MAKING UP EXCUSES.

My heart hurt. It was heavy and my body wouldn't stop shaking. My extremities were numb. I felt violently sick to my stomach and I fought the urge to throw up and cry. I thought I was going into shock – having a panic attack. I couldn't move. I was frozen to the spot, numb, reliving the scene over and over again. I could see the jet of green light and I could see Dumbledore falling and I could see Snape's black eyes staring into mine. Harry had already gone after Snape; he was already a few floors below.

There had to be an ulterior motive. That was it. I knew there had to be an ulterior motive. Snape hesitated before killing Dumbledore and I knew that meant something. Or was it just because he was scared to kill him?

There were screams and yells coming from below and I suddenly broke into a run, cold sweat already covering my forehead and dampening my hair. Ginny, Neville, Hermione, Ron, and Lupin were fighting off several Death Eaters and I had to duck to avoid the spells being thrown everywhere and bouncing off the castle walls. I couldn't find Harry or Snape in all of the madness. I took a quick look around. Everything was spinning; I was dizzy. I was tired. I couldn't hear. It was like I was drowning…

Someone had grabbed my arm and yanked me around the corner. Lupin pinned me against the wall and shook me slightly. "What the bloody hell is going on?"

"Dumbledore's dead!" I cried and I broke down into tears. Lupin shook his head and shushed me. I wiped my eyes. "Snape killed – Snape killed Dumbledore!"

Lupin let me go and his jaw dropped. "Snape…?"

"Snape!" I repeated. "And I trusted him…"

Lupin let go of me and I closed my eyes for a long time, trying to piece my broken heart back together again. "Go find Harry," he instructed me firmly. "Go find him and bring him back here. We'll fight off these Death Eaters."

I nodded and we reentered the battle again. I didn't get far before Neville came out of nowhere and pushed me towards the window, out of the way of a jet of red light that just barely missed my face. I hit the wall hard and stood back up on my feet. The impact made me feel somewhat better. I glanced out the window. The front doors were opening and Snape was leading the death Eaters away from the castle and towards Hogsmeade. My feet automatically began to carry me down towards the ground floor.

When I reached the bottom of the castle, I headed towards the doors. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of the Great Hall. The floor was red; the Gryffindor hourglass was shattered and the crystals littered the floor. The Slytherin hourglass was cracked. Splattered on the wall and marble staircase was blood and I clutched my stomach, feeling the need to throw up again.

The front doors were open slightly and, holding my wand as tight as I could, I stepped out into the warm air and it almost seemed impossible that something so devastating could happen on a day so perfect. I heard more yelling, but it was female; I knew it was Bellatrix. I headed down the familiar pathway towards Hagrid's hut and halfway there, I saw it go up in flames. My heart broke even more.

Harry's voice suddenly filled my ears. It echoed through the night and I froze again. He was yelling Snape's name. I could make out Snape's figure and my brother's and Snape had stopped and sent the other Death Eaters, including Malfoy, away. Snape then turned to face Harry and I darted to the left, trying to get to Snape without him seeing me. My legs were like jelly and I nearly fell.

Harry shot several spells at Snape, each one being deflected, and Harry soon fell to the ground. He didn't get up, but he squirmed and as Snape walked over to him, I crept up behind him and, taking in a deep breath of courage, I stuck my wand hard into the center of his back. Snape didn't flinch or jump.

"Don't move!" I tried to sound authoritative and strong, but I ended up whimpering. Harry stared at me from his spot on the ground and tears were beginning to form in my eyes again. "I mean it! I'll do it! I'll kill you!"

"Kill him, Darcy!" yelled Harry. "He killed Dumbledore – he deserves to die! He betrayed Dumbledore! He betrayed you!"

I dug my wand deeper into his back and twisted it, conflicted. Snape spoke slowly and confidently, with so much more power than me. "You won't do it."

"How do you know?" I snapped, prodding him again.

"You don't have the ability to kill anyone."

"You don't know that," I retorted. "I'll kill you! Don't you move!"

"Go on, then," he told me sharply. Harry cried in the background, encouraging me to kill Snape quickly. "Kill me, Darcy."

I shut my eyes tight as the whole scene around me faded and I fell to the ground, unable to move. My wand fell from my hand, landing out of reach. Snape turned around to look at me and he took a few steps closer. Through half opened eyes, I looked up at Snape. He kicked my wand towards me.

"Pick up your wand," he stated shortly. "Don't ever let someone else have the opportunity to take your wand from you."

We stared at each other for a moment and then he stormed off, following the path of the Death Eaters that he had forced them down earlier before.

"Why didn't you do it?" Harry screamed, crawling over to me. My heart was pounding in my chest; I expected it to burst out of my ribcage at any second. I half expected Snape to kill me. I was weak and defenseless – he killed Dumbledore at his weakest moment while he wasn't carrying a wand. I closed my eyes. With Harry still yelling at me, I passed out.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I think she's waking up!"

"Well don't be loud about it, Ronald! You'll just make her pass out again!"

"I'm just saying…"

"At least try to be considerate… She's probably confused and hurt right now."

"Should I get Harry?"

"Yes. I'll go get Remus once Harry comes in here. Meet me in the Great Hall?"

"Yes."

I blinked. Sunlight was blinding me. Hermione was sitting beside me, staring out of the window. The bed creaked as I shifted and he looked sharply at me. "What happened last night?" I asked groggily. There was a wet washcloth on my forehead and it was nice and cool. I sighed and laid back down again. "I know the major things… What happened after I passed out?"

