Hello Glee-peeps! So, apparently, the best way to get me to update? Curse like sailors in reviews! I was all giggly at seeing the f*bombs and whatnot that I was like, I need to post another chapter. And here we go.
I know the beginning parts get confusing at times, but this is the last chapter that is going to be the pod-cast format. You'll see...
-Chapter Seven-
***August 2010***
"Noah? Do you want me to sing angrily again? Because to be honest, I am feeling a little physically drained at my recent voyage into the land of violence. Even though it was self-defense and for the purpose of doing good music justice…I don't know that I'll be able to summon the same rage as the first time. I'll be far too self-conscious. But if you insist, I'm sure that another song would help me get to the correct state of mind. I recommend Nine Inch Nails…"
"No way, Rupaul. You listen to Nine Inch Nails?"
"Hell yes she does. I make sure she listens to quality shit twenty-four seven, at least for 97 days out of the year."
"Oh it's quite a bit more than just 97 days out of the year. I've incorporated the more high energy songs into my modern dance class."
"Please tell me you have a dance to Closer."
"Watch it Fabray-licious. That sounded a little too bi-curious."
"Fuck off, Puck. Let them talk, dude."
"Finn, you are entirely too invested in seeing Quinn and I enter into sexually experimental waters. You're living in a dream world."
"Berry-pants, he's living in a wet dream world. Population? His dick and occasionally his mail man."
"You're disgusting, Puck. And hold on, why am I the one telling him he's disgusting? Manhands? Isn't that your job?"
"I've become quite accustomed to Noah's vulgar thoughts and language. I dare say that I find it slightly humorous at times. For the predictability alone, I assure you…"
"Bullshit. You blush like a fucking tomato when I talk dirty. You. Love. It."
"Why don't you try talking dirty to her Quinn? I'm sure she'd blush. And then, you know-you can just do what comes naturally. Like feel each other up?"
…
…
…
…
"FINN!"
"No harm in asking."
"Dude, you can keep asking them, but eventually, they're going to both kick your ass to death and shit."
"Totally worth it. I mean, come on man. Even you gotta admit…the only two girls you've ever cared about in your whole life making out and stuff? It'd be like catching ten Trix bunnies."
"…S'true. Alright. I'm on Team Finnmantha. Have at it ladies."
"NOAH!"
"Go to hell Puck!"
"You can act all offended if you want. But fuck…you're two incredibly smoking babes. And you know what each other's lips taste like. Berry…don't you miss that soft feeling of Quinn's mouth on yours?"
"Noah, this is entirely inappropriate."
"And Quinn, admit it…that first time you kissed my Berry-pants? You totally creamed your panties when you realized her mouth actually tasted like berries?"
"I hate you, Puck. For so many reasons."
"Whatevs. Stop trying to deny the amazingly awesome lesbionic undertow. Just let it drag you down. It'll feel amazing…here….you sit here, and Berry-pants, you sit here…put your hand there…feels nice, right?"
"mmmmm…"
…
…
…
…
"FINN! Mailman. Get over here with me by the door. Keep it up ladies…Sweet Jesus on Crackers."
"Dude…she's totally putting her hand there."
"I know…shhhh…I hope this never fucking ends. EVER."
"Mailman, mailman, mailman, mailman, mailman, mailman, mailman, mailman."
"Rupaul, how in the hell do you-mmmmhhhmm-how do your lips taste like berries. It's seriously amazingly retarded."
"-I kind of love the way your eyelashes hit my cheeks when you do that…"
…
…
"I don't care if those crazy robbers kill us. I'm going to die a happy man."
"Shhhh…someone is coming in…get ready, dude."
"Mac? What are you doing with these kids-holy shit. Holy. Shit."
"NOW!"
CRASH! BANG! WHACK!
"Grab the door Finn!"
"Got it!"
"All right Berry-pants, Q, we're out like a fat kid in dodgeball."
…
…
…
"Girls? Want to stop kissing and escape the scary criminals now?"
"Puck, why'd you have to ruin their fun? MY fun?"
***July 2010***
"WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING YOU BRAZEN HUSSY?"
Quinn squirmed on her bed anxiously, as Rachel pinned her down with the former Cheerio's hands held tight above her head. Rachel ignored Brandi's arrival except to sneak a quick look at Puck, who Brandi had pushed through the door moments earlier. She saw Puck's eyebrow raise ever so slightly and she got right back into character, bringing her mouth against Quinn's neck in a painfully slow and torturous manner.
"NO Rachel! No more! I don't want to be a sinner anymore you horrible Jewish person!" Quinn squealed anxiously, wriggling beneath the stronghold that Rachel had her under. She shot one short glare to Finn, who was sitting in his bed, the blanket over his body as he continuously muttered mailman under his breath. "Ms. Walton! Please help me! Please NO she's going to DAMN MY SOUL FOREVER!"
Puck winced as the larger woman rushed over to the girls and threw Rachel off of the bed. Quinn wailed obnoxiously and Rachel rolled her eyes.
"Please, she wants me. She always wants me and my amazing dirty lesbian kissing and sex!" Rachel insisted dramatically, being very careful to keep her words believable, to her at the very least. This wasn't an auditorium full of people. This was an audience of one. "Don't even try to deny that you haven't let Noah and I do whatever we want to you Quinn! We've corrupted you with our…EVIL sexual ways! There is no salvation for such a sinner as you!"
