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Trigger warning on this chapter.
Thanks to Grey Paige for her help with this chapter, and for being wonderful!
The plane was still circling. It felt like it had been circling for hours, although in reality Bella knew it had probably only been a few minutes. She could see the lights of the airport through the windows of the puddle jumper, but she found she could not stand to look at them for long. The flight had been rough. Exhaustion and emotion had amplified her natural tendency toward motion sickness, and she was miserable. Looking out of the window only made it worse. She took a deep breath and fought down the nausea, saying a frantic silent prayer that the plane would land soon.
"Are you alright?" The woman in the seat across the aisle touched her sleeve gently. Bella opened her eyes and nodded, afraid to open her mouth.
"Oh, dear, you aren't, are you? You're looking a little green." She rummaged in a bag for a moment and extracted a small brown bottle. She removed the cap and extended it towards Bella.
"Smell it, dear. It helps, I promise."
She took a tentative sniff. It didn't smell terrible, so she held the bottle closer to her nose and inhaled more deeply. To her surprise, the sick feeling that had been rolling around in her stomach abated immediately. She didn't feel great, but she was no longer afraid to open her mouth.
"Thanks." She extended the bottle back to its owner.
"No dear, you hang on to that for the time being, you look as if you need it," she said with a gentle smile.
Bella inhaled again and the ill feeling retreated even further. It smelled good, and vaguely familiar. She sniffed again. It reminded her of Edward's house at Christmas.
"What is it?"
"It's ginger oil, dear. Helps with nausea. There are very few things in life as miserable as being sick on a plane, and this doesn't make one sleepy like those nasty drugs. This was a particularly unpleasant flight, wasn't it?"
Bella nodded again. The woman once again began rifling through her bag.
"Are you feeling better now, dear?"
"Yes, much, thank you." This time the woman accepted the bottle back when Bella offered it, but she placed a small package in Bella's hand before she could withdraw it. She looked down and saw a miniature Hershey bar.
"My other secret weapon, dear. Eat it slowly; let it melt in your mouth. That's a good girl."
Bella broke off a small piece and placed in on her tongue as instructed. The flavor filled her mouth and she immediately felt the last remnants of her airsickness wash away. She sighed.
"It's amazing stuff, isn't it? A little sugar, a little fat, a couple of magic chemicals; makes everything better."
Bella swallowed the candy before she smiled a the woman and asked, "What kind of magic chemicals?"
"There are two major ones. One is similar to caffeine, but gentler, and one is a chemical produced in the brain when we fall in love. That's why chocolate makes us feel good. Speaking of love, is that a wedding ring? It's very unusual."
Bella looked down at the heavy ring on her left hand and smiled down at it before turning back to the woman. "Yes, it is. It was an unusual wedding."
Bella found herself telling the woman the whole story- the blackout, Edward's proposal on her birthday, their fight over London, his unexpected visit and their impromptu wedding. By the end of the story the woman's eyes were as wide as her grin.
"That's quite a story. Where are you headed now? Is your program in London finished?"
"No," Bella sighed. "I got a call from my brother a couple of days ago; my dad is in the hospital. He thought I should come home."
"I'm so sorry dear. I hope all is well." She looked up as the pilot's voice came over the speaker. "Looks like we are ready to deplane, dear. It was nice meeting you. She leaned over the aisle and hugged Bella. "Blessings on you and your young man, dear." Before Bella could reply, she had picked up her bag and begun walking toward the now open door.
"Thanks for everything," Bella called after her. The woman turned and smiled at her just before ducking through the small door.
Bella picked up her own bag and moved towards the door of the mostly-empty plane. She exited the door and descended the stairs. She shivered as she crossed the wet tarmac, stumbling and slipping on an invisible patch of ice. Now that she was almost at the end of her journey her exhaustion was overwhelming. She concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other as she walked through the small building towards baggage claim. She didn't see her sister-in-law until she felt warm arms encircle her.
"Bella, you look terrible," Alice said, hugging her tightly.
Bella chuckled. "Thanks."
"You aren't offended, you know what I mean." She pulled back and examined Bella's face. "How long has it been since you slept?"
"I don't know. A long time."
Alice took Bella's bag and slung it over her shoulder. "Jasper's with the car so we don't get towed. Let's go get your suitcase." She held Bella's hand and pulled her to the carousel where luggage was beginning to topple out of a window onto the moving belt beneath. "Which one is yours?"
Bella pointed out a red case that had just fallen from the window, and the two women waited for it to move closer to their location. While they waited, Alice let go of Bella's hand and slid an arm around her waist. "Welcome home, Bella."
"Thanks."
Together they wrestled the case off the carousel and headed towards the glass doors in the front of the building. Through them Bella could see her brother leaning against his car. When he spotted them he moved to pull the doors open, and Bella found herself in his embrace as soon as she passed through them back into the cold. He held her tightly for a long time, and when he let her go Bella realized that Alice had put her bags in the trunk and was in the driver's seat. Jasper opened the back door for her, and then surprised her by getting in on the other side. He smiled at her confusion.
"I know how much you hate to fly. We thought maybe you'd like some company on the way home." As they pulled away from the curb, he tugged her into his side and wrapped his arms around her once again. She was asleep before they left the parking lot.
She awoke slowly to the sensation of being lifted. Jasper was picking her up out of the backseat, whispering to Alice about her suitcases. She shook her head sleepily and pushed at Jasper.
"I can walk, you don't have to carry me." She looked around and blinked hard, trying to clear the fog from her mind. "Where are we?"
Alice laughed quietly. "You really are out of it. We're at Edward's parents' house. We were going to stay at Charlie's but..." she trailed off into uncomfortable silence.
"Esme called me when she heard about dad and offered. Neither of us wanted to stay at his house if we didn't have to. We figured you wouldn't be thrilled about the idea either. Esme thought we would be more comfortable here, and she was right."
"What about...I thought we were going to the hospital?"
"It's too late to visit right now. We'll go in the morning."
As Jasper was finishing his sentence the front door opened and Esme emerged with Carlisle behind her. They crossed the driveway quickly and Esme wrapped her arms around Bella while Carlisle took the bags from Alice.
