DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns everything; We just have an overly active imaginations. (apparently angsty and disturbed one's, or at least that's what we are told)

ATTENTION: This story's theme is rape. (among other things)

A/N (Jessi): Just read it! Oh, and get your tissues ready.

A/N#2 (danna0724): As per the usual… if you aren't old enough to buy cig's/porn or vote, please do NOT go any further! ALSO… this story is the sole property of Jessi's and Danna's, stealing is a crime, and you don't really wanna be a 'ganker' anyway do ya?

Betsy=green

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Tortured Soul: Chapter 17

Bella's POV

…

The black abyss seemed endless before me. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't even feel anything. I couldn't hear anything. All of my senses seemed to be null and void at the moment. For the longest time I just lay there in that dank basement. It seemed like it was days, but I don't think it was. I would have died, right? At least I didn't think I was dead. I figured death would be different, colder somehow… more absolute and final. No, I couldn't be dead. If I was dead then those who did this to me would never pay. They needed to recompense for what they had done.

Everything was so eerily quiet. There wasn't a single sound anywhere. Not in the house or in the world around it, nothing, nothing at all anywhere. I wanted nothing more than for it to end.

In my mind I could see all the blood clear as the first time, an image burned into the back of my retinas and brain for an eternity. I could feel his hands on my body, his breath, hot and vile on my cheek. I could see… them. I wanted to be sick. I felt like I should be. My brain was rewinding the horrid events over and over again.

"You'll never see them again," he had said. He was right. I saw them die. I saw him kill them. I would never hold my children in my arms again. I would never see them grow bigger and bigger everyday. The prospect of my life without them with me seemed so empty. How could I go on? Why would I go on?

Edward.

I couldn't give up because of Edward. Someone had to be there for him. He couldn't lose all of us. We could both lose our children, but he couldn't lose a wife and two children. I could be there for him. I had to be. He was strong, but he wasn't that strong. He needed me… if only he would have me.

"I know you'll be a good girl and never tell a soul if you don't want this to happen to everyone you love, starting with your husband," he had told me. I could tell from his voice he meant it; the conviction and determination was evident. He meant every word. Just how he had meant every word right before he murdered…them.

I couldn't even think about what they had just done; what I had just witnessed, and been able to do nothing about. I was no longer a mother. I couldn't even call myself a real woman for what I had just allowed to happen. All excuses aside, I simply lay there while he killed my reason for existence.

I could never forgive myself for that. How could anyone forgive me for that? How could I possibly ask Edward to forgive me for standing by as his children were murdered? I couldn't call them ours. I had no right to call them mine.

Edward could never want me knowing what had just happened. How come I didn't die too? Why didn't they kill me too? I could never face my family, my husband ever again. I am no better than these monsters for allowing this happen.

Pain… pure, undiluted, physical and mental pain engulfs my entire being. At this point, I'm not sure if it's the drugs or shock kicking in, but my body seems to start twitching uncontrollably. I lay here, helpless… useless awaiting death, hoping it takes me.

After everything I didn't deserve to be alive. I didn't want to be alive right now. No matter what Edward would never forgive me. How could I be strong for a man who didn't want me anymore? I lay there in that musty basement and willed death to take me.

I slipped into a chasm of nothing until loud footsteps and voices filter down from the floor above. I'm fully convinced it's James and that other evil man. Coming back for more? What more could they possibly do, aside from kill me? Oh please, let them kill me. Let them finish what they started. I would take anything gladly. I'd let James have his way with my body; I'd let them inject anything into my veins. I just wanted to fall under the darkness, and never come out.

"The house is empty. There's no one here," a man said from far away.

"There's stairs! It's basement of some kind," Yelled another voice in closer proximity.

I wanted to run. I had to get away, but I still couldn't voluntarily move. They would find me, I was sure of it. It scared me, but it was the only way to get what I wanted. Death.

When I tried to open my eyes, all I wanted to do was vomit. Before I could even focus on anything, I quickly shut them again. Whatever they had given me was still in my system. Opening my eyes only made the nausea come back.

"There's someone dow- Mrs. Cullen?" a voice implored.

How did he know my name? Only James and that monster knew I was here. Why are they…? I…

"Kill me…" I could get out any more than that. I wasn't even sure if those two words managed to slip past my lips loud enough for them to hear me. I wanted for them to hear me; I needed it.

