"It is the passion that is in a kiss that gives to it its sweetness;
it is the affection in a kiss that sanctifies it."
Christian Nevell Bovee
CHAPTER 13: EXPECTATIONS OF INTIMACY
Friday dawned cold but clear. I wore a white, cashmere turtleneck sweater with my jeans and my black leather boots. I of course had my raincoat too, just in case.
Edward hadn't realized that Petworth House would be closed already for winter, so we didn't get to see the collection of paintings that were held there. But the grounds and their restaurant were open. We had breakfast and then walked the parts of the grounds that held the Estate's sculpture collection. It was amazing.
While we'd been having breakfast, as we walked, when were just standing and appreciating the sculptures... Edward had been touching me in some manner. His hand on the small of my back, trailing a finger along my arm, holding my hand. He'd always been attentive but somehow his awareness of me seemed to be intensifying.
On the way to Chichester, we told each other our favorite jokes, our most embarrassing moments, places we wanted to visit, our craziest family member… We laughed and laughed… And laughed. I didn't think it would be possible for me to fall any further in love with him but I still did.
As we were just outside of the city center, he surprised me and took me to the Pallant House Gallery. I think he felt bad that we'd missed the gallery at Petworth House.
The Pallant House Gallery had been a historically important town house, built originally in the late 1600's. In the early part of the 20th century it was used as Council offices for the City. In 1985, almost ten years after the Dean of the Chichester Cathedral had left his personal art collection to the City, an independent trust was formed to manage the collection. They in turn expanded the Gallery to include community activities and exhibitions and a new, additional building as a new wing. It was a showcase of Modern British art. It was incredible. The Kearley collection proved to be my favorite.
The Cathedral was our next stop. It was truly magnificent. It had been the center of the town, both figuratively and literally, for almost 1,000 years. The Cathedral was begun in the year 1076. But modern art was commissioned during the late 20th century with stained glass windows, tapestries, and paintings. Sharing space with 12th century reliefs and paintings, it was a study in contradictions and the intemperance and exceptional strength of the human spirit. The architecture was of course incredible. With its stonework, vaulting, and external flying buttresses, the huge spire… It was truly awe-inspiring.
We ate dinner at an intimate bistro not far from the Cathedral. We sat by one of their large front windows and, as dusk settled, we watched the lights come on to illuminate the outside walls. It was truly breathtaking.
"Edward, thank you so much for today. You're a wonderful man." I looked at him with adoring eyes, and with a smile that I thought might split my face. I couldn't help it. He'd made me so, so happy.
His hands were on the table top, the waiter had just taken away our now empty plates, and he reached across the table to take both of my hands in his. "Bella, you're an amazing woman. I have no idea, nor do I ever wish to discover after finding you, what my life would be like without your continued presence within it."
Of course I blushed, looked down at the table, and couldn't bring myself to look back up into his eyes. Luckily, the waiter came to bring us our bill and Edward already had the money to pay for it in his hand. He gracefully rose from his seat still holding my hands and helped me up. He kept one of my hands held to his chest and his other arm curved around my waist, guiding me out of the restaurant and back to his car.
As we headed back to the estate, I couldn't imagine how things could get any better between us. And then I remembered my previous days' purchase… And why I'd bought it. He had wanted me to buy some 'royal blue nightwear'. I felt my face flush. And then I began to get nervous. What if he had plans for us, for this very evening?
My cheeks became hotter. I wanted him, there was absolutely no doubt about that fact. But I had only ever been with one other man. Could I… Please him? I wanted to, so badly, but I was sure he was more experienced than I was. I felt stupid worrying about something like this, especially when I didn't even know if he… If we… Jeez I'm embarrassing myself. I started biting my lower lip.
We were waiting for the traffic to clear so we could turn down the country lane that would take us back home, when Edward reached over to take my right hand from off my lap, placing it against his lips and nose, breathing in my scent. His voice was husky. "Do you know that you smell like a wonderful mix of lavender, gardenias and freesia?"
I turned back from staring out my passenger side window and away from all my self-conscious thoughts that I'd been having. His eyes had closed involuntarily and I intertwined my fingers with his.
"No, I didn't." That's all I could manage to say in response. I had wanted to tell him how he smelled so wonderful to me, like the woods and honey, green grass, slightly musky and very masculine. But I couldn't. I knew that we wouldn't make it out of the car before I attacked him. I did give a shuddering breath, however.
