Author's Note: Just a harmless little parody, guys. I'm American myself, I mean no disrespect. (Btw, if you're wondering about the ending, just read Flowers In a Box. It'll all click.)

"So, CBS, I herd u liek Sherlock…?"

Sherlock strolls into the lab. "MOLLY!" he says.

Out steps a scantily clad I-can't-believe-it's-not-a-stripper. "Hi Sherlock," she says.

"Who's body is this?" says Sherlock.

"He worked here. I knew him, he was hot! But not as hot as you." says Molly. (Silly Molly, says the slash fans, Sherlock is gay!) A laugh track plays in the background.

Sherlock deduces some shit and then cool special effects play. Then it cuts to this guy in a bed.

The sound of guns fill the air as John Watson, badass army doctor, springs out of bed.

"Good morning USA, I gotta feelin that it's gonna be a wonderful day!" sings John as he makes his cereal.

Then the theme song starts to play.

"His name is Sherloooock, and he solves crimes."

"His name is Jooooohn, and he's an ordinary guy."

"But togeeeether, there's nothing they can't do."

"Not bombs nor Moriarty nor guns can ever stop these two!"

We cut to a therapist's office. John lies on a comfy couch and a guy with a beard and glasses is talking.

"It's going to take you awhile to adjust to civilian life, and writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help."

"But if I'm always blogging then what will I have to blog about instead of blogging?" says John. The laugh track plays again. (Several Tumblr users gif this for a time when it may be needed).

"Figure out yourself, beotch." says the therapist. "I'm just a dude with beards and glasses."

John shrugs his shoulders at the camera.

We then cut to John meeting Sherlock and ya da ya da ya da. Who cares about developing friendships and stuff because THERE IS A MYSTERY DUN DUN DUUUN.

Sherlock and John rush to the scene. Some dude was murdered by poisoned but expensive Chinese food.

Sherlock slips on his glasses. "Guess next time this guy should just… order McDonalds."

"I'm Loving It" plays in the background as a small product placement montage shows of John eating Mcnuggets filled with jam.

"Solvin crimes can be hard," he says. "DAMN MY LEG. So, when I need energy, I just get a nice batch of McJammins- only available at Mcdonalds."

We cut back to the show. Some explosions happen and Sherlock and John have a car chase with the murderer. They end up handcuffed together, don't ask why it happened it just did who needs plot when you have America.

Then they meet this hot chick but it isn't Molly it's another hot chick. She wears a skintight jumpsuit and her name is Irene Alder. She has long brown hair that cascades down her shoulder, just barely stopping above her huge breasts.

Then a building explodes and Sherlock punches some guys. And jumps out of buildings and bangs some hot chick LIKE A BOSS. AND TURNS into A JET AND BOMBS THE RUSSIANS.

"No homo, man, but you rock," says John.

"It's cool," says Sherlock. "Brostyries before mysteries."

And if not for those meddling kids, then-

"STOP." says CBS Director. "I'm sorry Duncan, but this script sucks. There's no way we can film this."

"But I capture everything right about America!" says Duncan. "Guns, hot chicks, bromance, America, explosions, cheeseburgers…"

"That's not what America is about! America is about unsubtly and unrealistically hot actors, not that stuff! Now out of my office,"

All of a sudden a person strolls through the door and hands the CBS director a script: it reads, "FLOWERS IN A BOX, THE TV VERSION."

The CBS Director takes one look through it and jumps out of his chair. "YES! YES! Now zis is what America is about!"

…Coming to a theatre near you.