Peoples. I cannot stop giggling. You'll see...
Chapter Three
***August 2010***
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
"Yo, Stupid VonStupidson, you're going to rupture the last ten brain cells you have left."
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
"Really, Finn, if you keep insisting on crushing your head against the wall in such an insanely brutal manner, it's going to swell. And I'm putting this as kindly as I can, but if your forehead becomes any larger, you will no longer be quirkily proportionate."
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
"Seriously? Rupaul's right. If you go from monster forehead to ginormous monster that ate the monster forehead? I will totally never ever let you get to second base again. You know what I'll do? I'll eject you from the game, Finn. Immediately."
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"The pain was making me forget about having to pee."
"I'd be willing to do you a solid, Finnderella. I'm going to punch you as hard as I can…but you have to remember the first rule of-"
"NOAH! Please desist with the violence and channel your considerably destructive and resourceful energies into getting us out of here."
"Yeah, really, Puck. Aren't you the boy who managed to get a herd of cows onto Coach Sylvester's front lawn during Spring break of our freshman year? Where did that boy go?"
"And man, remember when you flooded my basement? My mom still hates you. Also she hates you and sort of loves you at the same time for you being the one to knock Quinn up…"
"Noah…you are the same boy that has managed to torture Rabbi Greenburg the last six summers. You are the same boy who made slushy a verb. You are the same boy that has managed to not attend a math class in two years and still maintain a C plus average-"
"You have a C plus? Man, I suck up to Mrs. Grim and she still gave me a D minus!"
"Regardless of grades and what Noah may or may not have done with Mrs. Grim in order to procure a decent grade…I know that deep down, you have an irrepressible need for destruction, violence and mayhem. How on Earth are you just sitting there, calm and collected? My Noah would have-"
"Now he's completely yours? I mean, we talked about it, but I didn't realize that you had signed the mortgage to him already, Man-hands."
"Noah was mine a long time ago, Quinn…"
"Yeah, you guys and your stupid end game. I'm going to break your PS3 if we get home, dude."
"WHEN we get home, Finn. And we're going to get out of here, because Noah will…"
"Berry-pants, save it. I'm not doing something reckless here. No way. No how."
"I don't understand, Puck…you do reckless things all of the time. I sort of recall being oh, you know, WITH CHILD for nine months due to a really reckless thing you did."
"Noah. Please. I know you have an idea. Why aren't you doing something?"
"It won't work, and it could get you and Quinn really hurt. I'm not going there. Ever."
"So I'll be safe, dude?"
"Unfortunately yes."
"Cool. Thanks for thinking of me, man."
"Noah, I trust you. We need to think of something. They'll be back eventually, and we should be prepared. I trust you. With everything."
"After everything that's happened to us this summer, I really doubt one more thing is going to kill us, Puck. Spill."
"You guys are nuts. Seriously…alright. Finn…"
"Yeah man?"
"Start banging your head against the wall again."
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Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
***June 2010***
"Dude, you have a cell phone on you? If you tell the girls, they'll go nuts!" Finn stared at his friend with wide and fearful eyes. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"It's pay as you go. I have five minutes of air time left. And Rachel's number is the only one I have programmed in to here," Puck admitted gruffly. He saw Finn's possessive and angry expression immediately flare across his countenance and Puck rolled his eyes. "Seriously, man? During the summer and winter break? Rachel and I are like…BFF's. I'm for real."
"That's crazy…it's totally not possible," Finn shook his head adamantly. "You're like lava lamps."
"Are you channeling Brittany now?" Puck furrowed his brow in confusion at Finn's random comments.
"Rachel's like the oily bubbles, and you're like the rest of the goo in the lava lamp," Finn insisted, as if it were obvious to anyone else that had ever met them. "You don't mix."
"Man, I know you and your mom love lava lamps. You have eighteen of them in your house," Puck raised a disbelieving eyebrow.
"Twenty, now. We each got the other one a new one for Christmas," Finn shrugged. "They're in storage now though. Kurt says that its not athletically pleasing."
"Aesthetically," Puck corrected. He saw Finn's guffaw and shrugged, "My vocabulary is loads better during the summers. The Berry's have been prepping me for the SAT's since me and Rachel were twelve."
"Super weird."
