DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns everything; WE just have an overly active imaginations.
ATTENTION: This story's theme is rape.
A/N (Jessi): Ha! Me being on top of shit… sorry the ref to this is in D's note. Anyways. Yes, here in 13 as promised. I hope you like. Back in Bella's shoes for a few!
A/N#2 (danna0724):As promised (so I could save my kids and shit) here is 13… you can all thank Jessi for this, b/c she's on top of shit and stuff! A little PSA at the bottom a/n…
As per the usual: IF you are NOT 18 years old, do NOT read TS, as it is rated M for a reason. There are some very disturbing and graphic scenarios in this story. ALSO, while SM owns the character names, Jessi and I own the plot/storyline/idea/etc. behind TS. Don't be a 'ganker', or I'll send Aro after your arse!
Tortured Soul: Chapter 13
Bella's POV
My entire body hurt, but the aches between my legs made everything else seem like a walk in the park. I didn't even want to think about what all the damage could possibly be down there. I couldn't move an inch to see anything, but it felt like I had been ripped in two, right down the middle.
I could hear a voice coming from somewhere nearby. It was only half of the conversation, so I figured James had to be on the phone.
"You want me to do what?... What? I could kill her!... No, it's off the main road about two miles… one injection into the vein?... Okay, and the twins need supplies…All right, I'll be waiting… Yes, I'll prepare the injection now. She'll be totally out by the time you get here."
His conversation frightened me. I wanted to know what could kill me, what kind of injection he was making for me, what supplies he needed for my babies, and who the hell was he talking to! His familiar footfalls came,sounding down the hallway.
"You're awake. I'm afraid that is most unfortunate, Baby."
That's the last thing I remember before everything went black.
"Ugh,James! How manycc's did you give her? I said one dose, not…what, three? This is some fiasco you are asking me to clean up, if I didn't have a personal interest vested in this…"
It sounded like a man's voice. I didn't know if anything was real or not.
"I know, I know… it wasn't supposed to happen like this.I just got so out of control. I thought she wanted me, she wassupposedto want it, and now its way beyond what I am capable of undoing."
I would know James' voice anywhere. What was troubling to me was that he sounded scared, whoever he was talking to had more authority than him. I didn't want to think about a man whom James could be afraid of.
"Fine…but this clean up, preventative maintenance and permanent monitoring is going to cost you. I think I just may know the only price I am willing to accept,I want him stripped of everything!"
What was he talking about? Permanent monitoring?Who stripped of everything?What did that mean? Oh, I hated not being able to focus on anything. I couldn't even open my damn eyes!
"And to think you wanted to be a part of our organization,"he actually scoffed at James. Somehow I got the picture that James was little more than a pebble in this man's shoe. The monster in my life is just an annoyance to this man, whoever he is,andthat was a terrifying thought in itself. The voice was retreating, and becoming softer.
"She seems a bit more lucid. Should I drug her again?" No, no! I needed them to say somethingabout my babies. I need to know they are alright. I couldn't go to sleep again! I could tell I was no longer in the bedroom;somehow the smell of the air wasn't the same. I couldn't pinpoint anything,though my mind was still too much in a fog.
"Yes, she can't have clear memories of this. It's critical for everything for this to be uncertain in her mind."
Their conversation was cut short when there was a pinch on my arm followed by a door clicking shut, and once again everything went black.
"How is this going to work…the twins… are you sure you can pull this off?"
I was still in the same place I was before, the place different from the bedroom. The damp musty smell I was willing to guess belonged to a basement. My ears perked up at the mention of my twins. They could still be alright, they were still talking about them. However, I couldn't move still. I couldn't even open my eyes, though I figured they would simply drug me again if I did. All I could do was listen, and try to feel anything I could.
"Don't question me again,James.I am the one who is saving your sorry ass, and this is the price for your own stupidity.You ask me to come in here and clean up, after the fact, and you question my methods? Now shut up,and do as you're told." Yes, the authoritative voice was back, and he sounded far more pissed than he was the last time I was coherent. "NOW,James!"
At the loud outburst Nick and Nattie began crying. My babies! They were here, down here with me. Yet, that wasn't at all as comforting just knowing they were still alive. They were the ones I cared about. It didn't matter what happened to me, not as long as they were okay.
"Give her another dose!" There was some shuffling, but I couldn't tell what was going on. I was going to be put under again, and my twins were still crying.
"There, there,my darlings. Everything is alright, no need to cry. I know James is scary, but you're safe now, my sweets."
His voice altered to something equivalent to foul honey. I wanted to slap him for even looking at my children, but once again with the tiniest prick everything went away.