"Mrs. Cullen, we're here for you. We're going to get you out of here. We've been looking for you. You just hold tight for a few more minutes. You're going to be okay, Mrs. Cullen."

How did they know my name? No one knew I was here except for two people. I didn't want to believe what they were saying. I wanted them to be lying. I didn't want to live. I wanted to die. I needed to die for what I had done.

I was still on edge. I couldn't move, I couldn't see who these people were. I was glad to be getting out of this hole regardless, though. I was parched too, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't deserve any kind of comfort.

"I've found her! Isabella Cullen is here! Bring the gurney over! Keep the husband back behind the barricade. I don't know what we're going to find down here. I don't even know if she's alive."

'The husband'? Edward! He had to mean Edward. If only he would be as happy to see me once he found out the fate of his son and his daughter. He won't be so eager at the sound of my name once he knows. If at this moment I had to ability to cry, I would have. My life as I had known it was long since over.

The footsteps and voices got greater in number and loudness as they descended the steps to the basement. Someone placed his or her fingers at my neck I wanted to flinch away. I didn't want anyone touching me. The feel of another person's skin touching my own flashed images of James' touch on me… of that other man's hand caressing my cheek as he ripped away my life.

"She's alive! I've got a pulse. Gurney, now! Mrs. Cull- Isabella you're going to be just fine. Can you hear me?"

I didn't know what to do. I could hear him; I just couldn't do anything about it. So all I could do was lay there, while my body began twitching involuntarily again. Apparently to get me to hear him, he started saying everything louder. Somehow in all my drugged stupor I wanted to roll my eyes at this guy, however all I could do was lay limp in his grasp.

"Stop yelling that she is going to be okay. She's been through hell. We don't know what happened to her or what they've done to her. Just shut up and help me get her upstairs to the chopper," another man said, finally someone with some reasoning.

Another wave of hope shot through me. Not that I was going to pull through this, but that I could still yet die. They didn't know what cocktail of drugs was in me. What if there was nothing they could do for me? What if they gave me something that had a bad counter reaction to what was already in my system? Yes, there was still hope that I wouldn't open my eyes again.

"Okay boys let's get her to the chopper, and be ready to make a run for it. We're not lingering around the husband. He doesn't need to see her like this. And for God's sake be sure to cover her up!" My stomach rolled as I put together what he said. Hours with James… was it only hours? I couldn't be sure, then however long in that basement. I suppose I wouldn't want to look at me either.

What did a woman, who had been kidnapped, raped, drugged, and witness to her children's murder look like? Again, images of cruelty and blood flashed before my eyes. The twitching began to increase.

"She's going into shock, get the paddles and the syringe ready just in case."

"IV in place, fluids being administered, she's NOT going into cardiac arrest on my watch! Dammit, secure her lower extremities; this thrashing is going to throw her right off the stretcher on transport to the chopper!"

"We need to move and move NOW, she's stable enough for transport! She needs to get to the hospital sooner rather than later… MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!"

There was more shuffling, and I was definitely jostled, which was probably them getting me up the stairs, but I still didn't dare try to open my eyes. The last time I tried that was too much sitting still much less while moving. Nausea began to overtake me again, my mouth began to water that icky salty saliva, which meant heaving was imminent.

"Bella! Baby I'm here! Oh God. Bella!" That was voice I would know anywhere. Edward. He was here… somewhere. His voice was still far away, but it was strained. I couldn't dwell much on the negative. I couldn't think about how he wouldn't want me when he found out what happened in that house or… in that basement. He would no longer be concerned about me. He wouldn't even want to look at me.

So I just tried to picture his beautiful face, the face of the wonderful man that I would love forever. Pretty soon that would be all I would have left of him, his memory, for he wouldn't want to give me anything more. Again I wished and prayed to whoever could hear me for death.

"Mr. Cullen! Edward! Stay back behind the barricade! There is a car standing by to transport you to the hospital that Life Flight is taking your wife to."

The man who was next to me sounded almost angry. I hated to think of what Edward had been doing to get on their nerves since they met him. When Edward was after something he could be… no he was relentless until he got it. I attribute it to him being spoiled as a child.

"I just want to fucking see her? Is she alright? Bella! I'm here baby; you're safe now. I love you baby, just hang on," Edward screamed over the whirring of what I am pretty sure was a helicopter.

