Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.

Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.

Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.

A/N at bottom.

Okay on with the story.

Hope

EPOV

I sighed deeply as I gazed out the window, my mind drifting back to last night's events. Jacob had been so loving and sweet, and I blushed thinking about how aggressive I had been. I can't believe I actually stripped us both off.

The smile that was on my lips faded as I thought about how I had been so embarrassed about my tattoo, and I made a conscious decision to do something about that. Maybe Jake would come with me to have it covered; we could look through the books and come up with something together.

Rubbing my hands over my face, I remembered the dream I had the night before. Jake, surrounded by light, smiling down at me - my protector, my angel, my heart. It was peaceful and perfect until that damn banging had awoken me. I had a hard time releasing Jake from our bed. Our bed. I smiled at the thought of it.

But something was off; something nagged me in the back of my mind. It was a feeling of doom fast approaching and I couldn't understand where it was coming from. It hit me in spurts and controlled me. My actions were becoming erratic and I knew Jake noticed. He noticed everything.

I still couldn't understand why I hid behind Jake this morning; why I was all of a sudden terrified to answer my own door. I don't know why I pulled away from Jake when he tried to comfort me after he raised his voice in that tone...I knew that tone, I remembered that tone well. Jake had never used it before, and it startled me. For the first time in a long while, I looked at Jake and saw Sam. I recovered quickly but not quickly enough. Jake was worried, I could see it in his eyes, and it killed me that I put that look there. I just didn't know what I was dealing with myself.

The moment Jake came back into the room I felt it. I knew he was there, but for the life of me I just couldn't move. I wanted to go to him, as I always did when he had been gone from me, but something held me still. What surprised me was when he touched me and I flinched. I couldn't fucking believe I flinched. Panic set in at the thought of upsetting Jake. I heard his sigh and it broke my heart. God I loved him so fucking much, but for the life of me I just couldn't make it right. What could I do? The damage was done. I had caused pain to the one person in the word I never wanted to hurt.

I saw the look in his eyes earlier when I showed fear for the first time in a long time, so I could only imagine the look on his face now. I mentally slapped myself in the head; well, I thought I did until I felt Jake's hand on my wrist. I leaned back into him and turn my head into his chest, breathing in his scent. My heart jumped and electricity soared through me, my emotions tumbling around each other. So many all at once: pain, anger, resentment, love, peace, hope. I heard Jake's voice comforting me as he rubbed my back gently.

"Shhh, baby, I've got you."

It was then I realized I was sobbing. I couldn't stop the onslaught so I just gave in completely and buried myself further into the comfort of Jake's warm chest. I could hear voices but couldn't bring myself to look up.

"Is he alright?" Alice asked, her voice laced with concern which only caused me to sob even harder.

"What's wrong with him? Is there anything we can do?" Jasper voice cut through Alice's, his laced with worry and fear.

"I've got him now, how about you two head home and I...we will come see you in a bit. Okay?" Jake said, the pain evident in his voice. He sounded so broken. It torn me apart even more and I completely broke. Every last thing that I had been through, every hit, every scar, every feeling flowed freely and I let it all go in the safety of his arms.

"We are not leaving him like this, Jake, and you know better than to ask it." Jasper said. I knew it was true - Alice and Jazz would be by my side till I rode this out.

This was a first for me, I had broken down a few times, but never to this point, never where it all came crashing down on me at once. Thoughts of Sam and his mother, of Esme and Jake and Alice and Jasper -, their faces and the pain I had brought into their lives. All my fault, all my fault.

"Shh, baby, it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. Sam's gone now. Esme is fine, baby, she's just worried about you, and Alice and Jasper love you so much. You have brought so much joy into all their lives." I shook my head violently as I realized again I had spoken out loud. I didn't want to burden Jake any more than I already had. He deserved better than this, better than me. I had nothing to offer, I was a complete wreck.

How could I have deluded myself into thinking I was worthy of him...

"Stop." Jake shouted, his voice firm and strong. I froze in his arms and shook slightly at the force of it. He rubbed my back in comfort but his voice never lost its strength as he continued. "I've heard enough, Edward. You were a victim of circumstance. You picked the wrong person, or the wrong person picked you, and I won't allow you to continue to blame yourself for this. You have worked too hard to get where you are and you have become so damn strong." He took a deep breath and kissed my forehead before he continued.

"I love you so fucking much. I never knew I could love someone this much. I feel everything you feel and just being near you brightens my day, but if I have to, if you need me to...I...I will move back to my place to give you space. I know I don't officially live here, but..."

"What?" My voice was a whisper but the shock was clear. He wanted to leave me.

"I don't want to go, Edward, I want to stay here with you, but if you need time..."

"NO!" It was my turn to scream. "I can't... No, Jake, just, no. Sam has cost me enough; he won't take you, too." I sobbed holding tight to Jake.

"Will you do something for me then, Edward?" Jake asked, his tone softer.

"Anything." I breathed out through broken sobs.

"Will you talk to me when things get tough, let me help you, or call Esme." I looked at up Jake as I tear fell from his eye. The love shining there was only dampened by the sadness. I nodded and buried my face back into his chest.

