I do not own anything Twilight. It all belongs to the magnificent Stephenie Meyer.
"Where are you headed?" Edward tried not to sound too disappointed when Bella came into the living room on Friday night, dressed to go out, with her purse and keys in her hand.
Bella blushed and mumbled something that sounded vaguely like "half an ate".
"What?"
Bella took a deep breath and looked at Edward briefly, then her gaze fell to the floor. "I have a date."
It took Edward a few seconds to process her words, and it was a few seconds more before he was able to speak.
"Wait. You have a what?" They hadn't made any definite plans, but he had been hoping for a little quality time on the couch tonight, maybe snuggled under her favorite blanket, half-watching a movie and paying much more attention to each other than whatever was happening on-screen. Even though he had known those plans might not come to fruition, he definitely hadn't been expecting this.
Bella bit her lip. "A date." She paused, and then sighed. "Please don't be mad."
Edward was dumbfounded. He looked at her blankly, unsure what to say.
She fumbled forward with an explanation. "It's with Jacob. We made the plans weeks ago, before we... well, before last weekend, and he bought tickets to this concert, and I didn't want to just bail on him, and I wasn't sure..." she trailed off, twisting her fingers together.
Edward felt like he was being torn in pieces. Part of him, the rational, mature, adult part of him, knew he had no right to be upset. The plans had been made a long time ago, and despite what had happened between them the previous weekend during the snowstorm, despite the undeniable change in their relationship that had made itself felt all week, they hadn't actually talked about dating, or any of it really. They had just kissed and cuddled and smiled and kissed some more. The rational part of Edward's brain understood that there was no concrete reason Bella shouldn't go out.
He had spent all day thinking about how wonderful it would be to spend the evening with her, with the whole weekend ahead of them. During the hours he had spent that day not playing the piano while the artist he was supposed to be playing with argued with the sound technician and his producer, he had imagined out the whole weekend. On the drive home, sitting in Friday afternoon Seattle traffic, he had thought about how warm she was in his arms and how much he wanted to hear her voice. Part of him wanted to cry with disappointment to find out all those plans weren't coming to pass.
The rest of him wanted to lock Bella in her room while he went and beat Jacob Black senseless with a big wooden stick. A caveman-style club would do nicely.
Bella gave him another look, then went and grabbed a coat off the rack near the door. His coat.
What on earth is she doing?
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Borrowing your coat?" Bella looked hopeful and sheepish.
"No. You are not. What if I need it?"
Bella looked at him as if he were crazy. "Edward, you're in your pajamas."
Dammit.
"So what? It's mine. Wear your own damn coat." Edward's voice was considerably louder and more hostile than normal.
"Edward, please don't be mad, I'm sorry, but I " - Bella's words were cut short when Edward interrupted.
"Who's mad? Go out, don't go out, do whatever the hell you want. I don't give a damn what you do." Edward's voice wasn't raised anymore, instead it was cold. He didn't even bother to turn to look at her.
Bella looked stricken at his words and his tone, her mouth contorted, and then her face hardened.
"Fine. I will." She looked at the floor for a moment, then faced Edward again, and very deliberately dropped his coat on the floor. "In fact, I don't need a coat, Jacob always keeps me warm. Have fun with the couch." Then she turned and flounced out the door, slamming it behind her. She didn't see Edward's face tighten at her words.
****r~d****
Bella's bravado lasted until she was out of the hallway. As soon as she reached the stairs, she sat down and buried her face in her hands.
What just happened?
She had suspected Edward would not be too happy about her plans for the evening; in fact, she had considered leaving before he got home so she would not have to deal with it. She had rejected that plan as cowardly, and besides, she wanted to see him, even if it was just for a few minutes. All day she had alternated between thinking about him and trying to think of a way out of her plans with Jacob. But she had told the truth; Jacob had bought tickets to this show weeks ago. It was the traveling company of Wicked, and she had wanted to see it for ages. He had surprised her with the tickets, calling them an early birthday present, but she suspected it was another attempt to win her affections.
