"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
Lao Tzu
CHAPTER 23: INTENSITY
As I stood in front of the tall mirror in Alice's and Jasper's room in Lizzie's home, staring at my own reflection, I couldn't help but feel nervous.
Even though Edward and I had been 'married' by his father almost two months previously, this was the ceremony that everyone had been invited to, to enjoy our union with us. The 'official' wedding, if you will.
As I continued to gaze at myself, I thought of my mother; not something I did lightly. I was sad that she wasn't here to share this moment with me. But I knew that she would be happy for me and accepting of our rapid escalation from romance to marriage. She'd also be secretly tickled that the 'romance' part of Edward's and my relationship would never end.
I felt sure of that insight about her. Because of my dad, I knew that at least about my mom. I sighed.
I also thought of Alice. She had been… Well, Alice was still Alice, but she had been so wonderful. I smiled, thinking of her exuberance.
She had accepted me from the moment she had laid eyes on me all those months ago at the airport in London. Which, I had to admit, was why I could tolerate her persnickety handling of the events. She wasn't doing it to be controlling. She just wanted everything to be perfect for Edward and me.
And, miraculously, it appeared that was exactly what we were getting. The weather was cold and rainy but no snow was expected to fall in the next two days. The tent on Lizzie's beach, with space heaters and chairs, was already set up. The flowers had shown up on time. My dad, Angela and Carolyn had arrived safely, Lizzie's home was warm and comfortable, and my dress… Well. It was perfect. Of course.
I sighed in happiness.
Alice had left the room to allow me to gather my thoughts as I stared at myself in my wedding dress for a final fitting. She was very adept with a needle and thread, and therefore was fully capable of handling any last minute alterations herself. As I ran my hands carefully down the front of the dress, I knew none would be necessary. Perfect.I sighed at my reflection in the mirror.
It was simple but elegant. Other than the light champagne color, it actually reminded me a little bit of the black cocktail dress that I'd worn to our first official party. I felt a grin creep across my face as I remembered how I kept noticing Edward's eyes would drift to my slightly exposed thigh while we'd been dancing.
No exposed thigh with this dress, however. The similarity was with the fabric and drape of the dress rather than it having any high slit.
It was silk satin chiffon, strapless, with a bodice that would subtly enhance my small amount of cleavage. The bodice had tiny roses embroidered over it in a darker color than the fabric itself. The fabric flowed down and away from a five inch band of fabric just below my breasts, which had a square cross-shaped embroidery in the middle. As the fabric travels straight down my body, there is a cascade of fabric that ends at the floor, trailing behind me into a simple train.
Tomorrow, for the actual wedding, I'd be wearing this beautiful dress with my drop pearl earrings from our engagement party, a small pearl and crystal tiara (no veil for me, thank you), and simple ballet slippers.
Even though my clumsiness had abated significantly as I'd gotten older, I wasn't going to take any chances, especially since I'd be walking on a thin tan carpet over sand.
I would also have two garters on my right leg, one to keep and one for Edward to toss away. I started daydreaming about him removing the keepsake one from me later the same evening… And sighed deeply. I was truly, exceptionally blessed. He was so perfect for me.
I had planned on wearing my hair down, in dozens upon dozens of soft, simple curls. I was pretty sure Rosalie planned on helping me do my hair, so we could spend some more time together before Edward and I left for our honeymoon.
Rose and I had become very close over the last several weeks, in part due to my surprise announcement that I wanted her to be a bridesmaid along with Alice. It was also because I felt like she was the sister I'd never had. We thought alike and had a similarly biting sense of humor.
She'd told me that she had been in awe over how I had handled things with her when we'd first met. We always would remember the words to that particular song of Sting's… I also remembered how proud Edward had been of me. It was as if I'd jousted for him or something. He was loving, intelligent, determined and even silly. He was amazing.
Looking back over myself once more in the mirror, I could actually see my love for him reflected in my eyes. I was beautiful because of his love for me, it was that simple.
As I thought about him, I again puzzled over the one item that Edward had insisted on being involved with. My bouquet. He promised to explain why he was so adamant about his choices to me before we left for our honeymoon.
It would be a hand gathered, garden style arrangement of gardenias, white and lavender freesia, procelina spray roses, blue hydrangea, accented with green dendrobium orchid blooms and sprigs of lavender. I shook my head… He could be so stubborn sometimes.
My mind wandered back to thoughts about the next day and our impending 'official' marriage. I was aware of the fact that Alice had kept her promise to me and Edward about the wedding being intimate. The tent actually had canvas walls on three sides, with the open side facing out to the ocean. There was seating for thirty people, even though we'd only have about twenty in attendance.