"Isabella, wake up!" It wasn't James' voice that I had expected; it was the other voice, the voice with authority, the one that sounded like foul honey would taste. I felt hands on my face and a breath waft over my face that made me flinch away his close proximity. I was so afraid of what he wanted from me, of what he woulddoto me. Was he going to use me as James had? The mere thought sent shivers down my spine and made me sick to my stomach. "Trust me you are going to want to see this. Open those lovely eyes of yours."
I tried to do as he asked.I wanted see my babies, but whatever they had been giving me was still in my system. I forced my eyes open, and at last as he shifted me to sit up. I couldn't focus on anything it was all so fuzzy and hazy. The dim light that covered the small space made me nauseous. I couldn't hone in on anything;my vision was tunneling and rotating, all blurred with shapes blending together.
The voice was still there whispering in my ear. "Such a good girl, Isabella. Now, look over there." A long slender hand pointed across the room. My eyes threatened to roll back in my head, but the prospect of seeing my children made me keep the open.
James was perched on the floor, with one of my babies in each of his long arms. I lunged with all my strength to go them. I had to rip them from thatmonster'sgrip. But between my drugged state and physical injuries, I didn't get far.
"No, no,Isabella. Not yet, my dear. How much do you love your children? Hmm…"
His question puzzled me. Why couldn't I hold my children? Why was he asking me how much I loved them?
"More than anything," I responded automatically, and my dry throat protested.
"Yes, as any mother should. However, I must ask another question of you, my Isabella. Do you love them more than your husband? Answer well, my dear."
This question confused me more than his last had. What did he mean 'answer well'? My clouded mind wouldn't make sense of anything. My sole vision was tuned into James gently cooing at my children in his lap.
"I love them all… so much."
"I see. Well, I'm afraid that is not a satisfying answer. You will just have tochoose, Isabella."
What did he mean Ichoose? Whodid I choose between? My husband and our children, how could he ask such a thing?
"Isabella… when we are through here, you will go back, and you will say nothing of what happened here. You got lost on your way home. You stopped to ask for help, and a man raped you killed your children. A man, Isabella.You will not identify anyone. Do I make myself clear? Do that and nothing else will happen."
I didn't understand. What was he saying? I had to say someone murdered my children? But, they aren't dead! I see them! (kind of) They are sitting right there! What does this have anything to do with me choosing between anyone? All I wanted was my children so we could leave. That's all I wanted, all I needed.
"I don't understand." I hated the feeling of not being in control of anything… not even my own brain, it seemed. I was an educated woman;certainly understanding another human being should be simple.But not with whatever cocktail they had been injecting me with for who knows how long. "You… you have to pay for what you have done."
"Isabella, you disappoint me. You see,that is where you are wrong.Youwill pay for whatyouhave done." He was looking at me with sorrow. If I had the strength,I would claw that look of pity right off his pale face.
"I haven't done anything wrong!" It was hard to speak with conviction when your throat burned with the fire of dryness. "When I get out of here, I will tell every single soul what you and that sick bastard, James, have done to me. Anyone who will listen to me will know what monsters you are! You can't do this to someone, and then expect no repercussions in return. My husband will make sure you both rot behind bars for the rest of your life."
If I had felt the prick of another needle in my arm, I would have thought they injected me again for how tired I suddenly felt.My little tirade took the last of the energy I had mustered. They had to know what was going to happen to them. Edward was looking for me, and when we found me he was going to make them pay for what they have done to me.
"That's where you are wrong, my pet. I told you to cooperate, and you chose to defy me with your words. How can I now be certain that when I set you free,because I must set you free,you won't defy me just how you said?" Hmph! That's exactly when I am going to do. I will get my son and my daughter out of that man's arms and get the hell out of here. If only I didn't feel the effects of sheer exhaustion creeping in. My vision was dimmer than is had been even a minute ago.
"Isabella, Isabella,I really didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice.I would say this isn't personal, but it is…certain lessons MUST be learned the hard way!" What was he talking about? What was he going to do to me? "They really are beautiful children. Such a perfect mix of Edward and yourself, don't you think?"
No, no, no! They could do anything to me, but they couldn't harm my children! It would kill Edward if something happened to them.
"James… be rid of them." Tears pooled in my tired eyes, blurring my vision further. Yet, nothing could have masked the delighted smirk that came across that monster's face.
"How many doses should do the task, sir?"
"Oh, now we don't want to be wasteful. They are such little things. We want to make sure to save some for their mother, for during our departure. Give them each a double dose. They will never wake up from this nap time."
