Being in Ohio was like torture.
Santana had stayed in New York as long as she could, but it hadn't been that long at all. There was only so long she could tell her boss that she was away due to a family emergency before he started to get suspicious, even though she was still getting her work in on time. In hindsight, the fact that she was having no problem getting all her work done and sent in right away might have been a slight giveaway that there wasn't an emergency going on. So after staying in a hotel for two weeks she found herself heading back to the Midwest, wanting to be there even less than usual.
Going to the airport had been a trying experience. Brittany had gone with her, and when they'd gotten to the security gate she hadn't wanted to let go. It broke Santana's heart to see her like that, but she understood. Inside she felt like she was being ripped apart all over again. The time she had actually gotten to spend with Brittany while she was there, it had been more than she had ever imagined. It felt like they had fallen right back in where they had left off. Being in the city made it even better. They were able to walk around holding hands, cuddle on park benches, steal a kiss here and there, without feeling like someone was going to attack them for it. Lima had never gotten good at that.
She could understand why Brittany got so upset about her leaving. The last time they had separated from each other, everything had gone to shit. That was completely Santana's fault, and she knew it wasn't going to happen again. She knew better than to let her insecurities ruin her life again, especially where Brittany was concerned. Older, wiser, much more aware of what was going on, she couldn't quite figure out which it was or if it was all of the above.
There had been so many tears at the airport, from both of them. Brittany had clung onto her and cried into the crook of her neck, and having the other girl crying was enough to make Santana cry herself. She'd never been good at keeping it under control once Brittany was crying, and especially not when it was something that was technically her doing. Eventually she'd had to prise herself out of Brittany's tight grip, giving her one last kiss that earned a lot of throat clearings and a few annoying whistles from the people around them. She didn't care about any of that. People could stare and judge as much as they wanted, she had Brittany and that was all that mattered.
Getting through security and to her gate, all she could think about was how much she really didn't want to go. It may have seemed rash and sudden and completely out of the blue, but if she could have quit her job and stayed she would have. She had only had a few days with Brittany, just the two of them, but that was all she needed. Anyone who knew the two of them well enough would know it wasn't unrealistic. Being with Brittany was what felt more right than anything else in the world, and once she had gotten past the initial sadness and hurt of Ricky breaking up with her, she had gone back to being the bubbly and wonderful person that Santana had always known.
When she landed in Columbus, it didn't feel right. It felt strange not to be in New York, and getting in a taxi to go to her empty apartment. Well, empty in the sense that she was going to be there on her own. She did remember to text Brittany and let her know that she got back just fine, and it made her smile when she got a quick response. Texts to and from Brittany - that was something to get used to again. The picture that popped up on her phone for Brittany's name was the same as it had been before, a silly picture of them from a cheerleading competition their senior year. She'd never thought to change it, and then they hadn't been talking, so it stayed.
Days seemed to last forever. Work was just the same, and she spent her time there working as hard as she could to get through everything so she wouldn't have to stay later than normal. It wasn't even that she had anything to do when she got home, it was just the thought that if she was home she could potentially be talking to Brittany. She felt like she was back in high school. No, not even that. Back in high school, she and Brittany had been inseparable. This was what she'd always heard people talk about, or seen in movies, that yearning to be talking to someone as much during a twenty-four hour period as possible.
Maybe it was that they had skipped that part the first time around. They had never had that rush of excitement when it came to being with each other. Their relationship had eased from phase to phase without pausing for breath. They were so deeply involved without ever admitting to anything. Never had the words 'just friends' been a bigger lie. The fact that it had taken Santana so long to tell Brittany she loved her, well, she was still embarrassed by that.
Honestly, Santana felt a little silly about how she was acting. She had never been like this before, and it kind of scared her. If it had been anyone other than Brittany, she would have been even more worried. It's just that it had been so long since she had talked to her on a regular basis. So long since she was involved with anyone more than just a semi-drunken night. So very long since Santana had felt that tug on her heart every time her phone buzzed or rang, hopeful that it would be her. Part of her felt ridiculous about it, but most of her didn't care.
It was kind of happening like it had before, in some ways. After all, it's not like they had discussed what they were doing or what anything meant. Brittany had just gotten out of a relationship with someone she had been with for almost a year. There was no way Santana was going to rush her into anything, especially after that. Though if there was anyone who got over things quickly, it was Brittany. She had probably forgiven Ricky and tried to be his friend again within a week. Even still, there were no labels involved, no guarantee of anything. But Santana had faith.
