Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.

Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.

Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.

Thanks to my prereader's VanPireNZ and tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.

Okay on with the story.

Fear and loss

EPOV

After my night with Jacob, my week dragged on. Dreams were plaguing me again, but this time they weren't nightmares, they were all of Jacob. He was sweet, kind and loving; and always taking great care with me. I could tell my feelings for him grew every time I had another dream, or another phone conversation with him. He always asked how I was feeling or what I wanted to talk about.

By Friday I was all but ready to burst, my need to see him increased everyday till it was too much to bear. Even with all the phone conversations it wasn't enough, I wanted to see his face, to remind myself of his kind eyes and beautiful smile. I decided that I would take half a day off and go visit Jake and Jasper at the station, bringing some food with me as an excuse. Not that I needed one, Jake and Jasper both told me I was welcome to visit anytime.

My head was swirling with images of my dark beauty as I drove over to the station, the smile never leaving my face. I made my way from the car to the entrance and walked in, my eyes scanning the room for my boys. The last thing I ever expected happened when my eyes locked on Sam's, he screamed something and was lunging for me, I tried to move but my feet were firmly glued to the ground. My body started to convulse and my head started to spin, before another thought could enter my head I felt myself falling as blackness clouded my vision, as I was losing all awareness I felt two arms wrap around me and I knew it was my Jake. A small smile graced my lips before I was out.

The sound of angry voices entered my consciousness as I tried to force my eyes open. I could hear people arguing. It felt like I was in someone's arms, and we were moving. I must have made a sound because the voice's stopped and someone asked; "Edward, oh God, Edward are you okay?"

My Jake. I would know that voice anywhere.

"Yes, Edward, it's me, your Jake." I could hear the smile in his voice as it registered in my mind that I had spoken out loud. My eyes fluttered open and I looked up into those chocolate brown eyes, so full of emotion, and smiled.

"What happened?" I was at a loss as to why I was in Jake's arms, being carried to God knows where; or why he and Jasper sounded so damn angry. I knew I was missing something, it was right there, but for some reason I just couldn't grasp the memory.

"Stay back," Jasper growled, his voice full of fury. I had never heard Jasper that upset, and it causing a shiver to rock through me. Who was he talking to? That's when I heard his voice. Sam. No. The memories came flooding back; my euphoria about seeing Jake, my eyes locking onto Sam's. Darkness. I looked up at Jake and whimpered.

"Please Jake," I whispered. "Get me out of here. Please, don't let him near me." My worst nightmare was coming true, he had found me; or more so, I had walked right in on him. My hands locked themselves into Jacob's shirt.

"Fuck you, he is my boyfriend. Why the hell is he calling Jake his, huh? How long have you been hiding him from me? I will kill you Jake; get your filthy hands off of him." Sam's voice was rough and angry. I knew that voice well; he was drunk and ready to explode. Memories of hearing that voice and what had followed flooded my mind causing my body to shake uncontrollably. I couldn't make sense of anything, and when Jake went to put me down I completely panicked.

"No! No, please no, Jake, don't let me go," I screamed, my head thrashing back and forth and my hands clinging tighter to him. "Don't let him anywhere near me, Jake, get that monster away from me." I heard a gasping sound from behind me.

"Monster? No baby it's me, Sam, I love you so much, baby. I've been so lost since you left. Come home, please?" I felt the bile rise in my throat and turned my head to the side, expelling the content of my stomach. Thoughts swirled in my mind, home. No, he was not my home. He was my living nightmare. Jake's arms tightened protectively around me, a small growl rumbled through his chest. The vibrations caused a warm feeling to flood through me and as I sighed, one thought dominated my mind.

"I am home." The words left my mouth like a prayer as I clung tighter to Jacob, just the feel of him gave me the courage to take a look at our surroundings. I looked up for the first time and saw Sam standing there, mouth agape as he took in my words. His mouth slammed shut with audible force as he charged towards us. I buried my head in Jake's chest and screamed waiting for impact, as Jake spun us around, using his body to take the force of the blow.

A blow that never came.

A scuffling sound and then a loud thwack, caused Jake to spin back around and I looked down slightly, spotting Jasper with his knee in Sam's back who had his hands pulled behind him as Jasper placed the cuffs on.

"Sam Uley, you are under arrest for assaulting a police officer. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand these rights I have given you?" Jasper's voice was strained and that's when I noticed a trickle of blood rolling down his chin from the corner of his mouth.