His eyes opened and he carefully placed my hand back on my thigh with my palm up and his down, so that the tips of his fingers could reach my leg. He did not let go of my hand. As he turned onto the lane, he lightly traced circles with his fingertips onto my leg, moving down to my knee, giving it a little squeeze.
Maybe he did have something, intimate, planned for this evening. I stopped myself from hyperventilating so he wouldn't stop touching me so… fervently.
His fingers were still caressing my knee with our hands still interlocked when we came up to the front of his home and stopped. With his right hand still on the steering wheel—I could see the tension in his knuckles, as if he were squeezing it with all his strength—he turned to me.
"Bella, did you end up getting two dresses? One for the cocktail party and one... In a light color, in silk?" His voice was still very husky and I was afraid to answer. Not because I thought he was going to do anything scary, but I was afraid of where this was all leading.
It was stunning to me, my fear of displeasing him, even though I knew that since I'd met him, I hadn't in any way. I sighed. Yet…
I wanted him happy… Forever. I would do everything I could to make him happy.
"Yes." I looked expectantly into the deep pools of desire that were his eyes.
"I have to get something from the library, could you… Go and put that dress on for me?" I was surprised by his request but since I'd just made the decision that I would do whatever I could to make him happy, this seemed a small request.
"Of course, Edward." I looked deeper into his eyes and gave him a gentle smile.
He smiled back. "Good. I'll come up to your room and knock in a little bit. Is that alright?"
"Of course." I had wanted to add 'my beloved' but it didn't sound right to me. As I headed up the stairs, I watched him in my peripheral vision, heading straight for the library.
I ran to the bathroom quickly to just splash myself off with some water and brush my teeth. I nervously checked my legs to make sure I didn't need to shave them again, and then headed back to my room.
I brought out the smaller of the two protective dress bags and unzipped it carefully. It would not do to get the silk caught in the zipper at this point. I checked that I was indeed wearing white panties, since it also simply would not do to wear a dark pair and then have them show through the dress. I shook my head at myself. The things you worry about…
I put the dress on and stood in front of the mirror by the door to check that I still looked pretty in it. I gave a little huff and nodded my head at myself. Not bad, Bells. I did up the zipper without breaking my arm, which was impressive, and then leaned over to put the earrings on. I'd never worn anything so expensive in my life. They were so beautiful they almost glowed. And so did I, I had to admit.
While I'd still been in the bathroom, I had quickly put on some black mascara and sand colored glossy lipstick. I turned my head back and forth in the mirror in my bedroom and just wasn't satisfied. Since my hair was fairly wavy, I decided to put it up loosely, with a hair clip that would be hidden in my hair, with pieces randomly pulled out to frame my face. I put on my rose flower shoes, went and sat up on the bed… And waited.
Luckily I didn't have to wait long. His hesitant knock made my heart jump. "Bella, love, are you dressed?" I practically jumped off the bed, unfortunately forgetting that I had three-inch heels on, and almost fell flat on my face. "Omph. Argh, yes… Coming! Be right there." Nice and graceful, Swan. I rolled my eyes at myself.
When I opened the door, he was standing slightly askance with one hand loosely at his side and the other in one of his pants pockets, and he looked… Well, I gasped, he was that gorgeous. He had on ivory-colored linen pants with a matching jacket that was unbuttoned, which showed a snug v-neck sweater in light gray underneath. I felt my smile almost crack my face it went so wide. "Hi, gorgeous." I had said this before I could stop myself. I hadn't meant to say it out loud.
He processed what I'd just said, smirked, and ran his fingers through his hair with his free hand. "Bella..." He looked down at me and his hand dropped back to his side. His smirk changed, morphing into his crooked smile. His voice was low and seductive. "You are… Well, there isn't a word I can think of that would do you justice right now." His smile grew wide, showing me his perfectly straight teeth. His eyes were the brightest green I'd ever seen them and he reached out his free hand to me.
"Would you accompany me on a rather unusual date this evening?" He actually looked a little nervous, as if there were any chance in the universe that I would say no. I almost said that but I knew it would come out sounding snarky. And that was the last thing I wanted to sound like, with him looking at me the way he was.
"Of course, Edward." I smiled at him as wide as I could manage, showing him my recently cleaned and hopefully now shiny teeth, and gave him my right hand. He chuckled and took it warmly, squeezing it gently. He then moved my hand and arm so that we were intertwined, as if he were taking me out on a dance floor.
