Sorry for the long break, but school has started and I'm currently in my junior year. That means PSAT's, SAT's, graduation project, and PSSA's, so my year is pretty jampacked. Plus, I'm coaching a fall ball softball team for twelve year olds and because it's school season, that means visiting my best friend up in college every other weekend. That means that my story might take even longer to update than before (which is a long time, yes), but don't worry, I won't be just stopping the story! I've already written about four chapters of the next and final story and my whole computer is filled with random writing and drabbles that I'll be using with the upcoming chapter. Anyway, enjoy this one!

APOLOGIES AND DOUBTS.

Lupin didn't say anything about Cormac or Tonks when he and I walked back to our quarters together. It was completely silent, in fact, and the tension was high. My heart was racing with every step and I wanted nothing more than to run to one of my friends and cry – but who could I go to? Snape wouldn't listen to me. And I couldn't tell Tonks.

Tonks. The one person my age who I could talk to about everything and she'd support me and listen and offer good advice. The girl who convinced me that Lupin would come running back to me. The girl who told me he was in love with me and would always come back. The girl who agreed to help me win him back. She had stabbed me in the back, knowing I already felt so alone – knowing that I depended on her and needed her. She betrayed me and I don't know what hurt more: Lupin kissing her, or her going back on her promise.

Lupin held the door open for me, still without saying anything, and as soon as he shut the door behind him, I threw my shoes down and walked to the bedroom, grabbing a shirt and shorts and locking myself in the bathroom. I stripped out of my dress and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water hit my back.

I stood there for what seemed like an hour, waiting for Lupin to knock and ask if I was okay, or to unlock the door and sneak into the shower with me, like he usually did, but he didn't do anything. He didn't knock, didn't come in, and didn't ask if I was okay. He didn't ask me anything.

What worried me most was not that fact that he kissed her. In fact, the kiss wasn't even that bad – closed mouthed, awkward, and not too long – but I was worried that kissing her would trigger long lost feelings for him and he'd fall back in love with her. He claimed to have loved her a year ago; what was stopping him from falling for her again?

When the water turned ice cold, I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around me and grabbing my clothes. I changed in the bathroom and walked out, my hair sopping wet. Lupin was seated comfortably in an armchair in the corner of the room, reading. I frowned. He always read in bed, lying beside me.

I waved my wand around my head and dried my hair and laid down in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Are you coming to bed?" I asked him bravely. My voice was quiet.

"In a few minutes." Surprisingly, his tone wasn't harsh or cold.

I breathed in deeply.

"You should go to sleep. You seem tired and we've got to get up early tomorrow to catch the train," he whispered, marking his spot in the book by folding the corner of the page down.

I nodded. "I know."

Lying in bed with Lupin that night was one of the worst moments of my life. I felt alone, even with him by my side. I felt empty. I felt as if my whole world had come crashing down around me. Lupin, my main source of love and happiness had cheated. He didn't even seem guilty and it broke my heart.

When he turned the lights out, tears fell silently from the corners of my eyes. I knew Lupin was still awake, but it suddenly felt different. We were sleeping further away from each other. He wasn't touching me and our backs were towards each other. It was amazing how different it was after a simple kiss. I was beginning to believe him when he told me that I was the only one for him and when he promised he'd always love me – he lied.

I suddenly spoke. "Tonks is pretty, don't you think?"

Lupin swallowed loudly. "Don't start this, Darcy," he said.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you fell in love with her." I sniffed quietly.

"I could say the same about you and Severus."

I rolled over and looked at his back. "I can tell when you love someone and you don't. You look at them differently. When we first got together, you looked at me like you really loved me. You don't look at me like that anymore."

He didn't speak.

"I would do anything to have you look at me like that again."

"What exactly do you see in my eyes that means I'm in love?" he asked harshly and another tear rolled down my cheek.

"Happiness."

He was quiet.

"Please, look at me," I breathed and after a second of considering it, he rolled over slowly and looked me directly in the eyes. They were dull, not bright and full of life. "Do you remember the first time we kissed?"