"Sweetheart." Esme's whispered greeting, her familiar scent, and her soft arms felt to Bella like coming home. She clung to her new mother-in-law until she heard Esme's voice again.
"Come in out of the cold. You must be tired and hungry." Bella nodded and allowed herself to be led inside the house.
The late dinner was simple, potato soup and baked chicken with homemade rolls. It was warm and filling, and Bella found herself nodding off halfway trough the meal.
"Sweetheart, you are dead on your feet. Would you like to go on to bed?" Bella accepted the offer gladly and trailed after Esme up the stairs.
"Alice and Jasper are in your usual room, so we thought we would put you in Edward's old bedroom, if that's alright?"
"That's fine," Bella replied, smiling at the memory of the last time she'd been in Edward's old bed and the mental picture of Edward in his too-small pajamas. She followed Esme into the room and saw that her suitcase was already there, lying on top of the low dresser. She turned as Esme emerged from the attached bathroom.
"There are clean towels and toiletries, but please feel free to ask if you need anything."
"Esme, thank you so much for...well, for everything." Bella gave the other woman a shaky smile.
"Darling, it's the least we can do for our daughter." Esme punctuated the statement by wrapping Bella up in her embrace once again. "We are so thrilled to have you here, and so, so happy you are really our daughter, finally. I wish it were under better circumstances, but please understand that we love you and you are always welcome here, with or without Edward."
"Thanks. I'm happy to be here." Bella squeezed Esme and pulled away. Both women laughed and wiped their eyes. "I'm glad to be your daughter too."
"We'll talk in the morning, alright? Get some sleep." Esme kissed Bella on the forehead and left the room, closing the door behind her. Bella managed to strip down to a camisole and underwear before she fell into bed.
Some time later she was startled awake when she felt the bed move. She was frightened until she felt a familiar arm slide over her waist.
"Edward?" She turned her head to see the face of her husband inches away.
"Shh, baby, it's me. Go back to sleep." He pulled her back tightly against his body and kissed her shoulder, then burrowed his face into her hair. She felt him inhale deeply. She turned over and wrapped her arms around him, snuggling herself as close to him as she could, her face against his chest.
"What are you doing here?" Her voice was muffled against his skin.
"What?" She felt the vibration of his chuckle through her whole body.
She pulled back far enough to be able to see his face in the dim room. She reached up and traced his features with her fingertips, as if to reassure herself that he was real.
"How are you here?"
"I drove, love." He smiled at her softly.
"No silly, why? Aren't you supposed to be off with the band somewhere? Not that I'm complaining," she added, pressing herself against him and wrapping her arm back around his torso. She rubbed the skin of his back idly as he answered.
"Bella, baby, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. We were playing in Tacoma tonight, and we were in Seattle last night, so I had my car. I knew you were going to be staying here, so I left after the show and drove."
"What time is it?"
"It's about four am, I think. The show ended about midnight."
"You drove from Seattle to Forks in the middle of the night? Aren't you exhausted?"
"I needed you way more than I needed sleep."
She reached up to stroke the skin of his cheek. She could feel his smile.
"You're really here."
"I'm really here."
He looked down at her another moment, and then lowered his mouth to hers. She lost herself in his lips and body against hers, sleep entirely forgotten.
****r~d****
Edward entered the room after taking a shower the next morning to find his wife sitting up in bed laughing.
"What's so funny, baby?"
"I was just thinking - we seem to specialize in uncomfortable beds. You think we'll ever get to make love in anything bigger than a twin?"
"Nah, I was thinking we should go smaller. Maybe one of those rollaway beds like they have in hotel rooms or an army cot."
"We could just get a yoga mat. Cheaper than a bed anyway."
"You calling me cheap, woman?" Edward poked at her side and she giggled, twisting away from him.
"If the cheap shoe fits poorly, buy it. With a coupon, of course." She stuck her tongue out at him and he began tickling her in earnest. She writhed and shrieked and tried desperately to escape his torturous fingers, but he pinned her to the bed and continued tickling until she was screaming with laughter and tears were streaming down her face. He pulled back and hovered over her, his face inches from hers.
"Do you take it back?" he asked, his fingers wiggling next to her ribs.
"Hmmm...maybe..." She squirmed as he again began poking at her sides and gasped out "yes, yes, I take it back!" He smiled at her before he spoke.
"Good, because I have been doing a little thinking of my own." His fingers widened to surround her ribcage.
"Really, what were you thinking?" She gasped as his hands began to move.
"That I haven't seen my wife in three weeks, and I'm probably going to need another shower," he said before lowering his body onto hers.
They descended the stairs sometime later, and were greeted with whistles, catcalls, and applause from the family gathered in the kitchen. Bella blushed and hid her face in Edward's shoulder, but Edward just grinned at the attention.
"What?" he asked innocently. "We were tired. I didn't get here until four am, after all."
"Yeah, I'm sure sleep is what occupied you two half the morning." Alice grinned gleefully at them, along with the rest of the family, as they sat and began eating breakfast.
****r~d****
All would have been silent if not for the beeping of the heart monitor and the ambient noise of the hospital outside the oppressive white box of the room. The cheap cushions on the bench seat where Bella sat did little to add comfort to the hard plastic. She watched her father. Given his current state, there was surprisingly little machinery attached to him. A gray clip pinched the end of his index finger to monitor his heart rate and blood oxygen levels. A clear tube ran under his nose to aid his breathing. Although she couldn't see it, she knew there was a catheter emerging from the blanket on the other side of the bed, attached to a bag she preferred not to think about. She stared at him, mentally cataloguing the changes. He had seemed smaller the last time she had seen him in the waiting room of this same hospital, but now it was apparent that he had lost a significant amount of weight. His skin was sallow and hung loosely from the bones of his face. Apart from the shallow rise and fall of his chest, he was abnormally still.
He wasn't entirely unconscious anymore; he had roused partially several times since his admittance days earlier. Malnutrition and dehydration had caused his collapse at work, and thanks to the ministrations of the medical staff at the hospital those had been alleviated. The real problem was not going to be so simple to deal with.
