"Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things."
Henry Ward Beecher

CHAPTER 16: UNBEARABLE PAIN

…Several weeks after Edward's break up with Lauren…

My father was a monster. What other word could I use to describe James? I'd always known it but he'd spoiled me so… Or, at least, I had thought he was spoiling me. Until I met Riley.

He was kind, loving and treated me like I was the most important thing in the world to him. He's truly amazing.

He'd had a very rough upbringing but he never let that stop him from getting what he wanted. But, unlike my father, he took other people's feelings and desires into account. He would never do something to improve his own situation that would hurt someone else's chances. He also took amazing care of his younger sister, Bree. She was slightly handicapped, as there had been a car accident right after she'd been born… The accident had killed their mother.

He was loving and caring, and never tried to blame anyone else for what had happened to them. Their father had tried his best to take care of them both but he ended up dying of a heart attack when Riley was only seventeen years old.

I knew what my father would have done. He would have abandoned his sister and gone to 'make his fortune,' telling himself she'd be 'better off in the long run.' I cringed in disgust. But…

Even knowing that about my father, I still showed tendencies of his. It was pathetic, really. I had come to the realization that I loved Riley while I was still in a relationship with Edward. Instead of doing the right thing and breaking things off with Edward, I behaved like my father.

When Riley and I were still only friends, I basically threw myself at him in the market not far from Alice's home, Edward's sister. I secretly hoped someone would see me with him. And I'd lucked out—big time. Edward's best friend Rosalie had been the one to witness my 'betrayal.'

I'm not sure exactly how it can be classified as a betrayal when Edward and I weren't even in love. There hadn't been any real love between us for over a year. But still, I now understood better why what I did wasn't a good thing. It was something my father would have done. I shuddered…

Riley had realized after watching Edward and myself at several different parties that Edward was not in love with me. But even though Riley was beginning to have feelings for me, he did nothing. Even when he knew that I was falling in love with him, he did nothing. Riley was too good for me. As had been Edward, I knew that now.

I now feel nothing but shame. Edward and I may not have been in love but he deserved my respect. I should have just broken up with him…

I felt so guilty, in fact, that I told Riley what I had done. Told him that I had manipulated Edward's family to get out of my relationship with him, that I had used him as an excuse, and forced Edward into breaking up with me. That I was a coward.

He didn't judge me. This was why I'd fallen in love with Riley. He'd shown me other possibilities, other ways to love and be loved. I had never known that kind of love, not even with Edward.

I hadn't known about Riley's wealth until much, much later.

Of course, my father didn't know any of this. I was certainly not going to tell James how truly successful Riley was. He was actually quite rich. Not to the level that the Cullen's were, of course, but good enough for me.

By not introducing them to each other, I also was trying to hide my father's insidiousness from myself and Riley. I knew deep down, subconsciously, how sick and twisted he really was. I handled the explanation of my breakup with Edward to my father the only way I thought he would understand.

I knew I couldn't break up with Edward without some other excuse than 'I don't love him anymore, papa.' I knew that wouldn't fly. My father could care less about my feelings. All he wanted was the Cullen's money. So, I'd gone the dramatic route, as if I couldn't control myself or my feelings for Riley. It had worked. I had tricked my father into believing I was just as heartless and cold as he was.

It was rather unsettling. But then I thought of Riley and I instantly felt better.

My father had come to me several weeks after Edward had broken up with me, to confront me about it.

"I don't know why you've done this, Lauren. But it can still be salvaged." He was the most greedy and selfish man I'd ever known. He was looking at me as if I were an object, something to control… I had to get away from his influence once and for all.

But something stopped me. As if my life would be in danger if I wasn't very, very careful in how I dealt with James regarding this situation.