A month of long days had passed since Santana got back from New York. There had been many nights she had fallen asleep still on the phone with Brittany. At some point she had talked Brittany through how to install Skype on her computer, and that had made everything much better. Of course they talked all the time, but there was something so much better about actually being able to see her while they talked. Maybe it was that she hadn't seen her in so long, or maybe it's just because it was Brittany, but being able to look at her while they talked was something Santana loved so much.
So that was how her evenings went. Getting home from work, having a bit of dinner, and then trying to keep busy until it was time to talk to Brittany. There were the odd nights that she would go out to dinner or have a drink down in the Short North with a coworker, but for the most part she kept to herself. It wasn't that different than before she went to New York, except the part where she had something she was looking forward to all day. Work had been her focus for so long, it was nice to have something else as a constant.
From what she could tell, that was what it was like for Brittany, too. All she ever heard from the other girl was about how she'd been practicing, looking for auditions. It seemed like every time she talked to her or saw her, she had just gotten out of the shower. Maybe it was wishful thinking, though Santana liked to believe it was true, that Brittany wanted to talk to her as soon as she could, and that's why she was always fresh out of the shower. After all, she always said she had just gotten home.
Santana had just finished her dinner and had settled in with a glass of wine to watch Jeopardy. Sometimes she thought she got way too much pleasure out of yelling at the people on her television, but then again these were people that had someone passed a test to be on the show and sometimes they were really not that smart. Her laptop was open on the coffee table in front of her, but it was mostly closed. Seeing email notifications pop up from coworkers who didn't know the meaning of going home at the end of the day was not how she wanted to spend her night.
The familiar ringing sound from Skype played through the speakers, and she almost missed it because of a particularly loud commercial. She jabbed the power button on the remote with her thumb and pulled her laptop onto her crossed legs. Tilting the screen back, she pulled up Skype and clicked to receive the call. A smile broke across her face as the video call went through, the little window that was Brittany finally popping up on her screen.
Maybe it was that she went so long without seeing her before, or maybe it was the fact that it was Brittany and she was gorgeous beyond belief, but she always looked so perfect. It was probably a combination of the two things, Santana knew, but she didn't care. Whatever the reason, Brittany always looked beautiful. Even when she was tired, or she was wearing the most ridiculous outfit, or even the few times she had gotten on Skype right after a practice and she was all messy and sweaty, she looked amazing.
That day, Brittany was still blow-drying her hair when the video chat started. Santana couldn't help but smile at that. That was the sort of thing that made her believe that Brittany wanted to get to their Skype time as soon as she could when she got home, since she hadn't even bothered to wait until she was done drying her hair. The blonde girl waved at her with her free hand, and it looked like she had said 'hi' even though there was no way for Santana to hear her over the roar of the blowdryer. All Santana could do was wave, and then take a sip of wine while she waited for the noise to stop.
It was usually the same, every day. First they would talk about their days, though usually nothing out of the ordinary happened. At least, not with Santana. Brittany was the one with the somewhat exciting life. New York City was a lot more interesting of a place than Columbus, Ohio and even if she was just talking about what she had for dinner it was likely that would be more exciting than most of Santana's day. That day once all the small talk was over, though, Brittany looked like she had something on her mind. It was the way her head was tilted, the slight furrow of her brow, and Santana frowned. "Brit? What's wrong?"
"Just thinking," Brittany said, and she shifted around on the screen like she was trying to find a more comfortable way to sit. "About us." Santana tried to keep herself from being nervous. It was just that look Brittany had on her face, like she was confused or unsure. That wasn't exactly a good look to have when discussing something like that.
"What about us?" she asked, raising her wine glass to her lips to take the last few sips of it before setting it off to the side.
"What are we?" Oh, there it was. That question that had to be asked at some point. It was a little too reminiscent of how everything had happened in the past, actually. The ease into something familiar and comfortable without ever talking about what it meant. It was difficult to stop and have that discussion when things were so good and when there was so little time to enjoy together.
"What do you think we are?" she asked carefully. She wasn't trying to avoid the question, she just wanted to know Brittany's stance on the whole situation. And alright, maybe she was trying to avoid it a little.
"Well we aren't dating," Brittany said slowly, playing with a bit of her hair. "Because, you're there and I'm here. Right? And when it was like that before it was bad." Santana knew that was coming, and she deserved it. That didn't make it hurt any less. If it was going to go like this, she wished that the conversation wouldn't happen at all. "I don't want that to happen again, and what if it does? I don't want to feel like that, and then not have you."
