Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.

Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.

Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.

Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.

This fic will be updated weekly, unless something goes wrong lol.

Okay on with the story.

Love/Hate

EPOV

Waking up Monday morning, I was still exhausted. I wanted to sleep for the rest of the week, but I had appointments to keep. My weekend had been one of the worst ones since my recovery, and after my revelations about love and hate, I was striving for indifference and failing to get there.

How could I even think of moving on when I couldn't get past Sam? This was why I had never been able to date anyone; this was why I would never be able to build a new relationship. I couldn't find indifference. I compared everyone to Sam; a simple gesture, a walk, the way he would sway his hips when he walked.

I spent the rest of my week working as much as possible, and any free time I had was spent with Alice and Jasper. When I was alone, my thoughts were consumed with Sam. I was going through every part of our relationship, from the happy times, till the moment I walked out the door, dissecting every little thing and finding the similarities I had pushed upon other people. I came to one conclusion at the end of the week.

I was still in love with Sam Uley.

That acknowledgement alone sent me straight to the bathroom to throw up. Once I was done ridding my stomach of its contents, I headed straight to Esme. It was four in the afternoon and I was shaking, sweating and probably looked green. I knocked on her office door, noticing again that Tanya wasn't at her desk. Did that woman ever do her job?

Esme pulled her door open, took one look at me and pulled me into her office, shutting the door behind her.

"Edward, what happened? You look awful, sweetheart." She ran her hand through my hair and tried to smile, but the worry was evident on her face.

"Ever since we had our session about Jacob and talked about me getting to know him," I paused, taking a deep breath and then continued on with a shaky voice. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about Sam. I came to the conclusion that I still love him about ten minutes ago and threw up. I don't know what to do, Esme." This was getting to be too much. I was a fully grown twenty seven year old man, who behaved like a scared little boy too much lately. I really hadn't been this bad for years now, and it was all coming back to me. I felt like that lost teenager all over again.

Much to my surprise, Esme smiled and reached out for my hand. "Edward, finally," she breathed out. I must have looked as confused as I felt, until I realized what she was getting at. It was the basics of therapy, I had told this to all my patients, but never fully understood what it was about since I never thought it applied to me at all.

"Before we truly heal, we must take responsibility for the love we have for the person that hurt us. The fact that we love them still, after all they have done to us, doesn't mean we want to be with them or relive any of the abuse. It just means we are human. Love is not something that can be turned off, and when we turn that emotion to hate, we just bury what we are really feeling, and thus instead of releasing the love we felt, it stays buried and festers until it is triggered and comes pushing to the surface like a volcano. You, my dear boy, just erupted." I felt the tears stream down my face as I listened to Esme's monologue, and I actually realized what this meant. This was a huge step in my healing, and it was okay. I knew this already as a counselor, but when it was your life, when you were actually living through it, it was totally different.

I took a deep breath and smiled slightly at her. She was right; I had to own the feelings before I could let them go. I could find my indifference and Jake could help. The thought of Jake brought up other questions for me.

"Esme, do you think that I might be transferring my feelings for Sam onto Jake? Because of the similarity in looks? I mean, could that explain why I'm attracted to Jake physically?" I could feel my eyebrows furrow as I asked her one of the questions that had been plaguing me since my revelation.

"It very well could be, but you know as well as I do that you won't know that for sure until you actually get to know him. Speaking of Jake..." She let the sentence trail off with a quirk of her brow.

"He is going over to Jasper and Alice's house for dinner, and I will be joining them." I tried to sound nonchalant but didn't quite pull it off, my nerves getting the better of me.

"That's good news, sweetheart. I'm glad to hear it. Remember, I'm always here if you need me, day or night." She smiled softly and took my hand in hers, stroking it gently.

"Thanks, mom." I flushed. It was only the second time I had called her mom, but it just felt right and nice. Thoughts of my own mother came to mind. She really would have loved Esme, both of them shared so many good qualities.

"I love you, Edward, so very much, and it makes my heart swell that you finally feel comfortable enough to call me mom." Her smile was wide and bright, her eyes misting over.

