Title: Between Dreams and Reality
Disclaimer: Artwork is Forgive Me Sirius by Satine Black ( satine- black. deviantart )
Rating: M
Chapter Four: Past Offences
'This is stupid,' James complained, watching people dance around the bonfire, adding useless things to burn like old clothes and pictures of past lovers. 'This is completely and utterly stupid.'
'I agree,' Sirius replied through a mouthful, 'this toffee is too sweet, even for treacle. Shame there's no effigy, though. I heard the park Moody's team is stationed in has one – mustache and all.'
'Are you sure about this, Sirius?' James asked for the fiftieth time in the past two hours. 'You're sure there's going to be an attack tonight.'
Sirius lied with a straight face for the fiftieth time, 'I'm sure.' Even though he wasn't; he had no physical evidence but his innate faith in Moony's words. 'I told you, I heard them in Knockturne Alley whispering, but I couldn't quite catch which one they were going to attack.' Lie, after lie, after lie; Sirius had never lied to James to this extent before; never about matters so serious. But he also knew that nothing would be done if Sirius told him or for that matter, anyone the truth. Who would believe that Sirius's source had been a man in a dream; a man Sirius didn't even know but who seemed to know everything about him and everyone around him. A man who was very real and was somehow starting to intrigue every one of Sirius's senses; he didn't want the accusation of Moony being only a figment of his imagination.
James frowned. 'I don't know, Sirius. Talking about something like this, even in Knockturne Alley; it's very suspicious. It feels like a trap.'
It could be a trap, Sirius realised; yet, a part of him pleaded to have faith. 'Even as a trap, the Death Eaters will appear. At least, knowing, we're more prepared and possibly larger in number, thanks to your little band members,' Sirius said the last part bitterly, only barely masking his resentment by busying himself with more toffee from James's little paper bag. The toffee was meant for Lily, who was in the midst of a monstrous appetite for all things sugar, but Sirius and James had already gone through half the bag waiting. 'The Ministry can take care of it; you didn't have to call them. They're only a hindrance.'
'They're here to help, Sirius; you know this,' James replied softly, looking up at him through thick framed glasses. 'No one even knows they're here, but you, me, and Moody.' He looked to the farthest corner of the park, where Benjy Fenwick and Caradoc Dearborn were chatting away, trying to look conspicuous in mismatched muggle clothing. 'Consider them back up or just a few honest civilians looking to help, nothing more.' James didn't miss Sirius's angry glare and clenched fists. 'You know, they could have done a lot to you, just for knowing about us. By Order code, your memory should have been erased, but they put faith in you. Dumbledore put faith in you.'
'What an honour it is for me,' Sirius replied sarcastically, his face growing stonier by the moment. 'The man responsible for my brother's death has graced me with his undying faith.'
'Sirius-'
'The fireworks are starting,' Sirius pointed out, as the first loud bursts of fireworks permeated the air. People were gathering closer, arms around each other to watch the bright red and gold sparks spreading across the dark sky. Two, three, four, each leaving a smoke of colour behind; the fifth was green and both Sirius and James's smiles quickly fell as it burst into a skull, a serpent slithering out of its mouth. The smoke didn't die out, even as screams rang out from the other side, startling the people in the park to a mode of panic. Amidst the confusion and scattering crowds, Sirius made out Dearborn and Fenwick, hands clutching their wands as they apparated with a quick pop.
'It's in the other park,' James whispered in a hurry, tightly clutching the Sirius's elbow as he got ready to apparate. 'The one with the fucking effigy. We should have guessed they would choose that one; more muggles, a bigger bang. Fuck!'
The minute they apparated to the site, Sirius was bowled over; his shocked eyes taking in the masses of feet running past his head. He screamed in pain when a foot landed hard on his left hand, and he quickly turned over on his side, struggling to get up between the throng of people and barely saving himself from a kick to the head. 'James!' he cried, though he knew his voice wouldn't carry over the panicked screams. 'Fuck!' He rolled over, throwing his hand out to protect himself and pushing upwards.
'Avada Kedavra!'
Sirius twisted, his hands tightening around his wand. The screams were heightening as the muggles realised that the spells were deadly. It was complete mayhem, muggles hanging upside down by their ankles, many dropping to the ground with surprise on their faces as the last deadly curse hit them – the colours of their celebration blurring as they ran for their lives, clutching each other in a state of fear.
'Stupefy!' Sirius screamed, pushing a young boy out of the way roughly. 'Expelliarmus!'
In the midst of all the chaos, the effigy burned ominously, the face of the puppet clearly visible from between the flames; the ink that drew its features melting in dark streaks.
'James!' Sirius screamed, spotting a familiar head of messy hair and running towards him. 'Fuck! Stupefy! Diffindo! Stupefy!'