The man that had been holding me upright now leaned down and whispered in my ear. "Know this, Isabella.YOU murdered your son, and YOU murdered your daughter.It is because of YOU that their lives will end tonight. They are going to die right now because you couldn't keep your mouth shut. If you disobey those orders again, you will lose another loved one, starting with your precious Edward, moving on through anyone you care about, until you learn your lesson. I do hope for your husband's sake, and of the rest of your family and friends, that the lives of your children are enough… I would hate to have to continue to spill more innocent blood just to keep you quiet."
I saw him place the syringe at my arm where numerous other needle holes already littered my flesh, but he didn't insert it just yet.
"I want you to watch, my dear. I want you to watch the life leave the bodies of the ones you gave life to. I want you to watch, as I take what you gave away so recklessly with your unwillingness to cooperate."
It happened so fast;in blurred vision, I saw James lean over Nick with a syringe, a blood curdling scream came from my tiny son, and seconds passed, then nothing…just quiet. He repeated the process to Nattie, same menacing glare, same heart wrenching scream came from my baby girl, and then silence. My Nick and Nattie were taken from me. I heard their final cries, their final screams, and as a mother I couldn't do anything to help them, to stop this atrocity from happening, in fact I hadcausedit. It was because of me they were now lifeless in that monster's arms.
"I was exceedingly civil to your children. Quite nice actually, they went peacefully. Just a small prick of a needle and they go to sleep for good, anyone else you force my hand on, will not be so lucky. I will torture them, make them wish for death long before I deliver it, and they will know that it was your all doing, my dear Isabella."
With those parting words and another pinch to my arm, the world went black again.
"Faster on your feet; come on, move your feet. Don't think you're going to fall; know you're not. Faster, Bells, you've done this; you can do this." I was tired and out of breath, and quickly getting more and more pissed at Jacob's sparkling attitude. "It's not even time for lunch yet. We got to work on your muscle tone, strength and endurance."
I rolled my eyes; this was so ridiculous. This was part of Rosalie's 'Fix Bella Plan' that Jake had run out of control with, literally. Between the mental exhaustion during my talks with Rose, and then my physical exhaustion with Jake I had been so beat I had wanted nothing more than to sleep every other moment.
"So what? So I can have abs like you? I don't think so, champ. Come on, I'm tired! I don't give a rat's ass whether or not working out helped Rose get somewhat normal again."
Just when I thought a scowl was the only thing I was going to get from him, this huge billion watt smile lights up him face. "Now there is the Bella I grew up with! I knew she was under there somewhere. I knew that mouth of yours hadn't been cleaned out completely."
Well, that's what a work out session with him would do. Since I have been home I have had enough boxing, kick boxing, and weight training, and every other kind of sport imaginable than I could ever need.
"Okay fine, one more punch, and I'll be so nice as to take you to lunch." Oh, thank the Lord he was conceding.
Smirking, I tapped him across his shoulder with my gloved hand, and started heading back toward his garage tossing, "Okay, let's go," over my shoulder.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. That was not a punch worthy of lunch. Bella, I wanted you to you hit me with all you got." I just stood there. I was done with this horse shit for the day. I wanted to go back home and curl up reading a book or maybe even write some of my own. I wanted to shower, and clean off this sweat. "Come on, your muscles have grown since I first started working with you, I know you can do it."
I still wasn't convinced. He could talk all he wanted, but I wasn't going to do anything, but stand there and look at him because I sure as hell could. However, I should have been expecting the look of determination cover his face. I knew I was in for it. He'd just toss me over his shoulder, or I don't know, he'd probably hold me over the pond or something until I gave in.
"Bella, I want you to hit me. I want you to picture that bastard that hurt you and punch the living shit out of him."
The wind all was expelled from my lungs. I couldn't breathe. I just stood there staring at him wide eyed. I couldn't believe what he just said. What he had just asked me to do. I wanted to forget that ever happened! I didn't want to relive it just to appease him. I had a feeling that he was deviating from Rose's instructions.
"I'm not waiting until dinner, woman. Now picture that son of a bitch, and hit me! He hurt you, Bella, now hit him back!"
NO! I didn't want to see his face again. I didn't want to see those cold blue eyes looking at me. I couldn't go back to that night, but Jacob's words tipped the scale. Looking back up, it wasn't big brown eyes that I saw and russet skin. No, it was steel blue eyes, and pale white that I saw.
I felt rather than heard the scream that came unbidden from me. The force of the punch I threw should have sent pain shooting through my arm. It should have, but it didn't. I was lost to my own memories. I wasn't in Forks, Washington anymore. I was deep in the forests of northern Michigan.
My only thoughts were to hit him. I had to make him bleed. I wanted to see the blood run across his skin as he had done to me. I couldn't have stopped myself if I wanted to. My fists just kept flying again, and again.
