I'm always EARLY. Seriously, it's like a disease. My friends and family actually give me incorrect times to social gatherings and events so that I show up a little less early than I would normally. It's a disease, I tell you. A disease!
Happy Sunday, everyone! Celebrate the dismal end of the weekend with a chapter full of ridiculous silliness. No really, take nothing seriously. Suspend disbelief and I'll give you a cookie. For anyone who lives in Ohio, my apologies. I looked on google maps for names and I have no idea what they actually look like. And I hope that everyone can follow along with the first part to each chapter. It's fun to just write dialogue and not worry about pesky descriptions.
Thanks for the super duper response to the story! You guys are readers of the highest ranks of badassity.
-Chapter Two-
***August 2010***
"Duuuuuuuuude."
"SHUT UP FINN-dummy!"
"I can't help it. I gotta go."
"Finn, I don't want to make you feel bad about yourself. But please believe me when I say this. I absolutely refuse to sing or hum so that you can relieve yourself."
"O.M.G. Rupaul just refused to sing. The apocalypse must be right around the corner."
"Don't worry, no one will have to sing, because I'm gonna wet my pants."
"Too bad they don't make pull-ups in fucking doofus size."
"Man, I'm so sick of you ragging on me. This whole summer has been you trying to make me feel…like dumb or something."
…
…
…
…
"Are you fucking serious? YOU ARE DUMB, you asshole. Instead of whining about it, you should be embracing it. You could have gotten gold in all the events at that god damned special Olympics. We could have sweet parking like Artie's dad, all the time if we could just declare you mentally fucking handicapped. You seem to forget that every bad thing that happened this summer was cause of your stupid ass circus peanut brain or your retardedly small bladder!"
"That's was very verbose, Noah. Are you lying about something?"
"What are you on about Man-hands? Seriously? Is this another secrete jedi mind-meld thing that you and Puck do? You can like, psychically tell when Puck is lying?"
"He just happens to say a lot of words when he's attempting to either stretch the truth or hide something. There are many funny anecdotes that I could recount that would illustrate this point."
"Yeah, yeah, we get it, Rach. From the whole time you and Puck were secret best friends. Right. And Quinn and me just happened not to see any of this."
"Cause you're dumb and blind as a dumb blind bat?"
"Lots of other people knew. Of course those are the very people that we're trying to reach with the podcast. Mike…Matthew, Brittany or Santana…even Tina and Artie. I just don't understand why this computer's internet connection only works with the Itunes…but if we can just get someone to download it…hold on. NOAH!"
"Yeah, Berry-pants?"
"What on earth did you title this podcast?"
"Save us, save us, save us. Like you told me to."
"Read the last words."
….
…
….
….
"Save us you selfish fuckers."
"WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING? How are we supposed to get people to help us when you're blatantly insulting them? Are you trying to keep us trapped down here forever?"
"Chillax, Berry-pants. Someone will download this. They'll be amused by the title-"
"Oh the very insulting title? The horrendous title that will be sure to incite someone's good will and send us help?"
"I'd download it."
"Not. Helping. Finn."
"Sorry, Rach."
"Noah Puckerman, STOP edging away from me. You are going to get your well-deserved punishment. You aren't getting cookies for at least a year due to your ridiculous behavior this summer…."
"Is that a metaphor for sex, Rupaul?"
"What's a metaphor?"
"And I'm telling my Daddy J of all the life endangering situations that you forced me into…"
"WOAH, don't sic Jerome on me. You got yourself into plenty of crazy ass shit this summer—"
"STOP TALKING! I'm going to-I'm going to-"
"Scream us all to death?"
"ARRRRGHHH!"
"Berry-pants, no! NO- noooo! PLEASE STOP! Hahahaha…please oh god, I'm going to piss myself-stop! Oh god! Not the claw!"
…
…
"Huh, Quinn? I think this thing is still recording on the interhighway."
"That's just…fabulous."
***June 2010***
"Duuuuuuuuude."
"Shut up, Finn!"
The quartet of teenagers sat in silence once more. Minutes passed as they barreled down the highway at a speed way past the legal point. Route 76 flew past in a blur of concrete and slower cars. They were about one and a half miles behind Rachel's cellphone signal, which miraculously, had stuck on the roof the car they were trying desperately to catch up to. Finn squirmed against the passenger side door, his thigh sweating as it was glued to Quinn's. There wasn't much room in the cab of Noah's pickup, and they had been driving in 91 degree heat for the last two hours.