"Advanced cirrhosis of the liver", the kind-eyed doctor had told her and Jasper that morning, "most likely caused by alcohol abuse, complicated by poor diet and self-care." He theorized that Charlie had felt ill for some time and that the nausea and lack of appetite symptomatic of the disease, combined with his penchant for drinking himself into a stupor every night after work, had caused the dehydration and malnutrition. If the condition had been diagnosed at an earlier stage the possibilities for treatment would be better. The doctor, not much older than Bella and Jasper, had trailed off in his explanation and looked at the two of them. "I'm so sorry," he'd said, then shook both of their hands and turned to walk away down the hallway.
Jasper didn't see the point in staying. He said that Charlie probably wasn't cognizant of anyone's presence in the room in his current state and he refused to sit in a room with someone whom he didn't want to be around even when he was conscious. Edward had stayed home to sleep in preparation for the drive back to Seattle that night. The band had one last performance before they took a week off for Christmas.
After Edward explained the tour itinerary, Bella had been impressed with how well everything was planned. They spent the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas traveling south down I-5 from Vancouver so that they were back home in time to take time off for the holiday. After playing a New Year's Eve show in Tacoma they would resume their trek southward, all the way down the coast of California to San Diego and across Arizona to Phoenix. After Phoenix they would head north again, farther inland this time, until they returned to Washington in June. It was a long trip, and Bella's heart ached to travel it with him.
The door opened, catching her attention. A nurse came in and smiled at Bella as she checked Charlie's vitals. Bella chuckled at the printed characters on the woman's scrubs.
"He hates Spongebob. If he were awake he would probably be grumbling about it."
"Is that true Charlie? How about you open those eyes and tell me so yourself?" Her voice was low, smooth and dark, like good coffee. She looked over at Bella, her face serious but kind.
"Are you his daughter?"
Bella stood and extended her hand, nodding at the woman's question. "My name is Bella."
"I'm Sue Clearwater. I'm sorry about your dad."
"Thanks."
"It's good of you to sit with him. It always makes me sad when patients are here all alone for days on end." She crossed the room and opened a narrow door. She indicated its contents to Bella before she spoke again.
"There are blankets and pillows in here if you want them. Those window seats aren't very comfortable."
"Yeah, it kind of sucks. But I'm not staying much longer. I'm leaving in a little while to go to Seattle with my boy-" she paused before correcting herself. "With my husband."
Sue smiled gently. "New title?"
Bella nodded, her cheeks reddening.
"You're awful young. How long you been married?"
"Almost a month." Bella twisted the heavy ring on her left hand.
"Was your Daddy able to give you away?" Sue looked down at the man on the bed and adjusted the sensor on his index finger.
"No, I was in London. It was sort of unexpected."
"London hunh? Sounds romantic. I bet he was sorry he missed it."
Bella shrugged in response, blinking hard to restrain the tears she felt pricking her eyes.
Sue cleared her throat. "Well, honey, I'll be here until midnight, if you need anything, just call, okay?" She laid a hand on Bella's shoulder and squeezed gently. The gesture was surprisingly reassuring, and Bella smiled a goodbye at the kind woman as she left the room. The door clicked quietly as it closed behind her. Bella contemplated her father for a long moment, before she began to speak in a voice barely above a whisper.
"Were you dad? Were you sorry you missed it?" The only reply was the silence of the room, and the shallow rise and fall of her father's chest.
"Are you sorry about anything? Any of it?" Bella swiped an impatient hand across the moisture on her face as her voice began to rise. "Are you sorry you drank yourself into a hospital bed? Are you sorry about all the yelling, or all the hateful things you said to me? Are you sorry about the bruises? Were you ever sorry that you made your children despise you?"
There was no response, not even the flicker of an eyelid or the twitch of a finger.
"I feel sorry for you. You're going to die alone and miserable, and no one will miss you. You will never get to know your grandchildren. You'll never get the chance to make anything right. You were never happy, and now you'll never get the chance to be."
"I'm tired of you, dad. I'm tired of hearing your voice in my head telling me how I'm not good enough. I'm tired of being afraid all the time that maybe you were right, and I really am just a useless piece of shit. I'm tired of hiding and running away. I'm tired of being broken."
"You were wrong. I'm not stupid. I'm not ugly. I'm not a waste of oxygen or space. I'm smart, and funny, and quirky, and even if I don't know yet what it is, someday I am going to do something really well. And you know what, dad, it doesn't matter what that something is. Maybe I'll be a professor, or a writer, or maybe I'll just carry the speakers for Edward's band, but it doesn't matter because I will be doing what makes me happy. Me. Not you, not mom, not Jasper, not even Edward. Me, your daughter who was never good enough, because I am tired of not being good enough.
"You know the worst part? You're my father. You were supposed to be the person who protected me, not the person I needed protection from, and neither of us can ever go back and fix it. You can't go back and be a good father, and I can't go back and stand up to you and tell you how wrong you were to say and do those things to your daughter."
"Most of all, I'm tired of being angry with you. I have my own life to lead, and my own baggage to deal with; I can't keep carrying yours around too. So I'm done. It's over, dad. I refuse to be angry with you any more. I refuse to listen to your lies playing in my head. I forgive you. I am choosing not to let you hurt me any more. If you ever decide you want to be a real father, and you want your daughter back, let me know."
She gazed down though blurred, burning eyes at the fragile man covered in a white blanket in the narrow bed. He hadn't moved through her tirade. His chest rose and fell in the same rhythm. The heart monitor beeped quietly in an unchanging pace. His face remained still.
"Goodbye, dad." She picked up her bag, turned away from the bed, and walked out of the door.
****r~d****
"You alright?" Edward reached over the console between them to lay his hand on Bella's thigh. He squeezed and she covered his hand in hers. He flipped his over so that they could weave their fingers together.
"Why do you ask?"
"You're awfully quiet."
"Tired I guess. Jetlagged. A little overwrought." She turned to smile at him. "I'm happy to be going with you tonight though. I'm actually so excited I might explode into a thousand little happy Bella pieces."
"Please don't. I would prefer one intact Bella; it would be hard to take a thousand pieces home after the show. And I am taking you home after the show." He smirked at her, and she grinned back.
"I hadn't thought about that! Back home home? Our apartment home?"