"Bella! Bells, stop! Come back! Oh, God I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Come back! I'm here, you're safe, it's okay." I heard Jacob, but I still couldn't see him. It wasn't Jacob's loving embrace that I found myself enveloped in. "Bella, I don't know what to do. Oh, God I'm sorry. Shit, I'm not Rosalie. Bella!"
Strong arms were still wrapped around me as he stroked my hair, and softly whispered that I was alright- that I was safe. I had a hard time bring my mind back into realization of what was real. He sounded so pained, so scared. I had never heard him this way before. Jacob of all people was strong. He was one who could fight through anything.
"Jake?" He sighed this huge welcome sigh of relief.
"Oh, thank God! You scared the hell out of me!" Shifting around me hugged me tight. I felt safe again in his arms, the way he always could make me feel like nothing would ever happen to me as long as I stayed right there. Of course, it was only Jake that could make me laugh after just having whatever kind of episode I just had. "Jeez, you can throw a punch woman! I have done an exceptional job if I do say so myself."
Once he deemed that it was safe for him to let me go, and that I wouldn't try and swing at him, I got that lunch that started this whole thing.
We had a great time at the diner just like we had so many times growing up. We laughed, threw a couple of French fries at each other, and he snuck a few rather large sips of my milkshake.
When he looked bug-eyed down at his watch, I was disappointed he had another date with Leah to get ready for. Sharing my best friend wasn't something I realized I was very fond of doing.
"Oh, do NOT give me those puppy eyes! You know I can't say no to the eyes! If you keep that up I will be sitting between you and Leah at the movie theater tonight. Let me tell you she will tan your hide something awful if that happens."
From what I knew of Leah Clearwater, he was telling every ounce of the truth. That wasn't what surprised me though. "You already moved into the non-talking, but going to see a movie which means physical stage of your relationship?" I'm one hundred percent positive that was not the response he was expecting when he brought up their date. Of course, I think I am equally positive that he was just as much embarrassed that I called him out on it.
"Well.. umm.. yeah, I guess we did." He had this look that went from terrified to sort of proud. I found it cute, but still I had to face the music. Jake had grown up. I think my inner self was wiping a tear from her eye.
I let him sweat it out for a few moments while he fidgeted in his seat and scratched at his hair nervously. "Oh, you go do what you got to do to make that girl yours. Go on, shoo. I have a few phone calls to make anyways. You know those weekly calls to my parole doctor."
The smile on his lips didn't reach to mask the worry in his eyes. "As long as you're sure… it's still early. We could still find something to do; it's up to you."
"No, no, you go get ready. Go do whatever you have to. I think it's about time I called Edward again. Rose was probably right; he's been pacing in front of the phone waiting for me to call since the last time."
"Hey, you married the man." We both laughed even if I felt the unintentional jab in his words. Yes, I had married him. He loved me, and I was still failing him. I couldn't let that happen anymore.
Saying good bye, I hopped back in my truck, and was just about to fire up the engine when my cell phone went off…with Edward's ring tone. The beautiful melodies of classical piano were not what I wanted to hear just yet. I wasn't ready.
"Hello…" I knew I sounded tentative even to my own ears. More like a child than anything.
"Hey, Honey! I wanted to call, and see how you were doing. Have things been going okay in Forks? Your Dad told me you were spending a lot of time out on the reservation. Yo-"
"Edward! I'm not going to hang up, okay. You don't need to say everything in one breath…all right? Slow down. I'm doing fine. Things have been going good here. Yes, I have been spending time with Jacob at the Rez. How have you been?" He could make me smile by just being himself.
We talked for a few minutes, nothing really important just trivial everyday things. It was nice to be able to just talk to someone.
"Edward? Hey, I couldn't get you to shut up, and now you're being so quiet. What's the matter?" He sounded like he was about to answer before there was some shuffling on the other end of the line. "Uhhh… honey?"
There were whispers that I was certain belonged to a certain Psychologist.
"Do it, Cullen! You have to do this. She has to face this at some point! It will be easier for her if you're not there! Edward!" Her voice was muffled like he had his hand over the receiver.
"Shut the hell up! I can't push her like that! I couldn't bear hearing her go through that without me! She's finally getting better. I can't…"
"Don't argue with me. She's come a long ways since she left. She's strong enough; this is her next step. She has to face this with you. This is between the two of you!"
I wondered if she knew I was the one he was talking to. I could hear everything they were saying. I just didn't know what in the world they could be fighting about. If Edward's reaction was any indication, though, I didn't want to know.
"Fine! Just leave me alone while I do this." What? This was weird. "Go make Emmett food or something."
"I'll find out if you don't, and you just continue talking about the weather. Asking her what she is going to make for dinner is not going to help her. She needs to face this demon."
"I said I'd do it! Now just get out, and leave me the fuck alone while I talk to my wife!"
