Extended Chapter 18

Setting: Season 3, Episode 12 "June Wedding"

Rating: T

Jax sat on the hospital bed of the emergency department of St Thomas hospital thinking of only one person. Tara. His Tara. She was somewhere in this hospital being tended to. He didn't know where and no one would tell him anything. He was getting the very distinct feeling that it wasn't because of hospital policy that they were keeping him in the dark. He hadn't seen her since he put a gun in her hand and kissed her in Jacob Hale's office. He'd gone after Salazar and by the time he'd talked to the cops, had his arm and head temporarily patched, she was gone. They'd told him they'd taken her straight to the hospital. And that was the last thing he'd heard. He was getting close to begging. And to make matters worse, he'd been sitting here waiting for a doctor for half an hour. The paramedics on the scene had told him he needed stitches, and so he waited.

When the curtain was finally pulled aside and a guy in a white coat entered the stall, quickly closing the curtain behind him Jax couldn't help but sigh with relief. Finally he could get this over with and go find Tara.

"Mr Teller, I'm Doctor Roberts, I'll be taking care of you today." The doctor spoke without even raising his eyes from the chart in his hands and Jax rolled his eyes. Tara would never be so rude, and in that moment he got a whole new kind of respect for her. Her bedside manner as a doctor was impeccable. Some of these clowns could stand to learn from her.

"Do you know Tara? Doctor Knowles?" Jax asked hoping he could get information from this guy. The Doctor sighed and looked up at Jax finally.

"I know her. And I know what you're going to ask me, but I can't tell you anything Mr. Teller. I'm aware that you are in a relationship with Dr. Knowles but unless you are an immediate family member or her emergency contact I can't divulge any information."

"But I am her emergency contact. Check her file." Jax spoke quickly finally finding a little hope that he could get some answers out of these idiots.

"I have. You're not. She changed her information. You are not her emergency contact Mr. Teller." Dr. Roberts looked at him sadly but Jax was just confused. What the hell was this guy talking about? Of course he was Tara's emergency contact. He had been since a week after Donna's funeral. With no other family and no one else she trusted as much as Jax, she'd told him that she'd put his name down. He remembered feeling humbled and proud all at once. That he was the person his girl trusted most in the world. That if she made a decision like that then she wasn't going anywhere. She was here to stay, to stay with him. He'd been so happy, but now he was just confused.

"What? When did she change it? Whose name did she put down?" Jax asked this guy who looked like he'd rather be anywhere else in the world.

"She changed it about a week ago. She left it blank Mr. Teller. Now, I'm sorry I can't tell you anything, but I can stitch up these cuts of yours and take your blood for the tests."

Jax's sadness at hearing that Tara had removed his name in place of no one, and the knowledge that she'd done it around the time she found him with Ima was put aside when he heard the words blood and tests.

"Tests? What tests?" Jax was healthy as a horse, physically anyway. His ability to royally fuck everything up was sure to be attributed to some kind of emotional illness but he wasn't going to get into that, especially since there weren't any blood tests for that sort of thing.

"There's a request on your chart for blood tests for sexually transmitted illnesses and diseases." Doc Roberts refused to meet his eyes and Jax's blood began to boil.

"What? Do you order STD tests for every head and arm you stitch?" This was bullshit and he was going to get to the bottom of this. What right did this guy have to judge and insult him?

"No. But there is an annotation on your chart requesting it. So I have to do it." Dr Roberts looked at Jax with a mixture of exasperation and fear. Neither could bode well for a number of reasons.

"Who?" Jax demanded. He'd had enough of this bullshit.

The doctor sighed again, handing the chart to Jax and pointed out the signature on the form. Jax immediately recognised Tara's signature. He supposed he deserved that. But as horrible as it was to see that, to know that she wanted it, why she wanted it, he couldn't help but see it as a sign of hope. If she wanted the tests done, then maybe she wanted to be with him still. Maybe she could forgive him. As long as she knew he couldn't make her sick.

But that all depended on a lot right now, most of which was Jax being able to actually find her. Sighing to himself and nodding at the doctor Jax wordlessly held his arm out for the doctor to do whatever he needed to do. They were silent as the doctor stitched his eyebrow where Salazar had pistol whipped him, and his arm that he cut with the axe, before taking blood for the tests. The doctor was fast; Jax had to give him that. It took him only minutes to have all the stitches done and the blood taken.