"Yep. I thought you might rather stay there tonight instead of driving back to Forks in the middle of the night. Plus, there are bonuses to being back in our apartment - like privacy." He raised his eyebrows at her and smiled.
"And a king sized bed."
"That too." Edward released her hand and began to stroke the inside of her arm. "Why are you overwrought?" He laughed at Bella's sigh. "Did you really think I could be sidetracked that easily?"
"It was worth a try." She turned away to gaze out the window.
"Bella, we have," Edward paused and looked down at his phone, "two hours before we arrive in Seattle. I think I can get it out of you in that time. What's going on in your beautiful mind?"
"I guess...I sort of...had it out with my father today."
Edward looked at her quizzically. "Bella, did your father wake up? Jasper didn't say anything about that."
"No," Bella replied sheepishly. "He was unconscious."
A smile toyed at the corners of Edward's mouth. "You had it out with your father while he was in a coma?"
"He's not in a coma, really." She shrugged.
"Okay, you had it out with your father while he was in a not-really coma?"
Bella sighed. "I suppose you could say that."
Edward moved his hand to her knee and squeezed gently. "I think I'm going to need a little more information, baby."
Bella was quiet for a moment before she began speaking. "I was sitting there, watching him...well, I guess he's sleeping, sort of. Anyway, I was sitting there watching him and thinking about everything. You, me, London, my mom, all the stuff we fought about before I left, the way I was so unhappy all the time no matter what was going on...it was all on a continuous loop in my head. I thought about the last time I had seen Charlie, and the story your mom told me about her first husband, and what you told me about her parents and how they never forgave her for divorcing him. All of this crazy stuff kept circling around in my head, and I was trying to figure out what it all meant."
"I almost destroyed the best thing in my life, and if you had asked me why, I couldn't have explained it to you. I wasn't the first time I had pushed someone away and destroyed a relationship, but it was definitely the worst. I spent the whole time I was in London trying to convince myself that it was your fault. I tried so hard to be angry with you. I wouldn't talk to anyone about you. Alec knew there had been a guy, and he figured out I was hurting, but he didn't even know your name until the day you showed up. In the end, I couldn't be mad at you; I could only be mad at myself. I knew it was my fault, but I didn't understand why I did any of it. It was so frustrating. I felt completely stymied by my own thought processes. I would go out with people, or study more than I needed to, or try and work on my thesis to try and stop thinking about it - to stop thinking about you- but it never worked."
Edward moved his hand from her leg to the back of her neck. He stroked her hairline comfortingly, but did not speak. He waited silently for her to continue.
"I started drinking a lot after a while. It was all too much - moving, breaking up with you, trying to cope with everything - I didn't handle it well. I kept picturing my father sitting in front of his television, downing beer after beer until he was stone drunk." Bella laughed, a short, humorless bark. "When I was a kid I used to get so mad about all the money he spent on beer. I would ask for money to do whatever and he would lecture me about how money didn't grow on trees and we couldn't afford for me to have everything I wanted, but he never seemed to have any problem buying all that alcohol. I added it up once when I was about fifteen. I don't remember how much I came up with, but I know I was astonished at the amount." She looked down at her hands and realized that they were clenched tightly. She released them and laced her fingers together.
"Anyway, I thought about all that and I was scared. I was terrified that I was going to turn into him. I was terrified that I would turn into my mother, all bitter and hateful and judgmental. I was so scared of the future, and I was unhappy in the present, and I felt like my past was stalking me. It sucked."
He ran his fingers down her neck to her shoulder and squeezed the muscle there gently. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to help you."
She reached up, took his hand, and brought it down to her lap. "I had a lot of time to think while I was in London, particularly after I stopped going out drinking. My head was an ugly place to be. But I kind of figured some stuff out, which in part resulted in me writing that letter. I wasn't brave enough to send it, though."
"God bless Jane." Edward smiled over at her.
"Indeed. She might have been a bear to live with, but I will always be thankful she mailed that letter." Bella brought his hand to her lips and kissed his knuckles before dropping it back into her lap.
"Me too." He paused momentarily. "Bella, I'm glad you're telling me all this, and I will listen as long as you need to talk, but you still haven't told me what happened with your father in the hospital."
"I'm getting there, I promise."
"Okay, take as much time as you need."
"While I was sitting in that hospital room, everything just seemed to pour down on me all at once. I was trying to sort through all of my thoughts when a nurse came in to check on Charlie. She was nice; we made small talk, and she asked about the wedding. Specifically, she asked if he had been there to give me away. When I told her no, she said she thought he was sorry he missed it. When she said that something in my mind sort of...snapped, I guess. I don't know if Charlie has ever been sorry for anything, but he certainly never said he was. I wondered if he was sorry he missed my wedding, and then I wondered if he was sorry for anything at all. If he was, he certainly never mentioned it."
Edward squeezed her thigh when she fell silent. "Bella, I...I don't want to be nosy, and I don't want you to feel pressured, but...well, you've referenced things that happened with your father in the past, and I don't know what you're talking about. If you aren't comfortable sharing, then you don't have to. But if you want to talk about it, I'm willing to listen."
Bella was quiet for so long that Edward began to wonder if he had made a mistake by asking. He was about to apologize when she asked in a small voice, "are you sure?"
"Yes." His answer was low but firm.
"There are things...once you know, you can't un-know."
"Baby, you don't have to carry everything all by yourself."
"All right." Bella took a deep breath. "Charlie drank a lot, you know that. He never let it interfere with his job as far as I know, but he would come home every day and drink until he was plastered. He's not such a bad guy when he's sober - I mean, he's not a sitcom dad or anything, but he's not horrible. I think he just doesn't know how to be a father. His parents died when he was a teenager, and even though he doesn't talk about it much, I know he bounced around a lot while he was in high school. He and Mom were really young when they got married. Their anniversary was in January and Jasper's birthday is in August. I never discussed it with either of them, but I can do math, and I've seen their wedding pictures. It was pretty obviously a rushed event. I think he found himself in a life he never planned for and he didn't know how to handle it."
"That makes sense."
"Renee's...difficult, as you know. They were both kind of trapped, I think, and they were both unhappy. Renee tried to compensate by being perfect, and Dad drank, I don't know, to forget, I guess?"
