"Hope is the dream of a soul awake."
French Proverb

CHAPTER 6: BEGINNING TO HOPE

It had taken only a few minutes… Just two agonizing minutes for Edward to break my heart. I hadn't thought that I would ever have to experience that kind of pain again.

Apparently, I'd been wrong.

I cried. Of course, I cried. And I kept running. And running. I ran until my legs ached. My chest burned.

I ended up finding myself at the cemetery. How ironic. I'd come here to think before. Now that was the last thing I wanted to do. Think. Remember… His anger. What he'd said… But I couldn't help it. I had to work it out in my mind so I could attempt to figure out what to do now.

I sat down on the wall, leaning back against the biggest tree branch, pulling my knees up to my chest and encircling them with my arms. I shut my eyes tightly. Inevitably my crying slowed. I could breathe easier now…

It was a misunderstanding. I knew that. I also knew that I'd have to face him again at some point, since all my belongings were at Lizzie's house.

His grandmother's house.

This realization brought on more tears. How do you walk back into a house that you felt so much love in, felt so at home in… Face someone that was obviously never going to trust you… Never going to… Would never...

Would never love you.

I cried harder than I'd cried in a long, long time and admitted to myself that this was no crush, no infatuation.

I loved him.

This thought brought on heavy gasps for air. However, I wasn't going to make excuses for him. What he'd said was indefensible. Even though he couldn't possibly have known how much loss I had endured in my life already. I thought miserably.

I also knew deep in my heart that he had only been so angry because he was trying to protect his grandmother. He may not trust me but I did not, would not believe that he hated me. That he had been intentionally vicious. That didn't make sense to me at all. But… What he'd said… It hurt. Badly.

I mulled over my thought of it being a misunderstanding… Yes. I could head back to the house under that pretense. Mumble something about needing to get back home… A lump formed in my throat at the thought of 'home'.

I would always feel that this had been the first real home to my heart.

I had to be able to say goodbye to Lizzie. Hopefully I wouldn't even have to see him…

This thought brought on a new wave of tears.

What a mess. I put my hands up to my eyes and pressed my palms against them. I shouldn't have run away. It was going to be so much more difficult to leave Lizzie now, with this 'misunderstanding' hanging in the air. God. I just wanted to become part of the tree, the wall, the ground.

That's when I heard the quickening footsteps on the gravel path that lead up to the modest cemetery. I dropped my hands into my lap. I held my breath. I knew this couldn't possibly be Lizzie… Perhaps George?

NO!

There was just enough late afternoon light for me to see Edward heading straight for me. Oh God. I couldn't do this. I couldn't face him.

Before I could bolt, before I could even open my mouth to say anything, whether cruel and angry or loving and kind, he moved quickly along the wall to the place where I sat.

As he was moving towards me, he was saying something in a low and fervent tone. I couldn't quite make it out.

As he reached a spot on the ground that was roughly two feet from me he dropped to his knees, his hands falling to his thighs and his glorious eyes dropping from my view. He was averting them from my face.

I simply stared at him.

"Oh, Bella!" There were tears on his face. Wait, what? What was happening? I was confused… He wasn't angry, he wasn't yelling, he actually appeared anxious and refused to even look into my eyes.

He had said my name… Differently. The way I actually preferred being called. It was the first time he had ever done so. He'd always remained so… Formal.

Until now.

He was anything but formal; he seemed… Desperate. But that's how I'm feeling…

"Please, please…" He was… Begging? For what? I needed get less confused and listen to what he was actually saying if I expected to make sense of what was happening.

He continued speaking to the ground but in a now slightly stronger voice, "PLEASE find it somewhere in your beautiful, kind, and compassionate heart to forgive me."

I took a sudden intake of breath and my left hand flew to my face, my right hand partially extended out to him. Apparently he heard me but hadn't looked up yet to see my somewhat outstretched hand.

I saw his hands tense on his thighs, the tendons were actually visible to me. He had closed his eyes. He was—holding his breath it seemed—and waiting for a response.

Instead of saying anything I carefully stepped down and away from the wall. I still had my one hand extended out; now towards the top of his head. I tentatively stepped towards him, until I reached out and gently touched his hair. He slowly lifted his face to mine and opened his eyes again.

I was finally touching his hair. His messy but appealing hair… Looking into his deep-as-the-ocean green eyes, staring at his exquisite lips, his masculine jaw line…

Something sparked between us, instantly and fiercely, like lightning.