"Of course I do," he replied.

I pressed my lips to his, picturing us surrounded by snow-covered trees, the wind turning our cheeks red. I pictured us at the Burrow, sneaking into his room to sleep together. I pictured us getting warmed by the fire after falling asleep outside. The kiss was sad. His mouth was closed – just like he kissed Tonks.

He pulled away and I opened my eyes. He was looking at me with sad eyes. I was brought back to reality. I licked my lips and stood up, walking out the door and to the sitting room.

Lupin appeared next to me in a few minutes and sat down beside me.

"I know you kissed her. I saw it."

He seemed to be thinking. His eyes were closed and he held his head in his hands. "Severus told me you shoved dragon tartares in Cormac's mouth. He said that you didn't want or mean to kiss Cormac."

"Well, Professor Snape was right." I sighed. "I'm not upset that you kissed her – well, I am – but I'm more upset because I'm worried that you might love her." I hesitated and looked away. "You keep hurting me. I don't want to be in a relationship where I keep getting hurt. We were happy for one year – the year we met. Maybe… maybe we just aren't meant to be together."

Lupin breathed in sharply. "Darcy, I know I hurt you and I know I say a lot of things, but I don't mean to. I don't do it because it's fun or because I like to hurt you. I do it because I'm stupid. I'm a fool. And if you walk out on me again, I'll fall apart. But if you stay here with me…" he touched my face. "I promise you that I'll never hurt you again."

I frowned. "How many times are you going to say that? I believe you, but then you break your promise by not trusting me. Why didn't you just confront me after you saw Cormac kiss me? Why did you run off and kiss Tonks?" I shook my head. "She's my best friend and because of that, I am not just upset at you¸ but at her for stabbing me right in the back. You know I haven't got many friends and you may have just ruined my friendship with one of my closest friends."

"Tell me how I can make it up to you," he pleaded. His forehead creased. "Do you want me to kiss you? To hold you and tell you I'm sorry? Should I tell you I love you? What can I do, Darcy?"

I thought for a moment. "I don't want you to do those things because you feel you have to. I want you to do all those things because you want to."

"But I do want to," he replied quickly. "But are they enough to make you forgive me?"

"Be honest with me. That's it."

"Darcy, I am honest with you. All the time."

"Then tell me this," I said. "Do you really love me and only me?"

Lupin nodded. "Yes, I do. And I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. The last thing I want to do is hurt you and it kills me to see you like this. I hate seeing you cry. I never meant for this to happen – I was angry. I was jealous. You know that I'm scared to lose you. I'm scared that you're going to leave me."

I considered him. "Kiss me again."

He leaned in this time and when I closed my eyes and felt his lips on mine, I felt as if I was really kissing him for the first time.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I had to talk to Tonks. As much as I wanted to hate her for going back on her promise and betraying me, she was my best friend. If I had kissed her boyfriend, I would be begging for forgiveness. Hopefully she was really, really sorry about what she had done.

I knocked on the door to her quarters around eleven o'clock that same night, hoping that she would be truly sorry. When she opened the door, she was in her pajamas; her normally bright pink hair was brown and she began to speak, but I cut her off.

"Can we talk?" I said and she nodded slowly and let me in. Like many times before, we sat together on the couch and I stared into the burning fire in the fireplace. "I know what happened."

"Darcy, you have to believe me, kissing him was not my intention –"

I smiled weakly at her. "We already talked about it," I told her. She tensed up. "Tonks, I need you to be completely one hundred percent truthful and honest with me for the next ten minutes."

She nodded again and held her hands in her lap.

I cleared my throat. "Do you love Remus?"

She breathed in deeply and then let it out. "I – honestly?" I nodded. "Yes, I do." I simply stared at her and she shook her head and touched my hand. "But I wouldn't do anything to ruin your relationship with him, I swear! I didn't expect him to kiss me and when he did, I assumed that you two weren't together because I know Remus would never do something like that!"

I bit down on my bottom lip.

"I stand by what I said at the end of last year. Do you remember? I told you that you two were so much better together than him and me. You two are so happy together and you do bring out the best of each other. I really did mean that, Darcy, please believe me."