"Jack, get her into that chopper! What do you need? An invitation! I told you to hustle! Get your ass in gear or I will do it for you. Time is imperative; we don't know what they gave her to get her this doped up and after God knows how long."

"Yes, sir," came the hurried reply.

It was awhile before anyone said anything more. There was so much loud slamming and cursing under breaths, and metal on metal, and that awful whirring sound that I doubt I would have heard anyone anyway.

"Do you think the children made it? Where do you think they would have taken them?" someone asked.

That had my interest.

"Shut up! I don't want to think about. None of this should have ever happened! The crime scene investigators go in after us. I-"

" Shut the hell up!" Another voice shouted from above me.

"Wh-"

"She's crying and her eyes are fluttering, her body is starting to thrash again. She's getting lucid. She probably hears you, and that's the last thing we need right now!"

"We need to keep her as calm as possible until the doctor's can determine the extent of the damage, we can't have her moving!" the authoritative voice demanded.

Not long after that, my world faded, as it had so many times in recent history. And that was the last thing I remember before waking up in an overly bright and sterile white room with tubes…everywhere, and a sleeping Edward clutching my hand from his chair next to my bed.

So death hadn't come. I was still here. Edward was still here. Edward would be nowhere expect heaven, and I was very sure I wouldn't be going there. That is if I even believed in stuff like that.

It practically crushed me to think that this would be one of the last times I got to look at him without seeing hatred in his eyes for what I've done, or rather for what I haven't done.

I wanted to let him sleep. He looked like he needed it. There were ugly dark circles under his eyes. I didn't want to think of what he'd been through in the last few days… or weeks. I didn't know how long. It seemed to have dragged on forever, yet gone so fast. One minute they were there and the next minute they were gone forever.

I wanted to drag out every last second I would have with Edward, but I didn't see any benefit it would bring either of us. I wanted to have happy memories of him. I had those already.

I didn't deserve to have Edward here with me. One only deserving of death should have to suffer alone. I wasn't worthy of having someone to hold me. Murderers didn't have that honor.

Gently I shook the hand that was tightly gripping my own.

"Edward, Edward wake up," I whispered close to his ear.

Gradually he began to stir. I could tell because a slow smile began to spread out on his lips, and his grip squeezed even more.

And it broke my heart all over again.

…

My legs were killing me; my arms were about to fall off, and my lungs were burning. Jacob wasn't kidding when he said he was going to push me extra hard before I went home. Shooting him an angry glare, he chuckled before letting me be done with sit-ups. If he was trying to get me more enthused about my upcoming departure it was working, even if for no other reason than I to get a break from these insane workout sessions.

"Great job today Bells!" Jacob almost yelled from his spot right next to me. It was at times like having a male Alice around. To think he actually wondered why we didn't ever want him to have to caffeine. The consequences would surely be detrimental to our sanity and physical well-being.

As I caught my breath and lay immobile on the floor, Jake hurried about putting away all the various equipment he had me using today.

"You got somewhere you need to be or something?" I wondered aloud to him.

"Yeah. Me and Leah are going out tonight," was his short reply.

I had noticed for a couple of weeks now his answers regarding him and his girlfriend had gotten shorter and shorter. Where he used to gush about every detail and idea he had, now there was only a sentence or two if I was lucky. After all we had been inseparable since we wore diapers, but on the flip side there were just some things I didn't want to know about my best friend. Still, that didn't mean I didn't want to know anything. However, I could also understand his need for some privacy.

So instead of badgering for more information, I simply nodded and continued lying sprawled dead on the floor. When all the bustling stopped, I slowly sat up very aware of my many aching muscles. I was going to need some Motrin sooner rather than later.

"So I'll see you tomorrow?" I always asked, even if his answer was always the same. With a hurried affirmative and brief hug we were both headed our separate ways.

…

"Bells, that you?" Charlie asked as I walked in the door. I tried not to roll my eyes. I mean honestly, why ask? Who else had a key, and would just waltz right into his house.

"Who else would it be, Dad? What do want for dinner?" I inquired, stepping into the kitchen finding him nursing a Vitamin R and reading the paper. "There's some spaghetti sauce left. I could throw together some lasagna."

Charlie looked at me for a moment. If I were crazy I might have thought he got a little glassy eyed, but I'd like to think that I'm not certifiably insane, so I won't for principle's sake.

