GOOD MAN TURNED BAD?

Chapter 10

Horatio and Calleigh sat side by side on a seat overlooking a relatively quiet stretch of the beach. They were silent for a while, but easy in each other's company.

"How's everybody?" Horatio asked at last. "I should know the answer, but… I don't know… I seem to be getting out of touch with them…"

"It won't hurt for a little while - you've got a lot on your mind."

"How's Natalia?"

"Well…" Calleigh hesitated. "I don't know if I should say… she's finding herself a bit isolated."

He looked at her. "Why?"

"You know what the gossip's like in that place… Everyone seemed to get some version of what happened with you and Leverbrook… and her. Now I certainly didn't say anything. And I haven't added to the gossip…"

"I certainly haven't. Who knows where it came from? The lab's always been like that. Nothing's secret. So what's happening?"

"Basically, they all sided with you. Eric would, obviously. Ryan thinks a dirtbag like Leverbrook is fair game, and doesn't really see a problem. Walter… I'm not sure he's got an opinion on it, but he clearly feels the team should back their boss. So Nat's a bit on her own."

"I'll talk to her again. I don't want her to think she was wrong."

"Leave it, Horatio. It's only break-room chitchat for now. And… you'll think I'm hard… it might do her good to think about the bigger picture and team morale."

He was doubtful, but, in the back of his mind, heard Cecile's warnings about taking on responsibility for the behaviour of 'grown adults'. "OK, but keep me posted - if it starts getting out of control, tell me."

"Of course. And, while there may be few secrets, your… personal matters most certainly are. I promise you that." She squeezed his hand quickly. "I presume that's what you want to talk about."

"I've had a few long difficult sessions with Cecile… Yesterday, we got to the point of her suggesting that I simply carried around too much guilt. I don't think I do… but she's the expert… And that's what she sees…"

"Guilt about what? You've got precious little to feel guilty about…"

"She says… I feel guilty about everything that happens… Speed, Ray… and, of course, Mari…"

"Do you?"

"Of course I do!"

"Well then, I kind of agree with her… Because you really can't justify feeling that guilty. Speed and Ray brought things on themselves, didn't they?"

"But not Mari…"

"No, but I have no doubt she knew what she was getting into. After all, she had a brother in the same job for a lot of years. There's no way she didn't know the risks."

"To me, maybe. Not to herself."

"I don't know, Horatio. Perhaps she didn't see herself as a target… But you couldn't have done more - you can't wrap someone up, lock them away, just to keep them safe… You really have no reason to blame yourself."

"But I do."

"I know you do. And Cecile may be right - you do take responsibility for all sorts of things that aren't your fault. Almost as if it's a challenge… With regard to Marisol… if you were in any way to blame, do you think Eric would feel so utterly protective of you?"

"Protective?"

"Oh yes. You don't see it, I expect."

"Well, it's not the first word that comes to mind." He fell silent.

Calleigh busied herself opening some packets of food she had brought, and placing them, and some bottles of iced tea, on the bench between them.

He picked up a tea, flipped the top, and took a sip. "She called me self-centered."

Calleigh chuckled. "That, to me, suggests you only think of yourself, in which case she couldn't be more wrong."

"She did say it wasn't quite the right word. I gathered she meant that I feel I have to take responsibility for everything, whether I should or not."

"Well, that I'd agree with."

He nodded thoughtfully. "It's my job though, isn't it?"

"In the broadest sense, yes. You're the boss. The buck stops with you, and all that…"

"So I can't do anything about it."

"Well, Horatio… There's responsibility. And there's guilt. If one of us screws up, say… I know you'd take responsibility, support us through any repercussions, and so on. But if you felt guilty… assuming we'd screwed up on something we knew perfectly well how to do… and if you carried that guilt for a long time… Then I can see what she's getting at. Although, I suppose… If something bad happened because of our screw-up… Sorry, that wasn't very coherent… See, how useful am I? Have something to eat…"

"Not hungry…"

She looked at him sympathetically. "Not eating and not sleeping… From the look of you…"

He shrugged. "I'll survive."

"I'd like to see you do more than 'survive'. Call me sentimental, but I'd actually like to see you as you used to be."

"Too much water under the bridge since then…"

"That's fair. Life happens to all of us. But I would so love to see you enjoying it again." She gazed at him. "Not much chance, eh?"

"Doesn't feel like it."

They sat in silence. At last, Calleigh said, "Do you accept what Cecile said?"

"I think I have to. Not sure what to do about it…"

"Well, I'm sure she'll help you. I'll help you, of course, but I don't really know what I'm doing…What I was saying just now related to the job. If you're feeling guilt about things that aren't even to do with it… Oh, I so much want to help."

"You're helping me, Calleigh… You're listening." He turned to face her. "Tell me what to do."

"Oh, sweetheart… I don't know, do I? Can you switch off something that's obviously part of your nature?"

"I seem to have switched off everything else - that's what started all this." He sighed. "It's very odd - I thought my problems were about 'switching off', and Cecile said as much… I've switched off most of my emotions, any compassion and understanding I might have had once… I know I'm doing the job on auto-pilot… and I never used to be like that. That hostage thing the other day… it was Eric who had to look after the kid… I was just sitting watching…"

"But you're left with the guilt?"

"Doesn't make sense, does it?"

"It must do, since it's what's happened. From what you're saying… you're drowning in guilt, with this supercharged sense of being responsible for everything… And your perspective's just about gone…"

He nodded unhappily. "Sorry, Cal, I'm not expecting solutions. I just needed to talk."

"Anytime, Horatio… You know that." She watched him run a hand across his face. "It breaks my heart to see you like this… You will go back to Cecile, won't you?"

"Have to, now. What other option have I got?"

They had little further conversation. He wasn't hungry, and she had lost her appetite. As they stood up to go, she held her arms out to him, and held him as loving an embrace as she could manage. It was all she could do.