Fuickleberry Saves the World: The Dramatic and Badass Rescue of Mike Chang and Matt Rutherford!
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
. . .
"Remember that episode of Law and Order where those kids had to get bailed out, wasn't it like...a hundred thousand dollars? We only have like two-thousand dollars...we're going to need," Finn paused as he and Puck walked out of the bar amidst the chaos. His brain tried to calculate the math, and Puck could have sworn the gentle, goofy giant's brain started smoking as his cheeks grew flushed with concentration.
"We're not going to need bail money," Puck insisted. He looked across to Rachel who was being cuffed next to a seriously panicked Quinn. He held up two fingers to the brunette and she closed her eyes in slight disdain before nodding.
"Are we going to just bum rush the cops and take our girls back?" Finn wondered anxiously. He shook his head and whispered, "Puck, dude, you know I only get clumsier in a fight...or under pressure. This is BOTH. I'm going to be doubly clumsy."
"No fighting," Puck insisted with a harsh whisper. "Just relax and let me do the talking."
"You're not doing much of anything right now," Finn grumbled. He looked at Quinn worriedly as she too was handcuffed. Her eyes were full of tears and her whole face was pale and worried looking. Finn sighed and said quietly, "You don't know...this isn't good for Quinn. She's been sad since the baby. Like more than just sad about giving the baby up. It's not normal sad. Like post-traumatic something or other."
Puck furrowed his brow and said, "She never said anything about that."
"When's she had the time? You and Rachel have been attached by the hip all summer, and when you're not we're like in...crazy life ending danger," Finn articulated thoughtfully. "I can see it though. That's not normal Quinn sad. She's not in a good place, dude."
"Okay, we got this. Don't worry. Those cuffs will be off in five to ten minutes and then we'll take them back to the motel and be out of here by the morning," Puck promised. He watched as Rachel blinked very rapidly before she took a deep, calming breath. And then, an explosion of sound came from her tiny mouth.
"If you're havin' girl problems i feel bad for you son! I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one..."
"Oh my God," Finn breathed in sharply, his eyebrows shooting all the way up into his hairline in astonishment. He looked to Puck and saw that his friend had rushed off to Rachel, his way completely blocked by a policeman.
"Sir, I'm sorry, but it's only going to get worse," Puck said earnestly. "You need to let me talk to her or..."
"I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol...Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed!" Rachel rapped with as much volume and swagger as she could possibly muster. She eyed the cop that wasn't occupied with holding Noah at bay. She did her very best intensely passionate gaze at him, which Quinn, who was stifling giggles, had easily categorized as batshit crazy eyes. She paused in her rapping, feigning a moment where she forgot the next lyrics (as if Rachel Berry could ever forget any lyrics) and she opened her mouth and emitted the loudest and most ear splitting high G she could, rapidly sliding the note higher and higher until it was unbearable.
"Rap critics they say she's Money Cash Hoes," Puck added, stopping the screaming short.
"I'm from the hood stupid, what type of facts are those...If you grew up with holes in ya zapatos," Rachel continued rapping loudly.
Puck grimaced at the cop who had been trying to hold him back, who had stopped his ministrations in order to cover his ears from Rachel's deafening noise. The teenager held up his hands in surrender and said earnestly, "I'm only trying to help you out, bro. My girl over there...she's not quite right."
"You'd be celebrating the minute you was havin' dough, I'm like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole!" Rachel screamed.
"SHE'S CRAZY!" Quinn jumped in helpfully. "She'll be at it all night now. First Jay-Z, then she'll move on to ACDC. And then...oh God. The Wiggles!"
"Let's just hope she doesn't remember High School Musical..." Puck lamented.
"Barry, I can't listen to High School Musical, my kids made me watch that 19 times in one week," the cop standing in front of Puck revealed. "I have night terrors about Zac Efron."
"Aww, Zefron is cool," Finn frowned. "I liked Charlie St. Cloud."
" I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one...cause we're ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!" Rachel sang-shouted with manic desperation.
"Berry-pants, its gonna be okay! Listen to me babe, calm down!" Puck demanded.
"Oh god, she can read our fears with her mind!" Quinn cried. She glared between Puck and Finn and demanded, "Where is her medication?"
