bruises on the insides of my thighs, my ribs and abdomen. My face was bloodied and I'm sure starting to swell. It felt as though he was going to beat me to within an inch of my life. He just kept his rhythm, alternating his hits with his thrusts.
Pain…excruciating pain radiated throughout my body. I still struggled against it as much as I could, but at this point it was futile. I had become a human punching bag. I felt every contraction of muscle, every bruise, every cut, every trickle of blood on me. His thrusts became impaling, forceful and deep. My insides could not accommodate his movements, resulting in more sensations of ripping and tearing deep in my core. Nausea hit me hard, and I began to dry heave, choking and spitting on my snot and tears. My eyes had swollen almost shut, and with my tears I could barely see my attacker, but I could feel him. I could feel everything, intense and beyond any pain I have ever experienced. His thrusting became erratic and more intense, he was growling and gripping me harder. With a final, forceful push he released, twitching and panting.
I forced my eyes open as he retreated. He was covered in blood, my blood. My body was limp and I couldn't move; the pain prevented it.
"Don't get too comfortable, Baby, THAT was just the beginning," he said in disgust as he walked out of the tiny room.
I typed until the early hours of the morning. I was still typing when I heard Charlie's alarm sound off. I was right in the middle of my main character, Sophie, stabbing the man who destroyed then dominated her life, for the sixteenth time.
"Hey, kiddo what are you doing up… or still up? Are you writing again?" He was hopeful and thoroughly surprised which instantly makes me feel horrible. I think I have been hiding how miserable I am, and then something like this happens. No one has fallen for my hoax. They have all seen right through all my smoke and mirrors, and known I'm not 'fine'. "Well, I guess your talk with Rosalie went alright then?" More hopefulness, jeez, what have I done to this poor man?
Charlie was nervous again. This was territory into emotions he never crossed into… even when the Seattle teams won. It was nice to know that he cared enough to go there for me though. "Yeah, we talked for a while." Yes, we were both tight lipped when it came to emotional things. I didn't want to go into any details. There were just some things fathers didn't- shouldn't need to know about their daughters.
"I'm thinking about beginning to talk to Edward again." I glanced nervously up at Charlie to gauge his reaction.
In a way that was so very unlike Charlie, yet completely understanding of a man and a husband who has lost something precious and just wants anything he can get, he spoke softly under his breath, maybe to no one in particular. "I'm sure he would love that very much."
Charlie did understand how Edward felt. He had lost his wife and daughter too. Maybe not in the same way that Edward did, but it was similar nonetheless. The loss of something they held dear created a deeper bond between the two men than I ever thought would ever form.
"Yeah, Rose said they had to practically physically restrain him so he wouldn't jump on the first plane to anywhere in Washington the moment they told him I left." Not that he was any better before I left, but that was something I had to deal with as a result of my actions.
Renee had raised me to be a better woman than herself. No wonder her calls to me had gotten less since I told her I basically kicked the love of my life out to the curb. I had been raised to never leave my husband the way she had. My mother had never told me she regretted her decision, and most days she probably didn't but there were some days I would catch her looking her at photo of her and Charlie. I knew those were the days she missed him. She missed the reasons that had originally brought them together.
No wonder she had nearly broke down crying when I told her what I had done. I had asked… no told Edward to leave. I had demanded he leave me alone when he had done nothing to warrant such a command. The days when I catch myself looking at an old photo of Edward and I are becoming more and more numerous lately.
I know what I should do- what I need to do, but it's getting there that is the hard part. Rose had mentioned before how it was Emmett who brought her out of the black pit of despair she had confined herself into after her… rape. The word still tasted foul on my tongue. She had encouraged me to let Edward do the same for me. I just haven't been able to… not yet, not so soon. But has it been 'so soon', a year doesn't seem so long in the grand scheme of things, but it has felt like an eternity as well. How can it feel so short and so long at the same time? Most days, I suppose, I'm just angry at myself.