I couldn't look at her anymore. I knew that if I looked at her, I'd start crying.

"Darcy, I don't think you realize that he's truly in love with you. The way he looks at you – his eyes light up when he sees you. And he opens his mouth when he kisses you – what him and I did earlier… it was hardly a kiss! Darcy, he doesn't want anyone else but you. He doesn't love me back and I don't think he ever will as long as he has you. It's sad – I am upset sometimes, but still, you've got to believe me."

"Tonks, you have to understand how I feel –"

"Darcy, don't pull that crap with me," she said breathlessly. "I know exactly how you feel. He loved you when I dated him. He wouldn't shut up about you, but I couldn't blame you. I know it wasn't like you were trying to make him love you, you know?"

I sighed and shook my head. "Are you sorry?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you sorry? For kissing my boyfriend?"

"He came onto me, Darcy!"

"But you kissed him back!" I snapped.

"Why are you putting all the blame on me?" Tonks said desperately. "Haven't you yelled at Remus? Did he already apologize? Did he tell you he'd never do it again?"

"Yes, he did! I already talked to him and he apologized –"

"And how many times, exactly, has he told you he wasn't going to do something ever again?" Tonks asked me quietly. "And how many times has he done it since then?"

"I – I don't – he just makes mistakes! I make mistakes, too!" I protested. "He said he was sorry and he apologized and I know he meant it!"

Tonks raised her eyebrows.

"I know he meant it…" I whispered, suddenly becoming doubtful of his apology. "He loves me…" I looked at her and I licked my lips. "He loves me, doesn't he? He means it when he promises not to hurt me?"

"I don't doubt that." Tonks cleared her throat. "But if you believe him when he says he's sorry, why won't you believe me? We're best friends, Darcy; you've got to believe me. I won't ever do it again, I swear. And if it does happen again, which it won't, but I'll let you hex me."

"I wouldn't do that ever," I said quickly. "But… okay."

She bit the inside of her cheek. "Can I still come to the Burrow for Christmas?"

I smiled very weakly. "Yeah. Yeah, of course."

She rasped, "Thanks."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I arrived back at my own quarters at around midnight, spoke the password, and entered. Lupin was still up, slouched in an armchair, half asleep. I smiled at him.

"I thought you weren't going to come back again," he said slowly, standing up and walking up to me. He took my face gently in his hands and gave me a lingering kiss on my forehead. "I love you."

"I'm tired," I told him. He smiled and chuckled, taking my hands and slowly pulling me to our bedroom. He laid me down and then climbed over me, putting a hand on either side of me.

"I love you, Darcy."

"I love you, too," I replied with a smile. I closed my eyes and felt his lips on mine. He kissed every inch of my face and then fell down beside me. I turned on my side and looked at him. Lupin was lying on his back, underneath the blankets, his hands behind his head. "Do you really love me?"

"Darcy, that's quite possibly the stupidest thing you've ever said. Of course I love you. Was Tonks trying to make you doubt that?"

"Well, I don't think she was exactly doing it on purpose."

Lupin shook his head as if he was disappointed.

"You know she still loves you?"

"Does she?" he asked nonchalantly. I sighed. "Well, I don't love her back." He said it coldly.

"That's a bit harsh, Remus."

"It's the truth, Darcy."

"Doesn't mean you have to be mean about it. I mean, how would you feel if you loved me and I didn't love you and I was mean to you all the time? You're probably hurting her."

"Look, if I'm hurting her just because I'm with you – I'm sorry, but I'm not going to end this just because it would make Tonks happy!" Lupin said defiantly. "If it was something else, like not kissing in front of her, yes, I'd comply. But I'm not going to leave you because she doesn't like us being together."

I smiled slightly. "She's my best friend. I just don't want her to hate me."

"You shouldn't be her friend if she isn't happy for you. Why would you want to be best friends with someone who can't be happy for you?"

I rolled over on my back as he blew out the candles on the bedside table. "Because I don't have a lot of friends."