Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.

Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.

Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.

Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.

This fic will be updated weekly, unless something goes wrong lol.

Here is a very special one off (for now) treat for my lovely reviews. An extra chapter thrown in the middle of my updating schedule, you can thank Famingo and gaaraforver12 for reviews that made my year as well as all my other loyal reviews. You are all so friggin awesome. So enjoy this special treat chapter :D

Okay on with the story.

Discoveries

EPOV

"Edward, are you up yet?" Alice's voice echoed through my ears as my mind made its way to consciousness. I had not slept so well the night before after our Scrabble game finished and Alice and Jasper left for the night, but today I was going home. Carlisle was due to come and give me one final check up at nine, then I could bust out of this place.

"Yes, Alice, I'm awake." I sat up and rubbed my eyes, yawning. "What time is it?"

"Eight thirty. Carlisle will be here in half an hour. Do you want to get showered and dressed before he gets here?"

"Yeah. Alice, do you have..." I stopped talking when she handed me a mega cup of coffee, just what I had been about to ask for, "You know me too well, woman child," I chuckled as she slapped me gently on the arm.

"You know I hate it when you call me that," she laughed. Alice was not fond of that title, and I was the only one that actually got away with calling her that. Emmett tried it out after hearing me say it and was swiftly and brutally smacked upside the back of his head. The sound alone had been frightening; suffice it to say, he never called her that again.

"What time is your appointment with Esme?" Alice's voice was just a whisper as she asked about my therapy session.

"Two." I knew Alice would want more information, but I couldn't give her any. I was still reeling enough from my latest revelations, that forming a coherent thought about any of it was impossible. My first erection in five years was a big deal, but who gave it to me was an even bigger deal. Sure I had managed to get semi hard over the years, but never fully, and never ever so full of lust that it made me rock fucking hard.

After the abuse I suffered from Sam- the mental torture, the brutal beatings and the forced sex; every time my dick even thought about getting hard, I would get flashbacks. My hard-on was a casualty of war so to speak, my sex drive all but gone. I missed sex, a lot, but my body and brain would battle it out, and my brain always won. Yesterday, however, my body took back firm control, and even though it didn't last long, it had happened.

My body used to betray me a lot when I was with Sam. He would decide we were having sex whenever he wanted it, even if I wasn't in the mood or didn't feel like it. The worst times were straight after a beating; he would hold me and apologize for what he had done, and then start kissing and touching me. My mind revolted, but my dick always got hard and he took that as an okay, regardless of whether it actually was or not. The only thing I could be grateful for was the fact that he always prepared me first; he never just rammed it in, even though he had threatened to do so often.

Yes, I know that is a weird thing to be grateful for, but Sam could have so easily just taken me without thought; I personally think it was more for himself than anything else. It seemed that even thought he was rough, he didn't consider it rape if he took the time to take care of me beforehand and afterward. He always prepared me thoroughly before and would wash me down with a warm cloth afterwards, gushing to me about how much he loved me and how he took great care with me in our intimate moments.

I had one word for him. Asshole.

Carlisle came in and gave me the all clear, making me promise to contact him if I needed anything. Alice took me back to my place and stayed with me, making me lunch and setting out clothes for me when it was time to get ready for my appointment with Esme. We chatted about nothing in particular and just enjoyed each other's company. It was nice, though I could tell Alice was just itching to talk about Jake.

At one thirty, we made our way to the centre in relative silence, my mind swirling with too many thoughts to carry on a conversation. The walk to Esme's office was mechanical; I could have made this trek in my sleep. Alice grabbed my hand at the door and spun me to look at her.

"Do you want me to wait for you here, or do you want to call me when you're done?"

"I'll call you when I'm done, I don't know how long I will be in there. Esme cancelled all her afternoon appointments so she could just concentrate on me today," I sighed softly. Esme was so considerate, and since I actually called in for an emergency appointment, which I hadn't done in a few years, she was quiet anxious about this herself. She would have set aside the whole day for me if she didn't have a couple of new clients in that morning who really couldn't wait.