"That definitely sounds like him. That boy has always been head over heels for you." I smiled at the thought. Dad knew Edward well. Man to man, they could understand each other. Even when I was in high school, when I could see he wanted nothing more than to pull out his shot gun to keep his little girl at home forever. Charlie always knew, before even I did, how Edward felt. That didn't stop him from giving Edward more grief than he prefers to remember anyway.
"It does sound exactly like Edward, which is why I am really considering talking to him again. He needs something other than silence from me or it won't be long before he is pounding on the door here." We were quiet for a few moments, both of us contemplating what to say next, and both coming up at a loss.
"How about I cook us up some breakfast before you head to work, and if you're really nice I'll even throw in lunch too." Nodding a few times Charlie took my hint that this conversation was over and headed down stairs while I saved all my hard work on my computer.
"I'm heading over to the Rez today for a little bit. I won't be gone too long. I should be home to start dinner before you get here." Another nod and perhaps a grunt, but that could have been mistaken for the floor board, he threw a wave over his shoulder and was on his way for work without another word.
The morning had been as tough on Dad as it had been for me. He was happy that I was finally on my way to being on the mend, but it was another reminder of how utterly screwed up I really was. I couldn't even talk to my own husband for Christ's sake!
I wandered around the house being reminded of old memories until I figured Jake would possibly be up. If there were two things he loved, it was food and sleep. Searching for my old truck keys, and finding them wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. Charlie must still fire it up every now and again to see if he can get the thing out of his drive way. I was drowned in the familiar rumble of the loud engine and was comforted in a way I had forgotten about as I drove down the familiar road toward La Push. I had driven this way so many countless times before I lost myself to my own thoughts, and didn't emerge from them until I cut the engine in the Black's driveway. Edward would surely have a fit if he ever knew I wasn't focused on the road.
"Hey, Bells! I can't believe you drove that ancient beast all the way over here." I scoffed at the insensitive way he talked about my old truck.
"What? You still drive that old Rabbit. My truck runs fine thank you very much."
Laughing and shaking his head like I was missing the big picture, I knew an education was coming. "This is my third generation Rabbit. Didn't you notice the-"
"No, Jake, I didn't notice the engine or any other motor thing that's different about your beloved car so don't even ask."
We both stood in a somewhat awkward silence staring at my old Chevy. "Well, I got up early this morning and made sure both bikes ran just fine. I must have done something right when I put them tog-"
"JAKE!" He started at my loud outburst. "You got up this morning… earlier than it is now? I can't believe this. You never even saw the AM hour while we were growing up. I thought for sure I would have to drag you out of bed this morning."
He chuckled at my expense for a few moments. "I found it helps when you actually sleep at night. For a long time all us guys on the reservation would take off at night and go run in the woods and other equally stupid stuff instead of sleep."
Now it was my turn to roll my eyes and laugh a bit. I knew exactly who would have instigated such a thing- Sam Uley. He has always been a really great guy, but at the same time he has always been into something. How his wife, Emily, manages to keep him somewhat under control is still a mystery. Their son is absolutely adorable though. I ran into them at the grocery store the other day. "Somehow, that totally sounds like something you and that whole pack of stupid boys would do."
I got a huge, very Jacob smile, as he lifted the bikes into the back of my old truck.
"Whatever little girl, are we going to take these bikes out or not?"
Sliding into the driver seat I called over my shoulder. "Waiting on you now, princess!" Men! I have no idea what Jake was still standing around the tailgate for.
On the way to our old motorcycle spot we had to drive past the cliffs. Somehow, they didn't appear to be as scary as the first time I saw Sam leap off them all those years ago. I guess a summer spent cliff jumping would do that to you. I was able to smile at the dangerous memories, now that Charlie wasn't going to have a heart attack. Alice and Rosalie convinced just about everyone that I was going to die one day out there with the guys. They never did get the fun in it.
Getting the bikes out and facing down that old stretch of road sent the butterflies in my stomach swarming just as they had the first day. At least that hadn't changed over the years. However, there was just something exhilarating about getting on my bike and revving the engine.