Bella had been friends with Jacob for years, and he had pursued her on and off for most of that time. Much to his chagrin, beyond a few kisses here and there, there had never been anything between them. On occasion, she had considered letting their relationship progress, the lonely part of her heart figuring that being with someone who wanted you was better than being alone, even if you didn't want them back. Usually it only took one date to change her mind. Jacob was fun, and sweet, and brutally hot, but anytime things started to go in a romantic direction, she was immensely uncomfortable.
Edward knew all of this, of course. Over the years she had talked to him about it until she was sure he never wanted to hear the words Jacob Black again. He knew she wasn't interested in him. So why the big freak out tonight?
I wish he had asked me not to go. I wish he had asked me to stay home with him. Heck, I wish he had thrown me over his shoulder and locked me in my room, then gone and pummeled Jacob with a club. Bella chuckled at the vision of caveman-Edward in her head.
Her chuckles died quickly though as she remembered the real Edward she had just left, and her words to him. I really wish I hadn't said that thing about Jacob keeping me warm. Bella groaned. That had not been her best moment. She had taken Edward's jacket on impulse. His was warmer, and besides, wearing it meant she would smell like him all night. If she couldn't be with him, at least she could be reminded of him. She had been shocked at how angry he had gotten; she wore his clothes all the time, and had since forever. She couldn't remember the last time she had even asked permission. His objection had taken her off guard, and it had hurt. So she had snapped back with the first hurtful thing that popped into her head, and now Edward was probably imagining her somewhere cuddled up with Jacob, when all she really wanted was to be cuddled up with him.
She had been planning to talk to Jacob tonight after the play, to tell him about her and Edward and let him know, once and for all, that nothing could ever happen between them.
But what am I going to tell him? She wondered. That Edward and I kissed? That he was super sweet all week and let me have the last spring roll on Wednesday? That he said he loved me one time and hasn't said it again since? None of that is anything Jacob hasn't done.
Suddenly it all seemed so silly. So what if he had given her the last spring roll? So what if he had told her he loved her, and kissed her until she was breathless, and held her in his arms all night for the second night in a row? So what if he had told her that her early-morning haystack hair was beautiful and made her pancakes on Sunday morning?
So what if he built me a fort?
He hadn't said anything about the changes in their relationship. All week he had been attentive, and gentle, and had kissed her goodnight and good morning and welcome home and happy random time of day, but they hadn't talked about anything. Bella had been so sure that he felt the same way she did, but now she was uncertain. Maybe he didn't really care about her like she did about him. Maybe he just wanted to add some benefits to their friendship.
I am not a benefits kind of girl. Surely he knows that.
Bella bit her lip and considered her options. More than anything she wanted to go back inside, throw herself into Edward's arms and make the whole incident disappear. But she wasn't sure if that's what he wanted, and she was afraid of what she would find on the other side of the apartment door.
What if he doesn't want me?
Just as tears filled her eyes at the thought, she heard the sound of The Beach Boys' Ten Little Indians emanating from her phone. Jacob was a Native American, and he had chosen the ring tone himself. He thought it was hilarious.
She located the phone and saw she had a new text message. Everything ok? I've been here for 10 minutes. Do you want me to come up?
Bella had told Jacob earlier she would meet him in the parking lot. She definitely didn't want him coming up now. She quickly replied.
No, I am on my way. Sorry.
She pulled a mirror out of her bag and checked to see if her distress was evident on her face. Her eyes were a little swollen, and her nose was redder than normal, but it wasn't too bad. Maybe he won't notice.
****r~d****
The minute the door closed behind Bella, Edward wanted her to come back. He couldn't believe how things could go from zero to wretched in two minutes or less.
I am so stupid.
He got up and went to the door, ready to go get her. Then he hesitated.
What if she doesn't want to come back?
He leaned his head against the door and contemplated. The past 6 days had been the most blissful he could remember. Waking up next to her on Sunday, her warm little body snuggled against his, her hair scattered crazily over his pillow, had been the highest, happiest moment of his whole life to that point. He had lay there and gazed at her while she slept, all the time making grand plans. He wanted to take her to Paris and kiss her on top of the Eiffel Tower. He wanted to write a symphony about her. He wanted to spend a whole day just brushing her hair and enveloping himself in its scent. He wanted to wake up with her every day for the next 100 years. He wanted to rub her pregnant belly and hear her yell at him while she labored with their child.