Three weeks after I'd left Sam, I was feeling physically better, able to move around more, but still needed to be hospitalized for another week. It was a Thursday, and Alice had brought her mother in to see me a few days prior.

Esme began telling me about her past, her life before she met Carlisle, her husband and my doctor.

"All my life I was told a good girl marries and takes care of her husband. My parents had a good marriage, and my father was a kind man, so I was ill prepared for what men could truly be like. My first husband, whom I married when I was just seventeen, was a brutal man and beat me constantly. It wasn't until I fell pregnant at the age of nineteen that I knew I had to get out. I, of course, was too late, and he beat me senseless when he discovered me packing my bags to leave. I lost the baby and spiraled into a deep depression. I tried to kill myself." She sighed softly as a few tears escaped her, then a beautiful smile took over her face.

"I met Carlisle when I was twenty one when I was rushed to the hospital by my mother after another suicide attempt. Carlisle was a lowly intern back then and was assigned to my case. Over time he gained my confidence and we talked. He got me the counseling I needed, and we fell in love." I reached up and wiped my eyes. If she could make it through that and find love at the end, maybe there was hope for me yet.

I began seeing Esme four times a week.

Alice pulled me out of my thoughts by pulling me into a hug, telling me she would be waiting for my call, and the look she gave me let me know that if I didn't call, there would be hell to pay for it later. After kissing her on the cheek and promising I would call, she left and I made my way into the waiting room. Tanya, Esme's receptionist, was missing from her usual spot, so I just went straight to Esme's door and knocked.

"Come on in Edward." She called out. I open the door, taking a deep breath before walking in. Esme is all smiles as she tells me to take a seat.

"So Edward, tell me what's been going on." I smiled slightly and shook my head, trying to put my thoughts into some kind of coherent sequence. That just wasn't happening and when I opened my mouth to speak, the first thing that came out was quite mortifying.

"I got an erection yesterday." My face heated up, and I clamped my hand over my mouth. Esme's reaction however was expected. Her eyes lit up as a brilliant smile took over her face.

"A full erection or the usual semi?" I chuckled at her question, more to hide my embarrassment than anything else.

"Full." I ducked my head, trying to hide my face as I felt the heat rush up my neck to my cheeks.

"That's fantastic news, Edward." I peeked up at Esme and saw the excitement for me written all over her face. I really should have a different therapist considering Esme was more like family, and we all know the saying: family shouldn't treat family. I did try to see someone else after we'd become really close, but it hadn't worked out so well and actually sent my recovery backwards, so I stayed with Esme and we treated my session more like informal chats than therapy, though all the fundamentals where there.

"Well..." Now comes the hard part, I thought, shaking my head. "That's the good news, the bad news is who gave it to me," I sighed. For the love of God I was sure sighing a lot lately. That and my natural reaction to shrink into myself and flinch where my biggest hurdles to overcome.

"Tell me all about it Edward," Esme said as she learned back into her chair to get herself comfortable.

"It was Jake."

"What is wrong with it being Jake?" Esme was perplexed as to why my being attracted to him was a bad thing. Jake was a good guy and the Cullen's loved him. Esme absolutely adored him and treated him like a son.

"Well, remember how I told you that I couldn't be around Jake and didn't want to meet him? The reason for that was because he is the spitting image of Sam. We found out yesterday, after my little revelation to Jasper, that Sam is Jake's cousin." Esme gasped and had to take a few breaths to calm herself.

"Sam? The man that hurt you, is Sam Uley?" I nodded and dropped my head.

"Edward, I had no idea, it all makes perfect sense now; you not wanting to meet Jake or be around him, and now he is the one that... Oh Edward." She leaned forward and reached her hand over, placing it on my knee and rubbing gently. I flinched back slightly before I slowly relaxed into her touch. Esme was used to the flinching and just waited for me to get past it, never moving her hand. She had become very efficient at hiding the look of hurt that crossed her features every time it happened. I could always see it, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't overcome it.