"He would lose control sometimes. He never really hit me, it was more sort of… accidental stuff...he would grab me, or shove me when he was mad. A couple of times he threw me against a wall. It wasn't all the time, I really was a clumsy kid, but it was enough."
Edward took a deep breath in an attempt to control the rage he felt building in his body. Coma be damned, he wanted to drive back to the hospital and administer some bruises himself. "What did your mother do?"
"She pretty much just looked the other way. Sometimes she would try to get him to stop, but usually it happened so fast there was nothing anyone could do. She told me it was my fault, that I made him mad and he couldn't help it. Lots of times it happened after I fought with her, so she was already mad at me anyway. She wouldn't ever say anything to anyone about it; that would mean admitting that she wasn't the best mother ever, and that we weren't the perfect little family she wanted people to think we were."
"Where was Jasper when all this was going on? I can't imagine him dealing with any of that very well."
"He didn't. He wasn't always around to see it happening, but when he did - it was awful, Edward. You know he had a really volatile temper - big shock, growing up with Charlie - and a few times I really thought he and dad were going to kill each other. I tried as much as I could to hide things from him. I didn't ever want him to know. I was so afraid that Charlie would throw him in jail if he went too far. He got the hell out of the house as soon as he graduated. He went halfway across the country. I don't blame him."
When he replied, Edward's voice was tense. "I am so, so sorry you had to deal with that. I wish I had known...I kind of suspected, but I never knew how bad it was. I don't know what I could have done, but I wish I could have done something."
"You did do something. You were my friend. You and your parents gave me a safe place to go. You have no idea how much that meant - how much it still means. But Edward, the physical stuff wasn't all. It gets worse."
"There's more? What could be worse than hitting your kid?"
"Yeah, there's more. You're already upset, baby. Are you sure you want to hear the rest?"
Edward sat and thought for a moment, his hand clenching on the steering wheel, before he answered.
"Yes. Tell me."
"Okay." Bella took a deep breath. "You know how I said Charlie didn't know how to be a father?" Edward nodded tightly. "Well, his idea of parenting was to criticize. He was always really disparaging about everything, and it got worse as I got older. According to him, my room was never clean enough, my grades were never good enough, and I didn't know my place. I wasn't a bad kid, but I was a kid, and he wasn't good at dealing with even normal behavior. The more I grew up, the less he could handle it. So he..." Bella trailed off.
Edward waited, giving her space to talk.
She finally continued in a tiny, hesitant voice. "He made fun of me. He would say really terrible things to me and about me to other people. He said-"
"Bella, stop." Edward took her hand and squeezed it tightly. "I get the idea."
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." Her gaze dropped to her lap, and she pulled her hand way from his, twisting her fingers together.
Neither spoke until Edward pulled the car into the parking lot of a gas station beside the highway a few minutes later. He placed his hand gently on Bella's cheek and turned her so he could look into her face.
"Bella, I'm glad you talked about it. I wanted you to talk about it. Please understand, I didn't stop you because I was upset at you. I stopped you because whatever it is he said doesn't need to be repeated any more. It's bad enough that he said it the first time. I stopped you because I didn't want you to have to say it, or ever hear it again. It's over."
"That's what I told him." Bella's voice was quiet but steady.
"What?"
"That's what I told Charlie in the hospital room. I told him that it was over. I told him that I was tired of hearing his voice in my head all the time. I told him I was tired of being unhappy because of what he did. The I told him that I forgave him."
"You do? Bella, how..."
"I'm not saying what he did was okay, it wasn't. But it's not helping anyone for me to walk around all day being upset about it, or being mad at him. So I decided it was time to let it go."
"I don't want you to be around him if he if going to keep saying those things, Bella."
She reached the short distance to his face and smoothed the wrinkle that had formed on his forehead. "Don't worry. I don't want to be around him either. If he decides to change, then I will give him a second chance. If not, then we're done. Either way, I am finished letting him hurt me."
Edward looked at his wife with new admiration. He had always known she was strong, but this we beyond anything he had ever heard from her before. His heart swelled at her courage.
"I love you, baby. I'm really proud of you." He leaned over the console and pressed a soft kiss to her lips.
"Thanks," she said, after he pulled away. "I'm kind of proud of myself, too. Now, don't we have a concert to get to?"
****r~d****
The car was quiet as they traveled back to their apartment after the show. The streets were mostly deserted, shining with reflected light from the streetlights on the pavement, wet from the December rain. Bella gazed out the windshield, her mind whirling with the events of the past twenty-four hours.
"You tired?" he asked, reaching over the console to take her hand.
She nodded but did not speak.
"I would be surprised if you weren't. It has been quite an eventful couple of days."
She nodded again.
"We'll be home soon. It will probably be cold though - I turned the heat off since I wasn't going to be there. But we have lots of blankets, and I'm pretty sure I can keep you warm."
"I know you can," she replied, a half smile on her face, "I've experienced it."
"Can you believe it's been almost a year since that storm?"
"Weird. Part of me feels like it's been much longer than that, but part of me feels like it all just happened. A lot has changed since then."
Edward parked the car and got out, circling around to open Bella's door before removing a bag from the trunk. They were only staying one night, and they both still had stuff in the apartment, so they had only brought a few necessities.
Bella paused in the hallway outside their apartment. . "The last time I was here both of us were pretty miserable." She took a breath before she continued. "I am really sorry I hurt you, Edward."
Edward dropped the suitcase on the floor and put a hand on each of her shoulders. He looked down at her face as he spoke. "I forgave you a long time ago, Bella. Stop beating yourself up about it. Everything is different now."
"I know, I just wanted to say it before we went in and I had to face all of the memories." She wrapped her arms around herself as if to ward off a chill.
"Come on, we'll make some new ones." He turned the key and they entered the dark apartment. It was indeed cold, and had the musty smell of a room too long shut up and unoccupied. He flipped the switch next to the front door to reveal the familiar room, covered in a fine layer of dust.
"It looks different," Bella observed, looking around. "What changed?"
Edward shrugged in response. "It's dusty."
"That's not it...oh." Bella closed her mouth tightly.
"What is it?"
"There aren't any pictures."