The Death Eaters were clearly going to be outnumbered, Sirius realised, as all the Aurors and Order members that had been stationed in various areas of the city apparated with wands at ready. They would probably have the lowest number of casualties in years; everyone had come prepared for a fight, spells jerking their wands so rapidly that they looked like a continuous stream of red, blue and gold.
Moony had been right.
The only question that remained in Sirius's mind, eating away into his thoughts even as his wand moved at a brisk pace, dueling Death Eater after Death Eater, back to back with James, was why had Moony asked for James? If Moony knew as much he made out to about Sirius, then his Auror status should have qualified for this kind of information. So, why James? Why was James chosen to win this small battle within such a big war?
When Sirius opened his eyes, he was already being held tightly in Moony's arms, his cheek resting on Moony's warm shoulder and his body pressed flushed against the other man's chest. He felt a blush rise up his cheeks, but did not pull away; instead, wrapping his own arms around the thin torso. It had been so long; so long since he'd been held this way that Sirius had forgotten the warmth a simple touch had to offer. Not the fleeting man-hugs that James bestowed him nor the worried ones Lily gave him whenever he was sick or injured after a mission; this was an embrace.
'We won,' Moony whispered against his hair and Sirius smiled, not saying anything. They were sitting on the front porch of a tiny wooden cottage, bathed in sunlight. There was a rickety rocking chair creaking back and forth in time with the soft breeze, the chimes over their head clinking together in a merry tune. Soft bursts of laughter from inside added to the orchestra, contagious and pleasant to the ears. Underneath his bare feet, Sirius could feel soft grass tickling sensitive skin and the side of Moony's own feet brushing against his.
'How did you know?' Sirius forced himself to speak, even though all he wanted to do was enjoy the warmth of their embrace for possibly eternity. 'About the attack: how did you know?'
He felt Moony's breath hitch. 'I overheard them,' he replied, though Sirius could tell there was more to the statement than Moony wanted to reveal. But the stiffness in his shoulders and the way his arms were slowly starting to pull away made Sirius drop the subject and his frothing curiosity.
Instead he tightened his arms around the other man and asked what he always did, 'Where are we?'
He felt Moony smile against him, his arms relaxing across Sirius's waist once again. 'The house I grew up in. When I was younger, I'd run across the grass in my birthday suit, screaming, while my mother tried to have me put some pants on. It's how I got my name: Moony.' He joined Sirius's laughter, his eyes lighting up with mirth and a certain childish innocence that Sirius couldn't help but stare at. 'Coming back home from school during the summer, I'd spend all my time on the porch, just like this. The grass would be bright green and there wouldn't be anyone for miles across from here. So I would fall asleep, sometimes on the old rocking chair, listening to my parents laughing at something on the telly.' When he felt Sirius's head turn to look inside, he laughed, 'They're not in there.'
Sirius pulled away. Suddenly, the laughter did not seem pleasant anymore but eerie and strangely haunting. 'What is that?' Sirius asked, suddenly noticing something underneath his dark blue t-shirt. Before Moony could pull away, Sirius grabbed him by the collar, pushing it away to reveal black-blue bruises across his neck and collarbone. 'What are these? Is someone hurting you?'
Moony brushed Sirius's hands away, looking adamantly at the grass as he righted his collar. 'It's nothing,' he replied harshly, again in the tone that told Sirius that it wasn't something Moony wanted to talk about; not yet.
It didn't escape Sirius's notice that there were many more scars winding across Moony's arms and a fair few on his face. There were probably just as many bruises hidden underneath his flimsy t-shirt, but Sirius did not ask for confirmation. Not yet; there were many more important questions he wanted answered; too many, but he asked the one that had the highest priority in his mind: 'Why do you know so much about me?' He frowned when Moony looked at him curiously and rephrased his question, 'Do I know you?'
Moony smiled sadly. 'I wished you did.'
'What does that mean?' Sirius asked, confused. The laughter coming from inside suddenly came to an abrupt halt and Sirius wasn't sure if he felt relief at the ominous silence that followed. He fidgeted uncomfortably, lifting up his legs so that he now sat on the floor with his legs crossed. The hardwood pressed painfully against his tailbone, but Sirius felt he didn't care.
'Have you slept well?' Moony asked finally, his amber eyes shining oddly – like water in a stream - in the sunlight. 'Do you have the strength to perform a wandless Leglimens?' When Sirius nodded in reply, Moony pressed their foreheads together, trembling hands moving to cup Sirius's cheeks once more. 'I-I'd like to show you…' he whispered, opening his mind to Sirius's spell, yet creating dark blinders that shielded every part of his mind but one.
It was the memory he wanted Sirius to see…
He is a quiet child; not by nature but by compulsion. One that has perfected the art of blending so well that he often starts to look like furniture. He has no friends; not many know of his existence, even among the teachers. He passes through as a nameless existence day after day, seeking solace in shadows and vacuums.
