The first month was the worst month of his life- even worse than the Black Mesa incident and even the Seven-hour War. In fact, it was probably worse than them put together. Citizens hated him, and he didn't even fit in with the other CP's because he didn't take joy in his horrid duties.

The worst part, however, was beating up the civilians. The first time was particularly brutal, and it was a day burned into Barney's memory that he would never be able to forget. A man tried to throw a punch at the CP who was training Barney, and Barney was instructed by his superior to beat the man as "training." Barney reluctantly hit the man with his stun-stick while his wife sobbed horribly and watched in terror. The stick dug into the man's body with a grotesque "thump" each time. Barney tried to spread the hits out around his body instead of annihilating one spot, but it still didn't mean he wasn't causing considerable pain to the poor man. With each hit the man sobbed loudly and wailed with pain, crying out for Barney to stop.

Barney had tears pouring down his own face, which made him grateful for the mask he was wearing. He was also grateful for the mask, because the poor citizen and his wife wouldn't be able to see Barney's face. They wouldn't be able to remember Barney as the monster that savagely beat the unarmed man.

Barney finally stopped when the man lost consciousness from the pain and was left a bloody heap on the floor, breathing in shallow breaths. They simply left them there, forcing the wife to drag the husband back to their assigned apartment.

Barney's trainer told him he did a "good job," and especially praised how he beat "every inch of that sonofabitch." The CP offered to have lunch with Barney, but Barney made an excuse to duck out of sight and throw up in a side street.

As he vomited, another CP walked over to him, his shadow eclipsing any visibility of his ghost-masked face.

"Another hack?" he asked.

"Wh-I…Don't know what…you're talking about." Barney gasped through retches, "I just…ate something…bad."

"Yeah, yeah, like I haven't seen this before," the robotic voice said before the man took off his mask, "It's okay. I'm undercover, too. Been for about 2 months now. Rick Bowman."

The man seemed a bit older than Barney, maybe mid to late 30's. He had slicked back dark brown hair, brown eyes and a straight nose. He looked friendly enough, and taking off your CP helmet was not something CP's did- they liked to keep up with their menacing, intimidating anonymity.

Barney spat and then wiped his mouth with his left sleeve before shaking Rick's hand with his right, "Barney Calhoun."

Rick leaned sideways and got a better look at his face, "Well, we'll probably be working together to get citizens out to safety, so I'm B612."

"B736" Barney replied.

Rick nodded, "Bit of advice," he said simply, "hit the arms and legs all you want, won't really matter that much. Avoid the upper abdomen, 'cuz I've seen the shock of a stun-stuck stop a guy's heart."

Barney looked sick again, but Rick didn't seem to notice as he continued, "Try to avoid the abdomen at all, since all the organs are there. If you MUST, go for the really meaty part at the very bottom, near the intestines. Avoid the head at all cost, but they'll probably be protecting their heads with their arms so you can PRETEND like you're going for the head, but really just jab the arms."

He pantomimed a person covering their arms, displaying where one would be able to pretend like they're aiming for head but getting arm instead.

"When you're hitting from behind," Rick continued, "avoid the back of the neck and spine, and the ribs if you can. The best spot is the ass and kidneys. The kidneys are especially great because they bruise up nice and good, which the CP's love, but the citizen will be okay."

Barney nodded grimly, frowning with a look of undeniable misery on his face.

"Oh, and if you need to puke, go to an alley- not a side street. CP's stay away from alley's, since they smell so rank."

Barney nodded again.

"Alright, well I gotta get back to my post. Get your helmet back on and go back to your own post," Rick ordered, patting him on the shoulder slightly.

Barney looked miserable at the prospect of having to put his helmet back on and go back to work. Therefore, before Rick put his own helmet on, he looked at Barney sympathetically.

"What CP apartment are you in?"

"3" Barney replied.

"No shit? So am I. Sixth floor room 12. You can come find me if you need me," he offered before putting his helmet back on.

"Thanks," Barney said, putting on his own and walking away. His stomach was still in a lurch, and he wasn't even able to eat anything that night.

This continued for each time he had to viciously beat a helpless citizen. Barney would almost immediately vomit behind a corner, covering his face with a grotesque mixture of tears, sweat, snot and vomit. Barney eventually stopped eating during the day, which helped a little.

Each day he threw up after beating someone was terrible. But to Barney, what was worse was the day when he finally stopped throwing up- when he finally had become conditioned to doing this to innocent people.

This happened after about the first month or so. He also remembered that one vividly. The man threw his unappetizing bag of "food" at the Barney. The man was clearly starting to become unhinged from the oppression and lack of actual, real food. The CP Barney was on patrol with almost pulled out his pistol, but Barney pulled out his baton and struck his shoulder, sending the man to the floor before giving him three more thumps around the kidneys. His back was slightly visible from the tattered, ripped condition of his ragged civilian clothing, and it was easy to see several large hematomas appear almost instantly on the man's skin.

While it still made him upset, angry, and distressed, it ceased to make him sick to his stomach. That day he knew that a chunk of his soul had been sacrificed for the sake of staying a spy.

By becoming a CP, Barney had accomplished his initial goals- with Rick's help, he had gotten Eli, Alyx, Kleiner, and many, many others into safe areas within the city limits. He had easily saved hundreds of people by taking them out of refugee camps or out of City 17 and relocating them to places such as Ravelholm- a mining town directly adjacent to City 17- and the oddly named Black Mesa East- a base where Eli and many other rebels worked on technology to eventually take down the combine.

Occasionally, Barney would check in at these places, and all of the rebels welcomed Barney with a warm, almost hero's welcome every time. They all owed their survival to Barney, Rick and a handful of other spies, and they didn't skimp out when it came to showing their gratitude.

However, it was very hard for Barney to accept their praise and gratitude. Every time he received a jovial welcome from people he had rescued the week prior, he was trapped by the vast, all-encompassing guilt he felt from beating a civilian or two that day, or even just thumping someone over the head once. He would give an uncomfortable smile, say thanks and try desperately to get away from the awkward situation.

No one understood what he was going through. Eli and Kleiner and many others tried to say it was okay, but it was definitely NOT okay. Not a single part of his situation was okay in the least bit. He wondered if it ever would be. Like most people, Barney fantasized about life without the combine- he thought about people having children again, about people laughing, falling in love, playing, and the whole gambit.

However, his happy day-dreams were juxtaposed against his fears that his soul would be tarnished forever by the vastness of his life's atrocities. He wondered if he was able to help deliver the future that everyone dreamed about, would these sins be erased? Does doing the wrong thing for the right reason make it okay?

He would probably never know the answer to these questions that haunted him, but he kept himself going by focusing on the potential goodness that could strangely come from his wicked deeds. Unrelentingly focusing on the good kept him going. At least for now...

So that's it for now. Just something that's been sitting on my HD for a while that I finally decided to clean up and publish. Barney's position in the HL2 universe has always fascinated me. I've spent hours thinking how covertly complex his character is- he's a good person who is forced to do horrible things every day in order to keep his cover, and I would imagine that would be an incredibly difficult life to live. So I just wanted to express it in writing. Hope ya'll enjoy it. Feel free to leave any review you want.