What I hadn't been expecting were other feelings to creep into my consciousness. My thoughts drifted back to the reason I brought the bikes over to Jacob's garage senior year. I realized then that my thoughts were in the same place now as they had been the first time I got onto this 'death machine'. Every single one of my thoughts was of a man halfway across the country-Edward.
Passing the bend in the road where I had cracked my head open, I felt the tears running down my face. Jake, of course, saw them too. "Hey! You alright over there? Get a bug in your eye or something? I should have brought your helmet… Bells! Talk to me woman!"
I smashed on the brakes, the same way that the first time had sent me flying. Hunching over the handle bars I let my tears flow freely as the sobs wracked over me. I knew now I couldn't do this alone. My soul had been trying to tell me for over a year and my mind was just now listening.
Looking down at the machine I was seated on, I was fed up with crying. I angrily wiped at my eyes to get the tears to go away. I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to run away anymore.
"I'm fine, Jake. I want to go again." I must have sounded crazed again after all these years. I am pretty sure those are near the same words I used when I had blood running down my face the first time we rode these things. I knew this because Jacob still wasn't having any of my driven spirit today. He got off his bike and stepped in front of mine.
"No, you're not. Look at yourself, you're crying. I don't know what is wrong, but this was supposed to be fun. We can do something else. Let's go down to the beach. Or you could pick another sport to try out. I could teach you how to throw a football." The poor guy was talking a million miles an hour probably scared to death at my reaction to something we used to love doing together.
"I can't… Jake…I…" In a way that Jacob always could, he got my meaning no matter what I said. I was ready to fight, but I couldn't do it here or with a pair of boxing gloves.
"I'll get the bikes." There wasn't anymore said. I hadn't expected anything either. I knew that he knew I was talking to Rose. She's let it slip the other day that she'd called him. He was going to wait for me to talk to the one who knew how to make sense of my mind. He knew how to be a great friend right now, and that's all I could ask of him. He didn't need to be burdened with my demons.
Leaving the bikes and Jacob out front of the Black's house, I sped off down the road. I needed time to think and clear my head. I hadn't prepared myself for the onslaught of feelings that swept over me out there today. Taking the bikes out today was supposed to have been fun. I most certainly hadn't expected thoughts of Edward to come on so hard and fast.
Letting myself into the quiet house, I let myself think back to some of the many things Rosalie has said to me, only then realizing then that she had seen right all along. Even if I didn't think I was ready, my mind knew what I needed. Absentmindedly walking up the stairs I stood staring out my bedroom window clutching my phone. Steeling myself for what I was about to, yet what was very long overdue, I hit my speed dial one.
"What is it now, Rosalie? I got everything on your list from the store. If you tell me you fucking forgot something…" Well I didn't have to be psychologist to see he was a lot frustrated and maybe a bit tired. Nevertheless, I couldn't help but smile into the phone. Rose had put the man to work- FINALLY.
"Rose?" Yes, it was very much like a distracted Edward to not pay attention to such a simple invention as caller ID. It made me wonder what had been occupying his thoughts so completely before I called.
"Hello, Edward." There was a silence that last far too long on the other end of the phone. With it doubts started bombarding into my mind as to my sudden decision to phone him in the middle of a workday. Perhaps he didn't really want to talk to me. Maybe everyone just said he did, for me to feel better or something. What if-
"Bella? Oh, God Bella! I've missed you so much." He sounded like a man finally coming across an oasis in a desert. "Our last conversation wasn't nearly long enough. Are you coming home? How is Charlie? Have you been to visit my parents? Rose told me you two had discussed us talking again, but I hadn't expected it to be so soon. I glad you called though; it's so good to hear your voice. If I have to run one more errand for Rose, I swear I will move in with Alice and Jasper. It's like, honey, she is far worse than you ever were, even during your most bizarre cravings. I think I have been to every place of business in the entire Chicago area! She'll pro-uh… honey, are you still there?"
Well, he finally lets me get a word in edgewise. "Yes, I'm still here." I calm his nerves in between light chuckles. "You tend to get carried away when you're excited about something. However, if you want my opinion you are better off staying with Em and Rose. Alice would have you moving mannequins or something at her boutique."
