DISCLAIMER: The Twilight characters of course all belong to Stephenie Meyer and are her property; no copyright infringement is intended nor will any money be earned by me from them. I'm just living in her world for a little bit.

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for,
great enough to die for."
Daq Hammarskjold

CHAPTER 2: LONELINESS OF LOVE

Come on Edward… You've got to get some sleep! I taunted myself. I sighed, again thinking over what had brought me to this point.

My 29th birthday had 'happened' four months previously. June 20th to be exact, and I felt so, so much older than that number indicated.

Happened. How does a birthday happen instead of being an event? I sighed. Thank God for Rosalie and Alice.

It was supposed to have been a nice, family gathering at my parents home in London. With the only other revelers being my girlfriend Lauren—ex-girlfriend now—my sister Alice and her family, consisting of her husband Jasper Whitlock, their twin children Susanna and Joseph, and my two best friends who happened to be dating each other; Rosalie Hale and Emmett McCarty. It ended up being very different than what we had planned for originally.

I should feel sad… With my head now falling back against the sofa cushion, I realized that I just couldn't come up with the right amount of anger, frustration, or outrage over Lauren's betrayal. I just couldn't feel it. I felt so… Disconnected. We had dated for almost the entire three years that I'd been home from my second stint at University; strange I couldn't even feel annoyed about it all.

You'd think I'd feel bitter, when all I really feel is disregard. I shook my head slightly and sighed a little more loudly. I was too keyed up, thinking about too many things at once… But I couldn't quite grasp any one particular thought in my head.

I looked up at the grandfather clock in my sister's front room for what seemed like the hundredth time. 2:00 a.m. I blew my breath out loudly. Great. I was very grateful to Alice and Jasper—they were, as usual, lifesavers. I smirked thinking of how excited my niece and nephew had been to have their uncle staying with them for an extended period of time.

They were great kids. I hadn't realized how much I'd been missing of them growing up, how much I'd been missing them because of Lauren. She had always been possessive. I'd stupidly written it off as part of the odd way she seemed to love me… Ignorant—that's you Cullen. I grimaced. And yet…

I looked back on that particular birthday as a fateful event. That had been when I'd decided to completely change the direction of my life.

I'd be leaving in a few weeks to visit my grandmother in America, and it was for these and other reasons I couldn't sleep. The future seemed promising and frightening all at once.

As I ran my hands through my hair, I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees, and tilted my head down leaving my hands at the back of my head. I wish I could sleep… I'd been so restless in their guest bedroom that I'd come downstairs to see if I could relax on Alice's sectional sofa. I Guess not…

I should have probably stopped thinking over the events of the past few months and try a little harder to get some sleep but of course... I didn't.

~~:::~~

Rosalie and I had been best friends since grade school. We'd always, for as long as I could remember, watched each other's backs. She was very attractive—long, wavy blonde hair, high cheekbones, large, deep blue eyes, and a gorgeous smile. But she found it to be a curse rather than a blessing.

I was relatively good looking but I'd always thought of myself as too gangly, too lean. I was also rather shy. I didn't exactly ooze charm but did fairly well to obtain dates for school events and special occasions. However, Rose seemed to be able to sense when girls were being insincere, when they were using me for attention, or, as we got older, were only hoping to get to my family's money. I was oblivious. But I was not ignorant of how boys, and later men, would look at her. For some reason, we'd never been attracted to each other… It was as if I had another sister, one my age rather than two years younger than me as Alice was.

A couple of days before the party we had planned on having at my parents home to celebrate my birthday, Rose had decided to come up from West Sussex to visit with Alice and do some shopping.

On that infamous morning several days before my birthday, Rose had been out at the local street market picking up some flowers for my mother, when she caught sight of Lauren…

Kissing someone other than me.

Not just a little peck on the cheek, mind you—quite passionately.

Rosalie now knew that Lauren was cheating on me. She had always suspected but never had proof. Now that she did she was absolutely livid.

She went back to Alice's to tell her about it and figure out what she should do. Tell me right away? Confront Lauren? She told Alice she wasn't even sure how 'in love' I was with Lauren.

Alice was stoic about the news. She told her that she was actually glad, since she had never trusted Lauren and didn't believe that we were even remotely in love with each other, to the point that I seemed to Alice to be extremely detached from the relationship. After Rosalie mulled over what Alice had just told her and what she'd observed, she agreed with her. They decided to tell me about Lauren's infidelity right away.

As I had looked down at my cell phone that auspicious day, I had a strange premonition… As if my life was going to be taking a sudden, wide curve but that I would somehow be better off for it. It was a rather strange feeling.

Alice and Rosalie asked nervously if I could come to Alice's place right away. Without Lauren. I told them that wouldn't be hard; I hadn't seen her for several days. They got rather quiet over the phone and I realized they had something to tell me about Lauren.

