guys, i am so sorry. seriously, i am. but now school and work and sat's are getting in my way. not to mention the fact that homecoming is this weekend.. i've actually been going out and having a social life, while keeping harry potter in the mix. so i hope you guys enjoy this chapter – i've got to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some strawberry jam my grandma made!
DECISIONS, DECISIONS.
Since Harry was in detention with Snape until the end of the year, that meant that he couldn't play in the Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw Quidditch match that determined who got the Quidditch Cup. I went down with Hermione and Lupin to watch Ron play – if Ron hadn't been there, I probably wouldn't have gone at all. Quidditch was a sport that I'd never really love no matter how good Harry was at it.
Ginny was playing Seeker for Harry and Katie Bell was back and resumed playing her position as Chaser like she had never left. It was a rough game, but I knew that if it had been Slytherin playing, the players might have killed each other.
Gryffindor won 450-150.
The after party took place in the Gryffindor common room and Harry returned a few minutes into it. I greeted him, pushing through the sea of Gryffindors and some other students from Hufflepuff.
I grasped Harry's hand and pulled him over to where Ron, Hermione, and Lupin stood. He leaned in towards my ear and shouted, "Have you seen Ginny?"
"Yes!" I yelled back. "She's over with Neville!"
Harry left us and I turned to Hermione and Ron, who bounced off into the crowd, leaving Lupin and me alone. "Exciting, isn't it?" I asked him and he nodded with a smile.
Lupin suddenly took my shoulders and spun me around, pointing to two figures, one with black hair and one with red… Harry had taken Ginny and kissed her and she seemed to respond eagerly. Part of me wanted to rip her head off, but the other part of me wanted to be happy. I turned back to Lupin so I wouldn't have to look and he grinned. "What's wrong? Can't stand to see your brother kissing someone?"
"Is this what he felt like every time he sees us kissing?"
Lupin nodded and laughed, kissing the top of my head.
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"Have you been thinking about what's going to happen after this school year?" Lupin asked me a few nights later as we were lying in bed together. I stared up at the ceiling, my heart sinking. I had been thinking about it and I knew what was coming. Did Dumbledore expect me to keep Horcruxes a secret from Lupin forever?
"No, I haven't," I replied quietly.
"Well, it's coming pretty quickly."
"Yes, it is," I said. "Have you been thinking about it?"
"Yes," he answered. "Darcy, I want you to know that I'm getting old. I'm thirty-six years old and I'm not as young as you anymore. I'm getting to the point where I'm running out of options while you, being twenty-one years old and completely healthy, have your whole life ahead of you."
"What are you saying?"
"Well, I want to get married and I want to have a family and I know that you're still young and you're probably not ready for that, but…"
My eyes were wide and I stared at him, monarch butterflies speeding around in my stomach. "But?"
"I know you've got other priorities and dreams, but you've got to understand that I have dreams, too."
"I know you have dreams," I breathed. "But – do you really want to get married?"
"Of course I do."
"To – to me?"
Lupin sighed. "Once you're ready. I don't want to rush you into anything and I feel like I've already rushed you into several things… including our relationship. You've been rushed all your life into growing up and I feel that if we were to marry at the end of this year – it'd just be bad. I wouldn't make you do that so young."
I sat up. "What's so great about getting married, though?" I questioned. "We love each other and we don't need a piece of paper to prove it. Everyone knows that we're in love, Remus, what's the point of making it official?"
"Stop, Darcy," Lupin said, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. "Stop it. I want to get married, okay? It's a bigger dream than you think. I want someone to marry me because I've been told all my life that no one would want me and getting married would prove that someone would want me for the rest of their life."
"But I already do want you for the rest of my life," I whispered, kissing him softly. "And I promise you that when this year ends, this summer, we'll get married."
"That's it?" he seemed surprised asking it. "For me? We're just going to get married this summer? Darcy, are you sure? No, no, it's not happening this summer! We're waiting until you're older!"
"It's not your decision," I protested. "I gave you everything when I was eighteen! You didn't wait until I was older then! What's so different about getting married? Are you scared?"
"You've got enough problems as it is," he snapped. "And I don't want to be just another burden on your shoulders."
I frowned and hesitated. "That's what you think you are to me? A burden?" I sniffed. "Haven't I been doing enough? I'm doing everything I can. What am I doing wrong? I don't want you to think you're a burden to me because you're not."
"I understand that you've got to take care of Harry and you whatnot –"
"You're upset because I'm not paying as much attention to you as I should," I finished for him, fully aware of how he felt. "Look, I'm trying my hardest. I'm still young and I haven't had many relationships and you're the first person I've ever really, truly loved. I really, really love you and it's not that I love Harry more… It's just that – Harry is my family and you should know that family comes first. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. Don't you want Harry to be safe?"
"Yes, but I'd like for you to be safe, as well." He touched my arms and frowned. "You get into some crazy dangerous stuff and sometimes you're a bit stupid about it. You have to know what you're getting yourself into."
"I know precisely what I'm getting myself into," I said, trying to control my anger. I remembered what Snape had said after the incident at the Burrow and I knew that he was right, but I didn't want to hear it. "And I'm perfectly fine. I'll be okay."
Lupin looked terribly conflicted and I ran my fingers through my hair.
"I love you," I told him quietly and I kissed his forehead. I fell back down beside him and smiled weakly. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too."
Thinking about leaving Lupin made me sick to my stomach. I threw my arm around him and pulled him closer to me. Lupin chuckled and I pressed my lips to his neck, kissing him all over until I reached his lips.