We both got a short laugh at the vision we could see clearly. We love the pixie to death, but she was Alice after all. "Yeah, I figured as much. So…"
That was all it took for us to come up with enough conversation to last us a long while. It was nearly a reminder to me how our lives used to be like before… everything. Even after everything he was still the man I will love no matter what. The thought was comforting amongst all the uncertainty that has been clouding me so much lately.
Talking to Edward brought back a rightful balance that I had shunned for so long, that I hadn't noticed its absence. My world couldn't right itself with one phone call, but it got me going in the right direction.
"What do you think of me coming out to visit you? I-well, I miss you, and of course I'd stay at our house or with my parents. Is that something you would consider? It doesn't have to be tomorrow, but just- uh, so you- well…"
I had been preparing myself for a phone call since I got home not for him to actually come here. I wasn't ready for that step just yet. "Edward, I… not yet- I just can't…yet. I'm so sorry; I love you so much, but I need more time."
I had said those same words to him so many times before. With each touch I shied away from. With each embrace I fled from. With each kiss I denied him. I was glad this time I didn't have to see the disappointment I knew would be written across his face.
"It's alright; you'll know when you're ready. Rose told me not to ask so soon, but you know me I just… had to. I'm sorry. Just know that when you are ready that I will be here."
It was late enough that Charlie had just pulled up from work. I didn't want to say goodbye yet, but I knew now I could call back. "I have to make dinner for Charlie. I promise to call back again. I…I love you, Edward, always know that."
"As I love you." I thought he was about to hang up until he yelled for me to hang on. "Rose wanted you to call her. She wanted to continue your conversation while everything was still fresh or something." He took a deep breath and I could see his free hand tugging and racking through his hair. "Damn sister-in-law psychologist wouldn't tell me a damn thing... talk to you later, honey- goodnight, sweetie."
I smiled to myself all the way through making and eating dinner. Edward would always be Edward. I knew he wanted to know everything, but the thing was no one could know everything. No matter how frustrated he got that he couldn't fix me, I had to, above all else, keep him and the ones we loved alive. If that meant he couldn't know this one aspect of my life, then so be it. I couldn't lose him too.
Charlie was quiet, hardly saying a word. No doubt Jake had talked to him about our afternoon with the bikes. I didn't want him to worry about something he didn't have to.
"I talked to Edward today." He lit up like there was no better news he could have heard. "Yeah, we talked for a while. I hadn't realized just how much I had missed him until I couldn't seem to say goodbye."
He gave me his fatherly smile. He saved it for special occasions only. In the photo from when I was born, when I learned how to ride a bike, when I moved back in with him, when I graduated, got married, and now. This time just didn't fit… apparently it was more of that man to man understanding him and Edward shared. "He said Rosalie wanted to talk to me again."
His state of happiness faltered for a second. I know he heard me crying last night. I'd be surprised if the neighbors didn't hear me crying last night. He didn't comment on it if he did, for which I was glad.
"I'm sure he loved that, Bells." With that he dropped a kiss to the top of my head, and parked himself onto his recliner. With his attention turned to Sports Center, I once again shut myself into my room to see who I would be talking to this evening. Dr. Rosalie Cullen my psychologist or Rose my best friend.
"Rose, Edward said you wanted me to call. Well, here I am girl."
"Yeah, I wa- You talked to Edward? You called Edward? When?" I think she was just as excited as my dad was. Maybe it wasn't just a man thing.
"Yes, I talked to him. I called him this afternoon."
"No shit." She sounded amazed. Obviously wondering what could have possibly possessed me to finally listen to her after all this time. As if she was clairvoyant, I should have known what her next question would be.
"So what brought this on?"
Thinking back on my time with Jacob I couldn't help but think how it should have been fun. If I would have been listening to her all along it would have been. No, instead I have to do things my own way, and have a crying breakdown and ruin the entire day.
"I realized something today, when Jake and I went out for a ride on the old bikes. I felt so alone and desperate for Edward, like I had all those years ago. Honestly, I ruined the entire day for both of us."