"I love you too; you really are a lot like my mom. I can't say I will call you mom all the time, but when it feels right..." I drifted off, not sure how to finish.

"I understand. Besides, it's not the words that matter, it's the thought behind them."

"Thanks," I sighed as I looked at the clock on the wall. It was five thirty, and I had to be at Alice and Jasper's place by six. "I have to go, I'm running late for dinner. I will call you later." Standing up I reached for Esme and pulled her to me, hugging her tightly before placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "Love you."

"Love you too, Edward," she replied as I made my way to the door.

Even with everything weighing down on me, I left with a slight skip in my step. I had been so busy working to overcome my fear, to learn how to function around people, that the thought of working through the love/hate I held for Sam didn't even enter my mind. I felt like a really shitty counselor at that moment. Even though I taught this to my patients all the time, I had failed to see it in myself. Learning to let go of past feelings and forgive is a huge step, one I never took for myself. Now it was time.

I drove home, showered and changed. Walking out the door I headed to Alice and Jasper's place, well, I took the elevator up one floor since they lived in the same building on the floor above me. I did everything on autopilot, my mind too occupied to think clearly. Sam and Jacob were consuming my thoughts, the idea that Jake was a safe substitute for Sam the most constant.

Even when I was terrified, Sam could make me hard, much to my disgust, but he hadn't been able to get me hard with just his presence since the first time we met. Jacob, it seemed, could, but so far that was a one time thing, so I couldn't just go by that. Maybe this was all connected and what I was thinking could very well be true. Jake could just be a substitute for Sam, and my body reacting was just its way of trying to force my mind to deal with all the issues I had with him.

Arg. This was all just too fucking much for one day. I needed to relax with my friends have a few beers and shoot the shit.

Then I remember that Jacob would be there and wondered if I could relax at all with him around. Maybe a few beers would get me through the night. I hoped I could last and not run scared.

I reached down and pulled the key to their apartment from my pocket and unlocked the door, before closing it quietly behind me.

"Alice, Jasper?" I called out.

"In here." Alice answered, her voice letting me know she was in the kitchen. I made my way to her.

"What's cooking good looking?" I chuckled as I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her in for a hug.

"All your favorites, Edward. Steak- rare, potato bake, green salad with Danish Feta- not Greek, and hot dinner rolls." I smiled at her and kissed her cheek.

"Thanks, Alice, that's just what I need, comfort food." Her hand reached up to trace my cheek as a small frown took its place on her lips.

"What happened, Edward? Do you need me to cancel Jake for tonight?" I smiled lightly at her. Alice was so good to me.

"No, it's nothing, just had an impromptus session with Esme after a rather startling realization today. I will talk to you about it later, woman child." Chuckling I moved away from her quickly before she could swat me.

Just then we heard the door open and Jasper's voice call out.

"We're here. Where's the food, woman? We are two very hungry men coming in from saving the city. Feed us." I heard Jacob's laughter echo lightly off the walls before they both came into view. Alice and I were laughing at Jasper's antics.

"You're in a good mood tonight, cowboy," Alice said as Jasper reached down to pick her up and swing her in his arms before placing a kiss on her lips and putting her back down.

I always loved how these two interacted. There were never big grand displays of affection; it was always the little things they did constantly. They were in love, it was everything that I one day hoped to have. They were my role models for a relationship. I wanted what they had. I felt a wishful sigh leave me as I turned to head towards the table and ran smack bang into Jake's chest.

I stumbled backwards, but before I could fall I felt his strong arms wrap around my waist and pull me towards him. Two things happened simultaneously at that point. First, my dick got hard; secondly, I started to shake violently in his arms. I glanced up briefly before dropping my eyes again, Sam's face flashing before my eyes.

"No, let me go. Don't fucking touch me, Sam," I screamed out. Jasper was next to me in seconds, grabbing me from Jacob and taking me from the room. I had two warring emotions fighting for dominance. First, and most common, was fear, but the second one was the one that threw me for a loop, I was angry. I was so damn angry I wanted to kick Sam's ass. As that realization washed over me I froze in Jasper's arms, and all tremors ceased.