"Whatever, you say we're lava lamps. Fine. Because sure the stuff doesn't mix together, but at least its like they work together and its…cool to look at," Puck smirked. "I've seen you staring at one for three hours once, without blinking."
"Whatever, who are you going to call?" Finn demanded. He couldn't help the sudden grin break out over his face and he chuckled to himself. His mood had gotten infinitely better since he had been able to relieve his bladder. He mumbled to himself jovially, "Ghostbusters."
"The only number I know besides Rachel's and my house is…Deputy Sherriff Duncan Siemans."
Finn laughed, garnering the attention of the girls who were standing on the opposite side of the road, Quinn keeping an eye on her cell phone as they slowly walked up the street, enacting Finn's plan, which surprised the hell out of both of them. It had actually made a little sense. Sure Rachel was now in her sleeveless pink button down shirt…with a lot of the buttons not done up, her already short pink and blue plaid skirt hiked up indecently. Quinn was in no better of a position…the boys had deemed her post-baby physique perfect for this particular mission, and she was now in just her tank top, her sweatshirt having been confiscated by Finn joyously.
She was having a hard time not letting the post baby boobs pop out for all the world to see. Her jeans had been expertly shredded by Puck, so that they resembled the most indecent pair of daisy dukes on the face of the planet. Seriously, Britney Spears had nothing on her at that point. Rachel and Quinn were slowly ambling down the road, arms linked and hands intertwined.
Puck had to admit, the plan was fucking brilliant, which was an epic feat of ridiculous proportions for Finn. No trucker in their right mind would be able to resist two hot high school girls who looked like that. The fact that they looked tri-sexual was just extra icing on the cake. The boys were hiding expertly, they knew that a trucker wouldn't stop if they saw two doofuses trotting after two hotties.
"Hey assholes! We're totally doing the hard work here…try to at least look like you're being serious," Quinn hissed angrily.
"Quinn is right. We're parading ourselves around out here like harlots at the Moulin Rouge. The least you could do is pretend to appreciate the humiliation we're going through," Rachel fumed.
"Keep strutting, ladies, please," Puck threw in the polite modifier for Rachel's benefit, and was rewarded with a small smile and a roll of the eyes. Puck looked back to Finn and smirked. "Try to not laugh…they're angry. Quinn will cut off your nads and Rachel will do the cha cha on them if you poke the angry lionesses."
"Right…but your calling Deputy Semen. That's hilarious. He's gonna hang up on you," Finn insisted.
Puck took a deep breath, knowing that Finn had a seventy-five percent chance of being right. But he had to do something. He didn't trust leaving a voice mail for his mother. The woman could smell when he was up to no good, but she had no idea how to work the answering machine or the voice mail. She'd discover it five years from now after their bodies had already decomposed on the side of the road.
Sure he only knew the cop's number by heart because he, Finn, Matt and Mike had continuously prank called the man since they were thirteen. But seriously, the dude had it coming. Who has a name like Deputy Sherriff Duncan Siemans? And if they do have the unfortunate moniker, they had better expect to be prank called by every teenage boy in town. He took a deep breath before punching in the well known number and hitting the dial button.
"WHAT?"
"Uhm, hello sir," Puck said quietly and respectfully.
"PUCKERMAN? Whaddaya want? Lemme guess, Dunkin donuts wants me to make a donation for their new coffee flavor? Steamin Semen, right? Save it, Mohawk. I can't wait till I can bust you and put you behind bars."
"Sir, I'm not going to make fun of your name this time," Puck insisted. "I need help."
"Is this like the last time you needed help, Puckerman? What was it…oh yeah, you told me you needed help finding my wife's nether regions…right?" the irate police officer shouted over the end.
"My friends and I saw two people kidnapped today…at 5th and Court…we have a signal on them, but we need help, we're stranded in Western Star…"
"Save it. I don't give one small rat's ass. This is all some crazy prank you're pulling for the start of summer."
"Really, sir. I'm not…I need help…"
"You saw someone kidnapped today? Well, kid, that means they've been missing less than twelve hours. Which means that I officially don't give a crap. Their parents will call if its for real. Which I doubt, since its you. The official reason for vasectomies."
Puck took a deep breath and growled, "You're one to talk about vasectomies, Semen-boy. Your wife BEGGED me to have sex with her last summer, but guess what? I don't do transvestites! Have fun with your herpes."
