Title: Between Dreams and Reality

Disclaimer: Artwork is Forgive Me Sirius by Satine Black ( satine- black. deviantart )

Rating: M

Chapter Five: Shrieks of Agony

Love.

It was a feeling Sirius had always yearned for but never quite understood. He had watched people in love enviously, year after year, as they lost themselves in each other; dedicated themselves completely to that one person they thought was made for them. Frank and Alice; Arthur and Molly; James and Lily; all of his friends and colleagues had married off one by one and Sirius had remained as he was: painfully alone. A part of Sirius always reminded him that perhaps things like this were beyond the realms of Blacks.

Sirius had never even known love until he'd met James Potter and his family; his parents had never loved him and sometimes, Sirius felt that Regulus had never loved him either. If he had, then he would have come to Sirius first instead of running to Dumbledore and pledging allegiance to the Order. If Regulus had loved Sirius, he would have trusted his older brother to protect him. There had been people- girls – in school who had adored him for his money and rebellious attitude, but none who had truly loved him. James and Lily Potter were the first to love Sirius; not out of obligation but true affection. Yet, despite it all, he still felt selfishly empty; as if left with a gaping hole that wanted desperately to be filled.

Moony loved him; loved.

Loved in a way that was unconditional; and showed in the light touches of his hands and the desperation in his eyes that pleaded for Sirius to simply accept him. Four years; Moony had loved him since Sixth Year and never asked for anything in return; not even a simple acknowledgement. Loved and loved and loved; never once feeling spite or regret for having chosen Sirius. Sirius who was flawed and broken irreparably; a person who people seemed almost afraid to love; Moony had wanted him through all of that. This fact alone further fueled his desperation to find Moony; everything about him – his past and his present. Dreams weren't enough anymore; Sirius wanted the real Moony; to feel the warmth of his embrace and the soft puffs of his breath against Sirius's skin. Sirius wanted to kiss him once more…

'Are you going to sign or what?'

Sirius startled out of his thoughts and realised he was still holding his quill against the sign-up sheet, poised and ready to write his name. He smiled sheepishly at James, who tapped his foot impatiently and looked expectantly at the quill in Sirius's hands. 'Yeah, sorry,' he apologised, quickly signing his name in and handing it over to James. 'You too? Didn't think you would…'

James shrugged nonchalantly, though his eyes betrayed his nervousness. 'You can never have enough skills on the battlefield,' he replied somberly, 'Animagus forms are practically impossible to detect if done well – it's a crucial tool against our enemies.' He stuck the sheet back on the notice board with a simple charm, and Sirius could tell by the way his eyes moved that he was memorising the first two names that appeared before them. Sirius had done the same. 'There aren't many who can achieve the transformation entirely; most don't even attempt because the risks are high. It gives us an advantage…'

Sirius hummed in agreement. It was no wonder Sirius and James were always mistaken for brothers; they even thought in sync most of the time. 'James,' Sirius started, distractedly, 'Do you remember that pale boy in our year? Very quiet; didn't have too many friends?'

James frowned. 'Not really? Why?'

Sirius shrugged, trying to appear blasé. 'No reason in particular. Just remembered him all of a sudden, but couldn't quite place his name. I suppose the Hogwarts Library would have it in their alumni section, wouldn't they?' There was a bitter taste in his mouth at the thought of having to go back to Hogwarts and facing his old Headmaster. There was a scar of hatred in Sirius's heart for the old man and no claims of how great a man he is or his acts of kindness could deter the hate from spreading every time he thought of the old wizard. Sirius detested him; hadn't met Dumbledore in years because he knew that if he did, there was no containing his rage.

'That's a lot of trouble for a boy you just had passing thought about,' James observed, raising a suspicious eyebrow, knowing of Sirius's bitterness better than anyone else.