"Alright Mr. Teller, you're all done. The blood tests will take a couple of hours, so we can call you later this evening if you'd prefer not to wait for them." Yeah, he wasn't waiting anymore. He had to find Tara

"Yeah, thanks." He whispered sincerely nodding at the doctor.

"No Problem." Doctor Roberts turned to leave but paused with his hand on the curtain. "Mr. Teller? I'm sorry I can't tell you anything about Dr. Knowles' condition. However I can tell you that just before I came in to tend to you I did see her waiting outside the ladies locker room. The nurses were making sure the room was empty for her." Dr Roberts smiled sheepishly at Jax before opening the curtain.

"Thank you." Jax called out, Doctor Roberts nodded at Jax and left. Jax jumped up from the bed quickly and hightailed to the locker room. He knew the way by heart, had waited for Tara outside of them many times before. When he stood outside the door he looked at it and hesitated. He wanted to go inside, she was alone, he knew that thanks to Dr Roberts, but would she want him in there? Throwing caution to the wind Jax pushed the door open and quickly stepped inside before any passersby could see him.

Jax looked around the room, the showers were separated from the lockers and he could hear the water running in the next room. They were indeed alone. So Jax walked slowly to the shower room. When he poked his head around the door nervously he was surprised to see the room empty. The last shower stall was running, but there was no one there. That's when he heard a sound that broke his heart. A clear and distinct sob. Jax bolted to the end of the stalls and found Tara curled up in a ball on the floor of the stall sobbing. Jax paused for a second, not sure what to do as he took in the sight of his usually unflappable old lady completely destroyed on the shower floor. But in the next second Jax quickly shed all his clothes and dropped to his knees gathering her in to his arms.

Tara resisted at first, releasing the hold she had on her knees to try and push him away but Jax wouldn't relent. His hold on her only tightened as he pulled her into his chest. What had he done? He'd done this to her. He'd hurt her, betrayed her, left her and then that bastard had got his hands on her. All because of him. Then a bone chilling thought occurred to him. What about the baby?

"Tara? Tara look at me." Jax cradled her face in his hands and tried to gently coax her head up to look at him, finally her head rose and his heart broke all over again. Tears were streaming down her face, her eyes red and full of fear and pain. "Are you hurt?" Tara didn't answer and Jax realised the stupidity of his question. Of course she was hurt. Her heart was clearly broken, and she'd been through hell. "Let me look at you. Please?" Still she didn't answer, only continued to cry, but she didn't argue or put up any resistance when he took first one arm and then the other to inspect her body for injuries. When he saw the bruises on her ribs Jax had to stop to take a breath and get his temper in check. That bastard had marked her. Had hurt her. Once in check he continued to check her over. Other than a few scratches and bruises there didn't seem to be any other injuries; her ribs were clearly the worst. But it was the injuries he couldn't see that scared him the most.

"Tara, love." Jax took her face in his hands again. "Do you know... is... the baby?"

Tara's eyes widened, obviously she didn't know he'd been informed, before they became sad and Jax could almost see the wall build up in them.

"I don't know yet." She croaked, her voice barely a whisper.

"I'm so sorry babe. I'm so sorry for everything I did. Everything I said. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was wrong. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I left you alone. I'm sorry that bastard got his hands on you. I'm sorry I didn't look after you like I should have. I'm sorry I was blinded by my own pain and didn't see yours. I'm sorry you've had to deal with all of this on your own. I'm so sorry babe, I'm just so sorry."

"I can't deal with this now. I just... I can't have this conversation right now." She stuttered as she shook her head, her eyes looking anywhere but at him.

"Ok. I'm sorry. Come on babe, let's get you up and dressed."

Jax helped Tara to her feet and finished washing all the dirt, grime and dried blood from her body. He brushed the last of the tears from her face as her sobs finally subsided and once she was clean he lifted her into his arms and carried her into the main room. He sat her down on the bench and quickly locked the main door. Jax tenderly took a towel to her body, drying every trace of moisture from her body. Her bruises became even darker as her skin dried and Jax gently ran his fingers over them. Tara wasn't supposed to ever feel pain, she was supposed to be safe, he was supposed to keep her safe and protected. Looking at her beaten body guilt overwhelmed Jax and he paused, leaning his forehead against hers. Jax placed a kiss on her forehead before quickly drying himself and helping her dress. Once Tara was taken care of, Jax gathered his own clothes and hurriedly dressed.