"Oh, yeah. That."
Once upon a time there had been lots of pictures of the two of them scattered around the room - one of them together at Jasper and Alice's wedding; a shot of them at Chuck E. Cheese with everyone on Bella's birthday; the two of them in college, Bella's tongue stuck out at him; their intertwined hands with Bella's engagement ring visible. Esme had even dug up a prom picture and framed it for them. They were all gone.
He came to her and slipped his arm around her waist. "I'm sorry, it was just too much to see them every day. I didn't burn them or anything; they're all in a drawer."
"It's fine. I understand. I probably would have done the same thing."
"Come here, I want to show you something." He took her hand and pulled her into his bedroom. He directed her to sit down on the bed and opened the top drawer of his nightstand. From its interior he extracted a frame and handed it to her.
The picture had been taken one Saturday morning in July on the way to the farmer's market. Bella had been grumbling about the early hour and he had been teasing and tickling her to try to lift her mood. In this shot, she was looking over her shoulder, laughing at something he'd said. He had snapped it with his phone, and then she had yelled at him for taking her picture when she wasn't wearing any makeup.
She traced the shape of her face, lightly touching the glass. "You kept this?"
He sat down next to her. "It's my favorite picture of you. You were so beautiful. We were so happy."
"I was a mess."
"I disagree, but even if you were, you were my mess. My beautiful, darling, amazing mess. Some nights when I missed you so much I...I would look at the picture and hope that, whatever you were doing, you were that happy."
Without a word, Bella laid the frame on the table.
"I'm that happy right now," she said, and then she pulled his mouth to hers and no more words were needed.
They slept in the next morning, both of them exhausted by the events of the past day and their late night reconnecting in Edward's big bed. Weak winter sunlight was streaming through Edward's windows when her growling stomach finally woke Bella up. She lay there gazing at her husband for a few minutes until he awoke as well.
"Hi."
"Hi." He grinned at her sleepily and his eyes drifted closed again.
"I've decided I am a fan of the big bed," she said with a smirk.
"Are you now?" he replied, his eyes still closed. "Why is that?"
"More room to stretch," she answered, matching her actions to her words.
Edward opened his eyes and admired her body as she stretched. "If that's the case, then I'm a fan as well." He reached over and began caressing her stomach, but halted when it rumbled loudly beneath his hand. They both laughed.
"I guess that's my cue to feed you, hunh?"
"It might be." She stood and began rifling through their suitcase for her clothes. She looked over her shoulder to see Edward ogling her backside.
"Take a picture, it'll last longer."
"Okay." Before she could react, he lifted his iphone from where it lay on his nightstand, and snapped a picture.
"Aaaaaah!" Bella screamed and clutched her shirt to her body, covering her bare body. "Edward! Delete that!" She scrambled toward him over the bed, but he ran away to the other side of the room.
"Nope. I think I'll make it my wallpaper."
"You better not! Gimme that phone!" He held it up over his head, and she smacked him on the shoulder.
"No way. You're the one who told me to take a picture." He smiled a mischievous half-smile and quirked an eyebrow at her.
"You're a pain in the ass, Edward Cullen!"
"What, this ass?" He reached around and pinched her. She squeaked in shock.
"You're in so much trouble, mister!"
"What? I couldn't resist. It's the most magnificent ass I've ever seen. In fact..." He trailed off as he lifted her and dropped her face down on the bed. She immediately attempted to get up, but he held her down with one hand and squeezed her right cheek with the other.
"Yep, best ass ever."
****r~d****
It was quite a bit later when Bella's growling stomach once again reminded them that it was past time for breakfast. Since Edward had been gone for several weeks there wasn't much food in the apartment, so they decided to stop on their way back to Forks.
"So, husband," Bella said between mouthfuls of pancakes, "would you like to tell me why your violinist was shooting me death glares all though your show last night?"
Edward choked, coughed, and frantically grabbed his water glass. He gulped down half the contents before he replied.
"You...she...what was that?"
"Your violinist. Pretty girl, red hair, long legs...Kate told me her name, it's something sort of odd..."
"Makenna."
"Yeah, that's it! She spent all night glaring at me like I'd just kicked her puppy. I asked Kate about it - she's great, by the way - and she changed the subject, so I figured something had to be up. So...what's going on?"
"Nothing's going on."
"Come on Edward, there has to be some reason she was eye-stabbing me all night. I'm not upset. I just want to know. Did I accidentally kick her puppy?"
"No, um...Makenna...well, she...she and I, we...we may have...datedalittlebit." Edward stumbled over the words, the end of the sentence coming out so fast as to be nearly incomprehensible.
"You what?"
"We dated. A little bit."
"Oh." Bella looked down at her plate and stabbed at a piece of pancake with her fork.
"It was while you were gone...baby, please understand, I was in a really bad place, and she liked me, and I thought that maybe if I started seeing someone else that I could stop hurting so much."
"I understand, Edward." Bella looked up into his eyes. "I get it. I told you to see other people; I guess I just never thought about you actually doing it. Well, not doing it, doing it...oh God, you didn't, did you?"
"No! No, Bella, no. It was nothing like that. We went out a few times. We saw movies and ate dinner together, or hung out with the rest of the band. I held her hand. We kissed a few times."
"Okay, okay, I don't need details."
Edward reached across the table and took Bella's hand in his, stilling her mutilation of the pancake left on her plate.
"Bella, at the first hint that you might want to see me I blew her off to fly halfway across the world to you. She's a nice girl, and I like her, but she's not you."
"I get it, Edward. I'm not upset, and I trust you. I just wasn't expecting that. She's clearly angry with me, and I've never even met her."
"She didn't take it well."
"Edward! You're alive!" Garrett's loud greeting ruined Edward's plan to remain low profile.
"Yep, I'm alive." He dropped his bags next to the door of Garrett's garage and was crossing the large space to speak with the rest of the band when he was nearly knocked breathless by Makenna's sudden embrace.
"Edward!" Before he could react, she kissed him hard on the lips. "Where the hell have you been? I emailed, and called and called, but you never answered. I was so worried!" She hugged him tightly once again, and Edward saw the rest of the band members very deliberately looking anywhere but at the two of them. Edward inwardly squirmed. He extracted himself from her embrace and stepped back. Her face fell into a pout.