It took every bit of self-restraint he had not to propose the minute she opened her eyes and looked into his.
On Monday, when he had walked in to find her watching TV, and she looked up and gave him the most beautiful smile in the world, the one he had already begun to think of as his smile, he had pulled her up and into his arms, into a kiss that took his breath away. Once again, it was all he could do not to drop down on one knee. He wanted to come home to that smile every day for the rest of forever.
He could barely stay away from her, even long enough to go to work. He was afraid to talk too much for fear that he would spill out everything he was feeling and scare her off. Too soon, too soon had been his mantra for the week.
Now he was afraid it was all gone.
He banged his head against the door. Why the hell did I say that? Why did I pick a fight over a stupid coat?
Why didn't I just ask her not to go?
Because I was scared, that's why. And because it's Jacob effing Black.
Edward wasn't sure why, but he had never liked Jacob. There was no concrete reason, Jacob had always been perfectly friendly to him, and he treated Bella like gold. He knew that Edward and Bella were best friends, and had even had a big-brother kind of conversation with Edward about his intentions, assuring Edward that he really cared about her and that he would never knowingly do anything to hurt her. There was just something about him that rubbed Edward the wrong way. He had listened to Bella talk about him for years, and he had watched her change her mind a thousand times about whether or not she wanted to date him. Bella had not dated much, and the only man in her life who seemed to have any staying power, besides himself of course, was Jacob.
Have I been jealous this whole time?
Edward stood there, his head leaned against the door, until he lost track of time. After what seemed like hours, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and tapped in a familiar number, while he walked toward his bedroom to change his clothes.
"Jasper? It's Edward. Wanna go get a beer?"
****r~d****
Bella realized as soon as she got in his car that it was insane to think Jacob wouldn't notice that something was wrong.
"Hey Bells...Bella, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm fine. Let's go, we don't want to be late."
Jacob held his tongue, but he looked at her for a long moment before backing the car out the parking space and pulling out of the parking lot. They were silent for a few minutes before he spoke again.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"No."
A few more minutes of silence, then, "How 'bout now?"
"No."
They were quiet until he pulled the car into the parking lot of the theatre. Then he asked, "Wanna punch me?"
"What?" Bella looked at him, incredulous.
"Wanna punch me? It might make you feel better. I can take it. C'mon, do it!" Jacob raised his chin and pointed to the side of his face, indicating where she should hit him.
Bella couldn't help it, she laughed. He looked so earnest, sitting there with his chin pointed toward her. She knew he meant it, if she wanted to hit him he would let her. She also knew he would barely feel it. She shook her head at him.
"Thanks for the offer, but I would hate to hurt my hand."
"Well, the offer is good for the rest of the night, ok?" Jacob's dark eyes sparkled at her.
She nodded. He got out of the car and came around to open her door. After pulling her out of the car, he wrapped his big arms around her, engulfing her body in his huge one.
"That's my girl. Let's go see what the big deal is about this witch musical."
He took her hand and they walked through the parking lot, while Jacob sang some silly song he made up about dancing witches. Occasionally he would stop and do a little dance move, or do jazz hands in her face. Bella couldn't help but laugh at his antics, and her mood lifted.
For the next few hours Bella let herself be swept away by the music and the story. She cried and laughed and rejoiced along with the residents of Oz, and when the house lights came up she sighed happily and looked over at Jacob.
"Thank you so much for this. That was perfect."
"I'm so glad." He reached for her hand again and led her out of the theatre and to his car. "Dinner?"
"Sure."
He drove to her favorite pizza place, and they were quickly seated across from one another in a booth. After they placed their order, he looked very seriously across the table at her. "Do you want to talk about it now?"
"Not really."
"Okay, I'll talk. But we aren't leaving here until you tell me what is wrong. Don't bother denying it, something is wrong."
"Alright"
"Bella, I have to tell you something. I hope it doesn't upset you more, but I can't not tell you." Jacob paused and took a breath. "I've met someone. Her name's Ren. Well, her real name is a lot longer, it's Swedish or something, but she goes by Ren. I can't wait for you to meet her, Bells. She's great." He paused and his voice filled with concern when he saw Bella's face. "Bells, are you ok? I didn't want to hurt you, but you said you wanted us to just be friends, and..." he trailed off as tears began to run down her face.