The chairs were placed four rows deep on each side of a center aisle, which had a runner of thin, tan carpeting to walk down. At the end of each row of chairs, were tall, carved, wooden single candelabras in a light-colored wood, with large, ivory candles in the scent of lavender ready to be lit the next day.
For tomorrow all along the runner, around the chairs, and even all over the sand, tiny gardenia blossoms would be strewn. They would become more pronounced and appear almost as tiny snow drifts around where the pastor would be standing to marry us. I had no idea how or where Alice had found them but they were now safely tucked away in a large refrigeration unit in Lizzie's garage, ready to be strewn all over everywhere.
As I turned away from my reflection in the mirror to carefully take my wedding dress off, I took note that I was feeling nervous, excited and sad all at the same time. Nervousness about the ceremony, excited about being Edward's wife and partner in every way, and sad about the family that would not be here to celebrate with me.
Jacob's family.
Before the disastrous situation that had occurred on La Push beach with Leah, I had thought I would ask her to be a bridesmaid. I had wanted them to somehow be a part of my life forever.
But, like Jacob, that was not going to happen—I was painfully aware now that it was simply not meant to be. They had their lives and I had mine. We were simply not destined to be anything other than memories to each other in this life.
My true destiny was now to be with Edward.
As I placed the wedding dress back into the garment bag that Alice had draped over one of the sitting chairs in her's and Jasper's room, I remembered the promise that Edward and I had made to each other. That we would never sleep apart, for any reason.
Knowing Alice as I did, I knew this was going to be an almost impossible task. She wanted everything to be perfect and traditional. Which meant that after the wedding dinner tonight, Edward and I were not supposed to see each other again before the wedding tomorrow.
Alice was very… Intuitive. She had been keeping a close eye on Edward and me for the last two days. I was overwhelmed with the wedding and hadn't been able to come up with a feasible plan on how we were going to get around her to be able to be together tonight.
I needn't have worried.
As usual, Edward had everything well in hand and planned to a tee.
~~:::~~
The dinner had gone fantastically. Much to Alice's chagrin.
She had been livid that Lizzie refused to let her do any of the food for either the dinner or the reception. But, as was normal for Lizzie, she and George outdid themselves. It had been a simple dinner, with shrimp salad, lobster bisque soup, and filet mignon steaks with roasted vegetables; including miniature red potatoes—my favorite. Even Alice had begrudgingly admitted that things had worked out well. She really could be scary when she chose to be but she had a heart of solid gold. I loved her like a sister.
Everyone except for neighbors of Lizzie's had been invited to the dinner. With such a small wedding party, it hadn't really been a big deal.
We'd laughed and laughed, with Esme sharing embarrassing stories about Edward, and Charlie sharing some about me. I watched them throughout the evening, catching several times where Charlie would lean over to Edward and whisper something that would make them both laugh loudly.
I was amazed at the bond that had formed between my dad and Edward. It was very comforting to me, since I knew how difficult it would be for Charlie to have to let go of me again emotionally. I was fairly certain that the time I'd spent in San Francisco had been a good preparation for us both. We were pretty good about sharing stuff over the phone with each other now.
I'd also made him promise me that for his next vacation, instead of taking a fishing trip, he would come and visit us in England. He promised that he would work on getting his passport as soon as he got back to Forks the following week.
I think it helped his resolve to come over to visit us when Edward told him that he kept the largest lake on the estate fully stocked. The two of them could go fishing for carp and pike together.
My dad was suitably impressed.
As the evening was winding down, Edward was about to get up to get something from the kitchen. As he'd gotten up, he very distinctly and slowly ran his pinky finger up the side of my leg, all the way from my knee to my hip. Even though we were always touching in some way when we were together, this was something different.
I looked up into Edward's eyes questioningly and I watched as his eyes furtively danced around the table. My father was talking animatedly with Esme, and Carlisle and Alice was being distracted by her twins and Jasper. Everyone else's attention was engaged elsewhere except for Lizzie, who I thought was in the kitchen. He looked back into my eyes for several long seconds and I realized he was trying to communicate something to me.
I was certain it had something to do with our sleeping arrangements for the evening.
I turned my head away from him as he finished getting up to leave and started a conversation with Rose and Emmett. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that even though Alice was busy, she was still keeping an eye on Edward and me. Since I appeared to be busy as Edward was walking away from the table, she went back to what she'd been doing.
After a few minutes, Alice got up from table to take the twins to her room to put them to bed. I mentioned to Esme across the table that I still wanted to talk to her about some of the furniture in Lizzie's front sitting room—there were some fantastic pieces that she'd picked out before she'd left to live in England with Carlisle.
Charlie sounded interested in seeing the small gun collection that Lizzie had, which was located in the same sitting room. So, as Alice was leaving with the twins, Esme, Carlisle, my dad and myself headed out also. Rose mentioned that she and Emmett were going to help Lizzie and George clean up, which pretty much left Jasper alone. After we all stopped giggling and laughing over the look that had crossed Jasper's face, he went to follow Alice to help her with the twins.