I wanted to know what had Edward all fired up, and what the big deal was. If I wasn't so scared, I'd be pissed.
"Edward! Answer me damn it or so help me God!" Okay, so maybe I was a little pissed.
"I'm sorry about that. Rose wants me to ask you to do something." This wasn't going to be pretty. I willing to bet it's not to overnight her a milkshake from the diner.
"Well, what is it?" I was already so nervous since Edward obviously didn't want to tell me, but it would bother him until he just came out with it. "Honey, it can't be that bad, out with it already." I was beginning to think he wasn't going to tell me. Minutes passed, and I was just about expecting him to ask if it was raining or not, when he finally spoke up.
"Where are you? At home, the reservation?" Well, I hadn't been expecting that.
"Uh, no, I'm sitting in the diner's parking lot… Why?"
"Can you drive over to our house for me?"
"What? Why? Esme goes over there to check on it, Charlie told me." I didn't understand why he would want me to go there so we could talk.
"Just trust me. I'll stay on the line with you."
The picture was getting a bit clearer the more I thought about it while driving down the overly green road out of town. 'For him' my ass! This had everything to do with what he and Rose were arguing over. I just hope I wouldn't end up a pile of tears and snot just pulling up to the house.
On the way there, he did in fact ask me if it was raining- he was nervous too. That's all that meant, he didn't know what to talk about to get our minds off what he was going to ask me to do.
"Okay, I'm here; now what? Do you want me to water the flowers?" He heard the sarcasm, and I knew it.
"Bella." It was a warning. He wanted me to be serious about whatever I had come here to do. That only fueled my apprehension.
"Okay… then what?" At this point I did not want to know. Since this was from Rosalie the chances that I would end up crying my eyes out were very high.
I heard a shuffling on the other side of the door. "Edward, someone's here…"
"I know Bella, I couldn't physically be there with you right now, so my mom is there, just in case. She said SHE needed to water the flowers." There was a hint of sarcasm at his comment that retorted what I had said just a moment ago.
"You're not going to like it. I need you to go inside. I know you can, I am right here with you, and my mom is there ONLY if needed, just try to ignore her presence."
"I can't do that! Th-that's the last place where they…"
"I know, I know. Rose thinks you're ready. We've trusted her thus far; we should trust her with this too. You're a strong woman, and I know you can do this. I'm right here if you need me."
Tears had already started to form in my eyes. "You should be here, like actually here, HERE!" I had known not a half hour earlier I was not ready to even see him over web cam or anything, and now I wanted him here in the flesh. Right now there was nothing I wanted more than to have his arms around me, and his shoulder to muffle my cries. I didn't know if I could honestly do it alone like this.
"I want to be with you so much, but Rose says this NEEDS to be done and the time is right. I know this is hard; I'm right here. If it helps, know I am already crying." Somehow that did help, just knowing this was just as wearing on him. Edward wasn't one to cry. It was a lot for him to admit that, when I couldn't even see him. "Push the door open, love."
Closing my eyes, I did the one thing that I knew would crush me. Till now I have been avoiding everything. Nothing tangible had survived Edward's remodel up to this point that reminded me of our twins. This was the last place that remained untouched from our prior life. I didn't know for sure if I was strong enough to face these particular demons head on.
"Are you inside?" I could hear the tremor in his voice now. That slight little waver let me know what we were going through now had cracked his calm and collected façade he had been wearing since I was carried out of that cottage.
"Yes." Looking around it wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. Esme had taken great care in picking up everything from our last stay. It looked like a model home; everything was perfect. I tried not to dwell to long on the family photos sitting and hanging everywhere. The woman in those pictures didn't even look like me. She was a woman so full of life, and happiness. I hardly recognized her smiling face.
I spent a few minutes walking around downstairs, and heard Esme in the kitchen running water; I guess she really was just here to be in the background, because she hasn't come out to greet me yet. Edward spoke again into the phone. "I need you to go upstairs."
I had known this was coming, but I wasn't sure if I could do it. Their room was up there. I didn't know if I could face the nursery that still remained untouched from our previous stay.
"I know this is going to be the hardest part, but I need you to go in. Take all the time you need. Look around in the others rooms if you have to. I'm right here if you need me."
Stalling as long as I could, I first went into the library that also served as Edward's office when we were here. It was neutral ground; nothing in there was anything out of the ordinary. Everything was neatly put away and freshly dusted. Next to the library I braved the master bedroom. I was immediately assaulted with the three large framed pictures that hung above the crisply made bed. The first was of the two of us on our wedding day. The second was taken when I was about eight and a half months pregnant. The last was one of the four of us, probably one of the last family photos that had been taken.