"N-no, it's not that. I am happy for you. It's just..." she sniffled and wiped her tears with a napkin.
"Bella, please talk to me. Please tell me what's wrong."
"It's Edward. Things have changed."
Jacob clenched his jaw. "What did he do? Do I need to beat him up? I will, just say the word."
Bella laughed through her tears at Jacob's fierce expression. "No, nothing like that."
"What then?"
Bella started to talk. She talked and talked. Everything spilled out, the weekend with no power, how things had changed between her and Edward in those hours in the cold, the wonderful weekend that had just passed, and the fight just before she left. She confessed her fears about what Edward was thinking, and frustration at being so unsure of where their relationship stood. She even told him about wanting to wear Edward's coat so she could smell him all night. When she finally stopped talking, Jacob looked her speculatively across the remains of their pizza.
"You love him, don't you? I always thought this would happen."
Bella was surprised. "You did? Why?"
"Bella, the guy has been crazy about you for years. He always looks at me like he wants to drag me into an alley and bludgeon me. Who knows, maybe he didn't even realize it, but it's true."
"So what do I do now? He was so mad."
"You have to talk to him Bella. You can talk to me all you want, but only Edward knows what he is thinking. I gotta say though - if he doesn't want you... well, he must be out of his mind."
Bella offered him a wavery smile. "Thanks, Jacob."
Jacob stood, throwing down a few bills to cover their meal. "Come on, I am taking you home. You love him, you need to work this out."
****r~d****
Edward walked into the little bar that was two blocks from his apartment where he had agreed to meet Jasper. He looked around for the familiar blond curls, and found them seated at a table near the back. He sat down across from his closest male friend. Jasper spoke immediately.
"I am so sorry. She insisted."
Edward was confused for a moment, until he saw a familiar tiny woman with dark spiky hair bouncing across the room towards their table.
"Really? You couldn't leave her at home?"
"I told you, she insisted. She said she 'had a feeling' she would need to be here," Jasper explained.
Edward sighed, resigning himself to Alice's presence. He loved Alice, it was impossible not to, but she was definitely a meddler.
Alice seated herself next to Jasper, setting the beers she was carrying on the table. "We went ahead and got one for you Edward," she said with a smile. "Yuengling, right?"
Edward nodded.
"So, what's up?" Alice asked.
Edward hesitated. To his knowledge, no one else knew yet about the change in his and Bella's friendship. He hadn't told anyone, and he didn't think she had. Would it be violating her trust to confide in Alice and Jasper?
Alice smiled again as Edward wrestled with what to say. "It's Bella, isn't it?"
Edward's eyes widened in surprise. "How did you know?"
Jasper chuckled darkly. "She always knows."
Alice shot Jasper her best death glare, but the effect was somewhat muted by the fact that she looked slightly less intimidating than a baby squirrel. "We had lunch on Wednesday. She didn't say anything, but she was practically glowing. Anytime your name came up, she blushed like crazy. It was kind of obvious." She smirked at Edward. "So, spill."
Edward took a deep breath. It was useless to try and resist Alice, she always got her way. He debated how much detail to reveal.
"Things have changed." Edward looked at Alice's eager, listening face, and she rolled her eyes at him.
"Duh. More please."
Edward started to talk, and surprised himself with how much he had to say. He had planned to stick to the basics and ask for some advice, but instead he found himself telling the whole story; the blackout, keeping Bella warm in the resulting cold, even the vision he had experienced of their future together. He told them about how wrenching it had been for Bella to reject him, even for a few minutes. He spoke about how conflicted he had been since then, about how desperately he wanted everything to work out between them, and how he didn't want to scare her off. Then he told them about the events of that evening, including his irrational anger and the way he had lashed out at Bella. He lost track of how long he had been talking. When he was finally quiet, he faced his friends. Alice's expression was one of barely repressed glee; Jasper's was considerably less happy.
"You yelled at my sister? You swore at her?" Jasper's fists clenched and unclench at his sides. "I oughtta kick your ass."
Crap. Edward had momentarily forgotten that even though Jasper was one of his best friends, he was above all Bella's big brother.