"Jake, get Edward home, while I deal with this," Jasper continued, before pulling Sam to his feet and leading him back inside the station. It was only then I realized we were in the parking lot. Jake nodded his head in acquisition, though his eyes were burning with anger, which quickly dissolved when he looked at me.

"This isn't over Jake, not by a long shot. I will get my Edward back, you can count on that," Sam sneered as Jasper dragged him away. Jake's stepped faltered, his eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared.

"More important than anything else," Jake mumbled as he started walking towards his car, his hands tightening around me. Exhaustion washed over me and as my eyes fluttered close, I noticed that Jake had my vomit on his shirt. I muttered out a very weak "sorry" before I passed out.

I woke up tucked neatly into my bed. My hair was slightly damp, and I was in my pajamas. Rising into a sitting position, my head started to spin as pain shot through it. Just what I needed, a headache.

I glanced over at the clock and was a little stunned to see it was already six o'clock at night; my room was dark except for a light shining underneath my bedroom door. I remembered going to see Jake and Jasper, running into Sam and Jasper arresting him after he hit Jasper. I remembered throwing up all over Jacob, and my last memory before it all went black was of me apologising to him for it, and then, nothing.

Reaching up and running my fingers through my hair, I realized I must have gotten vomit on more places than Jacob. Jasper must have washed me off and changed me. "Jasper?" I called out, throwing my legs over the side of the bed and getting up while clutching my head. "Jasper?" I said a little louder before adding, "Can you get me something for my headache?"

There was a slight tap at my door before it opened, and Jacob was standing there with a glass of water in one hand, some pain killers in the other and a tight smile on his lips.

"Here ya go, Edward. Jasper is still at the station, he called about ten minutes ago saying he was just finishing up the last of the paperwork and would be here soon," Jacob said. If Jasper was still at the station... I looked down at myself and then back to Jacob; his hair was also damp and he was wearing different clothes that looked a little snug on him and awfully familiar.

"Jacob, what are you wearing?" He flushed slightly.

"Oh, well, I was kinda covered in vomit. Alice lent me some clothes that Em had left in her apartment the last time he visited. Jasper is gonna stop by my place on the way over to grab me some clothes."

"Did, I mean, um, did Alice wash me and change me?" I asked, my face heating up at the thought of her seeing me naked. Jacob cleared his throat and looked down.

"Well, she, um, she didn't think you would be comfortable with that so I...geeze...sorry, Edward, but you were covered in puke and smelt really bad. I didn't think it would be a good idea for you to wake up like that. I left your boxers on the whole time, I swear..." he trailed off not knowing where to look. I was stuck between being totally mortified that he had seen me without my clothes on, to totally upset that I wasn't awake to enjoy him washing me down. My dick twitched at that thought, and I blushed even harder.

"Thank you," I whispered as I moved over to him and took the water and pills from him, though I wasn't so sure I needed them anymore. I was feeling rather giddy from having Jake in my apartment, alone. My breathing picked up, and I moved away from him quickly, my hands shaking so much that the water dripped to the floor. The glass slipped through my fingers and shattered on the hardwood.

I was alone with Jacob.

I shook my head hard, trying to clear those thoughts. This was what I wanted, time alone with Jake. Get a grip, Edward; he just saved you from Sam, putting himself in harm's way using his body to protect you. He was defenseless, having me in his arms, and if Jasper hadn't been there, God knows what would have happened. My nightmare flashed through my mind.

"Edward?" His voice was low but strong. "Edward, are you okay? Do you need me to leave?" He asked, his voice taking on a sad tone. Just the sound of it snapped me back to reality, and I made my way across the room to him, throwing my arms around his waist and squeezed him tightly.

"Jacob, please can you stay?" My voice was almost begging in its tone. No matter how much I had issues with Jacob looking like Sam, I had more issues with Sam being here. The fact that he had found me caused me to shudder forcefully.

"I'm here as long as you need me, Edward." He voice was gentle and soft as his arms come around me and held me closer. "I would give my life for you," he mumbled so softly, I was positive I wasn't supposed to hear it. I was beginning to figure out Jake didn't really understand the concept of whispering.

He pulled back from me and looked around before looking back at me, "You know, Edward, it's probably a good idea that we leave your bedroom." I had to laugh at that, which caused him to chuckle and pull me from the room.