"Honey, you did not ruin the entire day! I can't tell you how proud I am for you finally calling the poor man. HE has been pacing around here like a caged lion since you left. I liked it better when he was moping on the couch out of my sight. I gave up and put him to work. He's cooking right now. I don't think he's too happy about it, but hell I've been feeding his lazy ass for weeks now!"
Rose had us in giggles in no time. It was a nice reprieve from the doctor who was never that far away. "So… I know you must have promised you'd call again. He's had an extra bounce in his step, and a smile that makes me want to hit him, if only I wasn't so damn happy for you two. But, did you set up a time to call him? You know how he is he's going to be camped out next to his phone waiting for your call."
She had a point, we both knew Edward all too well. "No, I didn't. I just… I don't even know! I miss him, and I want to talk to him, but I feel so lost still. I may have started my long journey to being on the mend, but I still am harboring the same feelings of worthlessness I was when I left. Everyone wants me better, but I can't help but feel that I just never will be able to be. Underneath everything, I'm still scared."
I knew I personally helped her into her lab coat that time. "Bells, I know you feel lost. Trust me, so did I. I holed myself up, and closed myself off. Darlin', let me tell you to be glad you have a Cullen man to help you. If they are anything, they are stubborn and tenacious an-and loving and wanting to help you. If it hadn't have been for Emmett banging down my door and dragging me out of my own head, I honestly don't know where I would be today. You are doing the right thing by talking to Edward. Now, you have to let us help you. We're here for you, all of us."
It was nice to hear that from her. We all knew how big of a role Em played in her healing process, and she was absolutely right about the Cullen men being…well, everything she said. Though, I am pretty sure it's not limited to just the Cullen men.
"Bella… I'm sure Edward told you I wanted to continue our conversation from last night. There are a few questions I wanted to ask. I would like to attempt to bring more memories to the surface. It's going to be difficult, I'm sure, but it's crucial. Are you okay with that?"
"Yeah, of course, I-I just… it felt good to tell someone. I trust you Rose, but please don't tell Edward. I know he will pester you, but please just don't. I am broken enough to him as it is. I don't want more added to that."
She drew in a long breath. We'd battled over how Edward and everyone else view me. I'm hoping she'll save that argument for another time.
"I have told you before I fully intend to respect doctor patient confidentiality." She paused, waiting for a rebuttal or some jab from me, but tonight she wouldn't get one. "Okay, last night we talked about your actual rape. Tonight I wanted to talk about afterwards. You were unconscious for the most part when you were found, but do you remember anything? Anything at all about what happened. I know this is going to be hard for you… but do you remember anything of what happened to Nick and Nattie? Take your time, hon."
As if my… incident was hard enough to talk about she wanted me to talk about the murders of my children. Taking in a shaky breath I tried to recall the fuzzy memories.
"I don't know. James left the room the first time he was done, threatening me about more to come. I don't know how many times he raped me, they all seem like they run together. The pain was so intense my body was trying to cope by shutting down. I couldn't feel anything, but the pain deep between my legs. On one of his 'visits' to me, he mentioned that the twins were sleeping but would most likely be up soon to eat. He seemed aware of them and somewhat conscious of their well being, I didn't think at the time he would hurt them, I thought he was only after me. I heard cries at some point. James brought them to me for me to feed them; I have vague recollection of him placing them on my breasts. I know he had to have been tending to them, changing them, almost caring for them, for the whole ordeal to have gone on as long as it did. I'm not completely sure about the time frames, but I know there were numerous 'visits' from him, so I know it must have been a good chunk of time. Then I remember the cries getting louder and more insistent from them, and James cursing about it."
Oh, what I wouldn't give to hear those beautiful cries just one more time. I was sobbing into the phone again; it was a wonder Rose could even understand a word of what I was saying. Tonight, I tried to calm myself down since I didn't want to worry Charlie anymore than he already is. Nothing was working though. As I was telling all that I remembered, it was as if I was reliving it again. I could see that little cottage, and feel the mattress beneath me. I could see his cobalt eyes staring back at me.
"You're doing great, Bells. What did he do after the twins began crying more? Did he try and do anything? There is no rush on this, if you are ready to quit, you just say so, alright? You take this as slow as you need."