"How? He broke up with me, demanding that I never speak to him or anyone in his family ever again." I rolled my eyes to try to make it more dramatic. It had hurt my feelings but I understood why Edward had asked that of me. Now that I was with Riley, I knew I would have done the same thing if I'd been in Edward's shoes. Keep those you love away from those that could hurt you… I now knew right from wrong emotionally. Not James, though. He would never understand.

I wondered if Edward had any idea what true love was… I hoped, perhaps in my guilt, that he would one day. He was owed some happiness. If only to thwart my father's plans.

"They always encouraged you to attend that Music Conservatory, on their dime. Perhaps you could still get his parents to do that… You'd be closer to where he lives, to his flat, if you went to the Conservatory…"

"No, I wouldn't." I'd stopped calling him father long, long ago. He hadn't even noticed. "I've heard that he's moving back to the estate. Permanently."

James grew very, very angry. I was actually truly frightened of him for the first time in a very long time. But, he'd taught me to be a very good actress. He hadn't even noticed my reaction. "WHAT? Ohhh, that can't be good… What are those stupid Cullen's planning now?" He started to pace the room, the living room of my childhood home.

"I don't know." I knew I had to respond to all his questions, even the ones that weren't really directed at me. It was safer that way, to prove I was indeed listening to him.

When I was very little, and he had just started working for the Cullen's, my parents rented this small home in London. He ended up spending weekdays at the estate in West Sussex, traveling back and forth from the estate to London only on the weekends. This was where my mother had mysteriously disappeared from, after I had moved away from home to attend boarding school.

James had purchased it several years ago and I could never figure out why. I certainly wasn't going to ask him.

He always had me meet him here when he wanted to talk. He left it empty, none of my childhood furniture had survived. Not my mother's piano or her favorite pieces of furniture, either. I tried to ask James once what he had done with everything… That was a mistake I wasn't going to repeat.

"Never mind. That's a puzzle for another day." He glowered at me and then his features suddenly morphed into something more thoughtful. "The important thing now, is how to get you back in with them. And I think we can use your relationship with Riley to do it…"

I felt my eyes narrow. This didn't sound good, not at all. "I'm sorry, how is that going to help me get back in with the Cullen's good graces?" I sounded confused… And I was. Where is he going with this?

"It's simple, really. Edward is the oldest child, their only son. He has the responsibility of producing an heir, to carry on their name." He practically spit that part out. "So, if you were to get pregnant, then we could pass the baby off as his." His features had changed again, becoming… Sinister.

I felt physically ill. "Edward and I haven't been together like that in weeks and weeks, how would that work?"

He stared at me. "Then we'll just have you tell him that you're pregnant. Knowing him, he'll get all noble and want to marry you right away. This will work… I know it." He got a strange glint in his eyes. "As a matter of fact, the Cullen's will most likely have a party at the estate in the next few months, and since you're my daughter, they can't refuse me inviting you." He spun on his heel, heading towards the front door. "You'll tell him then."

This is how he normally ended our meetings, so I wasn't too surprised by his sudden exit. I stood in what was once my living room, hoping against hope that the Cullen's would not have a party this fall.

I took a quick glance around as I prepared to leave my childhood home and got despondent.

Looking back, thinking of my childhood, I thought that this might be when his hatred for the Cullen's had begun. He'd blamed them for my mother leaving him, as if his absences were the cause of all their marital problems, as if he'd had no choice in the matter. Edward had absentmindedly told me once that he could never understand why James had not taken his father's offer to move my mother and me to the estate when I'd been very young. I'd mumbled something about how much my mother loved London.

But I knew better. I had vague memories of how much my mother had seemed to enjoy her few visits to the Cullen estate. But I also knew, when we were at home in London, how happy she seemed that James was gone so much.

Little did I know at that precise moment in time, but we would soon all find out exactly how ghastly and vile James really was.

~~:::~~

…Back to the present day…

I sighed. Again. Edward was… Stunning. He was in a black suit, and everything was black. His pants, shirt, jacket and even the tie. I couldn't believe he was with me. He loved me.

