If You Only Knew, Chapter 8

Shepard POV

Jesus, this had to be just like Lord of the Flies.

As Shepard, Jacob, and Garrus made their way through the godforsaken stretch of jungle that was Aeia, she couldn't help but quietly marvel at the incredibly perverse nature of everything around them. The women, separated out from the men…the men, utterly feral and barely coherent…it almost made Shepard want to take a bite out of a leaf just to see what would happen.

The plants here would make for lovely narcotics, she thought bitterly.

She wondered if the same disturbing thoughts were running through Jacob's mind. It was his father they were searching for, after all. And by the looks of things, their reunion wasn't going to be smiles and hugs and talk of the good ol' days of Daddy 'n' me.

By the time they'd finally (painstakingly) taken out the damn YMIR mech guarding the entrance to Taylor's little hideaway, Shepard resolutely hated the man. It was one thing to drive his people nuts with toxic veggies, entirely another to be guarding one man with brainwashed guards and a heavy mech against people who couldn't even string together two words without spraining a lobe.

And there he was, blabbering on about how his crew had gone insane. She so wanted to hit the man, but she decided to take her time. She hoped the visor could take pictures—she wanted to see the look on his face when he realized that his son was part of the "rescue" party, and had seen his father's handiwork.

"Thank God you're here," Taylor said. "Sorry if the mechs scuffed your pads. I'll get you something nice when we get back to Alliance space—gotta have some back-pay coming."

"What about your crew, Acting Captain?" Jacob's eyes were mere slits, his arms crossed in a defensive and indignant pose.

"Total loss." He sighed in false resignation. "The toxic food drove them completely insane."

She cracked a mirthless smile as Jacob cut in again. "That the best you can do?"

Taylor's gaze flicked over to Jacob, and then to her. "Do you let all your people speak out like this…uh, who are you, anyway?"

"Doesn't matter. You've got some explaining to do."

"Of course…things were pretty chaotic after the crash. They didn't accept me as captain…and then they started eating the local food, and I couldn't control them. They propped me up in some kind of ritual behavior. Waiting for a chance to signal has been hell."

"Just stop! We know what you did to your crew—why let this go on for ten years?" That was Jacob, tense with anger. He stepped forward to confront his father.

"Who the hell are you?" Taylor demanded, eyes flashing with indignant fire.

"Taylor," Jacob spat. "Lieutenant Jacob Taylor."

There was a beat of horrible, sick silence as his expression turned from defensive to…horrified. He mouthed his son's name on his lips, eyes flicking from the operative back to Shepard, and then back to his son.

"Jacob…my Jacob?" he asked tentatively, as if saying it as softly as possible would make his son disappear. Dismay entered his eyes when Jacob nodded.

"Not who you expected, captain?" Shepard sneered. She felt no sympathy for this man.

"I was hoping not to have to explain this to him," he said. "Or anyone."

"There's nothing to explain," Jacob snapped. "You left your crew to die! Played with them like toys! What more is there to it?"

"You have to understand. This isn't me. The realities of command…they change you. I wasn't ready for that."

"Wasn't ready, wasn't ready…you sound like everyone I left the Alliance to get away from!"

Something changed in Taylor's eyes; shock, or maybe disappointment. "You…you what?"

His eyes flicked down to Jacob's uniform. "So this is how it is, now?" he said coldly. "Cerberus?"

"Better to serve under them than people like you," Jacob countered. "They never left their people to die."

A sudden movement caught Shepard's eye and she turned around. The hunters had come through the hole in Taylor's security, and they were approaching with murder in their eyes.

"Why did the males fight back, Taylor?" she asked, her eyes still on the ferals. "Why only the males?"

He shrugged. "I have no idea. This planet has the strangest cycles…like nothing I've ever seen. The males adapted. They were aggressive before, but now…they want blood. And I aim to keep mine."

That must have been the last straw for Jacob, his father's incredible selfishness in the light of his crimes. He leveled the gun to his father's head. "You make Cerberus look like saints," he snarled. "What you did—I should vent your head. But you're not even worth taking the shot."

Jacob lowered his weapon and cast a resigned glance at Shepard. She gave Ronald Taylor an unforgiving look.

"I think we can save the ammo," she said cooly.

