Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover from the abuse. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.

Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.

Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.

Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.

This fic will be updated weekly, unless something goes wrong lol... this first chapter is small, but following chapters will be larger.

Okay on with the story.

Confessions

EPOV

Today was just like any other day with the exception of the small, nagging feeling I had in the back of my mind that something big was about to happen. That thought terrified me completely. It's been five years since I left Sam; since I found the courage to leave a bad situation and make my life better. It was five years ago today, to be exact, that Alice Cullen and her boyfriend Jasper Whitlock had literally saved my life. Thanks to them and Alice's family, I had become a strong, independent man and an abuse counsellor. I spend my days helping others, just as I was helped in the beginning, and I couldn't be happier with my life. The only sour note was my love life.

Alice was forever trying to get me back on the dating horse and truly I did try, but the thought of letting someone else have control over me in any way was something I wasn't ready to deal with just yet. You may say five years is a long time to be holding on, but to me it was a drop in the bucket for the years of abuse I endured. Trust was something I didn't give away. I couldn't find it in myself to just open up and let people in; life wasn't a romance novel and the guy on the white horse never did show up and take me away to his castle. Alice would use Jasper's position as a cop to do a thorough background check in order to get the dirt on any potential love interest for me, then would send me out on a date that would always end up with the let's be friends speech. Some of them I did actually stay friends with, and to this day, Seth - one of the first dates I went on - was a close personal friend of mine.

Work was a place of solace for me, my own personal therapy; my days never dragged and I never felt like I wanted to be somewhere else. I loved my job, I loved working with Esme, Alice's mother, and I loved being able to help gay men like myself deal with the aftermath of partner abuse. Hell, even straight men, who very rarely reported or sought help for spousal abuse, would come see me. My reputation had grown as one of the few counsellors that dealt mainly with male abuse, and I was surprised at the large number of men who suffered for years, just like I had, before they found the courage to get up and leave. A lot of the straight men had children to think about, and I was surprised by the amount of them that stayed in their relationships to protect their offspring, only leaving when the kids left for college. Many a time it was the children themselves that brought their fathers in to see me, pushing them to gain the freedom to live life again, and maybe find love.

In my four years as a counsellor I had been to three weddings, converted more men than I could count from being bigots to proud supporters of gay rights, and had seen twenty- two of my patients develop new relationships with the tools I'd taught them. This was the crux for Alice's meddling, her comments were always the same spiel, if they can do it so can you, and practice what you preach being her favoured lines. So when Alice called me up at work and told me she had a new date lined up for me that night, I was sure with her argument's ready in her mind I surprised her and myself by saying yes straight away and without hesitation. It was time, I was ready. This time instead of going through the motions with my speech of let's be friends ready to go, I was going to give this my all, and what better time to start than the fifth anniversary of my new life.

"I can't believe you agreed to this with no arguments, you haven't even asked who it is." I had only walked through my front door five minutes prior to finding Alice already here, head buried in my closet.

"It's about time, don't you think?" There was a real question in my voice; I was concerned that I was making the wrong choice. I was conflicted, yes it was time, that I was convinced of, but I couldn't help the fear that pushed at the corners of my mind, the doubt that tried to take over, making me want to crawl under my covers and never come out.

"Yes indeed. You need to take your own advice and get back on that horse. What's the worst that can happen?" Alice flinched slightly at her words as my face twisted into a scowl; I knew exactly what the worst could be like. That thought right there almost made me change my mind, almost. Five years is a long time to go without the affection of a lover. I missed having a partner, someone to share my life with; these thoughts were foreign to me, unnerving in a way, and I wasn't sure where they were coming from. Today had been a strange day, something felt off, but right all at the same time. Maybe that's why I accepted this date right away; maybe that's why I was having thoughts of finding someone. My only hope was that I could pull it off. I still flinched when a male raised their hand around me, though my panic attacks had become less frequent, and I was feeling strong and self assured with all the self defense classes I took and all the work outs Emmett made me suffer through, I knew I still had a long way to go.

Emmett terrified me the first time I'd met him, he was a huge bulk of a man that towered over me. My reflex was to shrink into myself and try to hide, not an easy feat at six foot two. His voice was booming, vibrating the walls when he laughed, but to me, even his laughter was enough to send me into a panic attack. I still cringe to this day whenever he raises his voice too loudly, which isn't very often around me. Em learnt a long time ago how to act around me, putting me at ease around him and avoiding the mishap of our first meeting.