As our group headed for the front room, Esme touched my arm gently with one hand and as I turned to see what she wanted, she held the index finger of her other hand up to her lips.
Esme was in on the plot.
My dad didn't notice us stop behind him and Carlisle and as I watched, a small, knowing smile crossed Carlisle's lips. He took Charlie's elbow and pulled him into the room towards the gun case. As they began talking animatedly, Esme pulled me towards the library.
"O.k., you're going to be meeting up with Edward in the library." She said slowly and conspiratorially.
I quickly stifled a giggle. "O.k.!" I whispered back.
When we reached the library door she pulled me into a tight hug. As she let go, she gazed lovingly into my eyes and nodded her head towards the door. I broke from her embrace and reached my hand out to touch the knob. Esme walked towards the kitchen then, leaving me alone and slightly shaky at the library door.
I wondered at that. Why was I feeling so anxious, even nervous? Was it just because I was afraid of Alice's wrath?
No. It was because I was about to be with Edward in a different way than I ever had before. It felt like it should have the first time we'd planned on making love together. All the anticipation, nervousness, and excitement was there but without the hurt and misunderstandings of the first time I'd thought we were going to be together.
This was his way of making it up to me.
He had tried before of course, with our Coates Estate marriage ceremony but even that had been marred. By James.
This time was different because this time it would remain special and untainted. Even if it wasn't as unbelievably earth-shattering as the first time we had made love, it would still always be very special.
Just like Edward.
~~:::~~
I had, of course, planned everything. Even working out in my mind every possible contingency I could think of, just in case.
It had gone much more smoothly than I had anticipated. Mainly due to my parents, Lizzie, and Bella's quick mind and easy going manners.
She was standing in front of me now with her back to the closed and locked door of the library, her hand still on the doorknob, putting her left arm behind her back to maintain that connection, with her right arm relaxed at her side. Her head was slightly titled as if she was studying me. After a few moments I began to feel a bit nervous, wondering why she wasn't coming any farther into the room…
But I caught on quickly that she was now perusing the room, taking in the roaring fire, the fact that there was no furniture in the middle of the room and in its place was a feather futon mattress, with pillows and a light comforter all in white. Dozens and dozens of candles enclosed in cylindrical glass, all of varying heights, lit the room directly around but several feet away from where I'd set up our makeshift bed.
As her eyes caught sight of a silver bowl filled with ice, with a second, smaller bowl contained within it holding strawberries, she smiled at me.
"I see you've planned this evening out very thoroughly." She gave me my favorite little grin.
"Of course." I smiled in response. "The important thing about this evening is that we keep our promise to each other, to never sleep apart."
Her eyes narrowed. "Somehow, I don't think sleeping is all that's on your agenda, Edward." She stated shrewdly.
"I'm shocked, Bella! How could you suggest such a thing with this being the eve before our wedding night?" I gave her a indulgent smile.
We both laughed quietly. There was a feeling of warmth and love that was always present between us. I hoped and prayed that I would never take it for granted.
With that thought, I remembered my previous promise to her and myself, that we'd wait until we were married to be together completely. Even though we were technically already married, and because of that had already made love many times, the fact that this was the eve before our legally binding one made me feel suddenly uncomfortable with what I was about to do. As if I was taking advantage of her in some way…
"Bella, I know this may sound silly to you but I wanted to remind you that the marriage ceremony tomorrow only binds us legally, allowing you access to my property and finances... The marriage we are currently bound under already ties us together in the most important ways, allowing you access… To… Well, me. Completely."
We began to stare deeply at each other. The only sound in the room was our breathing and the fire. As our eyes roamed over each other's faces and bodies, the teasing and lighthearted tone that we'd just been experiencing morphed and changed into something else.
"I know, sweetheart." She stated very quietly.
I reached both my arms straight out from my body towards her, curling my fingers towards myself. "My love, please come here."
She hesitated.
It was only for a split second but it made my heart skip and I felt the nervousness return quickly. However, she bent down to her feet and removed her shoes, lightly tossing them in the direction of one of the chairs.
She then came towards me, and quite honestly, I'd never seen her like this before. She looked almost… Predatory.
She reached her arms and hands out. As she got to where I was standing, right in front of our romantic sleeping area, she slowed. As she finally reached me and our fingers touched, the electricity that was ever present between us when things turned to desire sparked dramatically.
I heard her sharp intake of breath. "This is… So magical Edward…" Her eyes, while lust danced within them, were still bright and happy.
I did something I had never, in my entire life, done before. I felt it begin at my toes and head straight up to the center of my chest. I growled at her. "Come here." I commanded.
She swiftly came to me, erasing the space that had existed between our two bodies.