And with that, Puck pressed the end call button with as much force as he could muster, glaring down at the phone. Finn smirked at him and shrugged.
"So, that means, I've had one good idea…and you've had like…zero?" Finn wondered with feigned innocence. "So much for me being the stupider one."
"There's a truck! There's a truck in the distance!" Rachel screeched suddenly, pointing down the road, where about two miles down, there was an eighteen wheeler barreling towards them, and the nearest gas station.
"LOOK SEXY!" Finn ordered.
"Make out!" Puck demanded.
"WHAT? NOAH PUCKERMAN, I am going to-"
"Just do it!" Finn called out. "Get his attention!"
"Oh for cripe's sake!" Quinn growled, suddenly pulling Rachel to her, placing her mouth against a squirming Rachel. Huh…so this is why Brittany and Santana were life-partners in training. Rachel stopped squirming and Quinn actually began to enjoy herself a little. Her lips tasted like berries of all things, and Quinn couldn't help but enjoy Rachel's sense of ironic self-advertisement.
"Oh holy mother of fucking God," Puck whispered as he watched the girls tread into serious fantasy territory. His mind was confused enough as it was, with thoughts of Rachel constantly and the thoughts he had sheltered for Quinn since their brief time together. This was like the best day ever. Kidnapping…no gas…dying on the side of the road.
…
Totally. Fucking. Worth. It.
"Damn," Finn cringed suddenly. "Oh crap…"
"Mail man. Dude. MAIL MAN!" Puck punched Finn's arm repeatedly, hoping to save his friend from staining his pants. The last thing he needed was to hear Finn complaining about his soaked and uncomfortable tighty whities for the rest of the road trip from hell.
"They aren't slowing down!" Rachel pulled up for air to shout, only to be completely silenced again as Quinn practically devoured her lips once more.
Puck shook his head as if trying to clear a sudden fog as Finn actually turned away in order to control himself, walking in tight circles and muttering about "Aunt Irma's back fat". Puck looked down the road and saw the truck barreling down just as fast as ever, completely missing the hot girl-on- girl action in his view. Clarity and inspiration struck at the same time and before he knew it he had yanked Finn's arm and brought the both of them into view of trucker.
He ripped Finn's shirt wide open and pulled his own up over his head. He bent over provocatively and yelled.
"SMACK MY ASS, DUDE!"
Both girls tore themselves away from the other and looked over at the boys in complete astonishment and utter fascination. Puck was bent over as if he were picking something up, looking back at Finn with a smoldering look of downright naughtiness and Finn, surprisingly enough followed directions easily and caught on quicker than he ever had before in his entire life. He pulled his hand back and smacked Puck's rear end, his hand lingering and copping a very visible feel.
Rachel and Quinn's mouths opened identically, and the very same red blush bloomed on both of their cheeks. Quinn still had her arm linked in Rachel's and she involuntarily squeezed.
"Is it wrong that-"
"This is really kind of sexy," Rachel finished in a whisper.
The girls weren't the only ones to think so, as the sound of screeching brakes echoed in the previously still and silent countryside air. The truck driver obviously liked what was being advertised as it came to a stop directly beside Puck and Finn's provocative little show. The four teenagers gathered together, Rachel and Quinn still entangled, Finn and Puck standing next to each other, Puck now upright, gazing intently at the darkened windows of the eighteen wheeler.
The windows slowly rolled down and the smirking face of a middle-aged woman appeared, smiling down at the quartet.
"Ya'll need a ride?"
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bwahahahahah! I swear, I'm not a slash writer and this story is so not going to end up with a literal Fuickleberry group love in. Maybe. But it made me giggle, and I hope it made you giggle too.
So...what's Puck's big plan on getting out of that vault? Does it involve Finn slapping his ass? And what kind of trucker has picked those idiotic teenagers up? One that wants to see boy on boy goodness? And if so, where does that leave poor Quinn and Rachel? And can I write a fic one shot on all the crank calls the boys have made to Deputy Sherrif Duncan Siemans? Please? And seriously? WHERE ARE MATT AND MIKE?
All of these questions, and maybe more will be answered...ah who am I kidding, probably tomorrow. This is seriously fun and easy to write. And everyone who reads makes it that much funner and easier. Seriously funner.
Cookies and lemonade to all of you fabulous peoples!