Sirius snorted. 'It is,' he replied vaguely, turning away. He was truly getting desperate if he was actually considering returning to Hogwarts…

'So, Sirius, James tells me your Animagus form is quite "intimidating".' Lily Potter chuckled as she stressed on her last word. Obviously her husband had told her nothing as such.

'It's the Grim,' Sirius griped, shooting a glare towards James, though the heat was lost when he shoved more bread into his mouth. The past few days had involved much trial and error and exhausting of magic, which only heightened his ravenous hunger. They'd only been five in the class, which gave Moody plenty of opportunity to bully them into submission; going as far as threatening to permanently leave the first appendage Sirius had sprouted after what felt like a bout of constipation - his tail.

'It's a puppy,' James threw back, before bursting into raucous laughter. 'You should see it, Lily, it's this little black ball of fur, tail wagging and all. Everyone actually stopped trying to transform just to pet him. Even Moody forgot to be constantly vigilant.'

Each class had taken up seven straight hours of each day and by the end of each, Sirius had done nothing but collapse into bed. Sleep had come peacefully though Sirius hadn't wanted it to. He had waited. He had waited for Moony, so desperately wanting to see him that his mind was plagued with thoughts of him. Eyes, nose, skin, hair - he imagined each feature to perfection, before falling asleep in disappointment...

The first thing that Sirius noticed when he came to was the wreckage. The room looked like it had gone through a war, leaving nothing whole including itself. It was a wooden house, clearly being held together by strong magic through the disaster that had struck it. The room was as bare as its walls, the wood cracked in several places as if by brute force. It didn't escape Sirius's notice that there were large claw marks extending across the walls – each of different length and depth; almost as if the animal responsible had been bred here into adulthood. Whatever had been caged here had been a far cry from a puppy; he didn't want to think about what it had been, so he resolutely ignored the splatters of red-brown across the wall surface. Instead, he looked towards the sole piece of furniture that lay in the corner of the room: a bed, with its occupant staring at him with wide eyes, almost disbelievingly.

'I'm not asleep,' Sirius realised aloud. Almost immediately, the room flickered like bad static. Even his own hands jerked colours, almost disappearing before reappearing again. It reminded Sirius of the Potter's television set.

'No.' Moony shook his head slowly. Hesitantly, he reached out a hand for Sirius, beckoning him closer as if wanting to clarify Sirius's presence through touch. His hands mapped Sirius's face as he sat down on the bed; fingers dipping into the bow of his lips and tracing the curve of his jaw. 'You wanted to see me,' Moony whispered, his voice hoarse and a little weak. Only then did Sirius notice how painfully thin Moony was; his collar bones tenting his t-shirt obscenely. Had he been this thin from the start? 'You came because you wanted to see me. It wasn't just me this time…' Moony's face broke into a smile as he looked up at Sirius, his amber eyes glimmering.

Sirius smiled back weakly, about to ask how, when he felt Moony's hands against the nape of his neck, pushing gently until their lips met. Sirius felt his breath hitch, eyes closing as Moony's lips pressed closer, sucking his lower lip; only a hint of tongue brushing against the corners of his mouth. This wasn't the first time they'd kissed surely, but suddenly, it felt it; it felt like a first kiss – hesitance and chaste touches, pleasant tingles and that giddy sort of reserved happiness that begged to burst forth. Sirius wondered if the difference was because he knew now how much Moony loved him.

'H-How?' Sirius asked once they had parted, though he found his curiosity dwindling quickly at the sight of Moony's flush lips. His heart beat, if possible, quickened even more; his nerves on fire from sudden awareness of how close they were and how every inch of their bodies seemed to be touching. He loves me, Sirius thought silently. 'You were a dream…'

Moony shook his head. 'I told you before: I'm not a dream. I-' His face screwed up in thought. 'I don't know what I am or what this is,' he tried explaining, waving at their surroundings. He looked as confused as Sirius felt. 'I have a theory…that your mind, to me, is a bit like a Pensieve. Everything we see now is created out of my memory alone and we're just bystanders.'