A fresh sob broke the silence of the abandon room. "Honey, where are you? Are you alright?" There was so much panic in his voice. I hadn't even made it into the nursery and I was already breaking down. How could Rose be so confident that I would be able to do this?
"Yes…I-I'm in our room."
"The pictures…" He already knew. We had so many around the house. I had forgotten about the pictures. Every one of them in our home in Chicago had been taken down before I got home. I had become accustomed to bare walls, and empty table tops. "Memories are okay to have, honey. Pictures help us remember even if we don't really want to." His voice was quiet not much above a whisper. Alice had told me he carried a wallet of the four of us with him everywhere. He's determined to never forget their perfect little faces.
"I know… one day it won't be so painful, and I won't want to forget."
Neither one of us spoke for several minutes. I couldn't delay this all day. Shutting the door behind me, I stared at the door that held my inner demons behind it.
Taking a large breath I slowly pushed the door open. The room was always so bright no matter how dismal it remained outside. The light walls were always cheery, even today of all days.
Standing in the door way I was reminded of the last time I stood here. Rosalie had just dropped them off from their sleepover with her and Emmett. The family had agreed that me and Edward had needed some time for ourselves. Sure, we had made good use of our time alone, but were glad to have our angels back with us.
"Alright,come on princess,it's time to go to bed." Edward kissed little Nattie on her head, and nestled her into her crib covering her with her favorite blanket. "I know you must be exhausted after your stay with Auntie Rose and Uncle Em!" I would never tire of seeing him with our children;it was just the most precious thing. "Look at that brother of yours, out like a light. Do you know if he was wrestling with Uncle Em this afternoon?"
He was laughing quietly to himself as he gently caressed her brown curls so she would fall asleep. I stepped further into the nursery taking a look at Nick who was indeed sound asleep with that adorable little pout in place on his tiny lips.
"She just fell asleep. We should go before one of them decides they only needed a power nap." Smiling I bent down and quickly kissed my sleepingdaughter'shair before holding out my hand for my husband.
"Don't remind me about all the hours of sleep I have missed in the last few months since our little ones came into this world." We felt like celebrating the first night the two of them came close to sleeping most of the night. It was a milestone I didn't think I'd live through. "Come on, it's late. We have an early flight out tomorrow."
Edward took one last look at the two sleeping angels before following me out of their nursery. Soon enough, days like this will be over, our tiny infants will grow into toddlers, and our toddlers will get big enough to go to school. All we could do was love them every step along the way.
The memory of those happy times brought forth the deluge of tears. Once they started I couldn't stop them. Sobs wracked through me until I thought for sure no more could possibly come. My knuckles were white by the time I remembered I was still clutching my phone to my ear, to the point where I should have been concerned for the small, innocent piece of technology.
"Honey, talk to me. Bella! Oh, God!..." I didn't need to see him to know he was terrified. I could hear the tears that were reflected into his shaky, yet panicked voice.
He was hurting just as much as I was. The loss of our children was just that, the loss of our children. If I came away from this whole thing with no other revelation or epiphany or whatever you wanted to call it I had to bring that. For so long I had seen everything that had happened to me as only happening to me. Edward had always been so strong. Through my grief and pain I hadn't seen until now how the loss had destroyed him. The fact that he hadn't even gone near his office in months having not sunk in before now, he couldn't even do something that he loved anymore. He may not let anyone see, but he was broken and tortured too.
"I love you so much; I'm so sorry I can't be there. Say something, please."
Words caught in my throat. He was begging, pleading with me not to retreat back into myself. Until I came home, I figured I was doing a pretty good job keeping up an 'I'm-Fine' front. I saw myself, the zombie, fall away bit by bit. It's still there in the shadows, don't get me wrong, but it's just not as prevalent as it was before. Maybe this therapy crap is working.
I could sense his fear now of me reverting back into what I had become over the past year. He couldn't bear it any more than I could, after I had just started letting him back into my life.
Could Edward have really lost more than me? I had always thought the answer to that was a flat no, but now I couldn't be so sure. Yes, I had lost two children. Yes, I had lost the ability to have children on my own. However, Edward had lost also two children. What I hadn't realized he had lost was a wife as well.
I had shoved him out of my life so completely that it was as if nothing between us had ever existed. We didn't see each other; we didn't speak to each other. Hell, there wasn't even a stray sock of his left in the house anywhere after he left.
I had never doubted his affection, his love, and his undying devotion to me. Edward, however, had no such confidences from me. He could hope, and he could wish, but I never once let him comfort me, never told him I loved him.
Picking up a stuffed lion from Nick's crib, I held it to me as I crumbled to the floor of the nursery. I stared out at the untouched things that had belonged to our children, toys strewn across the floor or in either of the two matching cribs, tiny little clothes that still hung in the closet.