I couldn't stop now. She'd just ask me again tomorrow if I didn't get this over with now.
"He was irritated about that. He started screaming at me to make them stop, but I couldn't even move. I could barely understand what he was saying. I heard more screaming farther away, I think, before I don't remember anymore." I took a small breather before I delved into any more of my nightmare.
"And then that's when I woke up in the basement of the cottage. Where they found me…"
I could hear it her voice as she asked her question, she was afraid to know the answer. "What exactly happened in the basement?"
"He murdered my children in front of me!" I practically shouted into the phone. I wasn't mad or angry not at the moment. No, I was scared. I could still feel the dampness around me, and I could still smell the staleness of the air.
"James was there, he had my babies, he had them! I thought there was another person's voice I didn't recognize, but I don't know where it was coming from. I could have been imagining it. I was hoping so hard for anyone to come and save us I wouldn't be surprised if I did."
"You're saying that there could have been another person in that room with you and involved in this? Do you think you'd be able to recognize the voice if you heard it again?"
Sighing loudly, I'd asked myself that many times. "Rose, I don't know. I don't even know if there really was someone else there. I was probably hallucinating or something. I heard it, but I couldn't focus on it. I was trying to zero in on what James was doing. He was further away than what my eyes could focus on; all I could see was blurry and distorted images through my swollen eyes. I think he was near them from the sounds, his grumbling and cursing and their cries. I could hear Nick and Nattie one second, but then everything just went silent the next. I remember his fuzzy form and the two of them, and then there was blood, there was blood everywhere… so much blood." My voice wasn't much above a whisper.
"I don't remember much, it's mostly just flashes- images really… or feelings. The next thing I remember is being pulled and carried out. Even that was still foggy to me."
I couldn't continue, I was spent, it was too hard. Rose knew.
"You did wonderful, Bella. I know dredging that up out of your memory was very difficult and emotionally straining. I won't ask you anymore tonight. It's late you should get some rest."
"Yeah, you too, Rose. Thanks for listening."
"Hey, that's what I'm here for. You do something fun tomorrow. Go get an ice cream shake from the diner. You got that? Doctor's order; you have fun tomorrow."
"I think I can handle that."
"Good night girl!"
"Bye Rose, talk to you later."
Setting my phone aside I curled up in my bed with tissues to wipe away my lingering tears. Tonight wouldn't bring a peaceful sleep or pleasant dreams. No, this night would be filled with infant cries and steel blue eyes.
A/N (Jessi): Wow. This chapter took its toll. Danna put so much into this chapter that she'll you about in her A/N, but she did an amazing job. I know I can't thank her enough. Her and of course our amazingly awesome Beta, Songster; she keeps our writing as close to perfection as it could be. They are both fantastic. I hope you were able to get through this tough chapter, it was definitely a must for this story. More is definitely on its way, picking up on some little bread crumbs we dropped in this chapter.
A/N (danna0724): Okay… as mentioned above, it was emotionally draining to tackle the rape scene… you needed to know though to fully appreciate the entirety of the story. Trust… it all comes together after some sharp turns, twists, climbs, dips and other various movements you will go thru on a rollercoaster. I thank Jessi for constantly supporting me and feeding my writing the way she does… she's an amazing person, and if you haven't fav'd her, you should… right now… go ahead, I'll wait… AND a very big GRACIAS to Songster and her amazing ability to understand what we write, add some stuff here and there, and make it to where you, the reader can understand, SHE's FABU!
Okay… We know… cliffy's left and right… it's gonna be a factor in every chapter, just like there will always be a FB (flash back) and RT (real time) portion to each chapter, it's part of my anal outline… so sue me ;o) SO NO LYNCHING US! It will be appreciated in the grand scheme of things!
And finally… b/c I have a deep and passionate and very inappropriate love for them… hit that review button below and give us your thoughts! We really read and love each of them, and want to know what you are thinking as you read this… so please, show me some lovin' and just leave a little somethin'…somethin'~~~~Toodles love, danna0724