He fluidly stood up in front of me, with his left hand drifting quickly up my arm, to my shoulder, to the back of my neck; until he was gently threading his fingers through the hair at the base of my neck. His right hand rested on my hip for a few seconds, then drifted around to stop at the small of my back. I felt his fingers splay out, felt him pull me towards him.

I hadn't been idle while he was doing this.

My left hand moved to his face while my right moved down from his hair and rested on his cheek. I traced his eyebrows feather-light with my fingers, over his cheekbones, along his jaw, to his lips… His mouth parted slightly and his eyes closed again. I moved my hand back up to his eyes and brushed over them with my fingers.

"You're so beautiful… I… I love you." I told him so quietly I was surprised he heard me.

"Bella…" He gave a small sigh and brought his sweet lips down on mine. I thought I would pass out from the tenderness and depth of passion that was contained in that one kiss.

Time passed slowly and I felt the tip of his tongue trace my lower lip. I trembled and moaned softly, allowing him entrance. He didn't push into my mouth, he just barely touched his tongue to mine, almost tentatively, only tangling ours together for a few moments, before withdrawing and then continuing to kiss me earnestly.

We continued to kiss deeply as we wrapped our arms around each other. I never, ever wanted him to let go of me.

He broke the kiss first, breathing a little heavily. He placed his hands at my lower back, reaching back up with his right palm and holding it to the side of my face, whispering as he then trailed his fingers across my cheek. "I love you so much, Bella."

We stood there and stared at each other, smiling softly for… I don't really know how long. Definitely long enough for both of our breathing patterns to slow back down to normal. My arms slowly unwrapped from him and fell reflexively to his waist. We continued to stare at each other with our eyes roaming over each others faces, breathing in each others scent.

I finally took note that the light was failing. I reached up with one hand and touched his face again with just my fingertips, keeping my other hand on his waist. I whispered—I didn't want to break the magic of the moment we'd shared—as I looked unblinkingly into his eyes. He seemed to be doing the same thing to me, reading straight into my soul by looking deeply into mine. "We need to go back…"

He suddenly gave me a huge smile, flashing me his perfect teeth and laughed. Loudly. "Yes, I suppose we do."

He pulled me close to him for a moment, giving me a tight hug, then grabbed me behind my shoulders and the backs of my knees, sweeping me bodily off the ground abruptly.

I gasped loudly. "Edward!" He only laughed again—it was so musical, so contagious. I started to giggle along with him.

He carried me close to his chest almost the entire way back to Lizzie's house, periodically kissing my nose or my forehead lightly. We didn't speak. There would have been nothing either of us could say that would have enhanced our mood or our new understanding of each other.

Both of us seemed to be so in tune to the other that every time one of us attempted to steal a glance, the other would look at that exact moment. It was disconcerting at first. But then we were laughing again—at the impossibility—the sheer wonder of what we had found in each other.

As I rested my head against his shoulder, I started to hum a melody that he seemed to recognize. He started humming along with me. We both grinned at each other.

He bent his head down and kissed me tenderly and chastely. "You're so beautiful." He stated matter-of-factly.

I blushed and gave him a little kiss on the part of his jaw that I could reach with my lips. "So are you."

He laughed again. "I don't know. That doesn't sound very masculine."

I swatted his arm. "You're handsome. Very, very, VERY handsome."

He gave a little nod. "That's better."

Lizzie's house was in sight now. He slowed slightly and I realized I needed to get his attention before he walked too much farther. "Edward," he stopped and put me down but immediately placed his hands on either side of my waist, curling his fingers around me while rubbing my hipbone on each side with this thumbs. He looked down at me curiously. He must have picked up on the tentative tone of my voice.

"Edward, I never answered your question from a little bit ago. And I believe… No, I know that it's very important that I do so." I had no idea why I was being so formal but I felt that what I was about to tell him was vitally important say—something that had the potential to define our relationship.

"I do forgive you." I cautiously smiled up at him.

The look on his face froze in place. Before he could react, I quickly added, "I just wanted you to know that. So that you wouldn't ever wonder or doubt yourself." I became suddenly shy and blushed.

He tentatively reached one hand up from my waist to touch my cheek, oh so gently… I sighed as I closed my eyes, reaching up and placing both of my hands over his. "Thank you." I told him fervently.

