A/N: Please do not spit out beverages at your screen. I felt the splatters on my face and I tell you, washing sticky cooldrinks/saliva combos out my hair is not fun. Kindly swallow. Don't spit. Thank you.
A/N#2: The world is a dark, dark place when one pervert spits on another. I still can't get over it. Just saying…
A/N#3: Ta, for the kind support. I ended the fucker finally. The world of the sane is safe at last. Now onto the grand climax of the masterpiece.
A/N#4: Unbetaed, but you should expect that from lazy old me by now.
Chapter Three
(Please… end already, you bastard.)
Jensen sat in his trailer, trembling like an electrocuted man. He needed his Jared fix. He hadn't seen, touched or sniffed the siren all day, and the withdrawal was killing him. Jim had locked himself in his trailer since morning and he was keeping the puppy with him. Richard snuck around the set, deftly avoiding the vengeful cameraman whose arse had been wronged, seeking out the Polish studmuffin. Misha and Sebastian (a.k.a. satan and lucifer) were oddly calm. They were the only ones who didn't look like they were awaiting execution. For some reason, that frightened everybody else. Charlie and his goons were planning a mass attack on the actors, to be carried out, sneakily, behind Jim's back. Laxative was the only option they'd come up with so far. Amateurs. Jeff was sulking in his trailer, writing poetry, with the majestic Jared as his muse. The words flowed easily out of his pen, because Jensen had broken his laptop. And he did it on purpose. Jeff's earlier works were light and fluffy, like scrambled eggs. His favorite was:
Jared, Jared, you're so fine
You're so fine, you blow my mind
Go Jared, go Jared
After last night's near-death experience and the realization that Jared blew quite a few minds, Jeff's prose became a lot more somber.
Roses are red, violets are blues
I love that fucking hottie
And he doesn't have a clue.
Jim had been at his computer all day, googling and giggling. He finally found an idea that might actually work on the assortment of Jaredaholics. Padaholics? Pick whichever sounds better to you? Finally, he called all the actors into his trailer. They shuffled in obediently, covered in bandages, medical gauze and mickey mouse plasters. Last night nobody had held back. The animal in everyone had arisen, ready to fight and die for a good cause…Jared Padalecki's hand – amongst other body parts. Jensen's inner animal, oddly enough, looked like something Paris Hilton would carry and call Fifi. Tom Welling was a fucking gremlin. One day! He spent one day on the set and look at what he'd done. That devil's pitch fork! The partially mummified co-stars sat down, in front of delicious Jared. Jared had been given explicit instructions to shut his big mouth; 'don't speak, you'll fuck everything up.' Jared was going to be a good little boy and tighten his trap. After last night, he had gone home upset. He had taken a bubble bath, shampooed, conditioned, cleansed, toned, moisturized and exfoliated. He went to sleep, crying into his silk pillow. Now here he was, sitting in front of these men, feeling like a porterhouse steak grilled medium-rare and served with a cabernet. Jared's mouth watered. Might be lunch time soon. Then, he remembered. He had just eaten lunch.
Jim Beaver cleared his throat, and Jensen screamed. Everyone gaped at him, stunned.
"What the feck are you screaming for?" Jim asked, holding his chest.
"You startled me." Jensen explained, blushing like a kid who'd walked in on his parents doing it.
Jim made an effort to ignore Jensen. Jensen was one of those really irritating people that everyone naturally avoided…except Jared, but then Jared was never known for making a smart move. Rob had given his hypothesis as to why nobody liked Jensen. Jensen was like a pig's tail; forever twisted and located near the arsehole. Nobody really understood what Rob meant, but it was funny and suited Jensen's zit-like personality, so they spread the good word. Jensen always wondered why people snorted every time he ordered bacon. (a/n: Somebody is still spitting on me. Please focking stop it) Jim shook his head and cleared his throat again…softly, shooting Jensen a warning look.
"Now, boys," Jim began, three sets of eager eyes plastered on him, two sets of evil eyes stealing bashful glances at each other. And Jim, that clever bastard, noticed.
"I have a long talk with Jared (dirty liar! All he told Jared to do was shut his big trap) and he told me that he likes all of you equally (everyone is horrified at the harlot). However, his family will disown him, if he becomes a community wife. So he has asked me to choose his potential other half."
"WHAT!" Jim jumped. One day these boys were gonna give him a heart attack. He spoke again.
"Jared told me that he would respect any decision I make, because I am wise and profound and not just a pretty face."
"And how the bloody hell, are you going to decide such a thing?" Richard inquired, cynically.
"By using an ancient science that is as old as humankind. (everyone is mystified) Within this well-respected scientific knowledge, we will find the answers that we seek. Now, is everybody ready?"
Everyone nodded, spellbound but nervous. Jim smiled at the morons and spoke.
"Jared is a Cancerian. Now according to…"
"WHAT!" Jensen screamed "Star signs? You're using star signs? What are you, a fucking teenage girl?"
"Ancient science?" Richard bristled "More like voodoo science."
"Do you wanna hear this or not?" Jim shot back "Remember Jared is taking my decision and I might just choose the person who shouts the least."
Jensen and Richard slapped their hands over their mouth. Jim smiled smugly and continued.
"Now, Misha, let's start with you. What's your star sign?" Jim knew, but he was a skilled liar, not for nothing.
"Leo." Misha said, feeling stupid. Jim fake-grimaced.
"Jared is a cancer. You're a Leo. Oh no. Terrible match. Leo's are adventurers and Cancer love family bonding. Leo's also love themselves a lot. In fact, Leo's are the kind of guys who will try to fellate themselves at least once. (Jim hoped nobody realized he is also a Leo) Misha, you need someone to put you in your place, someone you can't push around. Jared is too easy to push around, or worse, to neglect. You need another Leo to deal with you. Any Leo's here?"