We were dancing at the party and he had begun to twirl me. I thought my stomach was going to lurch straight out through my throat, I was so surprised. I was even more surprised when he was successful without even skipping a beat. "Oh! Edward!" I scolded him. He laughed at me with his musical, bright laughter.

He brought me back in to him to hold me against his chest. He wasn't laughing now. "You're so, so amazing, my Bella."

I did look very pretty, even beautiful, there was no doubt of that. Alice and Rosalie had done their magic with me but it had taken almost two hours.

From the look in Edward's eyes, it was apparently time well spent.

My skin was velvety-smooth and they had brought out my paleness in a very positive way, it was almost translucent. I had on very smoky eye shadow and slightly cool red lips. My hair was in dozens of soft, large curls, all pulled together at the crown of my head to cascade down my back. Not quite a ponytail, it was more dramatic than that. There were two, slightly curled strands of hair that fell from the front, just in front of my ears.

The black cocktail dress that Rose had found was perfect. I was even managing to work with the shoes pretty well. I noticed that Edward's eyes kept drifting down to stare at my thigh, which was slightly exposed through the slit of my dress every time he turned me.

He leaned his face close to mine, slightly to the left of my cheek. "I don't think I'm going to make it much longer, my love. I need you… Desperately." I felt my skin get hot. I couldn't respond. I knew if I did, I might accidentally moan in response to him. Instead, I bit my lower lip.

He moaned instead. "God, Bella. Don't do that… I can't take it." Luckily, the music had stopped to give everyone a chance to breathe. Edward swiftly moved me off the dance floor to hold me close to him while he closed his eyes and hummed softly into my ear.

There was no possible way I could feel any happier than I did right at that moment. Earlier I had thought I was going to die from embarrassment, however.

Before the non-family guests had arrived that evening, he'd requested that his entire family, along with Rose and Emmett, meet us in the library. He'd then announced to them all that we were now engaged to be married. We'd decided on a New Year's wedding, towards the end of January specifically, to be held at his grandmother's home in Connecticut. That way my family and friends could be there too without breaking their bank accounts.

I thought Alice was going to squeal so loud that the glass in the room would shatter. But instead, her hands flew to cover her mouth and she just stared at us for several minutes. Jasper, Emmett and Rose recovered faster, and quickly came to Edward and me to hug and congratulate us. Of course, Edward's parents were aware of what had transpired earlier in the day but they did nothing to curb everyone's enthusiasm. Alice began to cry and came to me slowly to pull me into a tight hug. "I'm so, so glad. You two were made for each other…" She gave a little sob and then… Squealed. We all laughed.

As we all headed to the music room, which had been turned into a ballroom for the night, Esme put her arm around my shoulders and leaned over to whisper in my ear. "Where does Edward have his wedding ring?" I whispered back to her in a conspiring tone. "He has it on a chain that I gave him, which belonged to my mother, around his neck under his shirt." We both smiled at each other.

"You'll have to tell us where that ring came from, Esme… We're both very curious." She just laughed and promised that she would tell us after we'd been married—officially. I felt my face flush slightly.

"Don't worry. He didn't tell me exactly why you two wanted to be married in the Coates tradition today. But I am Edward's mother… And Carlisle's wife." She smiled at me and I couldn't help but giggle and blush deeply.

The Cullen's autumn party had been rapidly turned into our engagement party and was quite lovely. However, I could tell that Edward was beginning to get very impatient. He also seemed a tad bit nervous. I thought this was odd, until I realized the pressure he must be putting on himself to live up to his promises to me—to make our first time the most memorable ever. I suddenly felt bad for him.

I'd been talking to Alice about the wedding since she was going to be my primary helper by planning and preparing most of it. I was glad. It wasn't the kind of thing I thought I could really do that well, and I wanted it to be done very well but very intimate. I wanted it to be on the beach, very simple, with lots of white flowers and candles. It was mainly the weather that we needed to be worried about…

She already had several great ideas but I did have to ask her to reign in her enthusiasm a bit. I didn't want her to go crazy with it. I reminded her about the intimate part. Again. We both laughed.