"When we reach, We can fly, Know inside, We can make it!" Rachel added limited choreography to the mix as the volume got unbelievable louder.
"This isn't a joke? She's gonna sing all night?" the Zac Efron fearing cop demanded. "Barry, I can't do this."
"It's what she does when she's stressed. It's like a defense mechanism. I have to get her back to the motel...I can get her to calm down, but it's not going to work here," Puck said quickly and firmly. "Look, we're sorry about the bar, and we'll pay for the damages, but...she's got to get help, man."
"GETCHER HEAD IN THE GAME GETCHA GETCHA GETCHA HEAD IN THE GAME!"
"BARRY!"
"Okay, okay fine!" Barry yelled. Undoing Rachel's and Quinn's handcuffs. His eyes grew wide with astonishment as Rachel began to sing AND do complicated choreography. "You kids get the hell out of my sight. And you had better make this right with the bar before you get the HELL out of town."
"Yes sir, thank you sir," Puck nodded, rushing to Rachel and throwing her over his shoulder as he rushed back towards their motel.
Finn took Quinn's hand and nervously waved goodbye to the officers before he and Quinn took off quickly in pursuit of a still singing Rachel Berry and Noah Puckerman. They were back inside the room with the door bolted within five minutes. Finn looked down and checked his watch before looking up to Puck in astonishment. Puck and Rachel had collapsed into laughter on one of the beds, and Quinn soon followed. Finn was still stuck in confused disbelief as he looked at the other laughing teens.
"How did you know it would take five minutes?" he wondered.
Rachel held her sides and shook her head, "That wasn't the first time Plan 2 has been put into effect, I'm sad to say."
"Rachel Berry!" Quinn gasped and giggled at the same time, sounding like she was having confusing hiccups. "When on Earth have you been arrested before?"
"Not ME!" Rachel clarified. "I've had to play Noah's part before when he's been caught doing things that aren't quite to the letter of the law."
"Dude...did you sing Zefron songs too?" Finn laughed.
"NO!' Puck scoffed.
"Worse!" Rachel shook her head before dissolving in bone shaking gales of laughter on the bed, poking a suddenly sulking Puck's midsection. "Tell him."
"I'm a Barbie Girl," Puck muttered.
"AND?" Rachel demanded.
"...Spice Girls."
. . .
"VEGAS BABY!" Matt hollered, pumping his fist in the air.
"WOOHOO!" Mike called out into the wild, hot night air.
"VEGAS WOOHOO!" Brittany clapped her hands happily. "Can we go gamble now? I want to try counting cards."
Matt looked at her, his face entirely bemused. Mike nodded in agreement and Santana actually patted the blonde on the back. He looked between his three travel companions in confusion before finally voicing his concern.
"What the fuck?"
"She really is pretty good at it," Mike nodded.
"My girl can do anything and everything," Santana praised.
"How...we're-seventeen," Matt reminded them all. "We can't go gamble."
"Bitch, please," Santana scoffed. "You obviously have never lived a day in Lima Heights Adjacent. Cause in the REAL hood, mocha bear, we's be getting' our gamble on."
"Also, Santana has had a fake ID since she was twelve," Brittany revealed. She reached into her purse and pulled out a stack of cards and handed a few to Mike and Matt. "PRESENTS!"
"Bruce Lee," Mike read on of the fake Ids with his face on it. He glared at Santana and muttered, "Really, Satan? Really?"
"Morgan Freeman?" Matt scoffed.
"JACKIE CHAN?" Mike hissed.
"I'm Madonna," Brittany smiled. "Madonna Betterthanyou."
"Boys, what you're forgetting here, is that once we get into our room, Britts and I are gonna get our sexy on. And you will be escorting the two finest bitches in Las Vegas, and quite possibly the western half of these United States on to the floor of the MGM Grand. And then? Britts is going to get her Rain Man on, and we are going to be rich. Now. Leggo."
The boys followed, pouting slightly. Matt took a measured breath and demanded, "And what if it doesn't work?"
"If it doesn't work? I have two jobs set up for you losers at To Wong Fu's Caberet Cafe," Santana shrugged. "Don't worry boys, your legs are gonna look fierce in fishnets."