I had actually gotten quite good at hiding the flinch too, not many people realized I did it. It was barely noticeable when it happened, but it really bothered me that it happened at all.

"You know, this might not be the nightmare you think it is." I started to argue, but she just shushed me. "Let me finish, Edward." I huffed and sat back, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Fine."

"Edward, just listen. Jake's resemblance to Sam could be just the thing you need to work through your last few issues. You have been too afraid to confront Sam, and you know as well as I do, it is what some people need to fully recover. Have you ever thought that with Jake's help you could become desensitized to Sam's physical appearance? Spending time with Jake and getting comfortable around him could be the stepping stone you need to fully come to terms with Sam and put him behind you once and for all."

My mouth opened and then slammed shut again as her words registered in my chaotic mind. Maybe she was right, maybe, just maybe, I could do this. Spend time with Jacob and face my Sam issues once and for all. If I could get comfortable in Jake's presence, I could really be comfortable with anybody. Jake was bigger than Sam, taller, but he seemed so much more gentle.

The problem was Sam had been gentle in the beginning and look how that turned out. What if it was a family trait? What if Jake had everyone else fooled and he was just the same as his cousin? I opened my mouth to speak but Esme held up her hand.

"I know exactly what is going through that head of yours Edward and you couldn't be more wrong. Jake is nothing like his cousin. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting Sam Uley. He is not a nice man at all. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on him, even before he spoke." Esme sat back, a tear slipped from her eye as she continued. "I just wish I had known. I met him during the time frame you were with him, Edward. It's so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that you were being..." She couldn't finish, but I understood, it was a sentiment relayed a lot since everyone found out Sam was in fact Sam Uley.

"Esme, you didn't know until twenty minutes ago. You have nothing to blame yourself for. Everyone is feeling that way, including Jake, but tell me; how do you stop something when you have no idea it's going on in the first place?" I knew logically Esme understood what I was saying, but as usual, her personal feelings for me clouded her judgment.

Esme was a truly talented therapist and I never would have gotten as far as I had without her, but sometimes she treated me more like a son and her reactions were too maternal. She understood this of course, we both did, hence the switching of therapists, but in the end, maternal feelings and all, Esme had been the best option for me. Personally I believe it was because she treated me like a son. I missed my own mother so much, and Esme filled that void somewhat.

"Okay, so back to the topic at hand." Esme cleared her throat and continued. "What do you think about spending some time with Jacob? We could even start here in therapy if you like."

"I'm not sure yet. I need to think about it, maybe discuss it with Jasper and Alice some. If I decide to follow through with it, I think it would be best to have them with me." I thought I knew what was coming even before the words left her lips. I was sure she was going to get on me about my dependency on Alice and Jasper, but again she surprised me.

"I think that might be the best option for both you and Jake, and I really do think this would be very helpful for you, Edward. Maybe if you get through this and befriend Jake, you may even one day be able to confront Sam." My breathing picked up at that thought; there was no way I could ever confront Sam.

"I...there is...I couldn't."

"It's okay, Edward, it's not something we need to talk about right now, but we will have to talk about it eventually." I nodded and looked at the clock on the wall. It was already five. I had been there for three hours. No wonder I felt completely exhausted. Esme looked at me knowingly and nodded her head.

"We made a lot of progress today Edward, considering. Talk to Jasper and Alice tonight and think really hard about getting to know Jake, I truly believe it is the way to go. It will help your progress immensely."

"I will Esme, I promise." I got up from the couch and stretched. Esme got up and took a few steps to reach me before throwing her arms around me.

"You did great today, Edward. I'm really proud of you." She pulled back and kissed me on the cheek. "Don't forget dinner on Sunday." I smirked at her; the ease at which she could jump from therapist to mom these days was amazing to me.

I walked to the door, and just as my hand reached the door handle, she called me.