It was as if we'd never been together before. As if we would never be together again. It was raw and passionate as we groped over each other's bodies to remove our clothing as quickly as possible, kissing deeply and thoroughly.
We found ourselves naked and on our knees on the feather mattress facing each other with our hands intertwined between of us, breathing heavily.
"You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen." I told her—my need for her shaking me to the core.
She still had that predatory glint in her eyes and as I watched her, she released my fingers from hers. I felt my growl return but she quickly stilled it when she reached up with both her hands to run her fingers along either side of my face at my jaw line.
"I was made for you. As I am yours, you are mine. Always."
She'd barely finished speaking when she suddenly closed the space between our bodies completely. Her arms had gone around my neck and mine had gone around her waist. Our fingers were digging into each other's skin.
Our tongues were dancing together and our moans of pleasure were not very loud, as if we both wanted our passion to remain under our tight control. I knew if she became too loud, I would lose control… And I did not want to lose control. I wanted it to be passionate between us, yes, but not frenzied. I wanted her to feel my love for her, not my overpowering urge to covet her, to possess her.
She seemed to feel exactly the same way.
She was still kissing me but I could feel her hands drift away from my neck, slowly down my chest, carefully around to my back from under my arms, tenderly along my spine… Her hands felt like she was trailing fire along my skin.
And then she growled.
"Make love to me as if you never have before. Make me yours." She whispered intensely.
I growled again in response to her, feeling my fingers tighten around her waist. I slowly pushed her down onto her back into the soft mattress and while doing so, reached behind her knees to pull her legs out from under her. I moved her thighs apart with my legs and she raised her knees slightly. As she lifted her upper body slightly off the mattress to place her hands back around my neck, she pulled on my hair as if she was going to try and pull me bodily into her.
"Edward." She implored me, not desperately but commanding.
I had never, ever felt this kind of burning desire and outright need. Not for anyone or anything.
I possessed her quickly but then I began to move as slowly as I could. Even though we'd been on the edge of it being frenzied and manic, I slowed us down as we got to the actual act of making love.
We went from speed and furor to passion and delight.
As I held myself up with my elbows, just barely above her, I watched her reaction to our change in pace. I brushed her hair back, leaving my hands on each side of her face as I tenderly caressed her ears and her jaw with my fingertips. She looked up at me while placing her bottom lip between her teeth. I bent my head down to her slightly, gently kissing her lips to encourage her to release her bottom lip and whispered how much I adored her. I then languidly tangled our tongues together as I changed my angle just enough to increase my depth into her glorious body. She responded by wrapping her legs around me and moving with me.
I could see her begin to unravel, slowly losing her control, even though she was trying so hard not to. She began to breathe more shallowly, then more rapidly, until… I felt the extreme intensity of her grip on the hair at the back of my neck during her release. I kissed her on her nose, her eyes, her forehead…
I had begun to feel proud of myself but a single tear rolled down her cheek and I was about to stop because of it.
She gathered enough air into her lungs to quietly tell me she loved me as she beamed up at me with a contented smile.
I realized that we were completing each other in a way that was both astonishing and beautiful at the same time... This realization almost took my breath away. My body's response to this thought and the knowledge that I had just given her so much pleasure was to move more deeply and with a slightly increased tempo...
I was trying to concentrate on what I was doing and as the feeling of completeness enveloped me, as I felt myself let go, I somehow maintained enough control to tell her in a whisper that I loved her too.
There had been so much intense pleasure but we had remained quiet—no shouting or screaming. It simply would have broken the sanctity of our moment.
We'd managed to go from an animalistic lust for each other to sharing our love and completing each other magnificently.
I was hovering over her body and Bella was quietly but happily crying. I gently kissed her nose and she giggled as her face took on a warm glow. She rubbed her nose to mine and we sighed at the same time. We were both out of breath and smiling at each other.
However, we still didn't speak. There were no words necessary.
I did not want to move. But I knew we could not sleep in our current, connected positions. I carefully rolled away from her, pulling her with me as I laid down next to her. She had both her hands on my chest as she nestled her head into the crook of my arm. I reached behind me and pulled the comforter over our bodies to keep us warm… I barely brushed my lips across her forehead, kissing her, then holding my lips against her for several minutes, before I tucked her against my body a little more tightly so we could drift off to a peaceful slumber together.
We'd been completely in tune to each other's bodies, our wants and our needs for each other. It was… Perfect. She was perfect. She'd told me later that I'd been perfect for her.
I reminded her that we now had two very different experiences to pull from later in life, and that we also had two wedding anniversaries to celebrate. I'll never forget the look on her face, her eyes big as saucers and then the enormous grin that had spread across her face… And then we laughed together.
We really had been made for each other. There was no doubt about it.
~~:::~~