CHAPTER 3

Three months later.

My body progressed. As predicted, physically, I healed. I went back to school; my professors were sympathetic and made allowances for me.

I ate.

Sometimes I slept, but never long enough.

I showered.

I vacuumed.

I watered Emma's plants.

The only feeling I could bear to feel for Emma was jealousy. She had by far gotten the better end of the deal.

I didn't cry or wallow.

I wasn't in hell. That would require feeling something.

I just existed.

Occasionally, my friends would take me somewhere, anywhere. It didn't matter much what we did, I wasn't there anyway. We never talked about her, but it was brewing and we all knew it.

Then finally, something broke.

I was on my couch in front of the T.V. Jay and Manny were in the kitchen, making dinner. I was no longer an invalid, but I was still treated like one. I never protested; they needed to feel like they were doing something to help me, so for their sake I pretended to appreciate it. Liberty was perched on the arm of the couch next to me, waiting for Toby to come from work.

"Where's my ring?" I asked suddenly.

"What?"

"My wedding ring. I want it."

"Oh. Do you think that's a good idea?" Liberty asked cautiously.

"It's mine and I want it." I got up and started yanking open random drawers, spilling out the contents, searching for the ring.

"We'll find it, Sean, just –,"

"I want the damn ring!" I yelled at her, slamming a desk drawer shut. I didn't know what I was doing, but something was bubbling up inside of me and I couldn't stop. I whipped the cushions off of the couch and dug my hands in the crevices. Manny and Jay heard my yelling and came in.

"Dude, what are ya doin'?" Jay asked too gently. Liberty looked at him, frantic.

"He wants his ring."

"That's right. I want my fucking ring." I headed to the bookshelf and started tossing books from it. I don't know why, I knew the ring wasn't there. I kept tossing books and paused when I held Emma's tattered copy of Jane Eyre in my hands.

"Fucking Bronte," I let out a sharp, bitter laugh. "Why does she reread this shit?" I whipped the book at the wall. It hit with a crack, then thudded to the floor. I went back to my task of emptying the shelf.

"You're not gonna find the ring in there," Jay said, coolly. I pivoted on my heel to look at him, but instead I saw Manny, clutching Emma's book to her chest, crying.

"Put it down," I said.

She didn't move.

"Put the damn book down, Manny."

Jay whispered something to her and she left the room, taking Emma's book with her.

"Your mom has the ring," Jay said, his arms across his chest.

"Why?" I asked, angry for no reason.

"She thought it would be easier if–"

"If we pretended my wife never existed?" Jay winced. Liberty crumpled to the floor. I stood there like a stone.

"We didn't want to push…we were following your lead," Jay said.

I put my hands in my hair and turned for the stairs. I took them two at a time, Jay and Liberty on my heels. I went to my bedroom and threw open the closet door. I revealed her clothes, her shoes, exactly where she left them. I'd been meticulous about not touching a single thing. I fell to my knees and started throwing the shoes over my shoulder.

"Jesus, Sean," Liberty gasped. Manny appeared just seconds later.

"Do you want her shoes, Manny? Hell, you picked them all out yourself and it's not like Emma's gonna wear them anytime soon."

I stood up and yanked an armful of clothes from the rack and turned to toss them on the bed. When I looked up I saw Jay holding Manny protectively to his chest. Liberty was consoling her. I walked into the bathroom and grabbed the small garbage can. With one arm I cleared the counter of Emma's lotions and toiletries. I grabbed her toothbrush and hairdryer and tossed them in the can. I threw the shower curtain back and grabbed the half empty bottle of honey vanilla shampoo on the shelf. I unscrewed the cap and emptied the bottle into the tub. The fucking shampoo taunted me every morning. I inhaled deeply without thinking and I was assaulted by the scent. Emma's scent. I let the bottle drop in the tub and walked out.

I walked back in the bedroom.

"There. Now it'll be a lot easier to go on pretending she never existed at all." I tossed the garbage can on the bed, on top of her clothes. They stared at me, dumbfounded, nervous to make a move.

"What the hell is going on?" I heard Toby's voice behind me.

"Nothing much. We're forgetting Emma," I said casually.

"I see," Toby said, brushing past me to comfort Manny.

"It's my fault," she blurted out.

"Manny, don't–" Toby began.

"No. It is. It's my fault."