"Edward, one more thing." I turned to face her with a questioning look.

"What is it, mom?" We both gasped at my designation; I had been so caught up in my thoughts of my mother and Esme's maternal feelings towards me that it slipped out. Esme had a small smile on her face, and her eye's lit up with love. She rushed over and reached out for me, pulling me into her again. I wrapped my arms around her and let the contentment wash over me. She really did feel like home, and my list of people I absolutely trusted just recruited another member.

"Oh, Edward." She breathed out as she released me, her smile now taking over her face. I could see it in her eye's without her having to say anything. She loved that I called her mom and wanted it to continue, but would never push me.

I decided to just let it drop then and there and find out what she had stopped me for.

"What was the one more thing?" I asked smiling back at her.

"Oh, right." She looked flustered for a second. "Edward, do you realize that when I hugged you before you turned to leave you didn't flinch, and when I hugged you again just now, again no flinching?" I could feel the look of surprise my face took on. My mouth dropped open as I thought back a few minutes ago and just seconds ago. She was right, I hadn't flinched, not even a twitch.

"I don't know what to say, I just...wow." I was so articulate today; I rolled my eyes internally at myself.

"I'm proud of you sweetheart." I smiled at her and turned again to leave, stopping for a second before adding, "I'm pretty proud of me too."

I threw a quick goodbye over my shoulder as I pulled my phone out of my pocket to call Alice. Turned out I didn't need to bother, as she was perched up on Tanya's desk chatting away, hands flying around as she spoke. I chuckled to myself as I walked up to them.

"Hey, Edward," Tanya greeted me in her usual friendly manner.

"Hi," I replied barely making eye contact with her. Tanya was a flirt, and even though I knew she didn't mean anything by it, and she flirted with Jasper as well, it still made me very uncomfortable. I was used to both women and men flirting with me, it was a common occurrence for me. Alice told me it was because my eyes were so green and my hair looked like I had just being thoroughly fucked. It usually didn't bother me too much, but with Tanya it felt wrong. I felt naked whenever she would look at me the way she did. Alice, being her usual observant self, recognized my discomfort and chimed in.

"Hey, Edward, ready to go?" I smiled at her and threw my arm around her shoulder when she jumped down off the counter.

"Sure, let's blow this joint. Want to stop and pick up some food on the way? We can eat at my place. Call Jasper, I have stuff I need to discuss with you both." Alice's eyes lit up as she smiled at me.

"That would be great, let me call Jasper and see what he feels like." Alice pulled out her phone and called Jasper, giving him the details of what we would be doing and told him we would be having Indian food. So much for asking what he wanted. I chuckled at her antics as we got into the car.

An hour later, as we walked in my front door, Jasper was already waiting for us with the table set.

"What took you two so long, I'm starving," Jasper grumbled as he got up and grabbed the bags from Alice. "Hey this doesn't smell like Indian food."

"It's not, Alice changed her mind four times before she decided on Thai." Jasper laughed as I tried hard to keep mine to in. Lucky for Jasper, Alice was in a good mood knowing I was going to share what I had discussed with Esme with her, that she just ignored it completely.

"Okay, let's eat, so we can get to the talking part." Alice said, causing Jasper to shoot her an amused look and then focus on me, raising an eyebrow in question.

"In my session with Esme, she brought up an interesting point and I wanted to discuss it with the two of you to see what you thought about it. It can wait till we finish eating and get settled." I replied. Alice pouted and Jasper nodded.

"Okay then, let's eat." He smiled at me as he spoke.

Fifteen minutes later I was still trying to eat as Alice was clearing the food and plates away. She was eager, I was nervous and Jasper was trying to act indifferent, but the curiosity burnt brightly behind his eyes.

"Alice, can I at least finish my dinner?" The amusement was clear in my voice, causing Jasper to chuckle.

"You're done right? So get into the lounge and I will bring in a couple of beers so we can get down to business." With that she seized my plate and dashed into the kitchen.