When I got to Alice's, they were both sitting on the sectional sofa in the front living room, with pensive looks on both their faces. Both of them had their legs crossed at the ankle and their hands folded in their laps. I didn't even say anything to them, I just slowly sat down on the edge of the sectional opposite them.

"Look, Edward," Rosalie began first, I assumed later it was because she had been the one to witness the betrayal. "I saw Lauren today." She stared into my eyes and I could see the worry there for me. Oh-oh, where's this going? I wanted to feel concerned but… Somehow, I just couldn't.

"I saw Lauren at the open market this morning. She was very clearly romantically involved with someone. And, since you've already said that you haven't seen her today… Well, I obviously don't need to get my eyes checked, since I know it was her and you've confirmed that it wasn't you." Rosalie's way had always been the direct approach. I smiled slightly in spite of her news.

Alice fidgeted next to her. My hyper, cute, and omniscient sister. She was basically a faerie sprite. Or, as Rose liked to call her, a pixie. Even though she was blonde like our father, she choose to die her hair jet black and I couldn't honestly imagine it any other way. It was spiky, with a few pieces always hanging down into her eyes. Her eyes were large and ice blue, also like our father's. But she was very petite like our mother. As she sat on her couch, still slightly bouncing and without making eye contact, she began to tell me what she thought of the situation.

"Look Edward, I know that this is really, really rotten timing, what with your birthday party happening in two days and everything… But we decided that you needed to know right away." She then looked at me slightly askance. "Are you o.k.?" She had a glint in her eyes that I recognized as her going into overprotective-mode, but this was one instance I was glad of this tendency in her character.

"Yeah, actually I am." I placed my hands on my knees and tapped my fingers lightly against my kneecaps. "I'm actually not surprised." I stopped tapping my fingers and nodded at them both. "I've suspected something wasn't right for awhile now." I suddenly wondered in my head if things had ever been 'right' between Lauren and myself.

They exchanged glances and appeared to take in a deep breath at the same time. "O.k., well, I'm really glad you're not too distraught about this revelation. I would never want to interfere in your life, but I won't stand by and watch you be humiliated." Rosalie had crossed her arms in front of her and gotten a very steely look in her eyes. I was thankful I'd never been on the receiving end of her wrath.

Both Alice and Rose seemed to almost need more comforting than I did... I raised my eyebrows at them both and tried to smile.

Since they were both rather strong-willed, I needed to make sure they wouldn't try to take matters into their own hands, however.

"Look, I'd appreciate it if you both would not say anything to mum and dad." I let my breath out loudly. "I'm going to go over there… Well, right now, actually. I don't want them to be taken by surprise with this." I looked at them both with my head tilted, through my eyelashes, trying to give them both a stern look.

Of course my sister laughed at me. "O.k. No problem."

"Yes, well, that's fine but you're going to be breaking up with Lauren today, right?" Rosalie's eyebrows were scrunched together, as if she were afraid my answer wasn't going to please her. This was one of the few instances that she was going to be wrong.

My answer would please her immensely.

I got very quiet for a minute. They both started to fidget. I brought my hands down on my knees with a slight slap as I got up from the sofa. "I'll be breaking up with her as I'm on my way to mum and dad's. Unless she doesn't answer her cell…" I frowned at that thought.

Rosalie exhaled loudly and Alice jumped up with her hands clasped together as she gave a little shout of "Yay!"

She got a little embarrassed by her own reaction and walked me to the front door with her hand on my back. "I'm sorry, Edward. Even though I never trusted her, this can't be enjoyable for you in any way."

She pouted a little, so I reached down and kissed her cheek. "It's o.k., Alice. I know you're only concerned about my happiness."

She rubbed my back and then gave me a hug. "See you."

"Yep."

Rosalie slowly walked to the front door and came up to me with her hand outstretched to reach out and touch my cheek. "We love you, Edward. Be happy, that's all we really want for you."

"I know. Thank you for watching out for me, for both of you being my sisters." I smiled down at them still trying, in an odd way, to comfort them.

~~:::~~

I did end up reaching Lauren via her cell. She tried to deny what Rosalie had witnessed. Tried to use guilt, incredibly, and then threats to get me to not break up with her. I explained that I'd known in my heart for quite a long time that she had been completely indifferent to our relationship, to my feelings, to me. That she had always been taking from me but had never, ever given any of herself to the relationship. I could tell as her tone changed that she realized that I'd never loved her either, not really. That it had been familiarity that had kept us together for so long.

I stopped speaking after a little while. It seemed I was beginning to repeat myself. She got very quiet. "I did try to be decent to you, Edward." She said suddenly.

What an odd thing to say… I felt my eyebrows come together of their own accord. It was as if she was admitting that she'd never loved me either. Which, I suppose, added up in my head a little too easily. I recognized that all I had ever been to her was what she perceived to be a link to a life of ease. I felt my frown deepen.