"I hope you don't mind, but since you were asleep for a few hours, I decided to take a look around and get acquainted with the place. You know, check the doors and windows, make sure the locks where secure, the usual stuff." He smiled down at me.

"Sam?" I knew he would know what I meant without going into detail. Just as the words left my mouth the front door opened and Jasper walked in, looking a little worse for wear. His bottom lip had a small cut on it, and his jaw line was beginning to bruise. He must have heard my question because he quickly answered as he walked over to join us.

"He will be out on bail tomorrow. It could take months to get him in front of a judge. I stayed late at the station trying to push it through quicker, but with how the system works..." He cut himself off and shook his head before dropping roughly down on the couch. He looked tired. "I'm gonna stay with you, Edward - if that's okay - until he is safely behind bars. The only time I won't be with you is when Jake is." His whole posture changed from Jasper my friend, to Jasper Whitlock, Officer of the Law. "I know this isn't fair on you, and I really don't want to come off as if I'm demanding anything, I just want you safe, Edward."

I swallowed hard at that thought. Safe. I hadn't felt safe in years, not until I discovered my feelings for Jacob Black. The man that looked so similar to the man that frightened me beyond belief. Jacob Black, the man that I was sure would give his life to keep me safe. Jasper was the only other person in the world that made me feel that way - safe. Jasper couldn't do this though, he had Alice to think about, and if anything happened to her because of me… I just couldn't live with that. I knew Sam Uley well; he would go after Alice if it served his purpose.

"Jasper you have to stay with Alice. You can't leave her unprotected; Sam will go after her to get to me. He would see her as the easiest target. Please Jasper, I couldn't..." I cut myself off and buried my face in my hands. "Maybe I should just leave. That way you would all be safe. I could leave..."

"NO!" Jacobs's voice was loud and strong. "You have already given up so much because of him, I won't let you leave the only family you know, Edward, I just won't. Even if that means I have to spend night and day by your side." He smiled a little as he spoke; the thought must be very appealing to him, I knew it was to me.

"I agree with Jake, you are not going anywhere. I… we will fix this, Edward. I already took out a restraining order, so if he even looks in your direction he will be arrested."

"How did you get a restraining order? I never..." My voice dropped off as Jasper looked sheepishly to the floor.

"You know those photos were taken of your injuries when you arrived at the hospital, Edward, it's standard procedure." My mouth dropped open in shock.

"You...what? Jasper..." I whispered, looking up through my lashes at Jake as I blushed. "Have you seen them, Jake?" I didn't know why it bothered me so much. Jake had seen me at my most vulnerable tonight, but the thought of him seeing me so utterly broken... I hadn't even known Jasper had seen them; the lady that took them had been respectful, but I was still terrified of her. It was one of the most humiliating times of my life, having someone document all my injuries. I refused to press charges since I didn't want Sam to find me, but I was more horrified of people seeing those pictures. I had been clad only in my underwear as pictures were taken of my face, torso and upper back. The places that held all my injuries.

"Yes." His eyes met mine, before I dropped my head. At that point in time my mind just stopped working. I had no idea what to say or how to react to that. He had seen me completely beaten by his cousin. Those photo's where awful; my face was barely recognisable. I still carried the scars on my body from him. Oh God. The thought of how Jake washed me flashed through my mind. He would have seen them up close and personal. I felt the humiliations seep through me, and a small sob escaped my lips.

"Oh." I had to get out of there. I couldn't face Jacob right now, and I didn't know if I would be able to face him again at this point. How could he love me? How could anyone? I was damaged goods, used and broken.

"I will let you two figure out what to do. I'm going to lie down for a while." I rose from my place on the couch and made my way to my bedroom, shoulders slumped in defeat, and tears rolling down my face at the thought of what could have been.

Entering my bedroom, I closed the door softly and slid down it. My mind was a turbulent swirl of menacing thoughts, and the memories of my time with Sam kept flashing through my mind.

"Sam, please stop," I begged as he tattooed his name on to my back.

"Almost done, baby, hang on. You look so beautiful with my name on your body. Now everyone will know that you belong to me." His tone was tender as he slurred his words.

He had come home drunk as usual and tied me to our bed, face down. After he finished having his way with me, he decided that he needed to brand me so no one else would ever touch me. The pain seared my skin as I screamed out my pleas for him to stop, causing him to laugh and slap my ass roughly.

