Title: Between Dreams and Reality

Disclaimer: Artwork is Forgive Me Sirius by Satine Black ( satine- black. deviantart )

Rating: M

Chapter Two: Distinguishing Reality

Sirius stared at his feet, wondering why they were bare. He remembered putting on his shoes; distinctly remembered his socks not matching and being scolded for it by Lily. Yet here he was, grass peeking out from between his toes, tickling the delicate curves of his feet. In contrast, the bench he was sitting on was hard and rough. Sirius imagined that had he been as bare as his feet, his skin would be littered with small wooden splinters burning holes. But then, he would wake up, wouldn't he? Had he felt pain, this dream would end.

Not too far from his feet, water rippled in gentle waves. Dimly, he wondered if this was a river or a lake, but found himself unable to look up. No matter how much he tried to lift his head, the most he managed was to roll his eyes to the top till he saw the spidery shadows of his own eyelashes. It was as if someone was holding him down by the neck, forcing him to look at nothing but the ground. Sirius hated it; hated being submissive. But unlike the last time, he tried to quell down his panic and tell himself it was an illusion. It was just a dream.

'I always loved the Hogwarts Lake…'

Sirius tensed, as he felt a presence settle down on the bench, beside him. They weren't touching, but Sirius could feel the closeness of their hands and the slight brush of their thighs. It sent shivers coursing through Sirius's body and he wrapped his arms around himself, trying to compress as much as possible. Suddenly, he felt very afraid of this soft, familiar voice.

'After class, I would sit here and dip my feet in the water until the sun went down and my skin went wrinkly. Sometimes, I skipped meals to be here.'

And just like that Sirius suddenly found himself staring at his feet, immersed in water. It should have felt cold, but it didn't. The temperature remained just as it had been when his feet had been on the ground. All Sirius could feel was the water rippling between his toes, forwards and backwards. It was soothing in some ways, but did nothing to quell the fear that was steadily building up within him. He was going to die. He knew this. There was no other explanation for these visions or this restraining pressure on the back of his neck. He was going to die.

A little away from his feet, Sirius saw what were the beginnings of glass forming, block by block. It rose from the bottom of the water, looking almost crystalline in appearance and filling in the air between him and "the presence". Light seemed to trap itself within each crystal, spinning an array of colours before escaping to leave nothing but transparency. The glass was almost at Sirius's knees now.

'You're not dying,' the voice said softly.

'Don't lie,' Sirius replied hoarsely. He wanted to look up. He wanted to see look at those amber eyes and ask why. Why was he here?

'You're not dying, Sirius.'

'Don't lie!' Sirius screamed, hands clenching to fists. 'Don't lie to me! Why am I here if I'm not dying? Why are you here, stopping me from even looking up?'

'No one is stopping you from looking up but yourself,' the voice replied harshly. 'Your fear is what is keeping your head down, just as it is building this barrier between us. The only reason it is transparent is because your curiosity interferes. You want to see me.'

Frustration built up behind his eyelids. 'Why are you here? If not to kill me, then why are you here?'

'I wanted to see you.'

'Why?'

'Because I love you.'

Sirius bit his lip, watching as the glass barrier that had been forming between them retreated, block by block; as if someone were simply picking off the pieces from a puzzle. He tried lifting his head, but found himself still trapped under the force on the back of his head. He couldn't budge, so he stared at the feet dipped in water beside his. They were pale; so pale that they looked made of pure light. 'What's your name?'

'Moony,' the voice answered and Sirius could hear the smile in his voice. 'You can call me Moony.'

The pressure on his head loosened and just like that, Sirius knew he could look up. Yet, he kept his head down, wondering if he should. He wanted to; so, so badly, but he also knew that if he did, things would change. He didn't know how they would change or why, but he knew the fear and the resistance that his instincts put up. He found himself curling into a protective ball, his forehead touching his knees and his arms wrapping around his body tightly. He was still afraid. He didn't remember ever being so much of a coward.

