If You Only Knew, Chapter 3

Shepard POV

Shepard staggered to her feet. Her legs felt stiff, her ears were ringing, and the rifle felt heavy in her hands. She rose over her cover gingerly and vaulted over, her eyes assimilating to the light just in time to see the bright flash of the Collector ship's thrusters coming to life.

"They're pulling out!" She dimly recognized Grunt's voice as she shielded her eyes and the ground shook with the force of the ship. They could only watch helplessly as the misshapen vessel streaked away across the sky with half the colony in tow.

"No! Don't let them get away!"

She turned around to see the old mechanic, finally out of his hidey-hole. His eyes were full of dismay as he watched the ship go.

"It's too late," she said, her voice raw. "There's nothing we can do."

The old man began to protest. "Half the colony's on there! You can't just—"

"I can't stop them. I did what I could."

"More than most, Shepard," Garrus added quietly.

Recognition flashed in the mechanic's eyes. "Shepard? Wait." He turned on her. "I know that name."

His voice turned to disdain. "Sure, I know who you are. You're some big Alliance hero, right?"

Emily arched an eyebrow and he was sure she was going to respond with a stinging retort, but before she could a new voice joined the conversation.

"Commander Shepard, captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel." Shepard could feel her mind rapidly going numb. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

Could it be?

Her mind refused to accept the sight of Kaidan Alenko, standing in front of him with her eyes full of wonder. It wasn't him. It couldn't be him. Because if it was...if it was Kaidan…

Why does he look so angry?

Garrus POV

Garrus froze when he heard the voice, and so did Shepard. He barely heard the old mechanic scoff in contempt and storm away. All he could really register was Kaidan…and Shepard.

A strong emotion ripped through him when the Sentinel took Shepard into his arms and he felt an overpowering urge to blow Kaidan's head off. Without thinking, he stepped forward but abruptly stopped himself when Grunt snickered. Fortunately, the humans didn't notice.

What happened next was…interesting, to say the least. Kaidan threw accusations at his lover, his eyes burning.

"You've turned your back on everything we believed in, Shepard! I wanted to believe that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this!"

"Kaidan, I was clinically dead! Cerberus brought me back so I could investigate these attacks! You—"

His eyes roved over her companions. "Garrus, too. I can't believe this."

Shepard was getting impatient. "Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself"— she pointed at the ruined colony for emphasis—"the Collectors are attacking human colonies. And they're working for the Reapers!"

Kaidan shrugged. "What if they're behind it? Cerberus could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you!"

Any semblance Garrus had of patience vanished at this point. He'd always figured Kaidan for a rational guy, but now, going off about Cerberus like they were the Reapers themselves… "Dammit, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus that you're forgetting about the real threat!"

"Maybe," Alenko said, "Or maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight." He turned away. "I have to report back to the Alliance. Maybe they'll believe your story."

"Wait!" Shepard's voice was bordering on pleading, and the emotion returned. Garrus had to fight to keep it down. "Don't go, Kaidan. Come with me…it'll be like old times."

Kaidan looked back once, and the turian saw a hint of the old Kaidan return to his cold brown eyes. "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus."

And then he was gone. Shepard dropped her hand to her side, staring helplessly after him. After a long silence, she hung her head and stifled a sob.

Garrus raised a taloned hand, as if to comfort her, but thought better of it. Strictly professional, he told himself.

Keeping her voice tightly under control, Shepard put her hand up to her earpiece. "Joker, we're ready for pickup. I've had enough of this colony."

She turned back to her companions and it shocked Garrus to see the cold grief behind her hazel eyes. "Let's go."

Shepard POV

Shepard,

I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?

Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me... maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside.

But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself.

When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care.

-Kaidan

She read the message over and over, her mind numb. Did he actually expect her to accept this as an apology?

I hope you enjoy disappointment, she thought dryly as she deleted the message.

She watched the message disappear from her inbox. Feeling utterly wretched, she drew her knees up to her chest and buried her face in her arms. She wanted to cry.

Spectres don't cry, she reminded herself. She reached for the bottle on the shelf and made to take a long drink when she thought better of it. It would not do, she decided, to track down Tali in geth space with a hangover.

Cursing herself, Shepard rose out of her chair and headed for the elevator, hoping to find something to occupy herself with.

Strangely enough, she ended up in the main battery with Garrus.

"Shepard. What can I do for you?"

She shrugged and sat down on a box. "Have time to talk?"

"Sure...just killing time, anyway."

There was a long silence. Garrus studied her worriedly, thinking.

"That must have been hard," he said finally.

"Yeah," she agreed. "It was."

"Are you okay?"

Emily dropped her gaze. "I don't know."

"Well, I'm here to talk, if you need it."

She looked up, surprised at his gesture. "I...okay. Thanks, Garrus."

There was another silence. Finally, Emily got up to leave.

"I'm going to make preparations for Haestrom," she said. "Get yourself ready."

Garrus cracked a toothy turian grin. "Just like old times, Commander."

"Just like old times."

A/N: Sorry for the wait. Shamefully, I almost forgot about this fiction collecting dust in my Fanfiction folder. Meh. . Well, here's chapter 3.

I hope this satisfies your reading desires. Winter break starts pretty soon, so that means more time a) preparing for the Edison HS Model UN debate, and b) cranking out chapters to satisfy my lovely readers! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or alerted this story. It's nice to know that I'm doing something right. Hah.

Thanks also to ITestedGarrussReach, who remains a steadfast reviewer of my painfully slow-coming stories. I admire your patience, my dear. This one is for you. :)