Finn's desperate need for the bathroom appeared moments after leaving Lima, and he had been behaving like a hyperactive, yet still morose toddler ever since. Quinn had pinched him every time he even tried to complain about their current situation. He was sure that he had bruises up and down his torso by that point. He couldn't understand why he had been seated next to the hormonal and post-partum Quinn, when Puck got the even tempered and pleasant Rachel. All of his annoyance only seemed to make his overly full bladder even more of a presence and it didn't take very long for him to begin to make impatient noises again.
"This sucks," he pouted. He felt the pinching on his left side immediately and he couldn't help but shout, "Dammit, Quinn! You're going to like…rupture my appendix or something."
"Except your appendix is on your right side, Doofus McGee," Puck grumbled.
Rachel smiled at Puck then looked to Finn in a consolatory manner, "Noah only knows that because my daddy Micah had his removed three summers ago. I was inconsolable and-"
"Seriously? You're telling fun stories of you and Noah, now?" Quinn scoffed. "Are you insane? Have you been like…present the last six years? Puck hates you. He's thrown a slushy in your face daily for the last two years."
"That's not true. I'd have to be like, loaded to be able to do that," Puck shrugged.
Rachel looked at Quinn in astonishment, her mouth gaping slightly as she stared between a clearly in-the-dark Quinn and Finn. She closed her mouth, only to shake her head slightly and open her mouth again.
"I thought-Santana would have told you," Rachel finally managed to say quietly.
"Tell me what? That you're looney tunes?" Quinn demanded.
"I hate to interrupt this really, awesome hissy fit…but we have a problem," Puck said quietly. He didn't really want to hear Rachel's explanation of the last six years, anymore than she would have wanted to tell it. How do you tell your best friend's baby mama and your sort-of idiot boyfriend that you've secretly had a soul mate (and betrothed, if you counted his mother's opinion) for the last six years behind every one's back? And how in the hell would Rachel explain that she was being a martyr for his popularity? That is, without looking like a complete idiot.
"We didn't lose the signal," Quinn looked down at her phone and still saw the GPS tracking Rachel's phone up ahead.
"We're running out of gas," Rachel whispered, looking at Puck's dash board. "Oh, Noah. I told you to fill up last night when we got back from Mrs. Sokoloff-Leonardo's house."
"What? Where were you? You told me you were busy last night!" Finn snapped suddenly.
"I was busy. Noah and I had a birthday party to attend. Our summer camp counselor's daughter turned-"
"We have to stop…" Puck interrupted. He veered off the exit.
"We should try to call someone," Quinn said suddenly. She looked at each of the other teenagers in the car and demanded, "Someone call someone and get us help, here."
"My daddies are on a cruise together. It's their 18th anniversary. They'll be gone for a month."
"My ma's at work. She doesn't even have a cell phone on her…"
"Burt, Kurt and my mom went camping," Finn said quietly.
"Kurt is camping?" Rachel and Quinn said simultaneously.
"Why aren't you camping? You were like…a boy scout and shit," Puck wondered.
"I wasn't invited. Burt is still pretty mad at me," Finn shrugged, clearly uncomfortable with the current topic. He looked at Quinn and shrugged, "Can't you call someone?"
"Oh, let me think…I'll call my dad," She smirked ruefully and shook her head with a scoff, "Nope…can't do that. How about my mom? Who stopped talking to me again when she realized I was giving up her bastard grandchild for adoption. Nope that's a dead end there, too. I can't even call Mercedes because her family just left for vacation this morning, and her dad confiscated her cell phone so she could properly devote herself to family time."
"What about Tina and Artie? Santana and Brittany?" Puck wondered.
"I don't talk to Tina and Artie, so therefore I don't have their numbers," Quinn mumbled. "And Santana deleted her and Brittany's numbers from my phone after the whole…babygate fiasco."
"I have every Glee club member's cell phone number. IN MY CELL PHONE. Which you had Finn throw out the window," Rachel turned an annoyed glare Puck's way. She looked around anxiously and wondered, "Where are we, Noah?"
"Western Star," Puck shrugged.
"Fitting," Quinn rolled her eyes. She leveled a glare Rachel's way and demanded, "Why didn't Mr. and Mr. Berry settle here instead of Lima?"