"What's going on?" he rasped in between the bruising kisses I gave him. I didn't answer, but he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed me back, leaving me gasping for air. I held his hands, lacing our fingers together, pressing his hands against the bed. I shifted my body, straddling his waist, and brushed my lips along his jaw line. Lupin tore his hands from mine and touched either side of my face, keeping me from kissing him. "What the hell is going on, Darcy?"
I stared at him for a moment and thought. What was going on? Why was I rushing our time together? What was I afraid of? I knew what I was afraid of. The war was happening – people were dying every day and I was scared that I was going to lose him or I was going to be the one to die and leave him. I had so many feelings happening at once that I didn't know what was happening at all. "I – I don't know – Remus –" I stuttered and suddenly felt even more confused. "Let's get married now."
"What? Are you kidding me? You're crazy, love," he replied. "Why now?"
"Why not now?"
His face dawned a look of realization. "You're scared that we won't be together that long. Is that why you're rushing things?" I didn't answer and he took my silence as a yes. "Darcy, we've got all the time in the world to get married. You're still young. We've got time."
"But the war and Harry –"
"I'm not worried about us being separated," he told me firmly. "I'm not worried about that at all. I'm scared that if we rush things, we'll feel to pressured and we won't want to be together anymore. You understand?"
"Yes, I do, but –"
"No, no, no, shh!" he laughed, placing a soft kiss on my lips to quiet me. "All our life, we've been rushed. Can't we start to take things slow? I've been thinking an awful lot lately and you've grown up so fast, but it's not fair to you if I force you to grow up even more in such a short period of time."
"Remus, I want to marry –"
"I won't have it," he shushed me again. "I don't think you realize what being married to me would really be like. I don't have a job and you'd have to provide for the two of us. And do you want to start a family? That'd be three of us you'd have to work for and the fact that I'm old… depending on when that family gets started, I might be too old for that.
"I have a disease – an abnormality. I need you to take care of me for a week every month. I need you to brew me that potion and I need you to heal my wounds if I forget. Hell, I need someone to take care of me all the time, not just during the full moon."
I honestly hadn't thought about anything he said. I had never thought about being married to Lupin. I had never thought about marriage at all, really, but now that he was mentioning it, it did frighten me a bit.
"You haven't thought about it before and I have. You can't just agree to marry me so soon. Do you think being married to me would be easy? Do you think taking care of me would be easy?" he asked with a shrug.
"I do it here – I take care of you all the time –"
"And you do a damn good job at it," he nodded. "But it wouldn't be like here at Hogwarts. Here you don't have to take care of me because there are other people could do it for me. And we have a roof over our head and food. If we were married, we'd live in our own home and one of us would have to cook all the time because there wouldn't be grand feasts. You'd have to work to keep a roof over our head."
I was silent. I was at a loss for words.
"I've been telling you for years that you need someone young and capable. Someone who can give you everything you want. Someone who can take care of you. As you can see, I'm not that kind of person. I can try to take care of you, but I know that I'll never be able to give you everything someone else could. And you know what? It breaks my heart that I can't give you everything you want."
"Like what? What could another man give me that you can't?"
"Do you want children, Darcy? A son or a daughter?" he asked and I shrugged. "I don't know if I'd be able to give you a child. Depending on when you and I want to start a family, I might be too old. I act older because of my lycanthropy and I don't want to risk passing that down to your baby. I would never forgive myself. I would be disgusted for putting yet another burden on your shoulders.
"And I'm sure you'd want a ring? I can't afford one, you know that. I may have some money from different odd jobs, but I could never get you that beautiful diamond ring that you want. And the wedding expenses? A honeymoon?
"And you want a beautiful home, don't you? A big house with a big porch and lots of land? You want a nice kitchen and a lovely sitting room? You want a full library in that house? How do you expect me to pay for that?"
He looked close to tears. He had been telling me this for years and now that I was contemplating it, it made sense. I finally understood why he didn't want to be with me.
"Darcy, if you want to leave me, do it." My body tensed up and I got scared. Why would he say that? I didn't want to leave him! "Don't just sit here and look at me like I'm stupid. Leave if you want, I'm serious. Go take care of Harry. I don't want you staying with me if it's too much for you to handle. I want you to be able to enjoy your youth and you freedom. Darcy, if you leave me, it'll be easier for you. You have other priorities and once this is all over, I'll come find you. Once this is all over, we can be happy. But for now, I think leaving me would be the easiest option and I don't want to leave you, so you've got to break up with me."
"I – I don't want to hurt you…"
"Don't think about me," he said, raising his eyebrows. "Think about you."
He waited patiently for my answer. I took a long time. I was already sure that I wanted to be with him, but it took a while for me to actually say it. In fact, I didn't even say it at all. "Why are you so good to me?"
The corners of his lips turned upwards slightly. "Because I love you."
"But how can you still love me after everything I've done to you?"
"What have you done to me that makes you think I shouldn't love you anymore?" he chuckled, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tightly. His tone was gentle and soothing and I closed my eyes. "You get angry at me? You fight with me? All couples do that. It can be hectic and that's why I want you to decide what you want to do."
"What do you want me to do?"
"This isn't about my decision, love. It's about yours," he stated. "Now choose."
"You can't make me choose like this," I protested. "It's cruel and you know it."
"Darcy, tell me right now without thinking what you want to do. Stay or leave?"
"I have my mind made up already – it's been made up for a while," I admitted to him. "But first, please tell me what you want me to do."
He whispered, "Stay with me forever."
"Then I will."