Fortunately, Alice intervened before Jasper could ask Edward to step outside. "Calm down honey. Couples fight. Or do you think Emmett should come 'kick your ass'" - Alice made little finger quotes around her words- "every time you and I have an argument?" She raised her perfectly arched eyebrows at him.
Edward barely suppressed a chuckled at Jasper's expression as he contemplated his wife's question. Alice's brother Emmett - her little brother, no less - was as huge as Alice was tiny.
"I guess not." Jasper admitted, relaxing his fists.
"Good. Besides, I can kick your ass all by myself, should it need kicking." Alice grinned at Jasper before turning back to Edward. "Now that Conan has put his club away...I have some questions."
Edward assented. "Go ahead. Ask."
"First of all, had you actually said anything to Bella about wanted to spend time with her tonight?"
"No, but..." Edward trailed off as Alice raised her hand.
"No buts, just yes or no. Did Bella seem excited about her date tonight?"
Edward thought back to their earlier conversation. Bella had seemed a little hesitant. "Not really."
"Have you talked about dating other people?"
"No."
"Have you talked about dating each other? Have you even been on a date yet?"
Edward flushed. "No."
Alice looked at him ruefully. "Here's the big one - did you ask her not to go tonight?"
"No." Edward sighed. "I'm really stupid, aren't I?"
Alice laughed. "No, you aren't stupid...ok, maybe a little." She smirked at him. "You just did too much assuming, and you over-reacted. We're all really shocked at that last part," she deadpanned.
Edward rolled his eyes at her comment. "Okay, I get it. Now what, oh great and wise relationship guru Alice?"
Alice turned to Jasper. "Honey, he found out about your name for me!"
Jasper kissed her on the cheek before turning to Edward with a smirk. "You forgot 'your majesty', Edward, " he said, his laughing eyes in contrast to his serious tone.
Edward chuckled. "My mistake. Your majesty, oh great and wise relationship queen Alice, what should I do now?"
Alice looked back and forth between her husband and her friend, scowling a little at their teasing, before she answered his question. "Apologize. Then, you talk."
"Ice cream seems to help too," Jasper suggested.
****r~d****
The drive back with Jacob was quiet. Bella was contemplative, and a little unsure, despite Jacob's reassurances. She could not get the memory of Edward's angry voice out of her head. I don't give a damn what you do.
How did this happen? Less than a week ago he told me he loved me.
Despite her best efforts to stop them, the tears she had been fighting spilled over and ran onto her cheeks. Jacob glanced over at her and removed his had from the gearshift where it had been resting, and took hers.
"Bella, please don't cry. It will be ok."
Now that she was on her way to face the situation, all the bravado and adrenaline that had sustained Bella throughout the evening deserted her. "Wha-what if it's not? Jacob, he's my best friend. What if we've ruined everything?" She began to sob.
Jacob pulled into a parking space in front of her building and turned to wrap his arms around her.
"Bella, sweetheart, you have to calm down."
Bella tried to calm down. She took deep breaths and wiped her eyes, only to be struck by thoughts that brought on a new bout of tears.
What if he hates me? What if he wants to move out? Oh god, I don't know what I am going to do!
Jacob continued to hold her through her storm of emotions, stroking her hair and murmuring soothing nonsense into her ear.
****r~d****
Edward arrived home in a much better state of mind than he had left. His conversation with Alice and Jasper, well, mostly Alice, had helped him clear some things up. He knew he had handled things badly, and he wanted to try to make it right. The only problem now was waiting. He wasn't sure what time Bella was coming home, or if she was coming home at all.
You can't think that way.
To distract himself, Edward did what he always did when he was under duress - he cleaned. He swept the kitchen, he vacuumed the living room, he washed the dishes left over from Bella's dinner, and all the time he kept pushing back the what-ifs; what if this is the last time I wash her dishes? What if this is the last time I hang up her scarf? What if this is the last time I put her shoes in her room?
Can't think that way.
Finally, when the apartment was spotless, he decided to go for a walk. I'll pick up some ice cream on the way back.
His five-block trek to the small grocery store they frequented was uneventful, and as he walked back, Edward's mood was lighter than it had been all night. Surely Bella would be home soon, and it was just a silly fight, after all. They had survived worse, in all their years of friendship. They would survive this, and maybe enjoy the rest of their weekend together.