I felt my eyes droop as sleep overtook me, and the last thing I heard was, "I love you, Edward."

I was standing in a meadow and the flowers were in full bloom, every color of the rainbow on show. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I smiled brightly at the display in front of me and I walked around, my hands caressing each flower as I passed it. The sun was shining brightly, but the moon was still visible, looking magical hanging in the blue sky. I knew I had never been to this place before, but somehow it was a part of me - it was mine. I felt safe; the only place I have ever felt safer was in Jake's arms.

"Jake." I called out his name, a smile on my face as the sun warmed me. I heard a noise behind me and turned to see if it was Jake.

The scene changed, Sam was lying on his back on the floor of our old room. I watched myself trying to free myself from his arms. Everything was red. Blood was everywhere, but I felt no pain. I looked over my shoulder and saw the meadow was still behind me as I turned back to look at my bloody self trying to get up.

"Get out." The voice screamed in my head, I reached down and pulled my other self up, taking hold of my own hand and walking me into the meadow. Turning to look at myself, I smiled and whispered, "It all gets better from here, just trust Jake. He won't let you down."

Jake walked out into the meadow - hand held out - with a beautiful smile on his face. I ran to him, and wrapped myself up in his love and warmth.

"Do I get to have that one day?" My other self asked me.

"Yes, if you want it. Just don't screw it up." I smiled at myself as Jake led me to the center of the meadow and we lay down to watch the clouds go by.

"Jake." I screamed as I bolted up right. I heard the pounding of heavy footsteps before the bedroom door was thrown open and Jake was at my side.

"What? What happened, baby? Are you okay?" Jake was breathing heavy, his eyes shifting around the room and roaming over my body, checking for signs of attack. I couldn't help it, I chuckled. "You're laughing now?" God, how I loved this man.

"I'm sorry, love, it's just the look on your face when you came in here." I pulled him to me and kissed him hard. "I love you so God damn much it hurts sometimes. Do you know that?" I mumbled against his lips, them kissed him again, chuckling, before pulling back.

"Okay. It's official; I'm in love with a mad man." Jake laughed before pulling me back to him for a cuddle. "So you wanna tell me what all that was about?"

"I'm not too sure myself yet, but I think - I guess - new beginnings, maybe?" Yes very coherent there Edward. But honestly, I wasn't really sure. "I think the only thing I know for certain is you, Jake. I love you and I want to be with you. Even in my dreams you are there, helping me, guiding me, or saving me. It's always you, Jake." I sighed and nuzzled my face into his chest.

"Everything okay in there?" I heard Alice call from the other room.

"They stayed?" I whispered, pulling back to look at Jake.

"Of course, I couldn't get them to leave when you were like that. When you finally passed out, I held you for a while till Jasper pried you from my arms and put you to bed." Jake did not look happy at the fact I was taken from him. I must say I would have been quite content staying in his arms also.

"Aww, baby." I kissed his chest, right on his favorite spot causing him to moan softly and pull back. I couldn't help but chuckle as I climbed onto his lap to tease him some more. I was just starting to work my way down his neck when a gasp came from the doorway.

"Yes, Alice?" I asked as I buried my now glowing face back into Jake's chest, causing him to chuckle.

"They always did have bad timing." He whispered before turning us to face Alice.

"Just making sure everything is alright in here, and, well, I guess it's better than we thought." She giggled then made a run for the bed and launched herself at me and Jake.

Jake spun me around behind him and then lay over the top of me, shielding me from Alice. She grumbled softly as she landed on his back; her head came up over his shoulder and a cute smile took over her face as she looked at me.

"Hey. Looks like no one can get near ya with this one around." She giggled and slapped Jake playfully on the back.

"Looks like." I smiled and leaned up to kiss Jake on the cheek.

"Oh, come on now, not while I'm here...hey what the hell?" Alice shrieked as she disappeared from view. Jake pulled me up and we both turned to see Jasper throw Alice over his shoulder, and then smack her on the ass.

"Stop jumping into other men's beds, woman, you know what that does to me." He growled before looking over his shoulder and winking at us. "We are gonna give ya some time to talk, but we expect ya both down at our place by six for dinner." And with that they were gone. I glanced over at the clock at realized it was already three. I had been asleep for a while.

"I guess we really do need to talk, I'm just not exactly sure what to say since I can't even figure it out for myself right now." I said snuggling back into Jake's lap. "I don't know what it is, but whenever I'm close to you, or in your arms in some way, things are just...easier? I guess for lack of a better word." I sighed and snuggled in. It was true, Jake made things better.

"Why did you pull away from me before? And the flinching was back, Edward, and it scared the shit out of me." Jake blurted out and by the look on his face I don't think he meant to say any of it.

"I'm sorry about that. All I can say for sure is that it's not you. It's never you." I took a deep breath and decided to be honest, what else could I do. If I kept things from him they would only get worse in the end. "When I looked at you, for a split second I... Jake, I'm sorry and I didn't mean to, it's just...for a flash...I saw Sam." I looked down and buried my head in his chest, inhaling his scent to calm me.