It had been six months since Alice brought me home from the hospital; she had insisted I stay with her until I fully recovered. It was four in the afternoon when I heard a key in the door, which surprised me since Alice didn't get home until at least six. From my position on the couch, I turned my head, craning my neck slightly to greet her and ask why she was getting in so early, but my eyes greeted a six foot six man with rippling muscles and a booming voice.

"Alice, where are ya munchkin? I just got in from the airport and I'm tired, hungry, and in need of a shower. Where the hell..." His voice cut off when he saw me, eyebrows quirked in confusion as he stared me down. I cringed, pulling into myself as my body started to convulse. This man was huge and had a striking resemblance to... I cut that train of thought and tried to find my voice.

"Who...um..are...you?" I stuttered out. My reaction must have sparked some kind of realization in him, his hands went up in the classic surrender pose and his voice softened when he spoke.

"You must be Edward; I'm Emmett, Alice's brother." His steps were tentative as he drew closer to me. When he was right next to me his hand came down from their position, and I panicked. I threw myself as far into the side of the couch as I could and a whimper left my lips. I could feel my body trembling violently as my mind ran through the techniques Esme had taught me, 'deep breaths Edward,' I told myself, 'He won't hurt you, you're safe.' The thoughts flew through my head, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't bring myself to calm. He was too familiar, his size, his shape, just his presence was intimidating, causing convulsions to rock through me in fear. The need to run was prevalent, but my body was frozen in place. My eyes were trained on him, watching closely, waiting for the moment of impact to arrive. His lips were moving fast, but my mind could not make out any sound.

His arms stretched out, hands moving towards me, and my head turned swiftly, burying itself into the sofa as my body tried to shrink further into the leather. I'm not sure how much time passed, but at some point sound came back to me. Alice's voice was echoing through me, begging me to listen to her, to breathe, reminding me I was safe and she was here. I felt a male hand on me and my body relaxed almost immediately. Jasper. He was the only male capable of touching me. He would never hurt me; he saved me, him and Alice. His touch had calmed me from the first moment he picked me up from the sidewalk and carried me into the hospital. I turned my head to face him, trying to give him a small smile, but I failed miserably. He pulled me into his arms and rubbed my back gently, whispering soothing words to me. He was my salvation at times like these.

"What happened?" I choked out in between sobs. It was at that moment I realized I was crying, tears falling freely from my eyes, my shirt soaked from the onslaught.

"It's okay now, Edward, you're fine. Em here just freaked you out a bit it seems. I know he can be a bit intimidating, but in time I'm sure you will come to realize what we already know. He is just a giant teddy bear." Jasper chuckled at his own humor, and I smiled a little despite myself. That's when I realized what had happened- Emmett, Alice's brother, flashes of violence, waiting for the pain that never came.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I didn't... I don't... it's just..." I couldn't find the words, I tried so hard. Jasper's hand rubbed soothing circles on my back as I tried to collect myself.

"It's okay, Edward, take your time. Breathe buddy." Jasper's comforting words echoed through me, his touch bringing my mind back into focus.

"He's so big, Jasper, just like..." A hiccup left me as my breathing evened out and I sniffled.

"I understand, Edward, I'm sure Em does too; he was just as surprised as you were."

"I'm sorry about that, Edward. I really didn't mean to startle you. I didn't think at all to be honest." His voice made me jump slightly and Jasper's hold on me tightened, reminding me I was safe and no one in this room would hurt me. I was disgusted with myself, revulsion running through my system at the thought of upsetting Alice's family after all she had done for me. I needed to grow a pair and face the fact that not everyone would hurt me like he had.

"No, Em," My grip tightened on Jasper as I sort the strength I needed to get through this. "I'm sorry for behaving so badly. I can't, I mean I don't..." I took a deep breath and tried to make a complete sentence. "I'm sorry." It was the best I could do, and I hung my head in shame at my failure.

We spent the rest of the afternoon and most of the night talking, and it only took me an hour to be comfortable enough to release Jasper's hand in Em's presence, much to Jasper's relief. I found out later he needed to use the bathroom so badly but was terrified to tell me.