I then jumped to the conclusion that we were heading to the music room. Perhaps he would play more of the classical music I'd heard earlier. A concert for two. How romantic!
I blushed and looked down at the floor, to watch that my feet were traveling in a straight line. I was relieved. I'd always been terribly uncoordinated when I was younger but as I'd matured, my awkwardness with flat surfaces had become less of a battle. But still… I certainly didn't want to trip and fall now.
And then… I wondered. What if I did? He would have to catch me with his strong arms around my body... Maybe I could tilt my neck back just right to entice him to reach down with his soft, warm lips and kiss my neck. I could reach up and run my fingers through the hair at the back of his neck… He seemed to really like that.
I came out of my daydreaming quickly when I realized we weren't heading for the stairs, therefore we obviously weren't heading for the music room. I felt my eyebrows scrunch together a little bit and wondered where on earth he could be taking me. Since if I was totally off base, and he wasn't planning on seducing me this evening because he was taking me out, we'd still have to go down the stairs to get to the front door…
Then I realized he was taking me down the hallway that led to his bedroom.
I tried not to noticeably react to this new information. I didn't want him to think I was hesitant about being alone with him in his room. I was nervous but not hesitant. I tried to sneakily reach up with my free hand and check my hair, that way I could try to hide my nervousness by doing something other than flinching or tensing my body.
He still caught the movement, of course, and looked at me sideways without turning his head. He had the strangest expression on his face, as if he was concerned about something. If this was the moment we would be together completely, I was not about to chicken out now. No way. I became determined to make him feel at ease, and in turn, myself.
I very slowly dropped my hand, carefully running it down my side as if to straighten my dress, provocatively caressing my hip as we walked. As I finally dropped my hand to my side I didn't look over at him, I just held my head higher, straightening my back a little.
His hand tightened on mine and he pulled our arms closer into his side. Our hips almost touched and I thought I'd be undone. I wanted him so badly now it was tangible. I could feel the electricity again, building noticeably between us. His steps quickened and I was sure I heard his breathing speed up ever so slightly.
As we reached his door he gently untangled our arms, placing his left hand on the small of my back as he reached for the doorknob with his right. "Bella, I hope you don't think this too forward of me, but I thought we could listen to some music in my room instead of downstairs this evening. I thought you might want me to show you some dance steps before the party tomorrow." He didn't look down at me and his voice sounded controlled, as if he'd mastered some strong emotion. The electricity suddenly wavered but it didn't completely disappear.
I concentrated very hard on not letting my voice catch. I didn't want him to pick up on my disappointment. And he could still be planning something seductive…
I concentrated on that while I answered, my voice sounding thankfully even and strong. "That's fine, Edward." I smiled but still didn't look up into his eyes.
I was worried about what he would see in mine.
I knew from our tour a few days earlier that his room was very large, with a huge, four-poster bed, with its deep olive green canopy taking up the center of the room. The canopy actually dropped from the ceiling and draped down to cascade at each post to the floor. The wood of the bed itself was the darkest color I'd seen in the home; I assumed it must have been made from walnut. The other pieces of furniture, an armoire larger than mine against the wall to the right of the bed, two enormous bedside tables, and several shorter round tables with comfortable looking armchairs next to each of them in front of the large window to the left of the bed were all in a lighter color wood. The enormous stone mullioned window was framed by heavy olive green curtains in the same style fabric as the canopy. The walls were all paneled, in honey-colored English oak. There were two corded-fabric wingback chairs in the same deep olive green as the canopy, with matching ottomans and a side table in between, which sat on top of an exotic looking Persian rug in deep reds and greens facing towards the fireplace. The fireplace had a massive wooden chimneypiece that matched the wall paneling and went all the way up to the ceiling, with the hearth having intricately carved columns and cream colored tiles surrounding it.
As he opened the door, his room appeared to be glowing. I felt surprise flit across my face. I realized that the fireplace had a roaring fire contained within it but this didn't completely explain the glow I was seeing. As he ushered me through with his hand still on the small of my back, he turned and closed the door behind us. As there was no longer any light coming in from the hallway, I could now see that the glow was emanating from candles… On every conceivable surface except for his bed. It was, without any shred of doubt, the most romantic room I'd ever walked into.
Before I could say anything, he moved his hand around from my back and took my own hand within it, walking me over to the fireplace in front of the two wingback chairs. It looked like he had moved them back about ten more feet than they'd been previously from the fire.
