Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Dudley Do-Right are owned by Jay Ward Productions.

Snidely Crosses the Line (Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties)

Narrator: At the close of the nineteenth century, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police was always alert and ready for action. A great example would be none other than Dudley Do-Right, who is busy performing the heroic act of-

Dudley is carrying a picnic basket.

Narrator: -going on a picnic?

Dudley: I sure am, Mr. Narrator! I'm going on a picnic with Nell.

Nell Fenwick: Dudley, where is your horse?

Dudley: He is busy carrying the blueberry pie.

Narrator: Horse shows up without the pie, and he has blueberry jam on his nose. Horse is either doing a very good Franz Marc impersonation, or he ate all the pie. Let's see if Dudley figures it out.

Dudley: Horse, did you eat the pie?

Horse: *shakes his head*

Dudley: Oh, you didn't eat it. All right then, let's have our picni-

Inspector Fenwick: Dudley Do-Right, what are you doing?

Dudley: I think it is quite evident that Nell and I are going on a picnic. Sir, are your glasses broken?

Inspector: I can see what you're doing, you twit. What I want to know is why you aren't looking for that scheming scoundrel, Snidely Whiplash.

Nell: Father, wasn't Snidely Whiplash arrested recently?

Inspector: Yes, but he escaped. Again. Do-Right, it is your duty as a member of the Mounted Police to arrest him.

Dudley: Don't worry, sir. I'm always on duty!

Dudley hops on Horse and runs over the inspector when riding further into the woods.

Inspector: Ow! Why did I hire him, why?

Narrator: Meanwhile, Snidely Whiplash is lurking in the deep forest and spying on our brave Mountie. He is accompanied by one of his henchman.

Snidely Whiplash: Stokey the Bear was fired earlier.

Narrator: Instead of the pyromaniac bear, his henchman is the one that wears a stereotypical Canadian tuque.

Snidely: I have the perfect plan to get rid of that meddling Mountie once and for all!

Henchman: That's what you said last time.

Snidely: Yes, but this time will surely be different.

Henchman: Yeah, right.

Snidely: Eh, you're just jealous of my famous career as a villain. And my moustache.

Narrator: Snidely and his lackey cleverly stalk the Mountie by hiding behind a thin tree.

Horse: *neighs*

Dudley: What's wrong, Horse?

Horse stares at the tree, and attempts to point out the villains' location.

Dudley: Hmm, that tree looks very peculiar. But it's probably nothing. Horse, you are being overly cautious.

Horse: *snorts at Dudley*

Dudley ignores Horse's warning and the villains go undetected.

Snidely: That was close.

Henchman: Ya know, I just realized somethin'. The reason why you get away so much is because your enemy is an idiot.

Snidely: I knew that for years.

Narrator: After making sure Dudley is really that clueless and went somewhere else, Snidely and the henchman get out of their hiding places.

Henchman: So, Snidely, what are ya gonna do this time?

Snidely: What I am going to do is-

Dudley: Come on, Horse, let's find that missing pie!

Narrator: Just as the head villain is going to explain his new evil scheme, Dudley rides back to look for the pie that Horse obviously ate at the picnic. The picnic is delayed when he "cleverly" notices the dastardly duo.

Dudley: Aha! I knew I was being followed all along.

Horse: *shakes his head in disbelief*

Dudley: I will arrest you, Snidely Whiplash and- what's your henchman's name?

Snidely: His name is, uh... you know, I have no idea.

Henchman: Hey!

Snidely: Well, you seem to have different names all the time. I've had henchmen named Bruno, Homer, and Rollo. All right, I'll just use one of your multitude of names. Rollo is kind of weird, and Homer could get us in a lawsuit, so I guess your name's Bruno.

Bruno: That makes sense.

Dudley is riding after Snidely and Bruno.

Dudley: Stop, in the name in the law! I knew you fiends stole my blueberry pie and my pic-a-nic baskets!

Bruno: What's he talking about?

Snidely: I have no idea. Do-Right, I believe you must be mistaken. We weren't planning to steal your pie, or your pic-a-nic baskets. We were planning to kill you and tie Nell Fenwick to the railroad tracks.

Dudley: That doesn't sound overtly fiendish. Please excuse me for my rude interruption. Good day, gentlemen.

Horse: *snorts at Dudley*

Dudley: That's right, we have to stop them before they harm Nell! It's a good thing I remembered.

Horse: *snorts*

Narrator: The brave Mountie and steed continue their pursuit, but the villains used this time to run far away from them. In fact, Snidely and Bruno are literally one step away from crossing the border of Niagara Falls.

Dudley: Oh, no! you wouldn't dare cross the border!

Snidely: Just watch me.

He steps across the border, which is represented by a line.

Snidely: I wouldn't be surprised if they drew it on with magic markers.

Dudley: Oh, fudge! Now I can't arrest you.

Snidely: Correct, you cretinous constable. Now that I have moved from Canada to the United States, it is illegal for you to apprehend me.

Bruno: Haha, you show em', Snidely! There's no way he can get us now!

Snidely: But you're still in Canada.

Bruno: I am?

Narrator: Unfortunately for Bruno, he forgot to cross the border, which means our brave Mountie can legally apprehend the henchman.

Snidely: I think you know what to do.

Bruno: Sure do, boss!

He attempts to cross the border, but he runs into a tree.

Snidely: ...Why do I even bother with hiring henchmen?

Narrator: Dudley was able to arrest Bruno, but Snidely was off limits to him because of the border laws.

Inspector: Ah, I see you have captured a Canadian criminal.