A loud chuckle escaped me as I recalled that memory, causing Alice's head to snap up and look at me with a quizzical expression. "What exactly is so funny over there, Mr. Masen?"

"I was just recalling the first time I met Em." Another chuckle left me.

"I don't recall that being a very funny day, Edward." I could see the smile making its way to her lips no matter how much she tried to hold it at bay.

"Jasper was very funny as I recall - he needed to pee so badly, but refused to leave my side." At that comment Alice lost all control, laughter spilling out of her as the memory of it flashed through her mind.

"He was in pain, Edward; he was wincing by the end of that hour!" She guffawed as she spoke causing her voice to rise, "He needed to go so badly I think he even considered just peeing in his pants." She doubled over, clutching her stomach as she trembled with her laughter. Speak of the devil and he shall arrive.

"What's so funny in here you two." Jasper eyed us suspiciously, a small smile gracing his lips.

"We were just remembering the night Edward met Em." Alice's laughter was not dying down in the least; I think the sight of Jasper's frown as she mentioned that night added to our amusement. He was shaking his head, not happy at all about that night or the state I was in when he entered the apartment that day, but before he could say a word Alice clarified, reminding him of his need to pee moment. His laughter echoed through the room, increasing my own laughter in the process.

"That was terrible; I never want to suffer like that again. I actually thought my bladder exploded at one point." He chuckled, shaking his head and sighing as his laughter died down.

"So besides reliving one of my most painful moments, what are you two up too? Getting Edward ready for his big date with Jake?" My head snapped up at the name. I knew who Jacob was, I had seen him a few times with Jasper, and he scared the hell out of me the first time I had seen him. If I thought Em resembled Sam, then Jake could have been his brother. Both were big, with russet skin and jet black hair. Jasper had wanted to introduce me to him on many occasions, but I always refused. I couldn't get past the resemblance, it was too much. I never explained to Jasper or Alice why, I felt like a failure for it, but I think they knew something was off. Which lead me to wonder why they would do this to me now?

"Stop." The word flew out of my mouth much louder than expected, causing Alice and Jasper to look at me with concerned eyes. "This date tonight is with Jake, as in your partner Jake?" My voice shook as I spoke. God, even after five years he still haunted me, and just when I thought I was getting better, something would slap me back down. Jake was a cop, Jasper's partner, and from what I hear, a great guy, but he was too similar, too close. Straightening my back and pulling my focus to the here and now, I set my resolve and tried to make my voice stronger than I was feeling on the inside. "I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't." I turned on my heels swiftly and walked out of the room, determined to keep my inner conflict buried. Jasper hot on my trail. He placed both hands on my shoulders and stopped my motion, turning me to face him, I try to look him in the eye for as long as possible, but in the end, I can't hold it and drop my eyes to the floor.

"Please, Jasper, I can't. Please don't make me do this." I was pleading and I knew it, my voice losing its strength. There was no way I was strong enough for this just yet.

"Relax, Edward, it's okay, no one will make you do anything you don't want to." Looking up at him, I noticed his head was turned to the side, a slight scowl on his face. I followed his line of sight to see Alice standing there, her head bowed in shame.

"You didn't tell him who it was?" His tone was strong, but not too harsh;, he could never be really mad at Alice.

She sighed, shaking her head in the process, "No." It was a whisper from her lips. "Edward, what's wrong with Jake?" She asked with concern and a touch of curiosity laced in her voice. Alice knew my story, all of it, she coaxed it out of me during my weeks of recovering in the hospital. What she didn't know was his full name and what he looked like. I took a deep breath and steadied myself, reaching for Jasper as I always did when something painful was about to be said. He grabbed onto my hand and squeezed it in support.

"Alice… Jacob, well, he, um…" My eyes squeezed shut automatically as I tried to get the words out. Jasper raised his hand and placed it on my neck, holding firmly, his thumb rubbing gentle circles. I sighed lightly and continued. "Jake looks like Sam, not just a bit, but like they could be brothers." I heard a collective gasp fill the air, and I raised my head to look at the two of them; they looked stunned, shocked and a little confused.

"Edward." Jasper squeezed me to him tighter and took a deep breath. "This Sam, is his last name Uley?" It was my turn to gasp, and shock coursed through my system and a loud sob escaped me.