"If you could just wait here for a moment..." He held my hand for just a little longer, giving it a tight squeeze and then let go. "Don't move."
He headed over to his armoire, which was several feet to the left of the fireplace, and opened both doors. There was a very expensive and fancy looking stereo system contained in it, with row after row of CDs, and he hit what must have been the 'on' button. Music began pouring out from speakers all around the room that I couldn't see, and I immediately recognized the song that was playing. It was 'our' song. Clare De Lune.
Before he turned back to me I noticed that there was an intricate silver champagne bucket sitting on the table between the wingback chairs, filled with ice and what I assumed was a bottle of champagne, with two crystal fluted glasses. There was also a platter of food with an assortment of cheeses, cold cut meats, fancy crackers and… A large bowl of strawberries. I grinned widely and looked up to see him watching me intently.
He came back towards me slowly, his eyes were burning with their intensity. I felt my stomach try to do a somersault and I felt my grin change to a gentle smile. I reached my hands out in front of me to encourage him to walk faster to me. He obliged, taking both my hands in his but he didn't come any closer.
"Bella, I have something to ask you before we practice our dancing for tomorrow night." He let go of my hands and was suddenly reaching over to the table to pick something up that I hadn't noticed sitting behind the champagne bucket.
What? I had no idea what he was about to say. He couldn't be asking me for my permission to make love to me… That was just crazy. I could feel my confusion heading straight for my face so I concentrated on something else. I started picturing what I wanted to be doing right now with him. Feeding him the strawberries, one at a time, with him laying on the floor in front of the fireplace, his jacket off, with his head in my lap… I felt my lips curve into a seductive little smile. Thankfully, he didn't notice the range of emotions that had just coursed through me.
He turned back to me with what looked like a small, velvet box in his hand. He reached over to me hesitatingly, taking my left hand in his. He lowered himself gracefully to one knee…
"Isabella Marie Swan, I promise to love and cherish you forever. Will you do me the utmost honor and become my wife?" He then held the small box up to me, for me to take from him.
Incredibly, I still wasn't fully aware of what was happening. I had done such an exceptional job of convincing myself that tonight was all about seduction, when in fact…
I automatically opened the box and my hand flew to my face to cover my mouth and nose. I gasped. It was the most incredible ring I had ever seen. It was white gold, or possibly even platinum, with a thin band covered in small diamonds at the sides. At the top of the band was what I would guess to be a three carat square blue stone, with a fringe around it of perfectly matched round diamonds that looked about a quarter carat each.
The large stone in the center was confusing me a bit. It was not a blue topaz, because it was too dark. And it couldn't be a sapphire, there were too many facets cut into the stone... It was an exquisite shade of deep blue—the color of the ocean off the coast of his grandmother's home, it was the color of the sky at just before twilight from our airplane window, it was the color of the clouds when we'd been roaming around his estate right before it rained… It was a rare, blue diamond. I almost dropped it. Unthinkingly, I fell to my knees in front of him.
"Oh," I started crying. And then I couldn't catch my breath.
"Sweetheart, are you o.k.?" I was frightening him. I hadn't even said yes to him yet.
I held the engagement ring box tightly in my left hand and threw myself forward and into his arms. "Oh, Edward. Yes. Yes." I was practically sobbing now.
He hesitated for only a few seconds, unsure if he'd heard me correctly. And then he hugged me to his chest and reached back behind himself to pull my left arm back forward. He gently pried the box from out of my hand, opened it and took the ring out.
I had moved my hands and arms to rest on his chest by this point and I'd stopped sobbing at least. There were still tears falling down my cheeks but I knew my eyes were shining at him now.
Without saying a word, staring deeper than he ever had previously into my eyes, he took my left hand from off of his chest. Never breaking eye contact with me, he placed the ring on my third finger. It was a perfect fit.
I shyly reached up to tenderly touch his face, tracing his cheekbones with my fingertips and then his lips. My eyes were drinking him in and they rested on his lips at the same moment my fingertips had hesitated over them. I collided into him, kissing him feverishly. I couldn't get close enough to him.
His arms went around me and he held me so tight I thought I'd break. I gasped and he said my name in a way that I'd been longing for. I greedily took his tongue into my mouth and pulled my fingers through his lovely hair. I thought I felt him trying to undo the zipper of my dress at my back and I moaned into his mouth… Loudly.