"I guess we are done," Jasper said as he got up to leave the room. "Coming?" he called as he turned his back to me and walked away from the table.

"Sure," I mumbled. The nerves were starting to really build up as the reality of what I needed to do dawned on me. Esme was right, Jacob could really be a help in my recovery just by his appearance alone. His similarities to Sam where glaringly obvious to anyone who saw them together, but if everyone else was right, if this gut feeling I had about him was right, he could be just what I need to push forward.

Stepping into the lounge room, I took a seat on the sofa, curling up into the end, tucking my legs under me and resting my head on my hands against the back of the couch. Alice joined us, handing Jasper and I each a beer before taking a seat next to me and taking a swig of her own bottle.

"Okay, let's get to it," Alice said. She was so eager.

"Well, first off, let me start by saying that Esme hugged me twice, and both times I didn't flinch." I smiled smugly as I watched their faces change from curiosity to excitement. Alice got up and jumped on me, throwing her arms around my neck.

"I'm so proud of you, Edward." I chuckled at her antics.

"That's what Esme said, but she called me sweetheart," I teased and Alice pouted.

"I may have accidentally called her mom too," I added in more of a mumble. Alice shrieked and hugged me tighter.

"Oh my God, Edward, that must have made her decade," Alice added giggling.

"I think it did," I smiled.

"How did it make you feel though, Edward?" Jasper asked.

"Surprisingly, it felt...um...natural?" It sounded more like a question. I was still unsure about how it had happened, but it really had felt natural. I liked it."

"Well you know you are going to have to call her that all the time now, right?" Alice said with a smug smile of her own.

"I didn't think about that, I guess it would be okay though, especially if it makes Esme happy," I sighed, feeling really rather content.

"Is that all you needed to talk about?" Alice asked, the look on her face told me she knew there was more.

"Well, no I think that was it," I chuckled as Alice gave me a look of mortification before correcting herself and punching me lightly in the arm.

"Come on Edward, out with the good stuff," she pouted again.

"Fine, fine, there is one more thing I actually needed to run by you both. Esme thinks it might be a good idea if I got to know Jake, and...well...you know...become friends." I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "She thinks that getting comfortable in Jake's presence will help me fully recover and be able to put Sam behind me once and for all."

Alice and Jasper both nodded their heads at the same time, Alice got off of me and went to sit on Jasper lap, they had one of their silent conversations and then she turned to me and said, "I think that would be a great idea, Edward. How do you want us to help?"

The rest of the night was spent talking about arrangements for Jake to come over for dinners and game nights. Things that I would normally do with just Alice and Jasper, would now become foursomes and as much as the idea made my mind whirl with fear. My body was really liking the idea of Jake being around more often.

After saying goodnight to Alice and Jasper, I locked up and started in on my usual bedtime routine. My mind was still in direct opposition with my body, and as I was brushing my teeth a stray thought hit me. What if it wasn't Jacob I was attracted to at all? What if it was just his resemblance to the man I once loved? A man that, deep down, I still did love, despite my hatred for him.

I shook my head violently, sending toothpaste spit all over the bathroom sink, mirror, and of course, my face. What was I thinking? I couldn't still love Sam after everything I had gone through;, I hated him, that much I was sure of.

I finished up my routine quickly, keeping my mind as blank as possible; more fodder for Esme to help me dig through later.

Crawling into bed I snuggled up under my quilt and closed my eyes, and everything came rushing back. Sam, the love we shared, his kindness and compassion. Suddenly there was blood and pain and disgust in myself for staying with him for so long. My mind ticked over; love, hate, what a fine line between the two.

I bolted up right as I realized the one truth in this whole mess. If I didn't still have feelings for Sam, if there wasn't something there, buried deep inside, then the only thing I would feel towards Sam, besides the fear, would be indifference.

Love and hate are equally strong emotions and often times straddle a fine line, usually there is love buried underneath the extreme hatred of someone you once adored.

Indifference was the place I needed to find.