"Makenna, we need to talk."
"Yeah, I got that from your very informative four-word email. We were supposed to go out, Edward! What's going on?"
"I'd rather talk in private." Edward looked over at Garrett. "Hey, is there somewhere we could go for a few minutes?"
Garrett raised his eyebrows and smirked. "Sure, you guys can go in the living room. Through that door, other side of the kitchen." He indicated the doorway into the house. "Don't be too long though, we need to be out of here soon and we still have to load up."
"No problem. Thanks." Makenna followed Edward into the house through the kitchen and into the living room. He waited until she sat down on the sofa before he spoke.
"Makenna, I have to tell you something. Please just hear me out before you say anything, okay?"
A look of suspicion crossed her face, but she nodded and sat silently.
"Before I met you there was a girl...her name is Bella. We grew up together, we were roommates after we finished undergrad, and last winter, we fell in love." Edward began to pace around the room as he continued. "I asked her to marry me and she said yes, but then she got the opportunity to study in London. Things got all messed up and she broke off the engagement. She went to London and I started recording with you guys. I was pretty heartbroken."
"I remember. You were mopey all the time."
"Right. Back before Thanksgiving, I was...moping, as you say, and Garrett suggested that I should try dating again to try and get over her. Kate told me you liked me."
"I did. I do."
"I know. So I took a chance and asked you out." He stopped walking and turned to face her. "Please understand, Makenna, I never meant to hurt you or cause any problems for you. I like you. You're a great girl. You're beautiful, and lots of fun, and any guy would be lucky to have you."
Her expression hardened and her eyes narrowed. "What are you trying to tell me, Edward?"
He turned away from her and again began circling the room. "The day I got back from visiting my parents there was a letter from Bella in my mailbox. She told me she missed me and that it had been a mistake for her to break up with me. So I went to London."
"You did what?" Makenna rose up from her seat and stood facing him, her arms crossed over her chest.
"I went to London. I had to see if she meant it. I had to know of there was a chance for us."
"And what exactly did she say when you showed up on her doorstep? Did she try to get you to take her back?"
Edward sighed. "Please don't be angry, Kenna. I told you, I like you, but...I love her."
"So what happened, Edward?"
Edward stopped pacing but remained where he stood, his face turned away from her. "We got married."
In the dead silence that followed this information Edward turned to see that Makenna's eyes were wide and her mouth had dropped open. He dared hope for a moment that the worst was over.
He was wrong.
"YOU WHAT?" Edward cringed at the volume of Makenna's shriek, sure that not only the band on the garage but all of Garrett's neighbors had probably heard.
"I went to London and while I was there we got married."
Makenna's voice dropped, but it's tone sent chills down Edward's spine. "So let me get this straight. You asked me out because you were on the rebound from some girl who dumped you, then after we'd been dating for a month you ditch me without so much as a text message to go running when you think this girl might want you back. You fly all the way to Europe to see her, you don't bother to tell anyone where you are, you ignore all my calls and emails so I worry myself to death, and then you MARRY HER?"
"Well, when you put it that way it sounds really bad, but yeah."
"So where is she, Edward? Is she coming with us? Were you planning on asking anyone if that was all right, or were you just going to show up and hope she could tag along? That's cozy - you, your girlfriend, and YOUR WIFE!"
"I'm sorry, Kenna, I didn't mean to hurt you, it happened really fast, and-"
"And you couldn't be bothered to send a text message? Hi Kenna, sorry we can't go to the movies, I'm busy flying to London to marry the girl who broke my heart! So sorry, sucks to be you!"
Edward's voice rose a bit. "Kenna, I said I'm sorry. Maybe I didn't handle everything perfectly, but there's no need to be rude."
Makenna laughed, a short, mirthless explosion of sound. "Rude? I guess you would know rude since it seems you invented the concept. Was that before or after you crowned yourself king of the dickheads?" With those words, she turned and left the room. Edward heard the door to the garage slam behind her. He leaned his forehead against the wall and groaned.
"You alright?" He heard Garrett's voice in the room behind him and stood up.
"That didn't go well."
"So we heard." Garrett chuckled. "You got married, hunh? Makenna filled us in on the married part. Also on the asshole part, but that might have been an exaggeration."
"Not really. I should have handled this differently."
"Oh well, live and learn, right? If nothing else, you'll have lots of time to think about it while you're shut up in a van with her for the next four hours or so."
"Shit." Edward leaned forward and banged his forehead on the wall.
"Come on, Romeo, let's get loaded up." Garrett clapped Edward on the shoulder. "The sooner we get started, the sooner you can lock yourself in your room away from her."
"Didn't take it well?"
"I should have done things differently. Obviously I don't regret going to London or marrying you, but I hate that she got hurt in the process. I should have called her before I left, or at least sent a text message so she wouldn't worry."
"What was that you told me last night about beating myself up over stuff in the past?"
Edward's face twisted. "I know, I just hate the way things turned out, and I really hate that you have to deal with the consequences of my stupid decisions."
"It will be okay. I can handle a little eye-stabbing in the name of love." Bella grinned across the table at him. "Any other girls I should know about?"
"Well, I have another wife and six kids in Utah. That's not a problem, is it?"
"Is she smarter than me?"
"No way. She's never even heard of Shakespeare."
"Well then, that's no problem."
"You finished making minced pancakes?"
Bella looked down at her plate at the completely destroyed remnants of her breakfast. She flushed. "I think so. If the pieces get any smaller they'll be pancake molecules. Let's go."
****r~d****
His room had not changed significantly in the time she'd been gone. The walls were still just as white and sterile. The machines still beeped the same tones and rhythms, and the bench in front of the window was just as uncomfortable. The only thing in the room that had changed was Charlie.
He was awake.
Jasper was waiting in the hallway outside Charlie's room when Bella arrived.
"He's been asking for you," he told her. His face was drawn and he looked tired.
"Really? How long has he been awake?" Bella was surprised at the news. Before she left they told her he had stirred a few times, but he had not regained full consciousness and he definitely had not spoken.
"Woke up sometime yesterday, they think. What time did you leave? Was he still out when you were here?"