A warm hand lay on his back and just like that, as if a coiled spring, Sirius's head jerked up. He would finally have a face to the voice that haunted hi-

'Ow! What the fuck, Lily!' Sirius rubbed his stinging cheek and glared at Lily Potter. She was standing over him, her hands on both sides of her waist. From his position on the waiting bench, Sirius couldn't really see anything past her voluptuous chest, except for her fiery red hair, freckly cheeks and button nose, and bright green eyes.

She looked worried. 'I've been calling you for the past ten minutes now! Are you all right?'

Sirius blinked and rubbed his eyes tiredly. He hadn't even realised when he'd dozed off and just like after every nap he took, he felt even more exhausted that when he'd begun. Still, he put up a fake, reassuring grin to keep from Lily worrying. 'Sorry, didn't get much sleep last night.' His eyes drooped on their own accord and he fought to keep them open. A sense of disappointment was slowly filling within him, though, in his haze, he couldn't quite figure out why. His dream had been interrupted, this much he knew.

Sirius also knew that he had never felt more at loss as he did now.

'Sirius,' Lily brushed his hair out of his eyes, her hand resting on his forehead as if checking for a fever. 'I'm really worried about you.'

Sirius pushed her hand away, fixing his hair so that fell into his eyes again. 'Don't be ridiculous. I'm fine.' He tried smiling at her again, but found that he was honestly too tired to even lift the corners of his mouth into a gesture as simple. He wanted a bed. No, he only needed an excuse to close his eyes again. 'What did the results say?' He asked and even to his own ears, his words sounded mumbled and far away.

'Nothing,' Lily sighed, sitting down close to him and letting him rest his head against her shoulder. He could already feel himself drifting back to sleep. 'The results are normal. There isn't a single thing wrong with you.' She sniffed and Sirius realised with a jolt of surprise that she was crying. 'Sorry,' she laughed weakly, wiping her eyes. 'Bloody hormones. Here, take this,' she handed him a small vial filled with grey liquid, 'Pepper-Up Potion.'

Sirius downed it in a single gulp, wiping his mouth afterwards. There was a part of him that was pleased with Lily's worried tears, but a large part of him that mostly felt queasy. They had come a long way from school, when Sirius would accuse her of stealing James away and turning him into a boring, law abiding citizen. She loved Sirius now; more than Sirius's family had ever done. 'You shouldn't worry,' Sirius assured her, handing back the vial with the refreshing feeling of finally being awake. His eyes still stung. 'I just need to get some sleep and I'll be fine. I must be doing something wrong. I'll buy a new mattress or something tomorrow, I promise.'

She hummed, but not from the loss of words. Sirius could see her desperately trying to control the onslaught of tears that were pooling at the corner of her eyes. She swallowed thickly, her lips smacking noisily as she opened them to speak again, 'Stay over tonight, Sirius. I'll prepare the spare bedroom for you.'

'Lily-'

'It wasn't a request, Sirius,' Lily cut in sternly. 'If something happens, at least I'll have the peace of mind knowing that we're close by. I thought you were just being a slob, but you've been looking progressively worse by the hour. You even have James worried.' Lily grabbed both his hands, squeezing them between hers. 'I Floo'ed James and asked him to report a sick day for you. No buts!' She scolded when Sirius opened his mouth to argue. 'Pepper-Up will last you until we get home and have lunch. Then you're going to sleep. I'm done for the day, so I'll be there if you need anything at all.'

'Lily, you know there isn't any-'

'Shut up, Black,' she chastised, though her voice lacked any contempt. She pulled him up forcefully, dragging him to the second floor and not accepting any more protests as they Floo'ed to the Potter residence. Upon arriving, she insistently pushed him to the bathroom to clean up, while he was still coughing and covered in soot. There was no arguing with Lily, pregnant or otherwise, so Sirius resigned himself to obey her every whim, thanking all the deities that he was not straight and most of all, he was not James Potter. He dutifully changed into James's clothes, cringing as the shirt ended up too short and above his navel, making him look like a cheap porn star. He didn't complain, as Lily shoveled food onto his plate like she was trying to recreate Mount Everest, nor did he say a word when she insisted that they watch trashy telly while sipping tea that tasted oddly bitter.