He stopped kissing me and pulled back just slightly. It was enough of a change that I immediately felt my eyes snap open and my breathing became less ragged. I held completely still, I think I even held my breath.
"Bella, we… I can't…" He looked torn, even confused… But still oh so lovely. His breathing had almost become even again. "Bella, I need to get you a cold cloth for your face, you look a little... Overwrought."
I felt immediately and horribly mortified.
I just wanted to die. I'd completely forgotten about my mascara. I probably looked terrible. I quickly removed my hands from his hair and chest and wiped them across my face and under my eyes. "Oh. Ummm. Yes, that would be very nice of you to get… To do that for me."
He tenderly kissed my forehead, stood up, and reached down to help me up from the floor. He carefully picked the black velvet box up off the floor where it had been dropped and placed it gently on the table. He took my hands again and turned my body so he could place me in one of the chairs. "I'll be right back. I'll get it from your bathroom my love." He looked into my eyes for a few seconds longer than necessary, and apparently found whatever it was he'd been looking for. He went to the door and left his bedroom.
I tried not to feel abandoned. I knew he was just trying to take care of me. But something in the back of my mind started to nag at me. He hadn't been worried about my appearance ever before. In fact, he hadn't had any trouble watching me sob into his chest. He had only pulled away when things got physically intense.
I wondered if he was nervous. I scoffed at that—he'd just proposed marriage to me, that would have to be more nerve-wracking than making love to me.
Didn't it? I suddenly felt my eyes narrow. I wanted him. Desperately. And he was going to be forced into recognizing that fact. I was surprised at myself but not so surprised that I stopped my suddenly decided course of action.
I got up from the chair and looked around his room for a mirror. There wasn't one like I had in my room but he did have a small decorative mirror next to a small door in the wall by the armoire. I hurriedly walked over to it and I actually didn't look bad at all. Which made me grow more suspicious. And definitely more determined.
I methodically walked around his room blowing out all of the candles in the room except for the ones right next to his bed. Maximum effect. I took my shoes off and carried them back over to the chairs by the fireplace. I set them under the chair I'd been sitting in, reached over and took a strawberry and shoved it in my mouth. I took the hair clip out and placed it on the table. I fluffed my hair out between my fingers.
As I chewed the strawberry vigorously, I reached back and undid the zipper of my dress, letting an over $5,000 dollar dress fall to the ground. Since I wasn't particularly well endowed in the chest department, there had been no reason to wear a bra with the dress, which I was suddenly very glad about.
I then stiffly walked over to his bed in nothing but his engagement ring, my silk white panties and the golden pearl earrings and got in it. I folded the comforter down and luckily he had white sheets on his bed. I smirked. It was perfect. I covered myself with his sheet up and under my arms, and waited.
He had already been gone longer than I anticipated. I started to get worried… I laid back against his fluffy white pillows and turned my face into one of them. I groaned… They smelled like him. I started to breathe in deeply and hold each breath for a few seconds to calm myself. It worked almost too well… I started to feel sleepy.
Then I heard his door open and his footsteps take him over to the wingback chair he'd placed me in before he'd left. I sat up in his bed with his sheets still draped around me.
I could see him in silhouette, since the fire was still rather intense. He held a washcloth absentmindedly in his hand and he seemed to be processing the fact that I wasn't in the chair but my dress was in a small pile in front of it, with my shoes under it.
He very slowly lifted his head to look towards his bed. I heard his sharp intake of breath.
I smiled at him encouragingly and leaned slightly forward, my hair dropping forward rather sexily. "My beloved…" I murmured and reached my arms and hands out to him.
He came to his bed like the man I'd envisioned several days previously, who had sighted that miraculous oasis, looking on me as the water he needed to quench his thirst.
But he did not get onto the bed with me. He came right up to it, leaning into the mattress slightly, and I watched as he shook slightly with desire.
"Bella. What… What are you doing?" He almost looked concerned for my sanity, as if I'd lost my mind or something. I immediately felt bewildered and got defensive.
"Edward, I'm sitting here naked, except for my beautiful engagement ring, my silk panties and the pearl earrings Rose got for me on your behalf, wanting you to be with me so badly that I'm worried I'm going to burst with desire, because you're now my fiancé and I love you more than anything else in this world, and I want you to make love to me before I go insane." I think it was the longest discourse I'd ever given him.