"I want to kick his ass so bad." The words left me in a whisper, but they weren't meant for Jasper, I just wanted to say them out loud, to feel them roll off my tongue. All the things I had thought about Sam over the years, never once did I say I wanted to physically hurt him. I was stunned.

"You're not the only one, get in line," Jasper mumbled so low I barely heard it. We both knew who we were referring to: Sam. Just hearing him say that broke something inside me and I started to laugh. It was an almost hysterical laugh that ripped through me, causing Jasper to release his hold on me and just stare.

Then, without warning, he joined in, causing Alice and Jake to come and investigate what was going on.

Oh god, Jake, I called him Sam. The laughter died in my throat as I looked up at him, holding his gaze, forcing myself to not look away. The residual anger in me helped boost my confidence.

I stared back at Jake, his eyes showing all kinds of emotions, from sorrow, to compassion and anger, and I became lost in the swirl of the rich chocolate brown orbs before I felt two other sets of eyes on me.

I dropped my head into my hands and cleared my throat.

"Umm, sorry about that, it's just been a rough week, and well... Oh fuck it, never mind. Can we just go eat?"

"Sure, sure." Jacob's rich tones filled my ears, and for the second time that night, and the third time in years, I got hard again, causing me to both laugh and cry at the same time.

I laughed because it was at this point that I realized one thing with complete certainty: it was indeed Jacob that I was attracted too. It was all him. It had nothing to do with Sam since his voice was so completely different from his cousins, and as I wasn't looking at him when he said that, I knew Jake's voice alone could get me hard.

I cried for exactly the same reason. Fuck. My. Life.

Jasper pulled me up and led me to the table, seating me between him and Alice, with Jacob across the other side of the table. As we ate, the conflicts in my mind increased and my hard- on never let up. A part of me, a rather big part, wanted to take Jacob into the bedroom so he could fix the problem he'd started, and that thought alone made me cringe.

It was all too much. Getting to know Jacob throughout the dinner was heartbreaking, he was everything everyone said he was; kind, compassionate and gentle.

My mind flashed back to the way he held me after he caught me. His arms were relaxed, but strong, never putting too much pressure on me, holding me like I was precious. Of course, at the time, my mind only focused on the fact that he had touched me, and the visions of Sam flashing before me sent me into overload.

It was easy to see how caring and loving this man truly was. He may be related to Sam by blood, but it was clear that was as far as it went. His whole demeanor was different; the way he looked at me, the way he treated people in general. All the stories Jasper told me about him came rushing back; his compassion for the people he helped, the way he took their losses personally, everything.

Logically, I knew all this, I could process all this information and appreciate it, even admire it, but in the end when I looked up at his face, all I saw was Sam. That was the hurdle I needed to jump, to see Jake as his own person and not just see Sam reflected back at me.

I was brought out of my thoughts by Jake's voice. "Edward, how was work this week?" It was the first direct question he had asked me. We had instead been talking through Jasper and Alice, which was strange, but comfortable.

I cleared my throat and actually looked at him instead of sneaking peaks at him out of the corner of my eye. "Fine, umm...it was fine thanks, how about yours?" He smiled softly at me, his eyes shining brightly.

"Was a good week," he said and added more softly, "especially since I had something to look forward to." His eyes never left mine, and I was quite surprised to find that I was smiling back.

I felt a blush crawl up my face and smiled wider before lowering my gaze to my plate. God, no matter how much I wanted to deny it, no matter how much I pushed it away from my mind, I couldn't deny it anymore. Jacob Black was beautiful, in every way.

What this meant for me I had no idea, but after just a few hours in Jacob Black's company, I wanted to get to know him better. I wanted to spend time with him, and I wanted to be his friend.

The hardest part for me to get my head around, the part of me buried so deep I didn't even want to think about it, was the fact that I wanted Jake. My body craved him, while my mind shied away; but I was totally sure that if one day I could reconcile my brain and my body, I would have him.