Sirius frowned, his eyes warily surveying their surroundings; lingering a few seconds too long on the boarded window and how thin beams of light stained with reddish brown as it passed through each crack. 'It's magic, then?' He asked unsurely, moving his eyes back to Moony's.

Moony shrugged. 'I don't know, to be honest. I only know that it's easier when you're asleep because you are at your weakest then; all your guards and defenses are pulled down…so…I can see you…' He rested a hand on top of Sirius's, fingers tracing the groove of each bone. 'The first time; I only remembered wanting to see you, so badly. So, so badly that my body ached and…it felt like…' Moony's eyes wavered, as if hesitant to say more. 'I needed you.'

Sirius swallowed heavily, feeling his heart speed up once again. He turned his hand, palm upwards, entwining his fingers with Moony's; feeling the overwhelming warmth and the gentle pressure of thin fingers that felt so right against his. Sirius remembered the first time Moony had begun to appear; back then only as blurred shaped behind a thin sheet of fear and a voice that called out to him again and again till it grew hoarse. How long ago had that been; few days, months?

Moony was staring at their joint hands almost disbelievingly, and laughed when their eyes caught. 'Dumbledore would have called it the power of love.'

The comment was made almost fondly, bringing a scowl to Sirius's face. 'Yes, that does sound like the sort of misleading tosh he would say,' he growled, moving his hand away from Moony's, focusing his angry eyes on his shoes because it wasn't Moony's fault. It wasn't Moony's fault that the silence that followed tasted bitter in Sirius's mouth; nor was it Moony's fault that despite all the years that had passed since Regulus's death, Sirius's resentment and grief had yet to fade. 'He killed my brother. I bet he never mentioned that to you, did he?'

'Regulus?' Though Sirius could not see him, he heard the pity in Moony's voice, but with an underlying curiosity. 'You never got along in school though, did you?' A comforting warmth pressed against his side as Moony sidled closer, their knees and elbows touching and their inhales and exhales alternating to form an odd sort of symphony.

'Regulus was a stupid boy; he didn't have the brains to fill an egg cup and constantly craved acceptance from his peers, our parents…me. And just like the stupid boy he was, he got too far in the war too quick, thinking Voldemort was just another way to earn praise.' Sirius laughed derisively. 'He was such a coward when we were younger; he couldn't even kill a cockroach because he was too busy screaming and raising hell. What was he going to do as a Death Eater? It took him only a month to realise this for himself and then he did the stupidest thing of all: he went to Dumbledore.'

'For help…' Moony whispered softly, though with a hint of question.

'To get killed,' Sirius spat with contempt. 'Dumbledore assigned him to a mission and he got killed in a stupid cave. They didn't have a body because it was lying with the Inferi. They didn't have an excuse because they all knew the outcome. Regulus was sent to die and till today, no one will tell me why or how. Not even James.' He bit back a choked sob, suddenly feeling the burden of James's betrayal more than ever. He had never voiced his feelings over Regulus's death, masking them only with hatred and anger – the only emotions he could express without exposing his weaknesses. 'Order regulations, he said.' Sirius snorted. 'Fuck the Order. Fuck Dumbledore.'

Suddenly, the warmth of Moony's skin moved away, leaving Sirius feeling cold. 'Dumbledore,' he whispered defiantly, his hands clenched in his lap, 'Dumbledore was the first person outside my parents to ever care for me. He believed in me. He gave me a second chance when no one else would. He loved me when no one else would.'

I love you, Sirius wanted to say, though he wasn't sure how he came into that thought process. He wanted to tell Moony that the feeling of being so unwanted was just as deeply rooted in Sirius as it was in him. He wanted to tell Moony that for the first time in his entire life, Sirius did not feel alone; sitting here in a memory with a person his delusional mind could have easily conjured up from his inadequacies and need to be understood. Instead, his hatred took over and lips curled into a cruel sneer, 'That's a bit dramatic, don't you think? You speak as if you were some sort of sewer rat.'