"Here we go," Jay breathed.

"Sean, I'm sorry. So sorry," Manny said, approaching me. I took a step back.

"If I…if I didn't buy all of that crap…all of that meaningless crap…it wouldn't have happened."

I looked at her, but didn't argue. The thought had crossed my mind before. Then again, I'd spent months combing my mind for every what if. What if Manny hadn't shopped? What if Jay wasn't hung over? What if I never suggested the fucking train? What if I never said 'marry me.'? What if she didn't kick my newspaper? The series of events that led to this was beside the point. They happened and I was past trying to place blame. It didn't bring her back to me.

I watched Toby pull Manny in to his arms. I said nothing. This was Manny's cross to bear.

-:-

6 months later

I graduated at the top of my class. Mom and Dad were proud. People expected it to be a turning point for me. It held no satisfaction. I suppose there was a sense of accomplishment, but also a sense of dread. It meant my life was moving forward and Emma's never would.

I refused a graduation party, though it crushed my mother, I knew I wouldn't have been able to handle it. People were starting to worry again. I had made no emotional progression. I just…couldn't.

The night of my graduation, my friends insisted on taking me out. That was fine. I could sit, drink, let them carry on conversation without me and it would appease them.

"Is there a doctor in the house?" Jay boomed as he plunked a bottle of beer in front of me. He ruffled my hair and plopped in the chair next to mine.

"Well, how does it feel?" Manny asked. I wish I knew.

"Good," I said and flashed my teeth, hoping it would pass for a smile.

"Play darts with me," Toby said and stood.

"I play winner," Jay announced.

"Uh, you don't drink and dart, remember?" Liberty asked. "It's dangerous. Last time you almost nailed Emma–sorry."

"Don't be. Emma shouldn't be taboo," I said, surprising even myself. Liberty nodded.

"I'll come watch," Manny said.

"Me too. We'll cheerlead," Liberty said.

With great effort I led them to the dart board.

A while later I was leaning against the bar, watching Manny and Liberty throw darts. Jay stood next to me, shouting cheers and insults at the girls. Suddenly, a short blonde girl was next to me.

"I noticed you needed a dart partner," she said, leaning in too close.

"No…no I'm just watching," I said, staring at the dartboard.

"I'm pretty good, if you change your mind."

Jay leaned over me and extended his hand.

"I'm Jay," he said. She took his hand.

"Carolyn…but call me Carrie."

"This is Sean," Jay said, jerking his head at me. What the hell was he doing?

"Ah, Sean doesn't say much, huh?" she joked with Jay.

"He's a man of few words," Jay said over my head. I stared ahead, my insides started to burn.

"Mysterious. I like it," the girl said, no longer looking at Jay. She was staring up at me. I held up my left hand, where my wedding ring was securely on my finger.

"I'm married," I said flatly.

"She's a lucky girl," Carrie sighed.

"You have no idea," I agreed. The girl walked away and I looked up to see four pairs of eyes staring at me.

"Don't," I said.

"This…cannot be…healthy," Toby stammered.

"I said don't." What did they want? I never claimed to be ok.

I swerved around the bodies in the crowded bar, trying to get to the door, to fresh air. They followed.

"Sean," Toby called once we were in the parking lot.

"What?" I asked and turned. The four of them lined up across from me. I squared my shoulders, daring them to question my behavior.

"That was…geez Sean…" Toby trailed off.

"That was weird," Jay said loudly. "It's been a year Sean. You can't act like–"

"What do you want me to do? Do you want me to date? Fine, I will. I'll do what is normal. I'll keep letting you cook me dinner and I'll keep going out when and where you tell me to and I'll wake up every morning and sleep at night and it won't change a damn thing. Just don't ask me to love somebody else, because I can't."

"Nobody is asking you to fall in love or even date somebody," Liberty said, her palms facing up.

"Well, then what?" I asked, exasperated. "Tell me, because I don't know what you want from me."

"You said you were married," Manny said quietly.

"I am."

"No…you're not," Jay said.

I looked at Manny.

"Is she not the best friend you will ever have?"

"Always," Manny said, fiercely.

"Toby, will you not always think of her as your sister?"

"Of course I will. Of course."

"Well, she will always be my wife. Understand that."

It was quiet while we all digested the exchange.