He sits in the library, a small corner between the shelf and the wall, staring at the parchment on his lap. It is full; possibly finished, but it isn't as if he is writing. He is merely looking, his eyes lost and his fingers idly playing with his Gryffindor tie. He pushes his hair behind his ears; it is long – shoulder length almost and hides his face even further in the shadows.
There are scars on his hands.
Loud 'thumpthumps' of hurried footfalls break the silence; followed by Madam Pince's disgruntled shushing. He looks up just as a boy round the corner, pressing his back tightly to the bookshelf he is sitting against. The shelf wobbles dangerously but the boy doesn't seem to notice, panting loudly, his dark hair fanning with each exhale. He knows this boy; everyone in school does. Sirius Black; one of the biggest mischief makers in school, along with his best friend: James Potter. The boy is beautiful in ways that is all sharp angles and regal features, and he can't help but stare. Only then does Black look at him, his eyes widening in acknowledgement. It is perhaps the first time Black has ever truly seen him.
Black looks around the bend once more, curses and says his first words to him: 'You look like a girl.'
He doesn't have time to be offended, as Black swoops down on him, pulling him into a heated kiss. He protests at first, hands scrabbling to push Black away, but the boy covers him with his body, holding both hands up by the wrists and plunging his tongue into his mouth without permission. Black sucks on his bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth, nibbling and then soothing with his tongue, which boldly moves to taste the roof of his mouth, map the ridges of his teeth, and knots together with his own tongue. The kisses continue as Black pushes even closer, lips travelling down to his neck, pushing away the collar of his shirt in search of more skin.
He hears angry footfalls and reluctantly opens his eyes to see a girl, brown hair and blue eyes stare at them in shock, before running away in distress. He wants to feel sorry for her, but can't seem to think beyond Black's lips that are hungrily sucking below his collarbone and the insistent press of hips.
'She's gone,' he says and at first Black doesn't even hear him, his hands moving down his chest. 'I said, she's gone.'
Black breaks out of his daze this time, 'Oh,' he whispers, his lips flushed red. 'Right, sorry about that.' Black stands up, running his hands through his hair and looking more confused than relieved at having gotten rid of his pursuer. Black doesn't even seem to be looking at him, but beyond, his eyes a dulled shade of grey. If he didn't know better, he would say, Black looked a little bit terrified.
He watches Black leave, a slight rosy tint to his cheeks as he touches his lips. He knows it doesn't mean anything, but he feels his heart twinge nonetheless.
Sirius stared at Moony in shock. Their foreheads were still touching and Sirius could clearly see the flecks of gold in Moony's amber eyes, looking at him with trepidation and adoration, all at the same time. Thin fingers entwined with his, squeezing softly.
Sirius remembered this day; not the boy he had kissed, but he remembered the moment as the day he had truly begun to question his sexuality. It had been his Sixth Year and James had coaxed Sirius into getting his first girlfriend – Sirius did not remember her either. He did remember wanting to be rid of her after only a week, but not knowing how. She followed him, wanting answers for his erratic behaviour and he had instead done what he knew would finally get her off his back. He had staged a kiss with "another girl", but then it had gone further. Sirius had wanted it to go further; had wanted to feel the erection pressing against his, the slight stubble that scraped across his jaw, even the coarseness of the hair that littered the boy's arms.
The boy had been Moony: pale, thin, with eyes so beautifully expressive that they drew you into them like a black hole. Sirius remembered him only now with perfect clarity; but even then, it was the only memory he had of Moony. Had they been in the same Year? Sirius didn't remember ever seeing him after that, but he also remembered from Moony's memory, the need to hide and disappear. He had felt a constant fear in Moony's mind; one of being found and persecuted. Found for what?
Sirius felt none of this fear from the Moony sitting in front of him with a kind eyes and gentle smile. He felt the burden of sorrow, but stronger than anything else, he felt Moony's heart beating loudly against his chest.
'I've loved you ever since…'
This chapter henceforth dissuades any theories that say that Remus wiped out Sirius or James's memories. He didn't. So what is he actually doing? No one knows! O_O Also, there are many running theories about Romulus. The story is not that complicated. Romulus is simply Remus's baby brother and a way of showing that Remus's parents have moved on. No alternate time dimensions and quantum physics. Hope that clears up a few things! So, today is a big match and I'm not sure who's watching, but GO PAKISTAN! But...Sri Lanka for the finals of course. ^_^ Anyway, do drop in a review and cheers!
Moko: Oh, thank you for pointing it out! I didn't think of it at all, so it's been fixed now to flow better with the timeline! I do hope you enjoyed this chapter and thanks for reviewing! Moonlight: Thank you so much! I do try to maintain a slight oddness and that eerie quality to the writing while not making it too dark at the same time. So I'm glad its working. Hope you enjoyed the chapter! ThornLeaf: Thank you so much! I wanted to put an irony with Remus's family, where he kept their last names Wolfe and then Remus's brother being given a similar name, as in mythology. I'm so glad you caught it. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!