I felt him shake his head and then he whispered, "No, thank you." He cleared his throat before adding, "Thank you for telling me… For letting me know that I haven't irreparably damaged our friendship and that..." His voice became rough with emotion as he continued. "That you are willing to allow me close to you, to attempt to form a more... Intimate bond with you."

I opened my eyes and gazed into his for a few seconds. "I never want you to worry or wonder, you know?" I reached up and ran my index finger slowly down his nose. He now looked so peaceful. There wasn't any other word I could find to describe the look in his eyes.

He nodded and whispered carefully to me. "Alright." He grew thoughtful and his eyes suddenly showed some internal turmoil. "But, I am truly sorry for the terrible things I said to you. I... I didn't mean it. I will do everything I can to show you how I didn't mean those things I said... I..." He closed his eyes tightly as he finished his declaration. "I was simply afraid."

I removed my hand from off of his face as he dropped his hand from mine. We both reached for each others hands at the same time… My right to his left. We smiled at the same time… Started walking towards his grandmother's house at the same time… Which made us both laugh again.

With our fingers intertwined, he playfully swung our arms as we walked. He now seemed to be over his melancholy state from a few moments ago. "You're an amazing person." He picked up his pace a bit. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "You're rather cute, too." He looked back straight ahead, with a slightly silly expression on his face. I laughed.

In fact, I was still laughing as we reached the front doors.

Which, as he was reaching for one of the door handles, opened suddenly in front of us. Before either of us could react, Lizzie had both doors open and was shouting over her shoulder. "GEORGE! They're back!"

She turned back to us. "Thank goodness! I didn't want to have to send a search party out after you two!" She turned back to the foyer as she'd finished speaking. She turned her head back to us and motioned for us to follow her. She went straight to the door of the library.

She stopped just short of the door and ushered us in ahead of her. She quietly followed us and as she came through behind us, she put her hand on the doorknob and yelled out, "George, I'm going to be in the library for a little bit…" as she was closing it.

Edward and I, still hand in hand, cautiously walked towards the center of the room and turned to face her together. Neither of us was quite sure what she would say. She had turned from the door slowly and had placed her hands in front of her, folding them together carefully. For some reason I had expected her to place her hands on her hips… She didn't do that, however.

She looked down at the oriental rug that we were all standing on, seeming to study the intricate pattern carefully. She tenderly looked up at us. "I want you both to know, that no matter which way things had gone, I would have loved you both just as much as I always have." Edward grasped my hand a little more tightly. I squeezed back.

Lizzie paused, as if unsure of her next words. I'd never seen her uncertain. It made me feel a little apprehensive.

I shouldn't have. She wasn't uncertain about anything. It was like when the wind dies down just before a storm hits.

"But I'll tell you what, if you hadn't gotten this worked out today, I would have given you both such a whooppin'!" As she spoke her voice had risen in volume.

I could feel Edward's consternation radiating off of him. He glanced over at me and I looked up to see the same apprehensiveness I'd been feeling reflected in his eyes.

With her voice at its normal volume she continued. "You don't realize…" She stopped and blew out her breath loudly. She gave a little shake of her head before she continued.

"I want you both to listen to me very carefully." We were. Very carefully. She seemed satisfied, so she continued.

She looked directly at Edward first as she spoke. "When Bella came to stay here with me Edward, and help me with what will be my last novel," she hesitated but just for a split second. "I knew I had discovered a rare and timeless soul. I knew that she would always be a part of my life. When you first arrived, when Bella came out of this room and you saw her…" She pressed her lips together.

She turned to look directly at me. "Edward has always been a comfort to me—we've always been close. He is a remarkable individual that has my utmost respect. He is the most unselfish and sincere person I know. When Edward came to visit unexpectedly, when he looked up to see you coming out of this very room, when you saw him…" She looked between Edward and me.

"You didn't see, weren't aware of it… It was as if the hall had disappeared, the house wasn't standing, the world had suddenly stopped turning… I watched both of you take stock of each other, connect in a way that was so tangible, that I could feel it in the air." She paused but for only a moment.

"In over 78 years of life, I've never seen anything like it. It was as if time had simply stopped for you both..." Her voice trailed off.

She looked up at the ceiling and I saw a single tear move down her wizened, lovely cheek. "Somehow you both missed the fact that you instantly connected, recognizing in each other that you were and are kindred spirits." Her voice became strong again. "Now you must remember to never forget this, for the rest of your lives."

Her tears came unbidden now. She smiled at us and reached out for us. We walked over to where she was and each took one of her hands in ours, though Edward and I never let go of each other.