I had already decided in my head as she'd spoken that I would move out of my flat the next day, since she and I had spent so much time there together. I knew how uncomfortable I would now feel to be there.

I told her that I wished her well but that I didn't want her to try and see me again, that it would be best that we make a clean break from each other. However, I let her know that she was welcome to stay at my flat until the end of September since I had already paid for it that far in advance. Way to be practical, Cullen. We hung up and I assumed that we would never speak to each other again. I felt... Baffled. Why were we ever together? I sifted through our relationship in my mind…

Had it just been her incessant attention of me when I'd come home from University the first time; was that the main motivation for why I'd started dating her in the first place? I recognized that we must have stayed together for the simple reason that neither of us wanted to be alone. But that seemed… Wrong, on so many different levels.

Was I only afraid of being alone? No, not really.

I wondered if why I hadn't broken up with Lauren before, why I hadn't even cared that she'd cheated on me, was if I was actually either a coward or heartless. A gave a snort. Then I felt my head tilt slightly of its own accord.

Either I was lying to myself and I was actually terrified of being alone, which didn't fit my personality, or…

My heart was as cold as stone.

That's a pretty horrible thought, mate. I thought to myself chidingly. True love wouldn't be like a simple pairing of two strangers. I didn't want it to be like that. There should be passion, respect, need, sharing, giving, even romance.

I felt my eyebrows knit together. I slowly came to the realization that I didn't really know what love was supposed to be like for me. I'd seen it grow and evolve with my grandparents, my parents, Alice and her husband, Jasper, who was one of my best friends, and now with Rosalie and Emmett.

I'll never find someone that could love me like that. All I felt as I headed to my parents home was pathetic.

As dejected as I felt, it was time to go and explain what had happened—without the gory details of course—so they wouldn't be wondering why Lauren wasn't around anymore.

After I told them I had broken things off with Lauren, explaining that I didn't expect them to treat her any differently, they didn't really react. They just sat at the dining room table, holding hands, vacillating from staring at me to glancing at one another every few minutes.

My mother finally spoke. "Edward… We love you. We're both so sorry that you didn't find what you were looking for with Lauren." She smiled at me softly. She was so beautiful—inside and out. I had her hair, her eyes and, until a few years ago, her optimism. I abruptly felt sad.

"Son, you will find what you're looking for. You deserve happiness. This will probably seem like an odd time to tell you this but… We're so proud of you." My father was the best example I'd ever seen of how to treat people with respect and sincerity.

"Thank you. That means a lot to me." I put my fist to my mouth and coughed a little nervously. "Look, I'd like to discuss something else with both of you…" My hand fell to my lap and I felt my leg begin to bounce nervously. I don't know why I felt nervous—they'd never been anything other than supportive of me my entire life.

I'd been thinking all afternoon about motivation and providence. I now had an unexpected vision of my future in my mind.

"This whole situation with Lauren… With me about to turn 29…" I looked at each of them in turn, holding their gaze for a few moments before I continued. Better just spit it out, mate. "I've decided to move out of London and down to Coates Castle to handle the management of our family's estate."

My mother looked slightly surprised but extremely pleased and my father, well… "Edward, it would be an honor to have my oldest child and only son take care of our family's inheritance." I fought back the moisture in my eyes and stood up as my father did, as he came towards me to shake my hand.

"Thanks, dad." As he reached for my hand to shake it, he pulled me into a hug with his other arm. "Well done Edward, well done." I smiled hugely.

Since I'd gotten my Bachelors degree in Biological Sciences and my Masters in Veterinary Science from Cambridge, I hadn't really known what I was going to do next, exactly. After spending four years at Cambridge completing my Bachelors, my friends were aghast when I decided to go back after a short break and start work on my Masters. My goal wasn't really to go all the way through to receive a PhD but I wanted some practical experience… I just didn't know exactly why. Now, after everything that had transpired, I understood what direction my subconscious had always been heading in.

I'd always had a great appreciation for our family's ancestral home; I loved it there. Even though it was called a 'castle,' it really wasn't. It was a rather large, stately manor house, surrounded by over 600 acres of parkland, forest, farmland, as well as pastoral and grazing land. It was located in West Sussex, south of London by a few hours, southeast of the 16th Century town of Petworth.

My father, Carlisle Anthony David Cullen, in addition to Alice and I, were the last living relatives of the Duchess that had the home built in the mid 1800's. Of course, the estate's history went much, much farther back than that, but the manor house that stood currently was still basically the same since the Duchess had had it built; except for renovations over the years to keep it updated with contemporary conveniences like forced-air heating and a modernized kitchen.