"Brittany," Santana started, moving her laptop in closer so she could see her better. She hated that all she had a picture on a computer screen, because all she wanted was to hug her, to pull her in close and not let go until she had proven somehow that she wasn't going anywhere. "What happened before, that won't ever happen again. I'm not a stupid nineteen year old anymore, and I know a lot better. I totally get it if you don't want to say we're dating, or whatever, that's fine. We can be whatever you want to be." She was just so glad to have her in her life again and yes, she wanted to say that they were dating or something like that, but it really was up to Brittany. She was the one who got to make that kind of call, she had more than earned that right.
There was a long enough silence that she wondered if the video had frozen. Brittany wasn't talking, wasn't moving, and Santana had just about moved to close the window so she could call her back when the other girl shifted. The silence was almost worse than the somewhat awkward conversation because silence, when it came from Brittany, was rarely ever a good sign. She only got quiet when she was upset, and that was why Santana was slightly on edge while she waited.
"I want to be dating you," Brittany said, and Santana's eyes widened a little. There had been so much quiet that she had all but convinced herself that whatever Brittany was going to say was going to be bad. She honestly hadn't expected to hear that. "I want that so much, but I'm scared."
"Brit, I don't know what I can do to help," Santana said, frustrated that she couldn't reach out and touch her, kiss her, anything. If she was in a place where she could, the problem they were having wouldn't be as bad. It hurt her heart to know that Brittany was scared to take that step, to date her again. Even though she knew she was completely forgiven for her words and actions in the past, there was that lasting wound. "You know I love you..."
"I love you too."
"Nothing's going to change that," she continued, pausing to think over her words before she spoke them. "I love you so much and I know I messed up. I don't know what I can say to make you less scared. You're the most important person in my life, Brit. You have been ever since we started being friends back in preschool. I know the last few years weren't good for us. I know that. I wish I could take back everything I did, but I can't, so right now there's nothing I want more than to make it up to you, however I can." She took a deep breath, and she vaguely became aware of the fact that she was digging her fingernails into her palms. "I would be so, so proud to call you my girlfriend again. If you don't want that, or aren't ready, or anything, that's fine. I just want you to know how I feel."
Once again, the silence was killing her. She wondered if Brittany was aware of the power she held with her way of not talking. Santana felt like she was going to need another glass of wine, or maybe another bottle, but then she heard a soft sniffle. She squinted at the screen, finding it completely annoying how the picture wasn't the clearest and so she couldn't see everything perfectly. Brittany wiped her face with her hand, so Santana was almost certain she was crying. "Brit?"
"I don't want to be scared." Brittany's voice warbled a little as she spoke, and Santana could feel her stomach twisting in knots. She hated it when Brittany cried, especially when she couldn't hug her and try to make her feel better. Especially when she was kind of the cause. "I've wanted this for so long. It's just that my head won't stop, no matter how much I want it to. You're my favorite person and I don't want to think that you would hurt me again. It's just I'm scared because you're so far away and I'm so far away and it's even more than when we were in college."
"I know it's further than before," Santana said, pursing her lips for a moment. "But we're also all grown up now. We know more, we know better. We can make this work, if you want it to. Or if you don't..."
"No, I do," Brittany interrupted, and Santana felt like a little bit of weight was lifting off her shoulders. At least there was that. That was more reassuring than Brittany realized, she was sure, and it was so good to hear. It wasn't like this was something they had to figure out that night, right then, but if not then... when? They had always been so good at avoiding conversations like this, it was possible they could have gone for so long without ever talking about it. This was good, it was progress, and it was even kind of positive. "I want that."
Santana breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, good. I'll be right back, okay?" She waited for Brittany to nod and then got up, going into the small kitchen of her apartment. Leaning against the counter, she took a few deep breaths. Her chest felt tight, and it was a mixture of good and bad. She felt so overwhelmed, hearing those words, that affirmation from Brittany, but at the same time she was scared that somehow she would hurt her again. It wasn't something she ever wanted to do, but what if she did it unintentionally? What about when that happened and she made Brittany's fears come true? No, she thought, rubbing the heels of her hands against her eyes. Stop it. You aren't going to do that. Everything's different now, just like you said.
All she knew was how much she needed to be with Brittany, and she would do anything to keep from making her sad or upset. They would make it work, somehow.