Nell: You are my hero!

Dudley: Why, thank you, Nell-

She hugs his horse.

Horse: *neighs*

Bruno: He didn't arrest my boss, Snidely Whiplash.

Inspector: Really? Do-Right, can you explain why you didn't apprehend that melodramatic villain?

Dudley: He crossed the border.

Inspector: What?

Dudley: I said that he crossed the border. You might need to get your hearing checked, too.

Inspector: I heard you, but I can't believe you let him get away with this.

Dudley: It's true. I can show you if you want.

Narrator: The inspector follows Dudley to the border. They are both in for a shock. Snidely Whiplash is not only mockingly close to the poorly thought out border, but he also built a house there.

Inspector: I say, how could you build a house that fast?

Snidely: Mr. Fenwick, I can assure you that I worked on my new living quarters for at least a week.

Inspector: Really? But that can only mean we were lost in the Canadian wilderness for a week!

The inspector stares at Dudley.

Dudley: Uh, sorry, sir. I guess my sense of direction needs a little work...

Narrator: Snidely, safe from a potential arrest, demonstrates his freedom by poking Dudley with a stick.

*poke*

Dudley: Hey! That is very disrespectful to dignified Mounties such as myself.

Snidely: Nyahahaha! "Dignified". Yeah, sure you are.

Dudley: I resent that!

Inspector: He right, Dudley.

Snidely: Even your boss agrees with me.

Dudley: We'll see about that!

Narrator: And so, Dudley Do-Right is determined to apprehend the border hopping, melodramatic villain.

Dudley: He assaulted me with a dangerous weapon.

Snidely: A dangerous weapon? Oh, come on! It was a stick!

Dudley: You could have poked my eye out. As you know, running with sticks can result in serious injury.

Snidely: Don't you mean running with scissors?

Dudley: You ran with scissors, too? Oh, you fiend!

Narrator: He's really determined now.

Dudley: I must stop him before he endangers any civilians!

The constable finds a stick.

Snidely: You're being a hypocrite.

Dudley: I can use this stick to pull him across the border.

Narrator: Unfortunately for our moronic Mountie, his plan is not going to work. He found a very tiny stick that is too small to reach the border.

Dudley: Uh, can you get a little closer?

Snidely: Nah, I don't feel like it. See you later, Do-Right.

Narrator: Snidely gets bored and goes into his new house.

Dudley: Come back here, you coward!

Narrator: Obviously, Dudley's first idea didn't work. The Mountie's next idea is to lure him back to Canada with some bait.

Dudley: I have free candy!

Snidely: Free candy?

He runs across and grabs the candy.

Snidely: Thanks, Do-Right old pal!

He rushes back to the United States.

Dudley: ...For some reason, I think I forgot to do something.

Narrator: Dudley ponders about this for a good hour and a half.

Dudley: Oh, I know! I forgot to bring some brownies.

Narrator: You forgot to arrest him. Idiot.

Dudley: It's a good thing I remembered.

Narrator: Eventually, he finally comes up with a somewhat viable plan.

Dudley: If I disguise myself as Nell, he will cross the line and tie me to the railroad tracks. Then I can arrest him.

Narrator: Do you have any backup?

Dudley: No, not really. But who needs backup when I have a brilliant plan like this one?

Narrator: Maybe you should reconsider-

Dudley: Can you please keep quiet? I can hear him exiting his house.

Narrator: He disguises himself as Nell Fenwick by using a Nell costume. Yes, apparently there is such thing as a Nell costume for some reason.

"Nell": *in a fake falsetto voice* Hello, Snidely Whiplash.

Snidely: Do you really think I'm that stupid? I know it's you, Do-Right.

"Nell": How did you know?

Snidely: That disguise was used in the episode about my addiction to railroad tracks. And your falsetto is horrid.

Dudley: Oh, curses! Foiled again!

Snidely: Hey, that's my line! I'll get you for this!

He crosses the border, kidnaps "Nell", and ties his future victim to the railroad tracks.

Snidely: Are you prepared for your impending doom, Do-Right?

Dudley: I think you are mistaken, for you are now in Canada.

Snidely: So?

Dudley: It is now legal for me to make an arrest.

Snidely: Oh, no! How right you are. I am most certainly vulnerable to my inevitable incarceration.

Dudley: I don't know what that means, but you have the right to remain silent.

Snidely: I had no idea that you're so intimidating.

Dudley: I am?

Snidely: Yes, especially with those ropes tied around you so you can't even move, let alone use handcuffs.

Dudley: That is very flattering.

Snidely: It sure is.

Dudley: Huh?

Narrator: Since Dudley decided to carry out his plan by himself, he is unable to free himself of the ropes. As a result, he is "flattered" by an incoming train.

Dudley: Yeowch!

Snidely: Nyahahahaha! You're as flat as pancake.

Dudley: That's a great idea, Snidely! The next time I go on a picnic with Nell, I'll bring some pancakes.

Snidely: That felt great. I didn't get to tie someone to the railroad tracks for a while.

Narrator: Nell is walking in the forest with Horse, and she notices the crushed constable.

Nell: All you all right, Dudley?

Dudley: I think so, but I'm feeling kind of flat.

Snidely: Aha, another victim...

Narrator: He attempts to tie Nell to the railroad tracks for the 120th time-

Snidely: This week.

Narrator: -but Nell and Horse manage to tie him up.

Dudley: Once again I saved the day!

Narrator: Actually, this time it was Nell and Horse.

Dudley: Oh, curses! Foiled again-

Snidely: That's my line!

The End