"What do we do now?" Jax asked completely unsure of where to go, what to do. He felt powerless, weak, and he hated it. All he wanted was to hear that their baby was safe and healthy inside her, take her into his arms and carry her the entire way home if he had to. He just wanted to curl up in bed with her and Abel and shut the world out.

"Ultrasound. I have an ultrasound." She whispered, her eyes staring at nothing. Shock had definitely set in and Jax was completely at a loss as to what to do.

"Ok. Good, that's good." Jax took her hand. At least they had a plan of some sort. He helped her to her feet and led her to the door. As he reached for the handle, Tara pulled on the hand that held his. Jax stopped and turned to her. "What's wrong?"

"Everything." Tara whispered before looking up at him, removing her hand from his as she ran her hands through her still damp hair.

"Before I can go anywhere with you right now Jax I need to know... are you doing all of this because I'm pregnant?"

"No." Jax quickly answered but only received a glare from Tara.

"Let me finish please." When his only response was silence, Tara nodded and continued. "Do you want to be a family with me? Do you still love me? Is this all guilt? Because I deserve better than any of that. If I'm not your girl, Abel's mother... if I'm not a part of your family, then I don't want you anywhere near me." Tara's voice was low, but her eyes bore into his and her gaze was steely.

"Tara. I love you more than anything in the world. I lied, I'm so sorry I said those horrible things to you, but they were lies. You are my family, you are Abel's mommy. You're my girl. I'm so sorry for hurting you babe, I'm so sorry." Jax reached for her hand and tried not to flinch when she wouldn't let him take it.

"And Ima? That gonna happen again? Anytime things get hard or dangerous, are you going to go screw anything that smiles in your direction? Cause I won't stay around for that." She shook her head at him and the anger in her eyes nearly knocked him off his feet. But more than that, her beautiful eyes were full of pain. Walking in on him that morning had killed her.

"I promise. Never again. I want you, only you." Jax tried to communicate with his eyes, with his words, how truthful he was being. He had never wanted Ima. She was a means to an end. Nothing more. But he was so unbelievably sorry he'd done it.

"You forgave me once, for leaving..."

"There was nothing to forgive, you had to go." Jax cut her off and received a deathly glare from Tara. So he shut his mouth and nodded for her to continue.

"I'll forgive you this one time. But Jax, I won't do it again. You pull any of this shit, or anything like it again, and I'm gone. I'll take the kids and I'll leave. Do you understand me Jackson?" Tara was as serious as he'd ever seen her. She would do it, he had no doubt. But he wouldn't lose her again.

"Yes." Jax answered meeting her eyes.

"You hurt me Jax. More than I have ever..." Tara's voice broke off as she fought back a wave of tears.

"I'm sorry. I love you so much." Jax hated seeing Tara cry, worse when he caused it.

"And this baby? How do you feel about that?" He could see how nervous she was, how frightened. But how could he ever be anything but ridiculously happy about making a baby with her? It was always supposed to be her. Tara and Jax. Jax and Tara. They were one, and any children they had, they were supposed to have together. He'd broken the rules once, and despite the fact that it resulted in Abel, who was amazing and magic, he'd wished more than once that Tara had been the one to carry and give birth to him.

"It's earlier than we expected, sure, but I'm ecstatic babe. We were heading here, weren't we?" They'd barely discussed it, but it was always going to happen. Maybe they should have talked about it more. Maybe he should have reassured her more. And if he had it over with, he would have. But she had to know that's what he wanted.

"I thought so. Before you forgot me." Her voice was so small. So heartbreakingly tiny that Jax felt a physical pain in his chest.

"I know. You were hurting too. You lost him too." He whispered and tried to take her hand again, she relented this time and the warmth of her hand in his warmed something inside him the way only her touch could.

"I couldn't do anything Jax. I watched him kill Kip like he was nothing. Then he had Abel. I was so scared that he'd hurt him. I just begged him over and over again to not hurt Abel. He put a gun to my head. I found out that morning, that I was pregnant. I had two children to think about and I was too terrified that I was going to lose them that I had no idea what to do. If he killed me, than this baby was dead too, Abel would be gone and then who would tell you what had happened? I didn't know what to do. I just begged him." Tara's tears started again as she remembered that horrible day.