Moony's laughter was one without humour. 'Let me show you something and perhaps then you will understand what kind of sewer rat I really am. Maybe after this, I'll lose you forever, but I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of not trusting people…'

Sirius felt the blood rush to his face when he realised that Moony was slowly unbuttoning his shirt. He spluttered, trying to find words to say or at least calm the sudden surge of desire that was rushing through him. He watched, eyes turning wide, first with lust and then horror, as the shirt fell away to reveal pale, creamy skin crisscrossed with thin scars – some still a fresh red.

'What-' His throat clenched tightly, stomach twisting and churning with the sick realisation that each scar matched the clawed grooves in the walls perfectly. There were millions of them; leaving not an inch of skin unmarred; twisting up his arms and disappearing below his waist only barely hidden by trousers. The house they were in had been used for torture, he realised; the chinks coming into place. Only someone truly sickcould be responsible for this kind of abuse. 'Who did this to you?' Sirius asked, an almost frustrated anger building up inside him. He grabbed Moony by the forearms, shaking him wildly. 'Tell me who did this to you?'

'I did.' Moony replied impassively and then suddenly grabbed both sides of Sirius's face and pressed their foreheads together.

Sirius felt his eyes roll back as a whirlwind of images flashed through his mind.

Blood. Pain. The moon – so bright, so round – hate hate hate. The agony of loneliness that tore screams from hoarse throats and broke bones and pushed claws further. Rejection, hatred – the fear that he'd be found.

Find me.

Dark corners where he hides, watching and watching as people pass by – wanting.

Find me. See me. Acknowledge me.

The tick tick tick of every second that passed, waiting and waiting and waiting for it to start and then wondering if it would just end. End end end – this is the last – until one short gasp of breath brings him back and he cries. He howls at night. He cries in the mornings.

I don't want to die...

The hands left him and Sirius reeled backwards from the force, his eyes wide and mouth hung open as he swallowed lung-fulls of air. His mind tried desperately to cope with the information, trying to overwrite the sensory overload that had all his nerves screaming from pain that he had never felt and the tightness in his chest that restricted the words that gathered in the middle of his throat.

'This is my truth,' Moony whispered, his eyes hard and challenging. 'My name is Remus John Lupin and I am a werewolf. This is where I used to transform every month – the Shrieking Shack.'

The minute the words had left Moony's mouth, the air filled with a piercing shriek of agony. The glass surface on Sirius's watch cracked, as his hands moved to press tightly against his ears. It felt like pins jabbing into his ear, making his eyes well up from pain and he was almost sure that there was a trickle of blood moving past the side of his face. Sirius could almost feel the pain that seemed to be projecting through each high pitched scream, his mind drawing images that Moony had shown him. He forced his eyes open to see Remus, his mouth moving to form words Sirius couldn't understand. He concentrated harder, watching Moony's lips move with each syllable, spelling out the words:

'S-t-o-p. I-t.'

'Fucking Merlin's hell, are you all right?' James and Lily's worried faces appeared in front of his bleary eyes and he blinked, trying to take in the wandering hands that settled on his pulse and the feeling of rough carpeting scraping against his oversensitised skin. His head seemed to be buzzing with too much and too little information at the same time, ears screaming for silence as Lily and James seemed to be yelling right into his ear.

'Mmhh,' Sirius groaned, pushing his hands against his ears, wanting to tell them to please be quiet. No one seemed to be listening.

'Oi, your ears are bleeding. Lily, Sirius's…'

He was so tired. So, so tired; like every cell in his body had been drained of its energy. He was supposed to remember something; something deathly important that had happened – some kind of lead to his never ending search for—

For what?

'Stay with me, love,' Sirius didn't like being slapped. Not when he just wanted to sleep. 'Sirius, come on, pet, let me just check if…'

Sirius just wanted to sleep.