His eyes grew round and large but he still made no move towards me. I started to feel uncomfortable. Perhaps there was something wrong with me… Dropping my arms back down to the mattress, I felt the tears begin to fall. "You don't want me physically but you want me to marry you?" The confusion and hurt was clear as a bell in my voice.
He abruptly looked apologetic and ashamed. "God, Bella! NO! No, that's not it at all… It's… More complicated than that…" His hands went up to his hair and he rubbed vigorously before stopping and simply leaving them on top of his head. "I love you almost more than I'm able to handle."
He let out a loud breath. "Don't you remember what I told you when you'd caught me in your room? That I wanted our first time together to be special, I wanted to be able to take my time with you." He dropped his hands from his head to the top of the mattress and stared pleadingly into my eyes.
"But… But you said you'd make it up to me… Not being able to… To do those things then." I sounded small and abandoned, even to me.
He closed his eyes and got the most painful look on his face. "Bella… I want to make love to you in a way that you'll never want anyone but me touching you ever again…"
He opened his eyes and several tears of frustration fell down his face. "I want it to be romantic, passionate… Lovely. The best way I can think to do that, to make it that permanent and beautiful is to wait… Until after we're married."
He blew out a ragged breath, lifting his hands back to his face and rubbed his slight scruff quickly with his hands before dropping them heavily back on the bed next to me. He could almost reach me with his fingertips…
If he'd wanted to.
O.k., that's not fair. I suddenly felt guilty. He'd just told me that he wanted to make it so special, that I would never want anyone else, ever... "But… I already want you more than anyone else in whole world…" I still sounded sad.
He tilted his head back and stared at the canopy of his bed for a few moments. He took a deep breath and blew it out at the ceiling. He was trying to calm himself, not say anything to make the situation worse. I was starting to frustrate him.
"Edward, please… I don't understand what you're telling me." A small sob broke from my chest. "I want you completely…" I closed my eyes and the tears fell in earnest.
"My love…" He stood up, took his shoes and jacket off, and started pulling his sweater off as he turned and headed for the small door I'd seen next to his armoire. He pulled the door open and I realized it must have been his closet. He stepped in for only a few moments and I thought I heard him take his pants off. He came out from the closet in just a pair of pajama pants, with a white dress shirt in his hands.
He came around his bed and I was afraid to move. My body was still turned towards where he'd been standing moments before, so my back was to him slightly as he came to the window side of the bed.
My back was completely uncovered; I only had the sheet wrapped around my front. He delicately placed his shirt around my shoulders, hesitatingly leaving his hands on it, waiting for me to put my arms through the sleeves. I obediently did so. His hands drifted down my arms, to move to my back, which he caressingly rubbed with the palms of his hands before he drifted back up to my shoulders, holding me tightly with his fingers.
He came onto the bed with me, still behind me, and I wrapped his shirt around me and scooted over on his bed so I was now in the very middle of it. I did not turn around, however. I was still feeling hurt and unwanted and he knew it. He knelt behind me and I could feel him lean into me with his bare, leanly muscled chest. He bent his face down and with one of his hands, carefully moved my hair from the left side of my face and body. He tentatively leaned his head forward and placed his lips to my ear.
"I remember what you told me about Jacob." I let out a small gasp but he continued, "And, I need you to understand, that Lauren and I had sex less than a week after we started dating. I do not want us to have sex, Bella. I want to make love to you."
I thought that he would not have said any more. What more could he say? We'd both been broken, me with death, him with betrayal… But not beyond repair. We had experienced things that a lot of people have. But now, we had each other and our almost ethereal love. Something that most people could only dream about. We needed each other almost more than we needed food or air. We truly, desperately, needed each other.
We were each other's perfect halves.
He still hadn't moved. Apparently, he did have more to tell me.
"The reason we need to wait, my precious love, is because someday we'll be busier than we are now, with our lives, our children, the difficulties of living… I want it to be so special, so magnificent, that we will always strive to reach that pinnacle again, knowing that it was perfect. We'll always have that most flawless of moments to carry us through all the trying times that will come our way."
I silently cried, reaching behind me and rolling over towards him to wrap my arms around him. He willingly took me into his arms, kissing me passionately but not too intensely. He laid down in his bed with me in his arms and we proceeded to fall asleep together.
My fiancé. But not my lover.
At least not yet.
~~:::~~
I awoke with the most beautiful creature God had ever created in my arms. Well, at least she was that to me.