"Yeah," Jacob agreed. "But I'm not taking the shot."

He handed his father a pistol. The older Taylor took it and turned it over, giving them an incredulous look. They were already walking away.

"Half-charged? This won't stop them! You've seen them!"

His son turned to give his father one last, cold glance. "It's not for them…Dad."

"Jacob!"

Shepard glanced at her crewmate and pretended not to see the light in his eyes falter when they heard the gun go off behind them.

Garrus POV

Emily sat in her usual spot on the crate in the main battery, watching Garrus working quietly at the gun controls. His ice blue eyes were focused on his work, almost oblivious to the human sitting beside him. She scrutinized him for a while, but finally she could take the silence no longer.

"That was some crazy shit, huh?"

Garrus looked up from his work. "Huh? Yeah. It was."

He avoided her eyes, and Emily realized that it was probably because the scar from his blow was still on her temple. It was healing, but it was definitely visible, and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Ever think of your father?" she asked.

"No," he said. "You?"

"Should I be?"

"It's just a question."

Shepard shrugged. "He was a selfish, lecherous man who didn't give a damn about me or my family," she said. "The batarians did him some justice, at least. There isn't much else to think about."

"I'm sorry."

Emily shook her head. "I don't like to think of such things."

Finally, he met her gaze. "Is something on your mind?"

"Kind of," she said distractedly, feeling mesmerized by his eyes. "I…I was thinking about…our previous conversation."

Garrus thanked his lucky stars that he couldn't blush, but he nonetheless shifted uncomfortably. Here we go. Steeling himself, he nodded, encouraging her to go on.

"I…I don't know if it's healthy for you to throw your life away because of me," she said slowly.

"I already am," he pointed out. "Technically. What's your point?"

"I miss him," she burst out suddenly. "Kaidan, I mean. I don't know—he was so angry on Horizon, and I feel like he—"

She dropped her gaze, unable to stop the tears.

"I feel like he hates me."

The bitter taste of jealousy rose in his throat as he looked at her, biting back the sharp words that had appeared on the tip of his tongue. Of course she was upset, he chided himself. Wouldn't you be?

He tried to put himself in her shoes but realized he couldn't. This is ridiculous, he found himself thinking. It's obvious that Kaidan doesn't care about her. Not like—

Not like I do.

He turned back to his work, pretending to look busy. He didn't meet her eyes. He couldn't, for fear that she'd see right through him. He felt her gaze burning into him for a while longer, and then she left, quietly.

Involuntarily, his thoughts drifted over to the events on Aeia. Maybe it had been his imagination, but he thought something had passed between her and Jacob that maybe he wasn't supposed to see. He felt jealous all over again, before reality kicked in and reminded him that Shepard's affections were probably never going to be directed at a turian.

Especially one like him.

Even with this in mind, Garrus could not let go of that little spark.

In all honesty, there wasn't anything else to hold on to.

Shepard POV

She could not stop thinking about what he had said.

"I couldn't live without you, I guess."

She turned Kaidan's holoframe over in her hands, her eyes drifting over the marketing information etched in fine print on the back. She turned it over again so that he was looking at her, in all his handsome glory.

She smiled. As handsome as ever.

But as she continued to study his face, Shepard realized that the feelings she'd had before were no longer there.

Instead, a certain turian lingered in her memory.

What the hell…

Feeling thoroughly disturbed, she turned Kaidan's picture facedown on her desk and reached for the bottle on the shelf.

A/N: Oh HELL no am I making this easy for them. Granted, she's going to stop denying her feelings for him. Question is, when?

Now, for those of you who haven't gone and listened to If You Only Knew by Shinedown, here's a little excerpt for poetic measure. I think it absolutely narrates the relationship between Garrus & Shepard.

If you only knew how many times I counted all the words that went wrong
If you only knew how I refused to let you go
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I spent, nights we shared, or letters I sent

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight
Bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe in is you
If you only knew

Much love to everybody who's read in reviewed. I'd like to give a shoutout to ITestedGarrus'sReach, Siha Shap, and Ember Filled Mist for their regular, encouraging, and wonderful reviews! Love y'all! Trust me, this is going to be good. This is going to be very good.

Until next time…

BeGodlyBeLynn