I had no idea where he had gotten the equipment to do this from, or how he even knew what he was doing, but I would now have a tattoo of his name on my lower back, just above my ass.

Besides the pain from the tattoo gun, my ass was still hurting from his rough penetration. I had not come from his violation, in fact it had been a long time since I had come at all. The bile rose in my throat as he finished up his mark and pulled back to admire his work.

"Now it matches mine," he said as he came to stand on the side of the bed, where my face was pointing, and turned, lifting his shirt and lowering his boxers, to show me my name etched onto his back in the same spot. He proceeded to untie my restraints and rub down my wrists and ankles, then placed tender kisses on each. As soon as he let me go and left the room, I rolled up into the fetal position and sobbed.

Why was I still here? Why did I let him do these things to me? Was he right when he said no one could ever love me? Was he all I had? A sense of complete loss washed over me as I tried to stop my crying and even out my breathing before he came back. If he saw me like this it would just earn me another beating, and I still hadn't healed completely from the last one. I dried my eyes and straightened out on the bed, pulling the covers over me.

"So baby," Sam said as he entered the room, "take a look at my handy work." He brought a mirror over to the bed and pulled the sheets back, pulling me up to my feet. He placed the mirror to give me the perfect view and watched my face carefully for my reaction.

"It looks wonderful, Sam," I said, keeping my voice low and even. It looked awful, it was red and swollen and the letters were crooked. His face scrunched up in fury and he cracked the mirror over the back of my head causing it to shatter and knocking me onto the bed. I could feel the blood seeping through my hair and down my back as I tried to keep from screaming out.

"You ungrateful bastard. What, you're too good to say thank you, you fucking shit?" He picked me up by the back of my neck and turned me before slamming his fist into my face. "I do everything for you and you can't even say thank you." He slapped me with an open hand this time and released my neck so I fell backwards onto the mattress, landing on my back. The glass that was embedded in my skin sunk deeper, and I whimpered slightly before passing out.

When I woke up, I noticed he had cleaned me up and bandaged me,; he also placed some kind of gauze over my tattoo. I shifted slightly and groaned as pain shot through me. I would have more scars to add to my collection now.

A tap on the door brought me out of my reverie, and I sighed loudly. I hated this shit; I hated remembering all the things I'd suffered at Sam's hand. I hated that he had damaged me so fucking much that I couldn't function correctly after just seeing him again once. I had made so much progress over the past few years, and now it felt like I was back to square one. He had even managed to ruin me for Jacob. The tapping at the door got more persistent, and I frowned.

"Who is it?" I asked, my voice rough from crying.

"It's Jasper. Let me in, Edward." I scrubbed my hands over my face roughly before getting up and letting Jasper in. I moved over to the bed and sat down, my eyes never leaving the floor.

"What?" I asked, I was exhausted and knew it showed. So was Jasper.

"How ya holding up, buddy?" he asked, sitting down beside me and placing his hand on my shoulder.

"Honestly, Jasper, I've been better. All I wanted was to try and be normal, to fall in love and have a steady, stable, happy relationship, and I really thought I had found that with Jake. But I guess not, huh? Who would want me after seeing all that?" I stood up and ripped my t-shirt off. "Look at me, Jasper, look. I'm so fucking damaged. How the fuck could anyone want something so disgusting? And let's not forget this," I grunted out as I lowered my pajama bottoms and boxers just enough for Jasper to see Sam's mark. He gasped and reached out to touch it.

"Why did you never tell me about this, Edward?" he asked, his voice soft. I felt the anger boil through me, the memories of that night still fresh from reliving them just moments before.

"Why? Why, Jasper?" I was screaming. "Why the fuck would I tell you that, that monster decided it would be a good idea to tie me to a bed, violate me and then leave his mark on me?" I was still holding my pants down, Sam's name in full view when Jacob burst through the door, his eyes locking on the tattoo.

A/N Okay now this isn't really a bad cliff hanger right????? Shoe's will be kept on feet and not thrown at my head lol... (awesome review btw, made me smile so wide lol) I wanted to thank all my reviews, it means the world to me that you guys are taking the time to leave me some love and love for the boys :D I'm all tingly since I have never had so many reviews for a story before. So thank you so much all of you.