She was lying in the crook of my left arm and she looked so peaceful. Nothing like last night. I sighed deeply. I'd hurt her in trying to make her feel special and our love unique. It was unique and I wanted it to be that way, always. But I could have handled it better the night before…
I hadn't meant to make her feel anything but special. Loved. Cherished.
I quietly sighed as I thought over the events of the night previous.
When I'd realized that each of us was on a different page, so to speak, I didn't know what to do. I tried to begin to explain but then I froze. I didn't want to make her feel unwanted or worse, so I desperately threw out that I needed to get her a cloth for her face. She actually looked magnificent but I needed time and space to figure out how I was going handle the situation. I made sure she was alright before I left my room and then headed for her bathroom.
I honestly was rather confused by her reaction. I walked towards the guest bath like a man adrift. Why? Why had she reacted like that to my marriage proposal? She'd been so strangely overwhelmed.
I felt my eyebrows crinkle. It just didn't make sense. How could she not have seen where the evening had been heading? How could she not have seen that I wanted to make her mine? Make her… Mine… Oh.
Then of course it had all come crashing into my psyche. The look in her eyes of adoration, devotion, deep love and...
Lust. Pure, unadulterated lust.
By this point I was standing in front of her bathroom sink with one of her washcloths held in one hand and my other hand frozen on one of the faucets.
It wouldn't have surprised me to learn that my sudden mental realization had had an actual, audible click.
I dropped the cloth into the sink, turned the water on, and moved my hands slowly. I actually stood in front of her bathroom mirror with my hands tightly grasping each side of the basin. With the water continuing to run down the drain, I looked from there up to my reflection to see if my idiocy was evident on my face. Because I felt truly, utterly stupid.
I began to reevaluate the entire day we'd spent together.
The way she'd stared at me with so much love and trust in her eyes at dinner. The way she would look over at me shyly in the car on the way home. The way she'd trembled at my declaration of how her scent was so powerful and wonderful to me. How hopeful she'd looked when I'd collected her from her room after she'd changed into her silk dress... The almost visible sparks that had erupted between us as we'd walked closely side-by-side on the way to my bedroom for our 'date.'
She had obviously been convinced that the evening was all about me having designs on seducing her. It was quite apparent to me now that the thought of me proposing marriage to her, of that being the main event for the evening, hadn't even entered into her head.
I stood up straight and immediately removed my hands from the sink to run them roughly through my hair. I interlocked my fingers at the back of my head and gave a short bark of a laugh. What the hell was I going to do now? How could explain to her that I wanted to wait until we were married before we made love for the first time, without her feeling like I was rejecting her?
Tell her the truth, obviously. Simple! Until I'd gone back to our room and found her missing from where I'd left her. To find her, in my bed... Like that—so gorgeous, enchanting—so very, very tempting. God.
Then there was her little rant. It would have been comical except for the direness of the situation. I carefully told her my reasoning for waiting. I did everything I could to make her feel assured that she was loved absolutely. Treasured, in fact. She seemed to have accepted my explanation.
And she had said yes. She wanted to be my wife, my partner, my mate.
Coming back to the present mentally, I reached over and lightly brushed her hair away from her face, gazing at her. My eyes caught the engagement ring I'd placed on her finger, sparkling in the early morning light.
I lightly kissed the top of her head, breathing her scent in deeply. She was my oxygen.
Frankly, she had become my life.
As I continued to gaze over her supine form, I noticed that the fire had completely died down but it still felt relatively warm in my… No. That's not right. In our room. I smiled, thinking of what she might want to change about the room. Anything. She could do anything she wished.
I frowned, realizing that I had just lied to myself.
I had denied her last night. That's how she felt, that I'd taken her ability to choose away from her, her choice of being with me physically. Of course that's why I'd stayed. I knew if I hadn't, the damage might have been permanent. It was so difficult, to not… Touch her in the night. But I'd made a commitment to myself and, I'd thought, to her.
It had made perfect sense to me. I'd already made my mind up to wait for her. To me marriage wasn't a convenience or a contract, it was a sacred thing. And since our relationship was already so different, I wanted to maintain that… Uniqueness.
I didn't want it to be anything like what it had been with Lauren.
I felt a pang of sadness that what I wanted was unique—shouldn't it be normal to have the most intimate thing that can happen between two people, be a part of their marriage covenant and not just an act of lust or seducement?