Everything finally fit; Sirius had the evidence right in his hands. Remus Lupin had been the first of his kind to go to Hogwarts at the same time as Sirius; under complete secrecy because if found out, things would have gotten farther than a simple expulsion. It would have meant a possible execution, especially towards the end of their years when Voldemort's rise had become an epidemic and suspects were being slain at the blink of an eye. Werewolves, even today, were high on the list of possible Death Eaters; Moony's unit being the only one which did not follow the "Death upon sight" rule. It explained Remus's secrecy in school; the reason he spent so much time in the shadows, suppressing himself. It hurt to think of the pain Remus must have gone through; the hurt he must have experienced when he saw the hatred in everyone's eyes; the agony of being so invisible and alone that it reflected so clearly in the other man's eyes. It made Sirius feel rightfully ashamed of himself for being so selfish his entire life; at least he had had James and Lily.

He rang the doorbell again, his foot tapping with impatience. He thumped on the door for good measure, grinning when he heard a muffled curse that sounded distinctly like, 'Merlin's missing bullock!'

'Sirius,' James grumbled sleepily as he opened the door, 'What could possibly have you knocking at my front door so-' He frowned, rubbing his eyes and squinting. 'You look like shit, mate; when's the last time you slept or took a bloody shower?'

Sirius shrugged, pushing his way in. He'd spent the last two days and nights pouring through Ministry records, both in the magical division and beast division. He hadn't really had time for anything else; he had needed to find answers and finally find Remus. A shirt change could wait. 'Forget that. I've finally found him. All those time you told me it wasn't real, Jamie-boy; I have proof now. I can sh-'

'Sirius,' James held up his hands exasperatedly, 'I don't know what you're talking about, but you sound and look like a fucking lunatic. You passed out the other day from fucking exhaustion and Lily told you to sleep. But here you come barging in at fucking two o'clock in the morning with a twenty three o'clock shadow on your face to tell me about you half assed theories that-'

'His name is Remus Lupin,' Sirius cut in and he felt a sense of triumph at the look of shock on James's face. 'The man in my dreams...but they're not really dreams…it's this complex magic that I can't really figure out, but last time I think I...' He shook his head, running his hand through his hair where it got stuck in one of the knotted clumps. 'No, I'm pretty sure I asserted one of my memories of the Shrieking Shack…remember when we-'

'Sirius, stop,' James forced out, putting his hands up. It didn't go beyond Sirius's notice that James was suddenly shaking. 'You're rambling and not making any sense. How can it be-'

Sirius pressed one of the Ministry files into James's hand, for once, confident of his sanity and mind. 'This is him, James,' he replied, pointing towards the photocopied black and white picture of Remus on the side. 'Everything – all his details are in here: his history as a werewolf, Hogwarts, his…what's the matter?'

James had slid down to the ground, one trembling hand resting against his forehead while the other rested against the floor almost as if holding him up. 'Sirius,' he started, licking his lips, 'Remus Lupin was sent on a werewolf mission for the Order four months ago. I was on his search mission myself. They mangled him beyond…' He swallowed, hazel eyes misty as they looked up at Sirius. 'He's dead.'

Is this the part where I beg for mercy and say, don't kill me pwease! T_T I beg for everyone to remember that I always do stories with happy endings, afterlife or present life or all that. So, bear with me. Also, thank you for all the reviews, favourites and alerts. I really had no idea this fic would pick up so well, so thank you for being so awesome and reading!

Randomisation: Hello, your PM is disabled so just wanted to drop in a thank you for reviewing! Moko: Well, I guess your theories have been proven right! Congratulations! ^_^ Hope you still enjoyed the chapter and don't hate me too much! MelanieWitz: Thank you! I do try to keep things fresh and different, so I'm glad you think so. Hope you liked this chapter! ThornLeaf: Lol. I guess he was too involved with himself and the situation to really remember Remus, but he's hooked now and there's no going back! Bbls: Thank you! I do have quite a bit planned for this story, so do expect a lot more drama!