If You Only Knew, Chapter 4

"Dammit, Shepard! Stand aside!"

But she remained resolute. "Look at him, Garrus. There's nothing left to kill."

"He left good men to die that day!" Garrus spat. "Stand aside! Let me finish this!"

"They threatened my life, Garrus." The shaking voice of Sidonis reached his ears. "I didn't want to, but I didn't have a choice."

His grip tightened on the rifle. "That's not good enough!"

"Garrus!" Shepard's voice returned. "Don't sink to his level."

Pride was the last thing on his mind at the moment. Revenge was just a finger twitch away, and if Shepard was in the way…he pressed down ever so slightly on the trigger.

What the hell was he thinking?

Garrus was shocked at himself. Had Sidonis driven him to the point where he'd be willing to put a bullet through his only friend just to get to him?

He eyeballed Sidonis through his scope.

He's not worth it.

He lowered the gun. "Let him go, Shepard," he said resignedly. "I'm done."

He vaguely registered Shepard telling Sidonis to leave as he holstered his rifle. As he went to meet her at the skycar, he realized he felt emptier than he had before.

Shepard POV

The ride back to the Normandy was full of horrible, awkward silence. She hadn't expected anything less.

The moment they'd touched down in the shuttle bay, Garrus had brushed past her and stormed up to the main battery. She watched him go with a gutwrenching pang of guilt.

After a long deliberation, she followed him.

"Garrus?"

He turned his head ever so slightly. When he spoke, his voice was ice cold.

"What do you want from me, Shepard?"

"I want to talk about what happened."

Garrus turned around. "There's nothing to say," he said flatly. "Sidonis got away."

"I'm proud of you, Garrus," she said quietly. "You took the chance to be the better man."

"Since when does pride figure into this?"

She scrutinized him, her eyes narrowed and her stance defensive. "Why, Garrus?"

"What?"

"Why were you so driven on killing Sidonis? He betrayed you, sure, but…I saw something in you that I'd never seen before. I'm worried."

"Don't," he growled. "Leave it, Shepard."

"Don't be stupid."

Those three words, however simple, sent him over the edge. Garrus moved so quickly she didn't even have time to react; hitting her upside the head so that her vision was spinning and she felt something hot and sticky trickling down her temple. Emily gasped and caught herself on the wall, struggling to stand.

Her ears ringing, she faced him, biting back tears of pain and wrath. "What, Garrus?" she panted. "Hit me again, I dare you."

He was very still for a moment, his body seemingly quivering with rage. But as quickly as it came, the red haze faded.

"If I thought hitting me would make you any better, I'd let you do it again," she said, trying to keep her voice from shaking. "But it won't. Make a damn decision, Garrus. Pull your shit together, or get off my ship."

She left, her fingers working to staunch the blood coming from her cut. Garrus did not move, simply stood rooted to the spot as she slowly made her way to the med bay.

"The cut looks bad, Shepard," Chakwas said, concerned. "What caused this?"

Emily shrugged. "Hit my head on the shuttle," she lied. "Didn't know it was this bad until Miranda told me I was bleeding."

"So I see," Chakwas said in a neutral voice, but Shepard knew she didn't buy it. Mercifully, she said nothing.

A few more stinging jabs and Chakwas wiped the rest of the blood off her face, satisfied. "All done," she said. "You should probably stay here overnight, Shepard."

Shepard shook her head dazedly and shrugged off a helpful arm, limping towards the elevator. She was keenly aware of Garrus's piercing stare on her until she disappeared into the lift.

It wasn't until Shepard had curled up on her bed that the pain overwhelmed her and made it hard to breathe. It wasn't just physical pain, either—it hurt to see Garrus descending to the level of something he was not, it hurt to see just how much he had suffered, and it was all…her…fault.

Great, heaving sobs wracked her body, making her chest hurt and her head throb. First Kaidan, now Garrus…she cried uncontrollably, the tears stinging her eyes. It seemed like every pent-up emotion that had plagued her since she woke up was spilling out onto the mattress, and Shepard had never felt so lonely, or wretched, in her life. She curled up into a ball and cried until she was out of tears, pining for Kaidan, for Garrus, for anyone to please come and make it better.

She was soon aware of someone else in the room. She blinked and the blurry silhouette in her vision cleared, revealing the hulking form of Garrus standing in the doorway.

"Garrus," she croaked.

"Shepard, I—" He broke off, his blue eyes apologetic. "I'm so sorry."

She nodded and weakly reached for him, a bloody hand pawing the sheets feebly in an attempt to get to him. Garrus crossed the room and sat down next to her, not protesting when she crawled over and put her head in his lap. He was still for a while, but then his hands gently fingered the fresh cut on her forehead.

"I didn't realize…" he murmured. "Oh, spirits, I'm so sorry."

"'S'fine," she muttered and coughed dryly. He gasped.

"Shepard—oh shit—" He pulled her upright swiftly, staring in shock. She brought up her hand and coughed again, frowning in confusion until she saw the fine mist of blood on her palm. The last thing she remembered before she passed out was his strong arms picking her up and carrying her off somewhere.