That's when I felt it. She was right. It was tangible. Our love. Edward looked over at me penetratingly. He could feel it too. He looked over at his Gran. "Gran, there is no possible way I can ever repay you for what you've shown me."

He suddenly looked back over to me. "I don't know how I will ever fully deserve you but I will do everything in my power to do so." He gave a little nod, as if him speaking it would make it so. And I realized because he had spoken it, it probably would be. He was that kind of a man. Sincere. What a wonderful word to describe Edward.

I timidly spoke then. I could feel my blush creep up my cheeks to reach almost to my hairline. "I love you both more than you'll ever know, more than I'll ever be able to show you." I shyly looked back down to the floor. "But I'll try anyway."

We all smiled and… Hesitated. We didn't want to let go of each other, afraid that the spell that was floating throughout the room around us would be broken.

But as with all magical moments in life, if they don't end, you can never really appreciate them when, and if, they happen again.

So, we let go. Of each other. Of our perfect moment.

"Well," Lizzie said very quietly. "I think I'm going to head off to bed early tonight. I'm quite tired." She gave us each a little smile, squeezed each of our hands as she let us go and turned from Edward and me and left the room. She closed the door after herself.

~~:::~~

Edward stood next to me for a few more moments in silence.

He was thoughtful. So was I.

We knew that we loved each other.

And, honestly, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without him now but…

We had been going about our lives, living, before the last month and a half had passed. What happens now? I wasn't sure.

He pulled on my hand, the one that he hadn't let go of since we'd walked back from the cemetery, and walked over to the leather chair he'd found me in… When was that? A week ago? Three weeks ago? It could have been a century ago for all that had happened between us since then. He sat down in the chair and slowly spun me around so I could sit in his lap while still being able to see my face.

He spoke then, taking me out of my reverie. "I can't imagine not looking into your face for any length of time," he paused. "And we definitely have enough to discuss for several hours, at least." He looked at me with his chin slightly down so he was looking up through his hair a little bit. He absentmindedly pushed his fingers through it.

I let a small giggle escape. "I love your hair—it's sexy."

"Don't distract me." He smiled his best crooked smile at me while he attempted to get serious. He gave me a small kiss on my neck and let out a slow breath against it. "Ummm... But you do smell so, so good..." I shivered in desire and leaned into his shoulder.

He leaned back away from my neck slightly and then sighed. "I know you said you've forgiven me for my absolutely appalling behavior towards you… And I believe you have. Completely."

I fidgeted slightly in his lap. I didn't know if I liked the direction this was taking. However, I quickly realized and appreciated why he would need more information from me. He needed to understand for himself what had happened to me, beyond the small bit of background that Lizzie must have revealed to him earlier.

He gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head. "But you'll have to give me some details about your past. You don't have to tell me anything that makes you feel uncomfortable but I really need to know you." With the end of his statement he gave me a little squeeze as he gazed steadily into my eyes.

The seconds lengthened and I realized he was waiting for some kind of a response from me before he would say any more.

"Edward, I know. I totally agree with you. And, I will tell you whatever you want to know... But right now I need to know what your plans are. What I need, and want, to tell you isn't exactly a five minute conversation. And I really, really need to know where you think we should go from here... And, just so you are fully aware of the situation, I was only going to be here with your Gran for a few more days." I puckered my lips together and blew out a long breath before I continued.

"In reality, she only needs my help with the novel for another afternoon." I wanted so badly to reach over and touch his lips but I couldn't distract us. This conversation was too vital. "So, I guess what I'm asking…"

He gently cut me off. "I want you to spend the next two weeks at my family's estate in southern England with me." Apparently he'd already been thinking about this and had made his own decision. I sighed.

He took my chin in his hand, gazing into my eyes, roaming over my face. He put some of my hair delicately behind my ear and placed his hand back on my leg. "I want you to be happy, to feel loved, to feel that you can do anything, go anywhere… But I'd really, really like for you to do all those things… With me."

He had one arm behind my shoulders so he gathered my hands up from my lap and held them both tightly for a moment in his other hand, and then began lightly playing with my fingers. He looked down at our entwined hands as he continued.

"I know your family is in Washington state, your job and friends are in California…" He became acquiescent. "I don't want to influence your decision of where you want to live but you seem to be… Unattached to those places. Am I asking too much for you to come and spend two weeks with me?"