"I don't want to anymore!" Quinn cried, fat tears rolling down her face. "I don't want to live a life of sin! I want to be SAVED! Finn and I never sinned before you EVIL JEWS came into our lives."
Finn turned away, chewing on the side of his cheek so as not to laugh. Puck drew attention away from the weak link in his plan and let a low, mirthfully evil chuckle rumble in his throat.
"It's too late now. There's no going back. Just give in to what feels good and let Rachel touch you all over…"
"NO! It's never too late. Jesus forgives child. He does," Brandi insisted, comforting the obnoxiously sighing blond. She shot a look Finn's way and demanded, "But the Jews back in the box! They'll learn."
Finn quickly grabbed Rachel and Puck, somehow easily squashing their resistance as he drug them for the door, eager to get away from Quinn as she bawled as if she were on some soap opera as Brandi Walton stroked her head gently.
"Ms. Walton? I remember learning about Jesus before the evil Jews kidnapped me…do you think…he really will forgive me? And can we sing a song of praise to Jesus? Please?"
Finn pushed Puck onto the porch and looked down at the box Puck had clearly spent the evening modifying. It seemed like it would be inescapable, but when looking closely on the inside, he could see where nails had been removed, providing an easy escape. Puck and Rachel would be a tight squeeze, but it wouldn't be for long…just until he and Quinn could get Brandi away from the cabin and back to her own home. Then it would be time for phase two.
"Quinn is really quite a good actress. Sure, there were instances where the lines seemed a little forced and stilted, but overall the effect was what we needed, I would say it was definitely an impressive debut," Rachel smiled between the boys. She looked at Noah her expression a definite request for similar praise to be heaped upon her.
"You were awesome, Berry-pants. A very convincing evil Jew lesbian," Noah chucked her chin approvingly.
"Yeah, I'm still…that was good," Finn mumbled, shifting slightly. "All right…give me and Quinn an hour or two…you guys will be-okay in there?"
Puck smirked at the plywood box and then to his friend and then looked at Rachel, "She's tiny…we're used to being cozy, anyway."
"Noah!" Rachel admonished, giving Finn a sheepish smile.
"I hate you Puck," Finn grumbled, clearly not ready or willing to hear about all the times Puck and Rachel had been cozy in their secret hidden past.
"Whatever dude. Remember the plan. Send Quinn back to us and you work on the truck. We'll have everything taken care of. We're not spending another day at Jesus Camp," Puck promised. His hand went for Rachel's hand to guide her into their shared cramped quarters. He couldn't help the smirk that bloomed over the thought of being squished against her for the next few hours. Basic his ass. "Don't fuck up, Finn. We have to get out of here. I'm not getting fucking baptized."
"Got it. Good luck."
***Elsewhere, July 2010***
"DUDE."
Mike furrowed his brow and squinted slightly, not that it helped. He was still blindfolded and had been for three days. He turned his head to where he hoped his friend was and whispered back,
"Sup, Matt?"
"Eh, nothing much. Just thought we could take a minute to reflect or whatever," Matt threw out sarcastically. "What the hell man? How can you be so calm? We're fucking kidnapped and have no idea where we are…"
"I'm trying to be zen, dude," Mike admitted. "If my mind allows no harm to come to me…then no harm will come to me."
"I hate you Jackie Chang," Matt said miserably. "Of all the people I could have gotten kidnapped with, it was you. ZEN? Idiot. Cadillac would have shrieked our kidnappers brains out by now. Puck would have managed to Macguyver us out of the car. Hell, even Finn would have managed to blindly walk himself over a cliff and away from kidnapping danger. But no-I get the sixteen year old version of like, Mr. Miyagi and Spock rolled into one."
"Calm down," Mike insisted in a very zen-like manner. "The true heart of a ninja is calm. It makes the violent ninja stuff that much more fun."
"FUCK YOUR MOTHER! JUST CAUSE YOU'RE ASIAN, IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE A FUCKING NINJA, DUDE!"
"And you're not Shaft either, but that doesn't stop Mercy from making that your ringtone on her cellie," Mike smiled.
…
…
"I miss my Cadillac," Matt pouted.
"Whatever, we'll see her soon. Promise. Nothing bad is going to happen."
"We're kidnapped dude. Our kidnappers haven't even spoken to us…we have no idea where we are…where we're going…nothin' man!"
"There is one thing," Mike shrugged, even though Matt couldn't see his gesture.
"What, you're a fake ninja with too much freaking ZEN?"
"No…I recognized the perfume of our kidnappers. It's a super-duper familiar scent. I know who kidnapped us…"
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I'm giggling now. This story brings me ridiculousness and joy. And the fact that you guys enjoy reading gives me joy too. I have a rough outline of how this story is going, but no definite chapter number, and I'm being pretty free and easy about what I jam in here. It's a lot more easy-going than World Famous Sugar Cookies was, where I had an iron clad outline. I'm going wherever the crazy Fuickleberry train takes me.
So...will Puck and Finn be able to get Faberry to stop making out for five seconds so they can make their escape? Do they even WANT to stop them? How many more times can I get Faberry to make out in this story? And can I ever get Fick (Fuck? Pinn?) to make out? Will Brandi sing songs to her savior with Quinnie? Do I even know any songs about Jesus? What the hell are Puck and Rachel gonna do in a box for a few hours? Can I make one of the excellent smuckleberry writers do that part of the chapter? And how much have I missed Mike and Matt? SOOOO much.
All of these questions will be answered in our next installment. Sometime this weekend. Especially if I get swear words in the responses. heh.