"You did the right thing babe. I never blamed you. You did the right thing." Jax squeezed her hand trying to reassure her, but she pulled away from him again, tore her hand out of his grasp.

"Then why did you forget me? Why did you think that I wasn't hurting too? I was dying inside. I watched while he killed him. I saw the life leave Kip's eyes. He taped me to that chair and he stole my child from me. Why would you think that I wasn't hurting? Why?"

"Cause I couldn't see past my own pain. I'm sorry but I couldn't. It's no excuse and it was shitty but I... I hurt so much, and you seemed so strong." Jax finally admitted what had always plagued him about that horrible time. Tara's strength had appeared to be apathy in his wounded state.

"Someone had to be, you sure as shit weren't. You fell apart and you left me to be the strong one. I had no choice. You didn't give me one. And then your mother." Tara raised her hands in indignation as she yelled but as Jax heard the last of her statement his head snapped up to look at her.

"What did she do?" Jax demanded angrily. His mother was always interfering where she didn't belong. Especially when it came to Tara, and he was sick to death of the crap she was always placing on Tara. They'd be having a conversation about this. That was for damn sure.

"She blamed me too." Tara answered quietly looking at the floor.

"Oh god. I'm sorry." Jax reached for Tara but she stepped back. He looked at the floor for a moment until Tara's voice caused him to snap his head up.

"I can take shit like that from her, that's who she is, but I never expected it from you. You broke my heart. You left me alone. You abandoned me. And for what? To protect me? It was you I needed protection from." Tara yelled and Jax flinched as the truth of her words hit him.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, it was all he could think to say anymore.

"Stop saying that. I don't want to hear it anymore." Tara's face was the picture of frustration and pain and Jax didn't know what to do or say to make it better, to make it ok, but he knew he'd do anything.

"What do you want? Whatever it is, I'll give it to you." He pleaded.

"I want your word. I want you to promise me that you won't bail on me again. You always accuse me of running, but you do it too. You ran from me, first to the bottle than to that porn slut. I won't be your punching bag Jax. I won't. And I won't be Gemma. I won't make excuses for you or put up with cheating. I will stand by you; I will be your equal, your partner. I will be the mother of your children, I will be your everything Jax, but you have to be that for me too. You want my forgiveness? Earn it." Tara demanded and at any other time her fierceness would have been a complete turn on, but her pain was breaking his heart.

"I will. I promise. You have my word Tara. This or anything remotely like it will never happen again. I'm a better man when I'm with you. I don't like myself when we're apart. And the only real happiness I've ever experienced is when I'm with you. You are the love of my life, the mother of my children, my best friend. You are my everything. You are." Her words that day in Abel's nursery came flooding back to him, and he wished more than anything he could go back to that moment and truly appreciate exactly what she had been saying. He wished he could slap himself back to reality and make himself hear the woman crying in front of him, pleading for him to realise how much she loved him and wanted to be with only him. But he was so blind with his own grief that not only could he not see hers he couldn't see her at all.

"You mean that?" There was hope in her voice and for the first time in what felt like days, Jax felt hope himself. Maybe all wasn't lost.

"With my whole heart." He answered truthfully and reached for her, thankful that she didn't pull or step away but instead allowed him to take her hand. He didn't dare try for more contact just yet, but her hand in his had never felt so good. "What now?" He asked quietly, hesitant to break the peaceful quiet that had fallen between them.

"Now I have that ultrasound and we pray to god that nothing happened to our baby. After that... we'll see." She whispered and allowed him to lead her out of the locker room. They walked the corridors silently; neither speaking a word, but Jax couldn't help but smile at the fact that Tara hadn't pulled her hand from his. They walked hand in hand to the maternity ward but like all hospitals, they weren't set up for the ultrasound yet so they sat outside the room waiting. And waiting. It seemed to take forever for the doctor to appear. But when she finally did and lead them into the room, Jax's heart beat picked up. What if something was wrong? He didn't know what he'd do. Because he knew, everything that had happened was his fault. Whether directly or indirectly it was his fault. Their baby had to be ok. He just had to be.