He was asking for my consent. He didn't want me to feel like I was following him around like a lost puppy. He wanted us to make the decision together, to be a couple. But what he was really asking me to consider, what he really wanted me to make the choice of, was where I wanted to make my home.

He wasn't just asking me to stay for two weeks. Not really.

I opened my mouth to speak… But I didn't know what to say. He was right. I was unattached to Washington and California. I'd spoken to my father more since I'd moved to San Francisco than the entire time I'd lived with him before I'd married Jacob.

"You're right." A tear slid down my cheek. I was so happy. But also sad. I looked back into his gorgeous eyes and there was concern there because of my tears, because of what he perceived to be my indecision. His brows knit together. He was actually worried about me making a choice that would make it almost impossible for us to be together. Intolerable. Unacceptable. I felt the tears in my eyes being replaced by my resolve.

I took one of my hands out of his and traced my fingers around his eyes. "I love you, Edward. I will go wherever you are. You're right. I don't have any real connection to either of those places—they aren't home to me. I have more of a connection to your grandmother and this place..." As I spoke the last part I abstractly waved my hand through the air around us. "Than I do to anywhere else."

I sadly shook my head. "Since I'm a rather independent-thinking woman I can understand your hesitation in asking me to go with you, as if you're asking me to give up my life somehow. You're not." I leaned in and gave him a fierce little kiss. He was completely taken aback. "You are my life now."

He nuzzled my cheek with his nose. "I do love you, Bella. I want you with me more than I can say… But I want you to think about this a little more. I want you to be sure."

"O.k." I gave a small little huff. He chuckled. I narrowed my eyes at him. "Are you laughing at me, Edward Anthony Masen-Cullen?"

"No ma'am." He was trying not to laugh again.

He took a deep breath and quickly gave me a tight squeeze. "Well, we need to get to bed. You must be exhausted."

I wasn't sure how to take what he'd just said. I thought being blunt would be best—the quickest way to get to the root of the matter, with hopefully the least amount of blushing on my part.

"Edward, you're not asking me to… To stay with you tonight, are you?" I couldn't look into his eyes since I was a little afraid of what I'd find there.

Not afraid enough to not go with him, however, and that thought had me reeling. I felt a deep blush creep across my cheeks. So much for not blushing…

"Bella," He said my name softly, so softly in fact that I reluctantly looked up into his face. "I would never be so cavalier about such a thing."

Almost as softly, I responded. "O.k. Because, well… I've only ever been with one man, and that was my husband." My blush felt hot across my face. "I don't think I'm ready for... That, quite yet." I pulled some of my hair around my shoulder, putting it as a curtain between myself and the room and put my head back on his shoulder.

"Bella..." Edward hesitated. "Thank you for telling me that. Thank you for being yourself, for being honest with me. I love you too much to pressure you or have any unreasonable expectations."

He slowly helped me stand upright as he stood up, hesitatingly reaching with the hand that wasn't still holding one of mine and tenderly brushed his fingers along my jaw.

"You're so beautiful…" He bent down and kissed me.

This was not like our kiss from that afternoon. I knew he still felt that same passion but this kiss was incredibly light and sweet.

He let go of me slowly, stretching his arm out as he walked away from me towards the library door, until only our fingertips touched. As our fingers drifted apart, I slowly let my arm drop to my side. As he reached and opened the door, he turned back to me and gave me one of his crooked little smiles.

"Good night, my sweet Bella." He hesitated at the door, and then went to his own bedroom.

I did the same but not without thinking about how I suddenly felt as if it hadn't been me he was holding back for, but that he'd been holding back on my behalf. I suddenly didn't know if that's what I really wanted or not… For him to hold back. It did seem a bit too soon for us to share ourselves in the most intimate way possible physically. But I was deeply attracted to him on a visceral level now; which I suddenly found to be a little scary.

But it was a good, even an exciting, kind of scary.

As I got ready for bed I ran the day through my mind, as if I was watching a movie of someone else's life. I felt like I was a little unsure of the ending but I knew the journey would be worth it.

And isn't that the point of living?

I gave myself a little nod in the bathroom mirror after I'd brushed my hair. I love him. And he loves me. I happily went to bed that night knowing that I would dream of Edward. And also knowing that he was most likely going to be dreaming about me.

I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face. And with the hope in my heart that I would always feel this happy.

~~:::~~

A/N: Reviews are like... Getting your first kiss from your soul mate. (Not really... But still, please review!)