"It's your last night here kiddo. Don't you dare think I'm going to let you cook. We got The Lodge, the Diner, or order in a pizza?"

No matter how much I wanted to add another container of dinner to the already full freezer for Charlie to be able to warm up later, I couldn't turn him down when he was looking all hopeful like he was now.

"I couldn't possibly go back to Chicago without having pizza from Toni's. You still insist on the artery clogger, what is it that they call it, 'Meat Lovers'"? I said jokingly.

He chuckled, "As long as you still want that bacon and banana pepper thing."

Laughing I picked up the phone and placed our order. Evenings like this reminded me of what it was like before I moved away to college. I loved to cook for Charlie, but pizza nights were when we could just be lazy in front of the TV, and talk. Well, we weren't really talkers, but that was just me and Dad. This evening was no different.

It felt good. It was a good last evening to spend with him before I left again. I hated always having to leave him here, but he was right my home wasn't here anymore. My home was in a suburb of Chicago. I'd come to visit whenever I could, but leaving always left me glum.

…

"Night Dad," I said getting up from the couch. Stuffed with pizza and bored silly with sports, I thought I had a pretty good chance of actually falling asleep on my last night here.

Charlie and I never really did anything to show emotion, so when I went over and wrapped my arms around him in a hug and dropped a kiss to the top of his head, he stiffened before he relaxed and let me have my moment.

"Night, kiddo. Love you, Bells," he said hugging me back.

I could be anxious as ever to get back to Chicago, but I was going to miss my Dad. I tossed and turned for a while before finally finding some measure of sleep. It wasn't going to be fun getting used to a quiet house, a house where the floor boards didn't creak, a house where Charlie wasn't snoring lightly across the hall, a house that wasn't located in the wettest place on the continental U.S.

That all being said; I was also looking forward to being home no matter how many fears I had suppressed in order to be able to get on my flight tomorrow.

…

"Bella, the phone." I bolted awake hearing my Dad's voice. "Rosalie is on the phone for you," he said thrusting the cordless into my hands. He definitely was not fully awake yet. At 5:01 in the morning I wasn't either.

"Rose, you do know my flight isn't leaving until after noon right?" I asked as I watched Dad shuffle back to bed.

"Yes! We are all so excited. We'll all be waiting for you when you land!" It was not right for her to be this awake even at what… eight o'clock her time.

We chit chatted for a little while, during which time I woke up a little more.

"It has been great to have Edward finally move back into the house. Alice was glad to give back your cat too. Poor thing had her following it around with a lint roller."

"Edward moved out?" That was news to me. Shocking, unexpected news, infomation I'm not so sure I was THAT awake for.

"Yes, he's been working to get your house all ready for when you come back. It's been shut up for a while now… well since you left. So he's been fixing some things up. He's been painting, planting flowers, and having the carpets cleaned. You know, all that spring-cleaning crap that homeowners do every year. There has been other stuff he's doing too, but the only way I know how to describe it all is just to say its Edward."

I had to smile. A lot of the things he did were described that way; because honestly there was NO other way to describe it. There was just one problem.

"Rose, I don't think I'm ready for that." I wanted to kick myself for my weakness. Here I had come all this way, hell I had even slept with the man, but I couldn't share a huge house with him? Maybe I still had fear of the last time I was in that house alone with him, but regardless I was tired of being this way. Surely that was an isolated incident and I have nothing to worry about.

"I know. We tried to tell him, but you know Edward, he just wouldn't take no for an answer. Alice has already set up her guest room for you. It's all going to work out, Bella. Don't you worry about a thing, okay?"

"What do you mean 'Don't worry about a thing'? of course I am going to worry! I can't disappoint Edward like that. What am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell him? Rose, I can't do this! I've- I've… and I can't-"

"Isabella Cullen!" She effectively cut me off. "You will most certainly be fine. We will deal with Edward when we have to deal with Edward. I am sure he will understand. The whole bit with the house is just another one of his weird coping devices. Alice has her guest room all set up for you if you decide you're not ready. Bella, don't worry about this. You just concern yourself with saying your goodbyes in Forks and not freaking out at the airport. Got it?"

Her words were just what I needed. Even over the phone I could almost feel her hand coming to rest on top of mine in comfort.

"Thank you, Rose. So much. I'll see you in another few hours."

"Love you, Bella. We'll be waiting."

Hanging up, I was finally ready to go home.

