Chapter Nineteen

Opening the door to their shared bedroom, Derek gasped in shock. His eyes fell upon the bed. Penelope was sitting in the middle of the mattress. What caused his shock was the expression on her face.

She was like stone. Her eyes seemed like two murky gray marbles. All energy had been zapped from them. They were glazed, not reacting to his sudden entrance. The rest of her face seemed like granite chiseled out of a deep abyss. Expressionless, cold, distant. Her legs were crossed and still, her hands entwined and resting on her lap. The only way Derek was able to tell that it wasn't a statue was the faint motion of her chest.

"Penelope!" he cried. She turned her head at last, and her eyes lit up, though it was a barely perceptible action. "What's going on with you, sweetheart?"

"Don't call me that." Her voice was stiff and robotic, yet still thick with alcohol. "Don't ever use pet names like that if you don't really mean them."

"But I do mean it, Penelope. I'm so sorry for what I said on the phone. It's just that I'm really worried about you and I don't understand why you won't let me help you." Silently, Derek prayed that she would accept his apology and then tell him what he knew she needed to tell him.

"You can't help. No one can," she responded. "Not even the vodka…it's only a temporary fix." At least she had admitted she'd been drinking. Not that he couldn't smell it on her breath or anything.

"Of course it doesn't help, princess. Talking it out does. Why don't you just tell me what's keeping you down today?"

"I-I…can't. It hurts too much," Penelope stuttered. She could feel the tears rolling down her face, but she didn't wipe them away.

"Keeping it bottled in won't make the pain any easier. Trust me, baby girl, I know." He leaned in and kissed her forehead, his arm wrapping around her waist.

"You don't know, Derek. You don't know what it's like to be…..used…..like that. You have no idea what I'm going through." She had to work hard to keep the image of Kevin, towering over her broken body, at bay.

"Don't I?" he asked. This was his last chance, he could see that. He decided to seize it by bringing up the worst experience of his life.

"Buford didn't rape you to within an inch of your life, Derek. It's not the same." Penelope's words sounded bitter even to herself, but she couldn't stop them from spilling out. She knew it was insensitive, but so great was her intoxication and grief that she just didn't care.

"I still have the scars, baby. I still have those emotional triggers every time there's a case involving children," Derek answered patiently, trying not to get angry with her. He knew she didn't really mean what she said.

"You do? But you're so strong."

"I am, but it came at a price. Over the years, I've learned to cope. You've helped me with that just by being the woman I love." Penelope was stunned at his response. Never had Derek been so open about himself all at once. And she really hadn't expected that kind of answer.

"You do love me?"

"Why would you ever doubt that?" Derek asked as he stroked her hair. "Since I met you, it's the only emotion that I've felt for you."

"I just wanted to hear you say it one more time, I guess." She smiled at him before pecking his lips. "Love you back."

Though her words seemed cheery enough, Derek caught the nuances. She was still in deep depression.

"Now please, baby, tell me." Her eyes welled up for a moment, but she quickly regained composure.

"It's the nightmares. They're haunting me every night. I can barely sleep. And I guess it's not just when I'm in bed. I can see Kevin standing over me, hear his voice, feel the pain…every waking moment. I remember everything from that day as if it just happened. It's like…he's still above me, like he never left, like you never saved me."

By the end, Derek could feel his throat constrict. He knew that what had happened would surely come back to her in flashbacks, but he hadn't expected what she told him. His heart ached for her. She was right: it was far worse than what had happened to him all those years ago.

"Oh….sweetheart…I'm so sorry. I never should have gone on that case. I should have stayed with you."

"It wouldn't have changed anything. I had the nightmares while you were with me, but they weren't quite as bad. I just didn't tell you. A night or so ago-I've lost all track of time now-they were so bad that I downed a whole bottle of vodka just to get through the night." She buried her face in his chest and began to cry. Her sobs reverberated through her whole body, bringing about physical pain as well. Derek could do nothing but stroke her hair, kiss every inch of her forehead, and whisper declarations of love and promises that he would always be there for her.

"I promise, my beautiful baby girl, that I will never let you go in harm's way again. I promise that I will love you forever and always, and that I will protect you until my dying day. Never be afraid to wake me in the middle of the night so I can scare your bad dreams away, never be afraid to call me during a case just to work through your emotions, never be afraid to ask me for the world, because I would give it to you in a heartbeat."

No bond was stronger than the one right there in that bedroom, none more steadfast than the embrace they held onto. Neither was going to let the either go.

Unless fate intervened…..

Obviously, I'm not done. I know a lot of people would want me to wrap it up here…but honestly I have this great last scene that I want to do that can't happen if I end now. So a bit more angst…that will probably surprise all of you. It's unlike anything I've ever done….