My head snapped up at the thoughts that were running through my head, I couldn't believe I had just been thinking about having Jacob. My eyes sought out Jasper's, sending him a look to let him know I wanted to talk to him in private.

Jasper knew me better than anybody, even Alice. He could read my moods and my facial expressions as well as I could read his, we had become more like brothers and after years of supporting each other, it was natural, easy. I don't know how many times I had wished that he was gay and that I was attracted to him. It would have made my life so much easier, but there was nothing there but brotherly love.

"Excuse us," Jasper said getting up from the table and indicating for me to follow. I smiled at Alice and Jacob, and followed Jasper into his and Alice's bedroom.

Taking a seat on the bed next to Jasper, I opened my mouth and then slammed it shut again. What was I suppose to say? Hey, Jasper, Jake's hot and I want to bone him, but I'm terrified of him and can't get my head around my new discovery about Sam?

Jasper quirked an eyebrow at me, and I shook my head in response, letting him know silently that I was gathering my thoughts.

"Don't tell me, another hard- on, right?" Jasper chuckled. Great, he was getting way to much pleasure out of my misfortune.

I frowned at him and nodded, causing his whole facial expression to change.

"Oh fuck, Ed, I was just kidding. You have to be shitting me. Really, another one?"

"Don't call me 'Ed', damn it," I scowled.

"Sorry, bud, you just took me by surprise, that's all."

"Jazz, I really don't know what to do; my mind is so fucked up right now. Not only did I just discover that I still love Sam..." Jasper cut me off quick at that revelation.

"What the fuck, Edward? How the hell could you still love that son of a bitch?"

"I really never stopped, Jazz. I just buried it really deep, covering it with hate. It's a good thing I worked it out;, it's a key step in my recovery. Once I can deal with this and move past it, I will have a real shot at truly loving someone else and building a life for myself," I sighed heavily, then continued on telling about everything I had discussed with Esme.

While I was filling him in, Jasper's face changed expressions multiple times, and when I got to the part about substituting Jacob for Sam, he literally scoffed.

"The only thing those two have in common are features, Edward. Jacob couldn't be more different from Sam. Besides, he's much better looking too." I raised an eyebrow at him then.

"Been checking him out long, have we, Jazz? Do I have some competition?" Jasper threw me a look and chuckled.

"Competition, Edward, really? So you like Jake then I take it?" It occurred to me what I had just said, and I wanted to wipe that smug smile off his damn face.

"Jasper," I whined. Yes I was a twenty-seven year old man whining. "I didn't mean to say that at all. I have no idea what's going on lately. I need to figure this shit out, seriously. What the hell am I suppose to do?"

"Do what your heart tells you to do, Edward." I made a sort of psh sound at him.

"I did that once before and look what happened." He frowned at me, eyebrows furrowed.

"Edward, Sam treated you horribly, the things he did are inexcusable, but not every man is like that. I think the biggest conflict you are having right now is that you like Jake, a lot more than you are willing to accept. Am I wrong?"

"Fuck!" I spat out, my frustration was evident as my hands ran through my hair and tugged, hard. "Yes, damn it, I really like him, Jazz. The things I think about when he is near me... God, the reason I wanted to talk to you in the first place was because I was sitting at the table thinking about Jacob and Sam and all the revelations I have made, when all of a sudden, I'm thinking about Jake in a very...umm...well...impure way, shall we say."

Jasper threw his head back and laughed, loudly. Son of a bitch.

"It's not funny, Jasper, at all," I spat. "This is my life we are talking about here. Sam is the only real relationship I have had, and the thought of trying another one terrifies me beyond belief. Add in the factor of Jake's resemblance to him, and I'm on the road to panic attack city."

"I don't think you truly grasp the significance of this, Edward. You are totally wanting to date Jake, right?" Damn him and his ability to read me so fucking well.

"Way to get to the point, Jazz. Fine. If I can get past all these issues I have, then yes, I would want to try and have a relationship with him, but friendship would be more plausible," I added at the end, just to ease my own mind.