"How did you know his last name?" Grabbing hold of Jasper as if my life depended on it, I waited for them to fill me in.

"Alice, get me the phone, I will ring Jake and cancel. Edward, come on let's go sit on the couch, we have something to discuss." Dread rocked through me at the look on Jasper's face, it wasn't very often he held that look and it only meant one thing, bad news.

Taking a seat on the couch Alice handed Jasper the phone, he quickly dialed out Jake's number, cancelled the date and told him he would explain later. I heard the sigh from the other end of the phone as Jake said what sounded like he understood and then Jasper ended the call. He turned to me and cleared his throat, which in itself made me panic more; Jasper never cleared his throat.

"Just spit it out already. You know what this build-up is doing to my anxiety levels." I huffed out, starting to get slightly annoyed.

"There is a reason Jacob looks like Sam, Edward; Sam is Jacob's cousin." I'm sure the color drained from my face as my head started to feel dizzy. My breathing was coming out in shallow pants and not even Jasper's touch could contain me this time. The attack was coming on thick and fast, blackness started to overtake my vision, and I gasped for breath. My head filled with questions, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. I barely made out Alice's voice on the phone telling Carlisle to get over here now, before everything went black.

My head was spinning as my eyes drifted open; I felt like I had just done ten rounds with Mike Tyson and then been hit by a Mack truck. Thoughts of what had cause my blackout rammed themselves back in my head, and my breathing picked up, harsh pants released themselves as I felt a hand squeeze mine. Looking over to see Jasper and Alice sitting by my bedside, I sighed, raising myself slightly and looking around, taking in my surroundings. Hospital room. What the hell.

"Why am I in the hospital? What the hell happened?"

"Oh, God, Edward, you have been out for just over twenty-four hours. We were starting to think you were never going to wake up." Alice's voice was laced with concern as she tried, without much success, to still the tears from falling.

"Twenty-four hours? How is that even possible?" The door opened as I finished my sentence to reveal Carlisle.

"You're mind couldn't cope with the stress of the information you learnt and decided it needed to take a little vacation from reality for a while." Carlisle chuckled slightly at his own humor. I myself didn't find it the least bit funny, so I just rolled my eyes at him and sighed loudly. "Okay, so not so funny after all. In all seriousness, Edward, your mind just needed time to process the information Jasper gave you before your panic attack, causing you to black out and your body to shut down."

I nodded, silently thanking Carlisle for taking care of me. I knew he would understand and in that particular moment, it was the best I could do.

He reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. I recoiled slightly from his touch causing Carlisle to remove his hand and sigh slightly. "I would like to keep you in here overnight and run a few tests, just to be on the safe side. You should be ready to go home this time tomorrow." He turned, giving Alice and Jasper a smile before leaving the room.

"Jasper." My voice was low; I could hear the fear in it. "Does Jacob know? I mean, about me?"

"Shouldn't we wait until you feel better, Edward? I really don't want you to have another attack." I could hear the worry in his voice; Jasper was my best friend, my confidant, and I loved him dearly, but at this point in time I was rather annoyed and agitated.

"NO!" The sound of my own voice, so loud and strong, shocked me, causing me to jump slightly at it. "I'm sorry, Jasper, I mean, no - I don't want to wait; I need to know. Besides, I'm already in the hospital." I chuckled slightly at my own joke. Everyone in the room could tell it was forced, but I was determined to get answers.

"Okay, Edward. Yes, Jacob knows what happened to you, he asked about you the first time he saw you."

"Why would Jacob ask about me?" I was confused; I had never met Jacob, why would he want to know about me?

"When he first saw you, Edward, he thought you were cute and wanted to know if you were single. It was then that I explained that you didn't date." I swallowed hard, he was attracted to me, thought I was cute, just like his cousin had. Logically, I knew it was stupid to compare them to each other, but emotionally, I couldn't seem to help it.

"So you told him everything?" I was a little annoyed; well, let's face it I was fucking pissed, why would he tell someone I didn't know all about my past. It was… Argh! I couldn't even find the right words to explain why it bugged me so much.

"No, Edward, it didn't happen that way. Over the years, Jake spent a lot of time listening to me talk about you; I was so proud of your progress, all you have accomplished. So it was over time that he eventually pieced the full story together. He is a police officer after all." He chuckled slightly, but it seemed nervous almost.