All heads turned, as Sebastian raised his hand tentatively, mouth opened. Misha was shocked. Sebastian looked at him, eyes hungry (stomach hungry too, he hadn't eaten because he was under the suspicion the boom operator had mixed something undesirable in his food). Misha smiled shyly like a third world hooker, Sebastian smiled back like a first world customer. Really, it was a beautiful sight. Jim beamed. He was immensely proud of himself, but then he was a Leo so he was accustomed to that feeling. Jensen looked fearfully at Jeff and Richard. If Jim tried to match him up with one of these primates…Jensen swallowed the rising bile.
"Well, there you go." Jim smiled "Leave Jared now, and concentrate on each other. Right! Richard, what's your star sign?"
"Virgo." Richard said, suspicion creeping in his voice. Jim looked like he was considering Dick's answer. (hee hee 'Dick')
"Mmm no." Jim finally decided, "Virgo and cancer. No, I could never do that to Jared."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Richard asked, offended.
"Well, Cancer is spontaneous." Jim said, pretending he hadn't memorized these lines "Virgos are nitpickers and over-analyzers. Like that guy Monk, only not funny. Your criticisms could reduce Jared to tears."
Jeff and Jensen snarled at Richard, like he'd really upset Jared. Richard cowered as much as he could, with a neck brace.
"Doesn't matter if I don't get Jared," Jeff spoke up for the first time "Just don't give him to someone whose gonna make him cry."
Jim wanted to throw up. These guys were such saps.
"Don't worry, Jeff." Jim reassured him "Rich is definitely out of the race. Richard, why don't you try your luck with a Pisces? Pisces are your perfect match. Or a Libra, if you're desperate. Stay away from Leos, though. They hate you to death." (Myself included, thought Jim)
"Gee, thanks, Jim" Richard snarked, not buying any of this bullshit for one second. Misha wasn't scared of him for nothing, y'know. "We will definitely listen to you."
For the first time, Jim's confidence wavered. This bastard was gonna ruin the whole plan.
"Jensen," Jim deliberately turned his attention away from Richard "what's your sign?"
"Pisces." Jensen offered, bewildered. That's it, thought Richard, I've had enough of this zodiac nonsense. Time to silence this nincompoop. Richard straightened his back, opened his mouth and made the mistake of glancing at Jensen for a second. Jensen looked like his boring usual self, but his eyes danced. Richard decided to keep quiet. Jensen had a grotesque personality, but his cushion lips more than made up for it. Jim wanted to laugh at Richard's stupidity. Pisceans were the most delusional people in the world, minds always drifting off to make-believe places where blue birds sing and there's a whisky spring. They were also very boring and standoffish. Richard was choosing high-maintenance over low-maintenance. Idiot. Not that Jim believed in all that voodoo horoscope nonsense.
"Wow, Jen" Jim pretended he hadn't seen mutiny in Richard's roguish eyes "Now that is a match right there. Pisces and Cancer. As beautiful as 'Leo and Leo' or 'Pisces and Virgo'. 90% perfect. The remaining 10% will allow for make up sex and angry sex."
Jensen didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He should be ecstatic. So why was he so sad? He turned and stared at Richard, who smiled softly and winked at him. Jensen gasped at the fluttery feeling that gesture gave him. The unloved pig's tail felt all warm and happy. For a second Jensen pictured marrying Jared, but fucking Richard, copiously, on the side. Jensen went red in the face. He was thinking like a bicycle. Thank goodness, people couldn't read his pornographic mind. And poor Jared, he had actually…thought of…he was horrible man, for even thinking it.
"Jensen, you might be the one." Jim said "Unless Jeff throws a curve. Jeff, what is your sign?"
"Taurus" Jeff said fearfully, looking like he was going to cry any second. Jared smirked.
"Jeff threw a curve ball," Jim tried to look shocked like he didn't know what Jeff was going to say, "I can't believe it. Taurus and cancer. The most perfect of all matches. Two parts of one whole. Cosmic twins. Soulmates. Congratulations, Jeff. You're it. Live long and prosper. I need coffee. G'bye."
Jim was done with the whole stupid exercise. He wanted to get out of there before some new drama unfolded. Before he left, he turned to look at the boys. Jeff had jumped out of his seat and grabbed Jared, squeezing the boy tight and covering him with relieved kisses as if to say 'mine, mine, mine'. Jared gave Jim a thumbs up sign and buried his grinning, dimply face into papa bear's neck. Jim felt so smug. Misha and Sebastian had lost track of the whole conversation. They had spent that entire time, eye-fucking each other. Jim was flushed with embarrassment. Really, they needed to find a room. Jensen and Richard sat there, all coy and innocent, only baby fingers touching, the gesture sweet and chaste until you looked into their eyes and saw promise. Jim left the trailer quickly. It was becoming uncomfortably warm in there. Jeff was too greedy to wait for privacy, to start making out with his baby boy. Sebastian and Misha looked like they were dangerously close to doing something shameless. Jensen and Richard just sat there, a puddle of gasoline waiting for an errant spark. Jim shook his head and made his way to the crafts table, where unbeknownst to him, all the food had been laced with extra strong laxative.
The Focking End – finally.
A/N: the whole Jared and Jeff being cosmic twins and what not. Apparently it's true. Well, according to their star signs, anyway. But a girl can dream. Now if you excuse me, the thought of Jared and Jeff having soulmate sex, is flooding my underwear. Ta, for sticking around, Pervy Maidens of the Sisterhood,[except the one who kept spitting on me]. I do hope I didn't damage you grey matter, permanently. Ta ta. It's been grand. Sammyjaredgirl signing out. Mwah.