"You sure about this, kiddo? Really, I don't mind the drive…" Charlie was trying to sincerely change my mind.

"Dad, honestly, it makes no sense for you to follow me to Seattle for the flight. I have to return the rental car and you can't go past airport security anyway."

"But Jake could ride with you and I could follow…"

"Dad, NO! Really, I'm not a little girl… I can make this drive, don't worry." I was really beginning to get a bit irritated at his over-protectiveness with this.

"Okay, Bells, if you say so…" he agreed, defeated.

I hugged my father one last time before getting into the car and backing out of his driveway. As I pulled out onto the 101, I began to question my decision to do this solo. Maybe having a traveling companion wasn't such a bad idea after all?

I looked at the clock on the dash, it was just after nine o'clock, there was no way I could turn around now, get everyone ready and leave again in time to return the rental, get through security AND do all that an hour before my departure time. Damn FAA and their rules and regulations.

Three hours… three long hours with just me, myself and I. As I contemplated this, thoughts of the past few years started scrolling through my head. I inhaled sharply when the images in my head took me to a dark place, but I vowed to myself not let it overtake me.

"I am a new woman now! Reinvented, rebuilt, refurbished! Stronger and better than ever!" I said aloud to no one.

"Oh who am I trying to convince?" I sighed defeated. "Great, now I'm talking to myself… possibly arguing, this can't be good!" That's it; I was finally going to end up in the loony bin. Yeah, that would be a good one to explain to Edward.

With that last thought said out loud, I decided to keep the remainder of my musings internal. I'm pretty sure speaking out loud to myself is a sign of schizophrenia, and the last thing I need is for that to be an issue. Sure I've often wondered if I were crazy, but a full fledged, certifiably insane woman? THAT I was one thing I wasn't. Sure my circumstances and situation could drive anyone to the brink, and Lord knows I was on that brink, but I fought back. I'm not on the proverbial ledge anymore.

I built myself up as more images flashed through my memory. This time, they weren't of a darker place, but rather a turning point… the night I went to my husband. The night I decided to be a wife to Edward again, to be a woman, to be whole.

I blushed as I remembered the way he was so receptive to me. His embrace, his reverent touch. How could I be such a fool for so long, to think that Edward, MY Edward, would cut me out of his life? I was wallowing in a pit of SELF-despair, so convinced that he would hate me, when in truth it was me who hated me. It was me who spiraled down with no hope, and I was trying to take him down with me. While I was doing this, the whole time he was fighting back, clinging on to the edge to keep me from falling further. He was fighting for both of us and I was just trying to suck him down with me.

With this realization, I resolved that my return home would be completely positive. No more fear, no more hiding, no more downward spiral. I would do this for me. I could do this for me, and for Edward.

Three long, mentally exhausting and self berating hours later I had arrived at the rental car company and was ready to begin the next leg of my journey. The shuttle ride from there to the airport, the wonderfully long and extensive search in security and even boarding the plane is now a blur.

As I sit here, in my coach class seat, I sip on my last Starbucks from Seattle, and resolve to go in an upward spiral from here on out. As the plane ascended in take off, I visualized my own life, metaphorically 'lifting off', going upward, with the thrust and force of jet fuel, and I finally found a bit of comfort in my own mind for the journey I was about to embark on.

…

A/N (Jessi): Okay hope y'all love this, and that you didn't need too many tissues for the flashback. It was a toughie to write, I'll tell ya.

This is how things are shaping up: Chapter 18 has been on the drawing board and Rosalie is going to be snarky as ever. Danna does a fantastic job writing that woman to a 'T'. So that is looking good. Chapter 19 is also pretty much done. You'll get to take a look at High School Bella and Edward. I know cute right. So… yeah hopefully the next few will be out a little quicker. However as always we can't speak for RL, and how it will or will not cooperate.

Love all y'all! Thanks so much for hanging with us!

Danna and Songster you are two amazing ladies! Thank you so so much!

A/N#2 (danna0724): um yeah, I've got nothing to say for myself, other than I'm sorry! Sorry for the delay, sorry for the hold up, etc.

I love you all for hanging in there and not giving up on us or on TS. And I love JessiBel even more for tolerating my slacker ass and not giving up on me either… she rocks people! I tell ya, SHE ROCKS! Songster… Well she's just AWESOMESAUCE, plain and simple… nuff said.