"It's fine, Jasper, really, if you trust him to confide in, then I get it; we all need someone." Jasper had an unusual look on his face, like he was holding something back from me. Between the nervous laughter and the look plastered on his face now, I was getting extremely uncomfortable.

"Just spit it out, Jasper." He looked up at me and quirked an eyebrow. Though I teased Jasper and played around, I had never spoken to him like that before; my tone was a little harsh and the annoyance that laced my voice was obvious. I shrugged my shoulders at him and waited for him to continue.

"Fine." He sighed, his teasing tone giving him away. "Jake asked what brought on the attack, so I told him that we were discussing your ex. Jake was less than impressed at me for bringing that up and asked why."

"What did you tell him?" At this point my nerves where getting the better of me, a slight tremor running through me. Alice grabbed onto my hand for support. I turned to her, smiling slightly, and then focused back on Jasper.

"I explained to him that you called off the date with him because of his resemblance to Sam. That's when the pieces fell together and Jake knew." My face clearly betrayed my emotions, Jasper face was full of concern as he reached out and place his hand on my shoulder.

"W-w-what." I cleared my throat and straightened my posture, finding the courage to continue. "What did he say?" Jasper laughed, it sounded almost bitter.

"It was that damn cousin of mine wasn't it Jasper? That fucking asshole was the one that hurt Edward. All those years and I could have stopped it, could have helped him if I had only known. God damn it, Jasper." Jasper mimicked Jake as he retold their conversation.

"He is blaming himself?" My voice was strained. It was so ridiculous, he didn't even know me. The whole time I had been with Sam I had never once met his family.

"Yes, sort of. Jake is about protecting, he blames himself for most things he can't fix or people he couldn't save. It's one of the things that makes him a great officer and a loyal friend." Jasper smiled, this time it was genuine as he talked about Jake. "He called me on my cell while you were 'asleep'."

"What did he want?" I was very curious as to what he wanted, but at this point not surprised he called after everything Jasper had told me about him.

"He realized that because of his resemblance to Sam, you wouldn't want him around you, but he asked me to ask you if it would be okay if he visited you in the hospital when you woke up. I told him I would ask, but I couldn't make any promises. So yes, Edward, he knows everything." The look on Jasper's face slightly frightened me; I had never seen him look that way before. It was turning into a day of looks I didn't recognize from him.

"What is it, Jasper, what's wrong?" All other questions were knocked from my mind at that look. I shivered slightly, and Jasper caught the movement of my body as I tried to still myself.

"Sorry, Edward." He rearranged his face into its usually serene look and gave me a tight smile. "I'm just worried; Jake can be a bit of a hot head, when someone he considers family gets hurt."

"He doesn't even know me, I'm not his family." Jasper cut me off.

"I'm his family, Edward, Alice and me. That makes you family by extension. That's the kind of man Jacob is." Jasper sounded a little annoyed, and I didn't understand that. He drew in a deep breath, collecting himself before continuing. "I'm just worried he will do something stupid, something I have been fighting doing myself."

A horrified sound came from me; it was unrecognizable, sounding almost like a broken growl.

"No, Jasper, he wouldn't? You can't... Please don't." The plea came out as a jumbled whisper; I was shocked, confused and really fucking scared. If they did anything to Sam he would know where I was, he would come after me. My breathing escalated, my mind running through my techniques to stop myself from passing out again. God no, please, they can't do this.

"Jasper." His name left me in pants as I tried hard to get the rest of what I needed to say out while I could still breathe. "P-p-pl-lease, call him, tell him…to...come…here...to see...me…before..." I couldn't get anything else out, someone must have pressed the button because a nurse was suddenly at my side placing a mask over my face, and I clung to it for dear life, taking in shallow breaths trying to calm myself. Once my breathing was under a certain amount of control, I pushed the mask to the side to make one final plea. "Please, Jasper." Before sliding the mask back into place and closing my eyes, concentration etched on my features as I heard Jasper speak into his phone.

"Jake, whatever you are doing, stop right now, Edward wants to see you."

A/N I want to send a special shout out to Stolenxsanity and her family. She is in the hospital, so I would appreciate all my lovely readers to send out their best wishes to her and her family.

We Miss you bb, get well soon! Love ya lots. 3