"Come on, there's somewhere we need to be," Manny said, fishing the keys from Jay's pocket.

"Can't I–I really want to go home," I said.

"No. This is important," Manny said.

Twenty minutes later we were in front of a cemetery.

I drew a shaky breath. I've never been here before.

"I don't know if I can."

"Of course you can," Liberty said. Toby looked at me and nodded his head.

"S'ok," he said. I nodded back, trying to reassure myself.

Manny and Liberty held hands and led the way. There was a sick sense of excitement. I don't know what I expected, but suddenly I was glad to be there.

"Here we are," Manny said, stopping. She stepped aside and my eyes fell on her name etched in the smooth granite. It was small, rectangular and too understated for everything that lay beneath it. Somehow, I wanted this stone to convey everything she was. I wanted more.

My eyes closed and I slowly shook my head.

"Alright?" Jay clapped his hand on my back.

"Yah," I said and reluctantly opened my eyes. Manny and Liberty were sitting on either side of the stone, their hands still clasped together, Emma between them. I noticed fresh flowers surrounding the stone.

"Did you guys do this?" I asked the girls, leaning down to touch a flower.

"Yeah…well, we all take turns. Once a week someone comes by to bring flowers and…be alone with her. It was actually Spike's idea," Manny said.

"How long have you been doing this?"

"Well…a year now," Manny said, quietly.

"Ever since?"

"Ever since."

Shame burned inside of me. I felt like I neglected her. I went and lived my pathetic existence, not once considering coming here. All the while my friends and family were here, being with her, bringing flowers.

"Thank you," I said.

"We loved her, too," Liberty shrugged.

I knelt down and let my shaky fingers touch the stone. I wanted her with me. I was tired. Exhausted of living without her. It abruptly occurred to me that there was no way I could live the next fifty years like this. I couldn't just wait for something that would never come. I couldn't move forward, either. I was stuck.

"I can't do this anymore," I said out loud, conviction in my voice. "I can't be like this. The thing is…I can't get past it, either."

"You have to get through it, Sean. You keep trying to fling yourself past it, but it doesn't work like that," Toby said.

"Every plan I've ever made for the future was centered around her. Ever since I was a kid, everything I did was with her in mind. Do any of you have any idea what it's like to lose the point of your whole life–" I saw Liberty look up at me and I immediately regret what I said. "I…Liberty…"

Liberty nodded, her expression forgiving. "It's okay," she said, picking at the grass by her feet. "When I gave my baby up for adoption, I felt the same way – like I'd lost him, even though I knew I'd have a choice to be in his life. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make."

Everyone waited, anticipating what was going to be said next, even though they all already knew. Still, they all remained silent. The air around them was still as she continued.

"When I lost J.T., though, I knew I'd never see him again…that I didn't have a choice to be with him or not. I couldn't just suddenly decide that I wanted to speak to him one day, just to hear his voice, resolve any issues we'd had. And I didn't get a chance to say I was sorry." She stared long into the distance with a solemn expression on her face. "That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, especially once I figured out that I was still in love with him."

"It was a hard time for all of us," Toby chimed in, and everyone agreed.

"Sean, it's going to be painful, but you'll get through this." said Manny. "You have us; we won't make you go through this alone."

"I know," I said. "It's just…it seems like there is nothing for me. There's not even pain to focus on anymore. There is nothing."

"Don't say that," Manny said. "There's your parent's. There's your career, there's–"

"And all of it means nothing without her. It all just doesn't matter to me…because she's in here and not with me," I said, my palms on the ground in front of me.

"She's not in there," Manny said.

"Spare me the She Lives in Your Heart speech."

"There is no speech. She's literally not in there," Manny said bluntly.

"Manny, not now," Toby said.

"No, if he's going to deal with this, let's deal with it for real," she said harshly.

"What are you talking about?" My heart beat faster.

"They never recovered her remains. There was a fire. Several bodies were never found, including Emma's."

I stood up. My mind was swimming, trying to recall the particulars of her injuries…but I came up with nothing. Nobody ever told me. I never asked. My feet were heavy over her empty grave.

"So…they just…how come nobody told me?"

"You never asked for details. We thought it might make it worse. In the end, we figured it didn't matter much…either way…she was gone."

Manny was the only one to speak. The others stared at me like I had a bomb strapped to my chest.

"We were wrong, Sean. I see that now."