"Remus ran down after you and carried you here to the hospital wing," Hermione explained. "It's only nine. You've been out for a few hours. That's it."

"A few hours?" I moaned. "Where's Harry?"

"He's out in the hall. Ron went to get him. He hasn't slept all night. He's been by your side all night. But you mustn't get upset when he comes in."

"Why? Is he hurt? Is he mad?"

Hermione bit her lip and shrugged. "He's a bit upset that you let Snape off last night without a scratch. I told him that it would have made you just as bad as Snape if you had killed him, but he won't listen. You mustn't take anything he says to heart. He's hurting, you know."

"I'm hurting, too!" I hissed. I held my head. "Sorry," I muttered. She nodded.

The doors to the hospital wing opened and Harry came in, Ron standing in the doorway. Hermione patted my hand and walked out of the hospital wing, closing the doors behind her. Harry took Hermione's empty seat and was quiet for a few seconds. "You doing okay?" he asked me awkwardly. I nodded. "It was crazy last night."

I nodded once more. It was like all I could do was nod.

"And even though you saw what Snape did, you let him off easy." Harry hesitated and I looked up at the ceiling, not meeting his eyes. "You stood there and watched Snape murder Dumbledore before your eyes and you did nothing."

"I couldn't," I rasped. "I could never hurt Snape. Not after all he's done for me. He was right. I don't have it in me to kill. If I had cast the spell, it wouldn't have killed him, anyway. I wouldn't have meant it."

"Do you know how hard it was to watch one of the people who cared about me most die –"

"Do you know how hard it was to watch one of the people who cared about me most do the killing?" I interrupted him and looked him straight in the eyes. "You sometimes forget that Snape has feelings, too. You like to disregard him as a human. All humans have feelings. Despite what you think, he had a beating heart and I know he cared about me."

"He definitely had an odd way of showing it," argued Harry.

"You think?" I snorted. "And I suppose sending us out on a suicide mission to hunt Horcruxes is a pretty normal way to show feelings towards us?"

"But there's reasoning behind this," he protested. "Good reasoning. He wants to kill Voldemort. Snape just wanted Dumbledore out of the way so Voldemort wouldn't have anyone to fear. He can rise to power now."

"I don't think that's the whole reason that Snape killed him," I said defiantly. "Dumbledore seemed too calm to me. It was like he was expecting it. And did you see Snape's face? He hesitated!"

"Hesitation means nothing," spat Harry. "He's a coward. That's why he hesitated."

"That's not true!" I shouted and Harry frowned.

"You're defending him?" Harry seemed confused. He dropped it immediately and there were a few more moments of silence. "There's a bigger issue right now."

"What's that? What could be bigger than this?"

"Remus."

My heart sank. "Yeah?"

Harry clenched his fists. He was getting upset. "You've got to pick, Darcy. The time has come and you need to make a decision already." He paused and observed my face. "Take the easy way out or stick with us. You can't have both. You have to choose."

"I – I –"

"You said you've been thinking about it! You've got to pick!" he yelled and I jumped, not expecting a sudden outburst from him. "We can't wait any longer! Time is running out! We have our mission and we know what we need to do and we need to get it done as soon as possible! We don't know what Voldemort is up to and the sooner we finish him off, we won't have to worry about it anymore! You do want to finish him off, don't you…?"

"Of course!" I said angrily. "How dare you suggest differently?"

Harry sighed and rubbed his temples. "Look, when this is all over, you can come back and be with Remus forever."

"I know what I've got to do!" I said callously. "I know what's going on, but you don't understand!"

"Remus is on his way down to see you," Harry told me, standing up. "You have to tell him before we leave Hogwarts."

"That doesn't give me much time –"

"It's enough time!" he replied. "You can't keep avoiding this. Beating Voldemort comes before Remus. You should know that."

"I do know that, but we're just kids! You're just a teenager and I'm hardly an adult!" I tried to reason with him. "What are the chances that we succeed? What are the chances that we actually live? I'd say we don't have a great chance."

"We're the only chance that this world has," Harry shrugged. "We've got to try anything. We know that Horcruxes are the only way to defeat Voldemort and we've got to find them."

"But we don't know how to destroy them!"

"Then we'll have to keep them until we find out how!" Harry was becoming angrier by the second. "We'll have to learn! Do you doubt that this'll work?"

"I do!" I nodded. "Voldemort's soul is in those things – whatever they are – and I think he'll know if we have them all! Don't you think he could use you like he did last year? He could look through you to see what we're up to and what we're doing. He'll be able to find us. He'll know where we are and he'll kill us because he'll know what we're up to. You can't shut him out because you never learned – Snape tried to teach you –"

"And look where Snape is now," he said through gritted teeth. "He probably was opening my mind for Voldemort."

"Stop it!" I screamed and Harry fell silent, his green eyes wide. "This is not Snape's fault and I know it. There was something behind this – I think he and Dumbledore planned it –"

"Stop making up excuses," Harry snorted. "You can't defend Snape any longer. You watched what he did. You saw what he said and how he killed Snape. You saw what he did to me. You're just making stuff up. You've got no evidence to back up your 'story'."

"I just know –"

"You can't just know!"

Tears rushed to my eyes and Harry realized he had said too much. He backed up and shook his head, running his fingers through his jet black hair, making it stand up straight. He left the room just as Lupin walked in.