"They obsessively researched Ohio for the most liberal, left-leaning town they could. Lima was the best they could do," Rachel stated matter-of-factly. She felt the truck lurch to a stop suddenly and she gripped Noah's arm in sudden fright. "Please tell me that isn't what I think it is."
"We're done…we're out," Puck admitted morosely, pulling the truck over and letting it drift as the engine cut out completely. He swallowed and looked to the side of the road and said, "Gas station is five miles from here."
"Oh," Rachel made a slight, annoyed whimpering noise.
"FINALLY, I get to pee!" Finn said excitedly, jumping out of the truck and rushing to the side of the road.
The rest of the teenagers hopped out of the truck as well, Quinn obsessively watching her phone as the signal they were trying to follow got further and further away. They stretched their legs slightly and waited for Finn to join them so they could figure out their next move, but five minutes rolled by and he was still standing in front of a corn field, shuffling from foot to foot.
"DUDE, seriously? Just piss and get it over with!" Puck commanded.
"Can't," Finn whimpered. "You know I can't pee outside…I need a toilet."
"That's totally information that I never wanted to have," Quinn grumbled, smirking at an agreeing Rachel. "Are you going to be able to walk for gas without having peed first?"
"I'm going to die!" Finn wailed. He was seriously about to have a breakdown on the side of the road. He had never felt so uncomfortable in his life. It was like…waterboarding or something. He had never had to pee so badly and been so unable to pee before in his life.
"Dude, think about rushing water…"
"Babbling brooks…"
"A faucet dripping…"
Puck, Rachel and Quinn began to make what they deemed very impressive water sounds. Rachel immediately stopped when she heard Finn humming something, barely audible above the whooshing of water sounds coming from Puck and Quinn. Her classically trained ear picked up on it however and she whispered between Puck and Quinn, "He's humming the Friend's theme song."
"Well, they do have fountains in the opening credits," Quinn shrugged.
Puck rolled his eyes, unable to believe his luck. He should have consumed six slices of pizza by now, and then retired back to the Berry's house so that Rachel could have made him a fresh batch of cookies. It should have been a proper start to his summer. Not chasing after a Cadillac Escalade containing a kidnapped Mike and Matt, with the mother to the child he had given away, the girl of his mother's and maybe his dreams too, and the dumbest man on the planet. He wrinkled his nose, feeling a rage volcano from deep within him bubble and simmer, just ready to explode.
"BA nananana bah nah nah nah nah!" he practically shouted, kicking off the theme song he knew well. Seriously, Micah and Jerome Berry were huge Friends fans.
The girls joined in quickly and they ba nana'd and doobee dooed their way through the theme song with a surprising amount of joy. Rachel and Quinn actually broke into giggles as they shouted the impromptu concert at the top of their lungs on the deserted roadway. Finn actually began dancing, if you could call it that. His upper body spazzed about, his head looking suspiciously like a bobble-headed variety.
"Cause you're there for me TOOOOOOOOooo ooooo oooooo ooooo!"
Quinn and Rachel were red in the face and out of breath from giggling and even Puck smiled as Finn turned around, his business finished. His mega-watt smile made him look like he was a toddler who had just successfully went in the potty for the first time. Puck shook his head in exasperated, albeit amused disbelief and demanded,
"Is your special time over now? Can we please go and save our friends now?"
"Yeah," Finn nodded with a dopey grin. "You know how I always told you that I come up with my best ideas when I'm taking a whiz?"
"NO!" Quinn and Rachel chorused together in identical disgust.
"Yeah, dude," Puck acknowledged.
"Well, I've got one right now."
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Seriously, what kind of computer only lets you use the internet through Itunes? Does the Bellagio have wicked firewall or what? And how can Quinn and Finn be the only Gleeks not to know about Puckleberry lurve? How many times has Finn's bladder caused near ruin to this quartet of traveling teens? Does the Friends theme song help you to take a whiz? And good lord, why would anyone actually listen to an idea that Finn had while taking a whiz on the side of the road? Will Rachel tickle Noah to death? Or just tickle him to the point of major arousal? And seriously, all of Lima Ohio is on vacation? The cops too?
All of these answers and probably more than you want will be answered...Tuesday. Or you know, it's me. So it could be tomorrow too. Thanks for reading! Mmwwwwaaahhh!