Author's Note: I know that it's been a really, really, long time since I updated this story. I apologize for that. But also, life is busy and I can't guarantee that a new update will come anytime soon. I have a tendency to write the beginning and ending of stories, and then have trouble filling in the middle. Anyway, thank you all for you kind words and reviews, and I know I owe those of you who have taken the time to do so more than super-sporadic updates. I will try my best to do better :)
Anyway, a reminder - scenes in italics are memories of the past, and scenes in normal text are in the current timeline. Thanks for reading!
An uncomfortable feeling nestled uninvitingly into the pit of Kaylee's stomach, a feeling that could only be defined as homesickness. After takeoff and a healthy dose of exploring, she had decided that it was time for her to go to sleep. Once she'd settled in bed, though, a strange kind of loneliness had overwhelmed her. The steel-gray surroundings of her bare room only seemed to emphasize that ache.
Kaylee supposed that these feelings were only natural – after all, this was her first night ever away from home, and now she was millions of miles away. She briefly entertained the idea of finding the captain, but then quickly decided against it, not wanting to bother him. The last thing she wanted was for him to regret taking her on, even though in her gut she knew he wouldn't react that way. Still, it was better to be safe than sorry. She could always go and see if Zoe and Wash were around somewhere. Zoe, although quiet, seemed to be warmhearted, and Wash was a pretty funny guy. Yet, there was really only one voice that she needed to hear right now.
Grabbing a sheet from her bed, she left her room and headed to the engine room, the heart of Serenity. Upon entering, she immediately felt better – comforted, even. The rusty, earthy tone of the room made it seem warmer and more welcoming than her bedroom. Looking around, she found two hooks on the wall and knotted the ends of her bed sheet into them, creating a makeshift hammock. It was pretty shabby, but it would do for now.
Settling herself on the sheet, Kaylee let the gentle hum of Serenity lull her to sleep.
Hearing a light knocking sound, Kaylee turned her head to see the captain standing at the doorway of the engine room. His presence hadn't surprised her, really. Like clockwork, he always managed to find her when she was upset.
"Hey, Cap'n," she said with a tired smile, still lying on her hammock. Instinctively she held out her hand to him, and felt warm inside when he clasped it in his.
"Hey there, little Kaylee. Hope I'm not disturbin' you none," he said quietly and her smile grew brighter at his thoughtfulness.
"You know you're not," she told him and squeezed his hand for a moment to emphasize her point. "Sorry I wasn't at dinner."
"Not a problem," he replied. "I would have saved you some grub, but my crew's a bunch of pigs," he said with a light smile.
At that she laughed and said, "It's alright, I wasn't all that hungry anyways." She saw his expression change and she braced herself, intuitively knowing that the conversation was going to take a more serious turn.
"The doctor had a lot to talk about during dinner," Mal said slowly, as if picking his words carefully. "I hear you have a hard decision to make."
She didn't respond and just looked away, but kept her hand wrapped tightly in his. After a long moment she looked up at him, her eyes wide and pleading, and asked, "Cap'n, what should I do?"
His sigh indicated to her that he wasn't going to give her an answer, and she was right. "Kaylee, you know I can't make that decision for you," he told her, but his eyes looked as if he were holding something back.
"Well what do you think I should do?" she asked, hoping that he'd release whatever he was hiding.
He waited a long moment before skillfully avoiding her question. "Does the doctor make you happy?" he asked.
"Yes," she replied honestly. But so does Serenity. So do you.
"And I don't remember a time when you weren't excited to take a break from space and head into town," he continued. "Maybe it's about time you went and got yourself settled somewhere. It might do you some good to get off this boat and live yourself a respectable life."
"So you want me to leave?" she accused, pulling her hand away from him. She could immediately tell from the expression on his face, though, that he didn't mean that at all.
"Come on Kaylee, this is hard for me too," was all he said in response. And she could see that it was. Her decision would have immense consequences, not just for her but for the captain too. Wash and Shephard Book, well they were... and then after Miranda, Inara had left. Now, Simon and River were leaving beyond a doubt. If she left too, then the captain would only have Zoe and Jayne left. Zoe still wasn't back to her old self yet, still suffering from the loss of her husband, and Jayne was… well he wasn't the most sentimental of souls. The captain's family was falling apart.
Even knowing what it might cost him, he was still encouraging her to do whatever would make her happy. She felt a deep wave of fondness for him upon realizing that. Her eyes met his and asked for forgiveness, and she could tell from his expression that he understood. His hand moved toward her face and affectionately stroked her cheek, as he had done so many times before, and he gave her a slight smile.
"I should go. Looks like you have a lot of thinkin' to do," Mal said softly.
"Looks like," Kaylee sighed, reveling in the feel of his hand on her face. It was gone all too soon, though, and she shuddered at the sudden cold that pulsated through her body. Waving goodbye as he walked away, she wondered why she felt more confused than ever.
It didn't take long before the ship started feeling like home to Kaylee. She and Serenity just seemed to click right away. But there was still something a little off, something just not right.
And then she realized what it was. If this place felt like a home, it needed to look like a home. So, she got the captain's permission to do some decorating and at the next port bought some paint and brushes with the wages she had earned.
It took two whole days for her to paint the dining room yellow, and then another couple to coat the wall with flowers, but she had done it. And it looked good. Damn good. More importantly, though, it looked warm and inviting, like a real home.
"You did quite a job," the captain said, walking up behind her and echoing her thoughts. He had been hesitant at first to allow Kaylee to decorate the ship, nauseated at the thought of pink bunnies or something of the like etched throughout his ship. But at the hopeful look in her eyes, he was helpless to do anything but nod with consent. He managed to justify his moment of weakness later, telling himself that looking at butterflies and fairies was easier to deal with than having a mopey mechanic. Still, he couldn't help but feel relieved as he glanced around the dining room to see it looking… well, rather nice actually. It was feminine, but certainly not girly. Cheerful, but not off-putting. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he found that the room reflected the girl who painted it. Upon noticing this, his fondness for the room grew tenfold.
"It's shiny, ain't it Cap'n?," Kaylee asked happily, beaming at him. She was proud of her work, that was for certain.
He smiled tenderly at her and replied, "Yep, little Kaylee, it's shiny alright." Laughing when he noticed a splotch of paint her on cheek he said, "You just can't ever manage to keep crud off your face, can you? If it's not engine grease, then it's paint."
"Hey!" she said, pretending to be offended and picked up a paint brush. "Maybe you're right. But it's better than having crud in my hair," she replied and flicked the brush at him, so that little droplets of red paint settled in his brown locks.
"Oh, you're going to pay for that," he said mischievously and grabbed another paintbrush, dousing her in green.
Soon colors were flying every which way until they both were on the ground, laughing and covered with paint. Anyone witnessing the scene would have likely marveled at how the young mechanic always managed to bring out such an amiable side in the gruff and jaded captain.
"You're cleaning this up, you know," he told her with an unconvincingly stern voice, and she grinned at his attempt to sound all captain-like after their juvenile antics.
"Yeah, yeah, I know," she said and sighed happily, feeling completely at home.
The next morning had a gloomy feel to it, and Kaylee was sure that it'd be raining if there were any clouds in space.
She had made her decision. It had been hard, but Simon and the captain were right. It was time that she thought about her future and moved on with her life. Simon loved her and wanted to marry her someday. He'd make her happy. It was the right choice.
Yet, somehow, she felt like she was losing more than just a home.