'James and I aren't going to be home this evening,' Lily informed him. 'We'll be back in a few hours, but if you need anything, send a Patronus. Nothing else.'

Sirius snorted in disgust, but said nothing more. It wasn't his place to argue, but Lily didn't fail to notice the hate that burned in his eyes.

'I wish you'd join,' she said wistfully, her eyes sparkling green as she looked at him. 'Peter asks about you sometimes. And you know, we're helping people, Sirius. We're making a difference. It would give you the chance to-'

'I'm doing my share through the Ministry, thanks,' Sirius replied harshly. He gulped down the last of his tea, wincing a little when it burned down his throat. The Order: Sirius would rather die than join them. They weren't helping anyone. They weren't a resistance. They were just flies stirring up annoyances; pawns playing an elaborate game between Voldemort and Dumbledore that they didn't even try to understand. Such was the power of Dumbledore; he killed with kindness. The twinkle in his blue eyes were enough to have people like James and Lily fall into gullibility, and turn a blind eye to reality. Sirius had once almost been in that position, but not again. Never again.

'There is a lot that the Ministry doesn't know.'

'There is a lot the Order doesn't know,' Sirius retorted, shaking his head. He felt woozy. There was still time for the Pepper-Up to wear off, so he didn't understand why he felt exhausted all of a sudden. 'There is a lot that's being kept from you while you willingly put your lives in danger. Not just yours, but my godson's, as well.' He blinked, trying to focus on her reddening face. He didn't let her defend herself, speaking almost immediately. 'Where was the Order when the Potters were killed in their own homes? Where were they when Regulus needed help; when he desperately wanted to get out? He was on a mission from the Order, so where were they? What about the Prewetts? Did Molly want to lose her brothers so willingly to a scuffle in the park?'

'The Prewetts died fighting for what they believed in and so did your brother,' Lily replied coldly. 'We're not Gods, Sirius, we don't promise to know everything, but we are trying to help. Regulus was…'

There was more Sirius wanted to say; so much more. He wanted to tell her about Regulus; how every aspect of his brother's life had been controlled; first by their parents, then Voldemort, and then Dumbledore. Stupid, stupid Regulus, who always cried over the smallest things when he was young. Had he honestly believed he could save the world; be a hero? He was only seventeen and Dumbledore had sent him out for a mission where there was no other ending but death, his body floating now among the Inferi. Regulus hadn't wanted to die. Regulus had never wanted to die. Like Sirius, he had simply wanted to be free…

The minute he'd felt hot breath against his cheek, Sirius knew that he was no longer with Lily. He knew, yet he kept his eyes closed, feeling the anticipation build within him and spread like smoke from a raging fire. The prospect of being able to see more than the amber eyes and bright lights, that he had become so accustomed to, had his hands shaking. A thin hand closed around his, stilling the nerves but jumbling Sirius's emotions to a confused mess. He didn't know how to feel, so instead he focused on the hands that held him: the calloused thumb that rubbed slow circles across the back of his hand. The hand felt fragile against his – almost bird-like – yet it was large, undoubtedly a man's. It was hard to believe that only a few days ago, Sirius had thought the glass between them had been thin and almost real. Now, feeling the warmth of the hand in his and the comforting weight of it; Sirius felt that the glass had been exactly that – a thick barrier of fear.

'You're not dying,' the voice whispered so close, that Sirius could feel the tingling on his cheek which ached to feel lips upon them. 'You're not dying, I promise…'

Sirius laughed softly. 'I believe you,' saying so, he opened his eyes and felt his breath hitch. 'Moony…'

The name seemed almost comical when compared to the man before him. He was, for the lack of a better word, beautiful. No, that wasn't true. He was beautiful toSirius.He didn't look much different from the light in Sirius's past dreams; his skin was so pale that it looked as if it glowed, Sirius felt, almost iridescently. Disturbingly large amber eyes peeked through strands of messy brown hair, thin red lips open in unashamed awe as Sirius finally reached out to touch him.