Jax was thankful that Tara had let him hold her hand during the ultrasound and his heart beat finally calmed when the doctor smiled at them and told them their baby was healthy. He'd only ever been as relieved twice in his life. When Tara had told him that Abel was going to be ok. And when he'd pulled that blanket up to find that it wasn't Tara lying dead and bloody on the side of the road. He never wanted to experience fear like that again. He couldn't believe she allowed him to kiss her, but when he'd leaned in to take the chance he'd hoped she would. He needed to feel her lips against his. His elation that their baby was healthy had taken over him and clearly her too. But as she stood from the examination table and adjusted her shirt he feared they would go back to that horrible cold silence. When she walked to the door without looking at him his heart fell. But then she turned towards him and his heart soared. Tara held her hand out to him and the smile that lit up his face almost hurt.

Jax reluctantly let go of her when that Margaret woman came over to them and he spoke with Unser to give her time. But all he wanted in the world was to get her and Abel home. So when Tara came back over to him, leaving the administrator behind he quickly said goodbye to Unser and ushered her out of the building. Her car was still in the lot and when they reached it, Tara wordlessly handed him the keys. It was rare that she asked him to drive. Jax opened the passenger door for Tara and quickly ran round the car to hop in the driver's side once she was settled. His phone ringing stopped him from taking off; when he looked at the caller ID he immediately recognised the outgoing number of the hospital.

"Hello?" Jax answered and wasn't at all surprised to hear the voice of the good Dr. Roberts. He didn't think there would be a problem with the tests, so when the Doctor told him he was clean of all diseases and illnesses he wasn't surprised. But glancing over at Tara, who was staring out of the window, he didn't know what or how he was going to tell her. "Thanks doc." Jax spoke before ending the call.

"Who was that?" Tara asked without looking at him.

"Doctor Roberts, the guy who stitched me up." Jax answered as he put the key in the ignition.

"What did he want?"

"To tell me the tests were all clear." Jax didn't know what he was expecting from her, but he wasn't expecting the complete non-reaction he got. She didn't even blink. So Jax started the car and headed to his mother's. Things obviously weren't great between them still. And he knew it would take more than one rather heated conversation in a locker room to fix all the hurt of the last few weeks. But he didn't know how much time he had and he was damned sure not going to go away with any doubt lingering between them. He loved her more than anything in the world, and if she wasn't going to be there when he got out of prison, he didn't want to get out.

"Where are we going?" Tara asked after a few moments on the road.

"My Mom's to get Abel. Then home." Jax answered reaching for her hand. She let him take it and he released the breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. She was clearly still in shock but hopefully the worst was behind them. Actually, Jax hoped that once she held Abel in her arms Tara would start to resemble herself again.

"He's really ok?" She asked and he could hear the hope in her voice.

"He's perfect babe. He misses his Momma, but he's ok." He looked over to her and saw the first real smile he'd seen on her face since the day Abel was taken. They were quiet the rest of the way to Gemma's, but Tara didn't take her hand from his and the quiet wasn't filled with all the things they hadn't said like before. Now it was comfortable and easy. They were starting to feel like them again.

When he parked the cutlass and looked over to Tara, he saw her nervously chewing on her finger nail like she had the habit of.

"What's wrong?" He asked and she startled at the sound of his voice.

"What if he doesn't remember me?" She asked and the fear and heartbreak in her eyes killed him. How could he ever have thought that she didn't care, didn't love Abel as much as he did. She adored him, loved him as if her were her own. She brought him into the world, she saved his life, and she cared for him every day of his life. Of course she loved him. She loved him as if he were her own.

"He remembers you. I promise. And he's waiting for you." Jax smiled as he squeezed her hand. She nodded and let go of his hand to climb out of the car. She practically ran up the walk to the door and Jax had to jog to catch up to her. He put his arm around her as they paused in front of the door.

"You ready?" He asked and she nodded quickly. Abel was on the other side of that door, and once he was in Tara's arms, Jax's world would be complete. He couldn't wait to get them both home where they belonged.

Hi everyone,

I hope you all enjoyed the extended chapter. It's been done before, pretty much every SOA fic writer out there has written their take on what we didn't see in eps 12 & 13, but I'm throwing my 2 cents into the ring too. :D We got 15 reviews for the last extended chapter, can we match that?

xx Ally