She stirred in my arms and I held very still. I didn't want to wake her. I actually really wanted her to able to sleep in late after all that had transpired between us the night before. But I knew that she wouldn't. She was like me, an early riser. She was so perfect for me.
But I apparently had not been perfect for her last night.
I should have known, should have realized that she thought the evening was about us being together… Completely. I had no idea how I could make this up to her.
I hadn't realized that she already felt so bound to me physically.
As I continued to watch her sleep, a random thought popped into my head, that perhaps there was something I could do to make things speed up a bit for us, for her. Honestly, I wanted her so badly it hurt, so, maybe…
I got up as carefully as I could to not wake her and found my cell phone. I very quietly opened the bedroom door and stepped out, gently closing it behind me but only walking a few paces away from it. I wanted to be able to hear her in case she woke up.
I called my parents. I knew they'd be up already and my father answered after only three rings, which was a huge relief. "Hi dad. Yes, mum's assistance this morning was a fantastic help... No, everything's fine…" I ran my hand through my hair absentmindedly. "Well, actually, it's not completely fine. I… Well, I proposed, and she said yes… Thank you, dad. Yes, I couldn't be happier. But… I don't want to make her wait. We… Don't want to wait for a big wedding. We'll have one later or something but I need to marry her… Soon." I paused for a few seconds, "Um, now, actually."
My father's silence was disconcerting. "Son, what happened?"
"Dad, trust me when I tell you that it's not something I can discuss with you. It's… Strictly between Bella and me. I'm sorry. You'll have to trust me on this."
More silence. But I could almost hear him nodding his head. "O.k., I'll respect your wishes and not pry… But, why are you telling me this? What can I do to… Oh. I understand. You want me to act as Lord of the Coates Castle Estate and wed you." He sounded… Resigned.
That didn't sound good to me. "Dad, I… I'm not trying to put you in a difficult spot, I just…"
"No, it's not that, son. I'm fine with it. It's just that you do understand this won't be official in any form or capacity? In the eyes of the courts anyway you won't actually be husband and wife? This is strictly a dignitary function of being a Lord of the Coates Estate, for appearances sake? You will need to perform the marriage ceremony in front of a Registrar or a Vicar to be a legally recognized marriage in Great Britain."
"Yes. I do understand that. But… It's important to Bella, dad. It's important to us, as a couple. We will be having a full civil wedding at a later date, with you and mom, our families and all our friends in attendance. I can assure you of that." I sighed loudly. "This is just something that Bella and I need to do now, for just us."
"Alright then. Your mother and I will come down this morning and…"
"NO, dad. Um, can you not tell anyone? This has to be between you, me and Bella ONLY. Can you do that?"
"Honestly Edward, no I can't. I've never kept anything from your mother and I'm not going to start now. Not even for you." He sounded a little angry, not something I had heard from him often. I felt ashamed for asking that of him.
"I'm sorry, dad. Of course, tell her. But… Can you just be the one to be there to marry us? Mom cannot tell Alice or anyone else, you can agree to that, can't you?" My voice sounding pleading.
"Yes, I'm sure she'll agree to that." He cleared his throat. "Well, I guess I'll go get dressed and come down right away. We'll be there in less than two hours."
"Thank you, dad. Thank you so much." We hung up and I carefully reentered our bedroom, afraid I might have missed her awakening. But when I went back to the bed, she was still asleep.
However… She had moved. She was now sprawled across it, with her hair spread out over the pillows and with her arms slightly above her head. The shirt that I'd given her last night was partially open since she'd never buttoned it up. I could just barely see a hint of the curves of her upper body. She was truly tantalizing… I felt a seductive smile begin to spread across my face.
My smile disappeared as I snapped my mind away from those thoughts rather quickly. You denied her. You should NOT be staring at her like this. I felt ashamed for the second time that morning.
Not a good start to my day.
I got back into bed with my back to her so I wouldn't be tempted to steal another look. I crossed my arms across my chest but didn't close my eyes. I just waited. Waited for her to wake up, so I could make what happened last night up to her. So that I could make her, and me, completely, gloriously, happy without breaking my promise to myself or her.
The ceremony that my father would be performing was of course not the same thing as a civil wedding but it would link us together sacredly. It would also link us to my family's estate in a very tangible way, in a way like no other.
I knew that Bella would be appreciative of my plan. She hopefully would find it to be quite the romantic and endearing gesture as well.
I smiled again, truly thankful for her. And our love.
~~:::~~