Real, Sirius realised as he ran a single finger down the outline of Moony's crooked nose. It looked like it had suffered a break multiple times and badly healed.

'Where are we?' Sirius asked, letting his hand fall to the bed again. He pretended not to notice as Moony shifted closer to him on the bed while moving to sit up, his thighs now touching the side of Sirius's hips.

'My parents' home in Somerset.'

Sirius immediately sat up, drawing the dark green sheets towards him. Suddenly, he felt guilty; as if in danger of being caught with a lover. He looked around, taking in the bare white walls and sparse furniture. There was nothing in the room that indicated a person living here. Apart from the bed, there was only a small bookshelf that held a handful of books and a built in cupboard that lay empty before them. 'Are they here?'

Moony laughed. 'No.'

'Oh,' Sirius relaxed. 'I'm sorry.'

'They're alive in the real world.'

Sirius frowned. 'But this is real…I think.'

Moony shook his head and explained with a kind smile. 'This is only where I want to be.'

'Why aren't you?' Sirius asked, feeling his curiosity rule over his insensitivity. If all this was fake, then why bother with niceties? 'You told me you had nowhere to go, yet if your parents are alive, then you clearly have a home. Why not go to them? Why come to me?'

Moony chuckled bitterly. 'Because it will hurt to see them more than it does to see you.'

'Do you always talk in riddles?' Sirius snapped. He chanced a look out the window and noticed that there was nothing there. No view: no grass, no sky, no sunlight pouring in; only pitch darkness. Moony had probably not remembered this aspect of the house, he realised, which was probably why it was hollow. Just the idea felt strangely eerie.

'My parents don't remember me,' Moony shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant, but his amber eyes shone brighter than normal. 'My mother is a muggle, so I was scared for their safety. When I turned eighteen, I drugged them, sneaked in to their bedroom at night, and erased every memory they had of me. It took me hours to reconstruct new memories. I couldn't make mistakes or leave any gaps. I had a few…acquaintances in the Ministry who helped me change names and records. I moved them to a new house and a new life.' Moony pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and then looked towards the window. His eyes widened, only just realising the dark chasm that lay beyond. Sirius only had to watch in awe as the darkness fell away in streams, like rain, giving birth to a garden and another house not far from theirs. 'This is the house I chose for them,' he continued, looking away from the window as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 'I slipped up; I chose a house with an extra room, where I would sleep when I came back.'

Sirius swallowed thickly, suddenly understanding why this room was kept so sparse. It was only stored with what Moony could afford to leave behind, in the hopes that he would not completely be forgotten. Suddenly, Sirius found himself getting up and drifting towards the bookshelf, wanting to know more; wanting to know what kind of person Moony was and the books he read.

'I was so stupid,' Sirius heard Moony whisper. 'I thought the war would be over soon. I had this dream where I would come back home and despite all the obliviated memories, they would still recognise me as their son.'

Sirius didn't know what to say. He had never been very good at comforting people. So he stood there, his back turned to Moony, pretending to read the title of each book with intense concentration: Hitchhiker's Guide, Magical Beasts, Gravity's Rainbow, The Shining, Werewolves and Wizards…

'My parents,' Sirius licked his dry lips nervously, 'were racist bigots. Unbearable mostly, so when I was sixteen, I-'

'Ran away,' Moony finished, making Sirius's head turn in surprise. 'I know…'

How, was what Sirius wanted to ask, but before he could say a word, Moony broke into a fit of violent coughs. His thin body shook from the force of them and he held on to the bed sheets for support, his eyes clenched so tight that tears pooled at the corners. With horror, Sirius watched as droplets of blood, red as rubies, stained the sheets steadily. But the blood wasn't what frightened Sirius; it was the darkness. The darkness that was spreading across Moony's body like pox: in small ringlets that peppered his hands and spread up to his face. It was just like the window which had been shrouded by a black chasm, only this time it was Moony whose colour was being sucked into the black holes that ran across his skin.

Sirius felt bile rise up in his throat.