His heart lifted even more when he saw Jacob's car parked outside their building. Bella was home.
Then he saw in the window of Jacob's car. He saw Jacob, with his arms around Bella, holding her close, nuzzling her ear. He saw Bella with her arms tightly around his neck. He saw Jacob stroking her back.
His heart, so hopeful just a moment before, broke.
****r~d****
It took a little while, but eventually Bella was able to stop crying. She pulled away from Jacob and laughed humorlessly at the large dark spot on his shoulder. "I think I managed to get all my makeup on you Jake. I'll replace the shirt, I'm sorry."
"No worries Bell, next time I'll let you buy dinner. And we'll make it a double date, how's that?"
Bella nodded, managing a watery smile. "I want to meet Ren. I need to make sure she's good enough for you."
"Sure thing Bells. Want me to walk you up?"
"Would you?"
"Of course, anything for my little Bellsy."
Bella frowned at the hated nickname, but she was glad for his continued company. It was late, and she didn't want to walk up the three flights of stairs alone.
At the door, Jacob gently took the keys from her still-shaking hand and unlocked the door. He leaned down and brushed his lips across her forehead. "Good night Bella, get some rest. It's all going to be ok."
Bella managed to give him a little smile in return, and she entered her apartment, unsure of what she would find. It was completely dark.
That's odd. There was a lamp in the living room they rarely turned off, since the light switches were some distance away from the front door.
As she walked forward to turn on a light, she stumbled over something on the floor. She located a light switch and flipped it on, then looked back to see what had tripped her. It was something in a plastic bag. She opened the bag to find a half-melted pint of Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk. Her favorite.
What the heck?
****r~d****
Edward heard the door open and close a moment later. He was tempted to pull his pillow over his head so that he would not have to hear Bella with him, but he forced himself to stay still. She had made her choice; he might as well start learning to deal with it.
Instead of the masculine voice he expected, there was only silence out in the apartment, then the unmistakable sound of Bella tripping over something. More silence.
They probably can't stop making out long enough to walk across the living room. Edward tortured himself with images of Bella and Jacob entwined on the sofa.
He totally wasn't expecting his door to open.
"Edward? Are you awake?" Bella's whisper filled the room.
His eyes threatened to fill again at the sound of her voice. Get it together. You will NOT cry in front of her. It had been all he could manage to get up the stairs earlier and get behind closed doors before the dam broke earlier. Now that he had his emotions under control, he wasn't letting them go.
He contemplating faking sleep, but that would just be delaying the inevitable.
"Yes."
"Can I come in?"
"Yes."
Bella entered and sat gingerly on the edge of his bed. She sat in silence for a moment, then started to speak. "Edward, about tonight-"
"It's fine." Edward interrupted. "I get it. I won't get in the way."
Bella was silent for another moment, and when she spoke, her voice was filled with confusion. "Edward, what the hell are you talking about?"
It was Edward's turn to be confused. He had made himself perfectly clear, hadn't he? He understood she had chosen Jacob, and he wouldn't get in the way. He sat up and turned on the lamp beside his bed. The sight of her face in the sudden light took his breath.
She looked terrible. Her eyes were so swollen they could barely open, her nose and cheeks were red, and her hair looked like it hadn't been brushed in days.
"Bella, what on earth?"
Bella took a deep breath. "I might have cried a little bit tonight. Or a lot." She looked down at his duvet, twisting an edge between her fingers.
Suddenly everything clicked together in Edward's mind.
"So, earlier, when you were in the car with Jacob...you weren't kissing? You were crying?"
Bella nodded.
"Were you...was it because of me? Did I make you cry?"
Bella nodded again, not meeting his eyes.
"Oh my gosh Bella. I am so..I am so, so, sorry." He reached for her then, pulling her down to lie next to him. She curled into him, and he wrapped his arms tightly around her. She felt tiny and frail next to him.
They lay in silence for a moment, and Edward wondered if she had fallen asleep.
"Bella?"
"Hmm?"
"We need to talk."
She looked up at him, and even with swollen, tired eyes, she was the most beautiful woman he could imagine.
"I know. We will. But tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay" He pulled her more tightly to his chest and reached down to cover her with a blanket. Tomorrow would be soon enough.
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