"That's a huge step right there, Edward. Huge. Just admitting it to yourself is a major step. I'm sure Jake will think so too." He chuckled again as his eyes dance with amusement and pride.

"Fuck no, Jazz. No way are you going to tell him any of this. I need way more time." I jumped up and started pacing. "There is no way I am anywhere near ready to be alone with him, it's hard enough even with you two here." I was getting more and more agitated as I talked. "The flinching, the shaking. Hell, earlier my mind thought he was Sam. No, definitely more time is needed on this one." I took a deep breath to calm myself and sat back down on the bed with a thud.

"I don't think I need to tell him anything, Edward, I think he can figure that shit out on his own. I saw the way you smiled at him, the way your face lit up when he said he had something to look forward to. It was a dead giveaway all by itself."

"Damn stupid observant cops," I muttered, causing Jasper to completely lose it. His laughter was so loud this time that it caused Alice to come running into the room.

"What is going on in here that is so funny?" she questioned, a little smile playing on her lips.

"Jasper is just being a jackass," I replied, getting up and walking out of the room, shaking my head while trying to hide my own laughter. It wasn't until I took my place back at the table that I realized they hadn't followed me.

I was alone at the table with Jacob.

A part of me was thrilled that I was in his presence alone, even though I knew Jasper and Alice were only in the other room. The other part of me was terrified, and I could feel my hands start to tremble.

Jake must have noticed too because he scooted his chair away from the table and sat back as far as he could away from me.

"It's okay, Edward, I won't move from here, and we don't have to talk at all until they get back." He was smiling at me with such compassion shining in his eyes. It was at times like this, when he looked at me that way that I wished that I had met him instead of Sam. I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts and smiled shyly back at him.

"I-it's o-okay, Jake." I cleared my throat. " I'm fine, really." My voice evened out and remained steady.

"Is everything okay now? I was just worried if I had done something to make you leave earlier?" His voice was soft and gentle and his eyes still shone with compassion. It was at that moment that I realized I had been looking at him the whole time. I quickly dropped my eyes to the table, more of a reflex action than anything else, and cursed myself internally when I heard Jake sigh.

I was determined to keep eye contact more than ever now. That sigh was so heartbreaking, and for whatever reason, I really didn't like to be the cause of his pain. I steeled myself and raised my eyes to meet his again.

"Everything is good, Jake, thank you for asking. I just had a few things I needed to get off my chest. I'm sorry for interrupting our dinner, every now and then things build up and I need to get them out before my head explodes, ya know? I have trouble sometimes holding things together, and I really over think things a lot. I don't know why, it's just a part of who I am, but I'm trying to work on it." Oh. My. God. I couldn't believe I just said all that. What the hell was this man doing to me? I must have had a look of mortification on my face because Jake looked concerned while a small smile played on his lips.

I dropped my eyes immediately, trying to hide my face so he couldn't see how truly embarrassed I was. I laughed at myself softly, trying to understand everything that just happened. Not only did I blurt out a whole lot of personal information, but I couldn't even mask my features, something I had become an expert at over the years. When my mask was up, Jasper was the only person who could read me.

"Edward?" His voice was soft and gentle. "Please look at me." My head lifted and my eyes locked on his all on their own. "Are you sitting there over thinking things again?" He chuckled softly. His eyes remained full of compassion, but there was something else there this time; curiosity and, maybe, hope? "I thought your little ramble was adorable." A small blush ran up my neck to my face.

Holy shit, he has me blushing. I looked down for a fraction of a second, and then raised my eyes to meet his again.

"Jacob, what are you doing to me?" I felt a single tear run down my cheek, but before he could answer, Alice and Jasper made their way back into the room.

"Who's up for a game of Scrabble?" Jasper asked while Alice started to clean the table. I nodded my head in his direction and cleared my throat.

"Just give me a minute," I replied.

With one last look at Jacob, I got up and made my way to the bathroom, needing a minute to think.