There were two photos that hung here, one a drawing done by a local artist, and the second one of a very pregnant me. I would know who was behind the camera when that picture was taken, I just looked so… incandescently happy. I knew without a doubt that Edward had taken that picture during one of our drives down to the beach. The love that shown back through my eyes nearly startled me, it had been so long since I had a look like that on my face.
"You're not saying anything, honey. You're crying. God, Bella, are you okay? No, don't… that was a stupid question. Of course you're not alright! Christ! Shit, honey, I'm sorry, I'm grabbing the house phone to call my mom and have her come to you," he all but cried into the phone.
"No, I'm sorry… so much." If only I could take back everything that I have done to this man over the last year or so, if only I could take back all the things that I did to hurt him. I may not have meant to do anything wrong, but I did. Pushing him away the way I did was the worst decision of my life. I finally understood at least one reason why Rose never wanted me to leave him.
I couldn't do this alone anymore than he could. I couldn't let this eat him away until nothing was remaining of the man I married. "I'm sorry I have been so distant. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that this whole thing ever happened. I promise one day you will be able to pull me into your arms and kiss me without me recoiling away from you." I didn't know today if that would ever be possible, but I could hope and pray one day I could give that to him.
With that new determination looking around Nick and Nattie's old room wasn't so hard. Yes, the hole in my chest that they used to occupy was left only with memories, but they were good memories. From this point forward all I could do was pick up the pieces and work with what I had. I finally was able to realize what everyone wanted me to see all along. What I am left with today may not be everything I lost, but it most certainly isn't nothing either. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, and an amazing family that will always be there.
"I love you." It had been a long time since I had said those words and been able to mean it in every way. It felt good to finally tell him. I had never stopped loving him. I just had to understand that he hadn't either.
"I love you, never doubt that. I will always be here when you are ready." Those were just the words I wanted to hear, that I needed to hear. I nodded into the phone rolling my eyes at myself knowing he wouldn't be able to see.
With the stuffed lion still held to my chest, I began wandering the house again. This time it didn't seem so painful. Toward right side of the house there was a large parlor that held a beautiful piano. I could pretty much guarantee that it was in tune.
Alice had chosen a white one, but I had insisted on black. There was just something spectacular about seeing Edward sitting behind a black baby grand piano. Sitting down on the bench I felt closer to him even more so than having his breaths coming through the phone held to my ear.
"I wish you could play me something. I've missed hearing you. It was always so soothing to me… even that damn funeral march you played all the time." I knew he would get a chuckle out of that, he knew it was true.
"I taught you to play one song. Why don't you play that for us?"
"Hold it! Firstly, 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star' is not a song, but yes you did teach me how to play it." He managed to suffer through a few hours to teach me how to play that one childish song. I for sure figured he would rip out all of his hair in the process, but I did manage to get through the entire thing. "Secondly, how did you know I was sitting at your piano?" Sometimes I swear the man could read my mind or at least had spies everywhere or something.
It felt good to get him to laugh after the afternoon we had just gotten through. "'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star' is a great song! Anything longer and I might not have made it through the teaching process. There is a reason I am a lawyer and not a piano teacher, love. As to your other inquiry, let's just say I had a feeling."
Knowing he couldn't see me didn't stop me from rolling my eyes and I set the phone down and tentatively set my fingers on the ivory keys. I heard each one of my mistakes so I am sure Edward heard even more. I was just surprised I remembered how to play most of it.
"You did great!" I wanted to laugh at him, but he was trying so hard.
Instead, I thanked him as I searched for Esme. She was still in the kitchen, arranging a vase of Calla Lillie's on the granite-topped island. As I approached her, she glanced up and took in my appearance. A sincere smile spread across her face, reaching all the way to her eyes, just like Edward's.
She rounded the island, and raised her finger to her lips, signaling 'Shhhh'…she reached for me and wrapped me in her embrace. I was brief, but inviting and warm, and homey. She loved me, just like the rest of the family, and they were all still here for me. She pulled back, smiled again, and turned back to her task.
"Your mom is being very covert," I joked. Knowing full well, she was only here as an insurance policy. This demon I had to face on my own, but I know Edward and Rose wouldn't leave me alone to do it. Not completely, anyway.
He chuckled, "Yeah, she's under very strict orders from Rose, NOT to intervene unless absolutely necessary, but knowing my mother, she's not going to stay away from you completely."
"Tell Rose, that your mom performed her 'mission' 100% accurately," I continued to tease. The last thing I wanted was for Rose to think negatively of Esme's brief hug. Sure, I knew she was here, but she didn't interfere with the task I was performing, so I would say that was a complete success. And in the back of my mind, I felt peace knowing that it was Esme in the house with me, if it couldn't be Edward.