The barrier between them was forming again, crystalline beads forming from the points of Sirius's feet at a rapid pace. He found himself moving backwards till his back was pressed hard against the shelf. Several books fell to the ground, one of them bouncing off the glass wall that had now risen up to Sirius's chin. It was filling up in concentric circles now, almost as if mimicking the shape of Sirius's face. By the time, Moony was able to open his eyes through the coughing, the space between them had closed and Sirius now saw him through the glass as only a smattering of colour on black canvas. His eyes were the only parts of his body that remained untainted, and they looked terrified. He was saying something, but Sirius couldn't hear it through the ringing in his own ears. He couldn't see beyond the splatters of blood on the other side that had somehow morphed into large puddles of red that slowly monopolised his vision.

His closed his eyes, heart beating at a furious rate, hoping this dream would end. He wanted to wake up. He wanted to wake up. He wanted towakeup.

'Shhh, it's okay. It's alright, love, just let it out.' Gentle hands held his hair back as he retched into thebin. His throat burned painfully and his eyes stung, as he gasped for air before further emptying out his lunch. Lily's voice continually murmured soothing words in his ears, rubbing his back in circles. 'It's okay, Sirius. We're here.'

'Here,' James kneeled down in front of Sirius, handing him a glass of water once he was done. When Sirius's hands shook too much to hold it in place, James pushed the glass to Sirius's lips, keeping a hand behind his head for support as Sirius greedily gulped the water. Once he was done, he pressed the cool glass against his forehead, breathing shakily from the relief it brought. There were tremors still riding through his body, though now it was mostly from the chill that was seeping into his bones from cooling sweat.

Real, Sirius prayed fervently, pleaseletthisbereal.Please,please,please,letthisbereal.Idon'twanttogoback.He looked out the window and breathed a sigh of relief when he was met by the view of stars littering the sky and the moon gazing back, bright and round. It would be a full moon tomorrow. It'sreal.JamesandLilyarereal.

Lily, who looked close to tears and James, who looked equally shaken: they were real.

'I thought you gave him the potion, Lily,' James whispered, moving the bin away. 'He was supposed to have a dreamless sleep, so why-'

Sirius gulped. It meant nothing. Lily had probably not put the right dosage, despite being an experienced Healer. The potion had probably worn off in between and the dreams had come back with a vengeance. This was real. James and Lily were real. This world was real; not a fabrication nor a memory of a house that didn't belong to him. He was real.

'Sirius, you're soaked,' Lily said unsteadily, almost as if trying to change the topic. She didn't look him in the eye, as James helped him get up on his shaky knees and helped him up to the bed again. 'Take this one off and I'll get you a spare. You'll catch a cold otherwise.' She reached out her hand, as Sirius complied, only to have the shirt fall to the ground as her hand retracted with a gasp. 'What's that? Sirius, did you get hurt?' She cried, touching his back with cold hands. Sirius winced in pain when she pressed against the space between his shoulder blades. 'This wasn't there in the morning! Sirius, when did this happen?'

Sirius stretched his neck to look back, taking in the horizontal lines that ran across his shoulder blades – dark purple from bruising. There was another line parallel to it on his lower back. Sirius frowned. 'I don't know. I don't remember getting them. I d-' Sirius found his stomach churning unpleasantly again, as flashes of the bookshelf came to mind. He had been pressed tightly against it when Moony had started to-

This time, Sirius retched nothing but bile and water.

Real. All of it had been real…

A/N: And so I give you the second chapter of BDAR (Wow, sounds odd). Hope you liked the disturbing oddness and the surreal imaging. I'm always open to comments, reviews and criticism so feel free! Cheers! And to my anonymous reviewers:

NonsensicalSurrealism: Hey, I tried replying to you, but it seems you have private messages blocked, so I hope you read this! Thank you so much for reviewing and hope you liked this chapter! ThornLeaf: Lol. No, Remus isn't a mermaid, which would be very odd if he was like half a werewold also. O_O But I'm so glad you like the story! Cheers and lots of love!