"Yeah, he was still asleep when I left. Edward had to be back in Seattle by eight, the show was at nine, and we wanted to have plenty of time to get there in case traffic was bad. So, it was what, about three when you came to pick me up?" She turned to Edward questioningly, and he nodded in reply.
"The nurse said she came in about five and he was conscious. He hadn't called for anyone, he was just sitting there, wide awake."
"Wow."
"Yep."
"Has he said anything? Have you talked to him?"
Jasper shuffled his feet and looked at the floor. "He's sort of...odd, Bella. I came down after they called me last night and when I went in he just sat there for a long time, kind of looking at the wall. I asked him how he was feeling and he turned and looked at me but he didn't say anything. I was about to call the nurse when he said 'I feel different'. I asked him if it was good different or bad different and he told me he didn't really know, he just felt different. I tried to talk to him a few more times but he never responded with more than one or two words, so finally I went home. I haven't been in yet today; I was waiting for you."
"What did his doctor say?" Edward stepped closer behind Bella and rested his hands on her hips as he asked the question.
"He said it was too early to really tell anything. It's good that he's awake, but whether he'll fully recover and how much damage has been done to his liver remains to be seen. He said a lot of it was up to dad. He'll have a better shot if he starts taking better care of himself, but I don't know if he'll actually do that."
"I doubt it." Bella turned and looked at the door. "We might as well go in. You coming?"
She turned the handle and pushed the heavy door open. As she entered the room she heard the drone of the television, a welcome change from the oppressive silence she had experienced earlier.
Charlie turned his head and watched as the three of them entered the room. Bella was the first to speak.
"Hi, dad."
"Bella. Jasper. Edward." Charlie's curt greeting came in a soft voice, rough from disuse. He coughed once.
"Dad."
"Chief Swan."
Charlie reached behind him and pressed a button on the large remote control that lay on the table next to him. The television died with a pop. The room was once again silent.
"How are you feeling, Chief?" Edward's words were forced and awkward, but Bella was thankful for his attempt. She had suspected that her interactions with her father would be challenging, but she never could have predicted this weight that hung in the air, almost like a curtain separating them.
"I feel...I feel different."
"Better, I hope?"
"Different."
With those words, the conversation died.
Bella sat down on the bench in the window. "You have a nice view, dad."
"Mmm-hmm."
Edward and Jasper looked at one another, matching expressions of desperation on both of their faces. Jasper shrugged and sat down in the only chair in the room, and Edward joined Bella on the bench. She felt him find her hand and twine their fingers firmly together.
Charlie noticed the movement. "Got married, did you?"
"Yes, sir." Edward's words were firm.
"Dad, I'm sorry you had to find out in an email, it was just...I...we...wanted you to hear it from us, not from some random gossip."
"I understand."
"I appreciated your response. It was nice." Bella's words were hesitant.
"And that surprised you." It wasn't a question. All three visitors reacted with shocked expressions at Charlie's words.
"Dad, I-"
Charlie interrupted her. "I'm not stupid, Bella. I know I can be a jackass. Hell, I've been a jackass most of your life."
Before Bella could respond, she heard Jasper begin to chuckle. All of them looked over at him. He saw them staring and grinned at his father.
"Old man, I think that might be the truest statement ever to come out of your mouth."
All three waited breathlessly for the inevitable explosion, but none came. Instead, Charlie began to laugh. The sound was hoarse and rough, as if it were coming from a machine badly in need of oil. They watched in amazement as he continued to laugh, and Bella felt giggles bubbling up from her belly. She began to laugh as well, and Edward joined her. Jasper's chuckles turned into guffaws. She looked over at her father to see tears streaming down his face.
Slowly the laughter began to die down and calm settled again over the room. The silence that fell this time was considerably more comfortable than what had filled the room minutes earlier.
"So tell me, Jasper, what did that young doctor tell you about me?"
"He said you've damaged your liver, and whether or not you get better is going to depend mostly on you."
"Hm. I guess I should talk to him myself to see what exactly that means."
"That's probably a good idea, dad."
"You all staying at the house?"
Bella answered. "Esme invited us to stay with them, so we're going to be there for the next few days."
"Makes sense. She's a good woman." Charlie nodded as if to emphasize his words. He addressed his next words to Bella, eyeing her and Edward's linked hands. "How long are you all planning to stay in town?"
"Through Christmas at least. Edward has to be back in Seattle to play on New Year's."
Charlie turned his eyes to Bella's face. "I thought you were supposed to be in London."
"I was. I came home when Jasper told me you were sick."
"When are you going back?"
Edward and Bella exchanged a look. "We're not sure yet, Dad. We'll wait and see how things go."
Charlie watched their exchange, then looked hard at Edward. "Is he taking good care of you?"
Bella glanced at her husband and smiled. "We're taking good care of each other."
They all chatted until Charlie started to seem tired. After saying their goodbyes, they walked out the door. Bella was the last to leave, and just before exiting she heard her father call her name.
"Bella, can you come back for a minute?"
She looked questioningly at Jasper, who shrugged, and then at Edward. "We'll be right out here," he reassured her. She squeezed his hand and then returned to Charlie's bedside.
"What do you need, dad?"
"I need to tell you..." Charlie looked up at her, but then redirected his gaze so that it fell just over her shoulder. "I want you to know that..." He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about...about a lot of stuff. I've been sorry most every day of my life for the past twenty years or so." His eyes fell to the white blanket covering his lap. "I thought...I thought you should know that."
Bella looked down at the man in the bed, frail and sick and broken, and she felt something lift, something she hadn't even realized she'd been carrying until that moment. She reached down and picked up his pale, thin hand.
"Thanks." She managed a thin smile, squeezed his hand, then turned and walked out of the room and into Edward's waiting arms.
He pulled her close then leaned back and reached up to trace the curve of her cheek.
"You okay?"
She nodded.
"Ready to go?"
She looked back for a moment at the door as it clicked closed behind her and then at the face of her brother. She raised her eyes to meet Edward's, took a deep breath, and smiled.
"I'm ready."
A/N – One chapter left until this journey comes to its end. Thanks so much for reading, reviewing, recommending, and supporting this story. Love to all!