"It's late here, so I know it's even later in Chicago. You should get some rest." He groaned, and heard him scrubbing his face with his hands. I couldn't deny I was worried about him. I didn't like him being so far away anymore.
"I'm staying on the phone until you get home. Rose told me you had your training today with Jake. I'm sure you've got to be beat. I just sit around all day, and run the occasional errand for Rose, it's not like I do much. I don't think I am ready to go back to work yet." Neither of us was up to saying much on my drive back into town. There was so much I wanted to ask him, but after today I didn't want to weigh him down with anything else. He was just being too quiet. Edward could prattle on like an old woman at times. I wanted to know if he was just tired. Rose had mentioned that he hadn't been sleeping much. Awake when she and Emmett went to bed, and awake when they woke up in the morning with a pot of coffee all but gone.
"You're quiet all of a sudden." I didn't want to appear like I was fishing for information, but I don't think I masked it all that well. He was always so good at reading people.
"It's nothing."
"Nothing wouldn't make you quieter than a church mouse. What's bothering you? Did something happen?" My worst fear immediately went to James, but that was highly unlikely. He had no way of knowing I was talking to Rose. There's no way he could have found out. Besides, I've only admitted to knowing who my attacker was, not any details.
"No, no! Nothing happened. Rose just said… she was acting a bit strange. That's all. I'm sure it's just one of her clients. You know how she gets attached." There was a smile in his voice, but I didn't want to believe him. I wanted to press the matter instead I dashed inside trying to avoid the light rain that had just started.
"Well… I should let you go since you're home. Say 'hi' to Charlie for me. I'm certain Rose will call asking about today soon. I think she just might be pacing outside the den right now waiting to talk to me." He raised his voice louder and louder as he talked, alerting Rose she had been found out.
A very distinct, "Fuck off Cullen!" came through the phone. I had to laugh at Rose; you had to just love her.
With the promise that he would call again to just talk next time, he wished me sweet dreams, and hung up.
I was half expecting Rose to call me tonight. Thus I wasted awhile getting a glass of milk, doing a few dishes, and writing a few pages of my story. My editor would be very pleased with my progress in such a short time.
When I couldn't keep my eyes open a moment longer, I got under my covers, and drifted off to sleep. Rose would have to wait till tomorrow.
In my dream there was a meadow full of beautiful wild flowers, but as I stood there it withered and died right before my eyes. It made me want to cry as I turned to face Edward, who had been standing there with me, but he had walked into the woods. I ran after him, but I couldn't find him. I ran and ran until I came to a clearing that held a small cottage. All was eerily quiet until a baby's cry broke the silence.
I didn't know I was screaming until my dad was shaking me awake.
"Bells! Wake up honey, you're safe, I'm here, it'll be okay."
I was met with his glassy eyes and his arms tightly around me. He had woken me up countless times like this so many years ago for a very different reason. It tore me apart to see him so afraid.
"It was just another nightmare, another memory. Thank you for waking me up." He still didn't make any move to get up or let me go. "I'll be fine. Go back to sleep, I know you have an early shift in the morning."
Reluctantly he pressed a kiss to my forehead, and gave me one last glance before he closed my door again.
It was difficult to fall asleep again. After a nightmare I never wanted to close my eyes again. I listened to the rain pelt the roof for a long time. I had gotten used to the quietness of Chicago these past few years. Even college in Phoenix was quiet compared to the symphony of rain drops against every surface outside.
Eventually in the early morning hours, just after I heard the cruiser head down the street I fell into a blissful dreamless sleep.
A/N (Jessi): OhMyGod! That was a tough chapter, and we still aren't out of the woods yet! I hope y'all liked it. I second everything Mrs. Danna said below. Thanks to EVERYONE who reads and Reviews and of course to our amazing Beta: Songster! She's amazing! Thanks so much!
A/N#2 (danna0724):Alrighty… moving right along… FIRST AND FOREMOST~ a huge puffy heart lurving thank you to Songster… BETA extraordinaire! You are the bestest!
Some PSA~ Bella was only assaulted by James, NOT gang raped. The 'other' individual there, that B is overhearing, is there after the fact. He is remaining unidentified for the time being, on purpose by Jessi and I. His role, as well as others, will come more into play, and it will all make sense… I promise. But the story must progress first, otherwise EVERYONE would be lost… ;o) Good news… 14 is about complete and 15 is in the works… and I do believe that 14 will have some citrus… WHAT? Yes kiddies, you heard me correctly… CITRUS… after all of Jessi's self proclaimed 'doom and gloom' and my angst… we figured you kiddies deserved some goodies… so… hit that little button below and tell us how much you want that Lemony Goodness…