I told her that I was feeling a bit tired and immediately made a beeline for Edward. I don't think I fooled her… I was walking pretty fast to be so 'tired.'

He'd been standing by the piano a few moments before so that was where I headed off to. I wanted to tell him that I just wanted to be with him, that there really wasn't any pressure and that I loved him.

However, when I reached the piano he was no longer standing by it. I noticed that one of the French doors that headed out to the back courtyard was ajar and I automatically went over to it. Perhaps he'd taken a step outside because it had gotten too warm in the ballroom…

As I reached the door, I heard a frantic voice, one that I didn't recognize.

"Edward, I'm sorry. But you had to be told. You needed to know."

"You're lying, Lauren. There's no way that you could be pregnant with my child!" It was Edward. With Lauren. And she'd just told him… She was pregnant?

"Well, I'm not lying. And I'm keeping the baby, just so there's no misunderstanding. What are we going to do, Edward?"

My world felt like it had just crashed down around me. I actually took a sudden, ragged breath, as if this would save me from falling into oblivion. The thoughts that ran through my head were almost impossible for me to keep up with… Almost.

I knew Edward. I immediately knew what he would do. He would marry her. It would be the gallant thing to do, the right thing to do under the circumstances.

He was no ordinary man. He was the son of a Lord, he was the last of the Cullen's... He would need to produce a heir for their name to go on, for the estate to continue to exist as it did right now. The only other option for things to continue as they were would be to wait until Alice's and Jasper's son was old enough to take over the estate... If he would even want to. Edward's father hadn't wanted it... But Edward did. He valued the Estate greatly. And he certainly wouldn't tolerate any scandal to mar it or his family's name.

I couldn't stop that from happening. Besides the fact I would want him to be a good father, the best husband he could be… I held back my sob. I knew that he would be a wonderful father, that even though he didn't love Lauren, he would love his child with all his heart.

I needed to leave. Now. Was I running away? Yes. Was I discounting his love for me? Most definitely. But I knew I needed to be strong for him. I knew he would try to keep me in his life but that it would be a distraction to him and his duties as the future Lord of the estate, a father and… A husband.

I could not, would not, be a distraction.

I felt the sobs coming faster. I had wanted to be the woman to bear his children. Now that could never happen.

I mastered my emotions long enough to be able to reason that if the child were a girl, he would want to give her the engagement ring he'd given to me. I knew that under no circumstances would it go to Lauren but if he had a girl… It was a family heirloom, not some expensive bauble he'd given to me carelessly. It meant a great deal to his family. I had to find Alice.

I gave Alice the ring, telling her that it had been a mistake, that I'd spoken to my father and that he'd talked me out of marrying Edward and leaving my home, the States. I was going back the next day but I would be leaving the estate tonight to stay somewhere else. I did not tell her where. She was so traumatized that she let me go.

I ran to… Our room. The sobs started coming faster than I could keep them at bay. I changed into jeans and a sweater, and quickly put a few clothes into my carry-on case. I grabbed my purse and headed back downstairs, to head out through the kitchen.

I had no idea where I was going, I was crying so hard now. After about twenty minutes, I realized I had ended up at the stables. I dropped my things by the front barn door and entered, deciding to go to Alabaster to say goodbye.

He gave a whiny as he saw me. I opened his stall door and went in to put my arms around his neck. I was sobbing uncontrollably now… He whinnied again and went down on his front knees and then his back legs went down.

He laid down in his stall, as if to tell me 'I'm here for you'. I laid down next to him in the hay, laying my head against his warm neck feeling strangely comforted, especially after my emotional breakdown. After a few moments I passed out, falling into a fitful sleep.

~~:::~~