In the 1890's the Duchess' grandson Albert, Carlisle's grandfather and my great-grandfather, left home to go find his fortune. Before he'd left, however, he had met and married my paternal great-grandmother, leaving her pregnant and alone. Her daughter, my grandmother, lived on the estate her entire life, even marrying the estate manager Edward Anthony Cullen, my namesake. When my father was a teenager, he moved to London to attend school and never looked back. He had never shown much interest in what had become, by default, the Cullen family estate.

After my impromptu pronouncement of my future to my parents, the next day we had a family council in order to include Alice and Jasper into the discussion, since it was their home too. Alice was very excited and Jasper had no problem at all with my plans. In fact, he jokingly asked what had taken me so long. He'd always known it was what I was meant to do.

Since the estate was rather large and I was planning on taking it over at the beginning of the following year, it didn't make sense to release the current estate manager right away. He had always done an excellent job of running the estate.

Of course, there was another reason we made that decision. He was Lauren's father, James Mallory. He had been running the estate since I was very little. He'd always come across to me as a harsh man, and I could now clearly see his selfishness and callousness reflected in Lauren.

Little did we realize then that he had a dark and deeply sinister aspect to his personality…

Alice took me out of my abstraction by telling the family that she and Jasper had decided to visit our grandmother in America for Christmas. That sounds nice. I should think about going…

My mother, Esme Susanna Masen-Cullen was American, born and raised in Connecticut on the east coast of the United States. My father had met her while working on his doctorate at the Lyme Academy College of Fine Arts, at which my mother was a student at the time.

They always described their courtship as rather brief and would always smile together about it. They had only known each other for two months when my father asked for her hand in marriage. When my father had gone to my maternal grandfather to ask for her hand, he was so taken aback that he had said no.

Then Gran took matters into her hands, seeing immediately that my mother's heart would be broken beyond repair without Carlisle. She told my grandfather that she could not understand how he couldn't see how much my father adored their daughter and that he would make a fine addition to the family. My grandfather immediately changed his mind and, well, the rest became history.

My mother's mother has always been a very unique individual. All of us have always been very close with Elizabeth "Lizzie" Masen, Gran to us. My grandfather had passed away almost ten years previously and she had continued to live in the home that they'd built together in the 1940's. But I'd avoided talking to Gran very much over the past few years.

Of course the reason seemed obvious to me now. I'd been avoiding her, unconsciously aware that she would be able to pick up on the insincerity of Lauren's and my relationship and our indifference to each other, my unhappiness…

Something about the news that Alice had delivered about our Gran kept gnawing at me. I didn't figure it out until my birthday party.

My birthday wasn't what it had originally been planned to be but everyone had a great time nonetheless. Rosalie had informed Emmett before they arrived that Lauren was no longer part of my life. He seemed more relaxed around me than I'd seen him in a long time. Rosalie told me later that he had felt that Lauren had been slowly killing my soul. I was a bit taken aback by that; Emmett always came across as a big jokester, but he was really quite loyal and caring. He was pleased I'd ended things with her. Rosalie never told him about Lauren's cheating. She figured his temper would have gotten the better of him if he'd known that. Jasper was also very happy about my new single status.

My father hinted around about my decision regarding the estate, so I ended up telling everyone over dinner about it. They were all very supportive and enthusiastic of my decision. Of course, my parents, Alice and Jasper already knew but they were still thrilled I was being more official about it. Emmett was very excited since he had moved back to his family home the previous year, which was located in Barlavington, West Sussex, only a few minutes' drive from the Cullen estate.

While he and Alice were talking animatedly about the estate, I suddenly realized who I really needed to talk to about this sudden change in direction my life had taken.

"I'd like to make a toast to Gran," I lifted my champagne glass to everyone and they all lifted there's brightly. "May she be found in good spirits and even better health." There were plenty of 'here-here's' said and that's when I told them that I would be taking a trip to see her, to check up on her and do some catching up, as soon as I could.

~~:::~~

Mid-September apparently was as soon as I could get away. It ended up being fortuitous, since Alice had received a phone call from Gran's doctor telling her that she had been quite unwell but was now doing wonderfully, and he expected her to be heading home in a few weeks. Alice told us we needn't worry since she'd already spoken with Gran's caretaker, George, and he was looking forward to having her come home.

I decided to go over and see Gran towards the end of October, so she'd have plenty of time to be settled back in at home after her hospital stay. I called George to let him know my plans so that he'd be able to prepare things without alerting my Gran about it. That way she couldn't blow me off as if she didn't need any attention.

Which, admittedly, she hadn't ever needed our help with anything before but I had other reasons to see her. I wanted her advice, her thoughts, and hopefully her support of my decision.

And, I think, I wanted her guidance on how I was ever going to find true love. Talk about fortuitous… I smiled at the absurdity of the memory.

~~:::~~

A/N: Reviews are like... Getting a warm and fuzzy feeling 'cause you've comforted Edward. Awwww... Please review!