"Oh." He sounded so damn broken at that point that I had to look at him, and I regretted it almost immediately. His face was a mask of shear pain, his eyes showing me every emotion crossing his face. He looked open and broken and devastated. I did that, again.

I started to have that same argument with myself that I would always have at this time. I wasn't good enough. Jake deserved better, someone who wouldn't cause him pain and anguish. But I stopped myself in my tracks because, yes, I would cause Jake pain and he would cause me pain; we were in love, and when you loved that much and gave so much of yourself, you felt pain like no other. But the joy you felt, the happiness and love outweighed it all.

That was my light bulb moment. That was the point that I realized that no matter what, there would be pain, but together, the pain would be bearable. Together we could make it.

"Jake, listen to me. I can't say to you that it will never happen again; I can't say to you that I won't cause you the pain that you are feeling right now ever again but what I can tell you is that I will love you forever, and I will be with you for as long as you will allow me to. There is no one in this world that I want to be with more than you. There is no one on this planet that I would risk this kind of pain for. It's you, Jake, it's always been you. It will always be you." I blew out a deep breath and smiled at the look on his face. "So, I guess what I'm saying in my usual long winded way, is if you will have me, I want to be with you, Jake; I want you to move in, officially. Will you?"

He pulled his arms tightly around me in a bone crushing hug, his lips attacking every part of exposed skin he could reach. "Yes, Edward, God yes." He kept repeating in between kisses.

I was laughing at his exuberance, and holding him to me, my insides exploding with love and relief. "Before you get carried away there, Mister, we need to talk about this some more."

"Like what? You asked, I said yes, what more is there?" Jake asked, never ceasing in his ministrations.

"Well," I chuckled and then moaned when he hit the tender spot on my neck, "Do we stay here? Do I move to your place? Do we sell both and buy a new place? Lots of things to discuss." I moaned again as he pulled my lap to his grinding against me.

"How about we talk about that later and for now we just stay here? You might actually want to see my house before you decide for sure, so for now, let's just make out like a couple a teenagers." Jake said all the while still kissing, licking and sucking on my skin, his hands kneading my ass.

I pushed his shoulders back on the bed gently before pulling off my shirt and leaning forward to run my hands under his, bunching up the material, then pulling it over his head. I groaned loudly at the sight of his chest; every time I saw it, it was like looking at a master piece in the art museum, and I was always amazed it was all mine.

I must have said it out loud, a nasty habit I'd picked up around Jake. It seems my brain filter switched off and every thought just came out. "Always yours Edward, always," he said, before taking my ear lobe into his mouth and nibbling gently.

The things he did to me, the way he made my body react to him, always amazed me, every time. It was like being asleep for years and then finally waking up. Like tasting chocolate for the first time. It was magical and powerful, and it was getting easier and easier to just go with the feelings and not freeze up. I wanted him, and that thought stayed with me every day. The need was always there, whether he was next to me or I was just thinking about him. And for the first time in over five years, I think I was actually ready.

"Jake?"

"Yes baby?"

"I think...I mean...I want..." Jake stopped what he was doing and pushed my shoulders back gently before looking me in the eye.

"What, baby? You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"I know, Jake, I'm just...its...well...hell, Jake, I think I'm ready to make love." I buried my face in his neck as I felt the blush run up my cheeks. I was never good at talking about sex and I never talked about my wants and needs. Even when things where good with Sam. I just never felt like I could, or should. So I wasn't sure on how to get out what I needed to without the inevitable blush. I know Jake didn't mind, in fact, Jake loved the fact he could get me to blush like that. Plus he thought the color made me sexy, hell who was I to argue.

"Then I guess we should talk about it, baby." I was confused what there was to talk about. Jake was a top, I was a bottom, we both knew the mechanics, and I knew that Jake had never bottomed in his life, and I had never topped. It seemed simple enough to me, except when I thought about him being inside of me. Half of me craved it, wanted it, even needed it, but there was a part of me that was terrified of what would happen if we did. That's when I understood what he meant.

"Oh," was my highly intelligent reply. Jake smiled at me, understanding in his eyes, he was always a few steps ahead of me with this stuff, and over cautious at how quickly we proceeded in our relationship. I on the other hand was just so excited and relieved I was getting any reaction downstairs that I tended to act first and have a panic attack later. Lucky for me Jake loved me so much.

"Jake, would you ever consider...no never mind." I couldn't bring myself to ask him if he would bottom. I had no idea if either of us would like it, all I knew was that was the only way I would feel in control.

I was starting to get a little upset at the way my mind would jump tracks lately. It was almost close to being bipolar. I couldn't hold on to any thought long enough before something else would enter my mind and then I would be too damn nervous or shy to talk about it.

"Edward?" I realized I had just drifted off into my own little world again; I was staring at his chest the whole time, my hands absentmindedly running over his pecs and abs. I found his skin comforting in not only its strength but softness.

"Mmm?" I answered totally distracted by the feel of him under my fingers now that I was conscious of what I was doing. His chuckle made me look at him and blush when I realized where exactly my hand had drifted too. While one hand was indeed stroking his chest and stomach, the other was tracing his penis through his pants.

I went to pull my hand away, but Jake held it in place and smiled at me. "If it helps you concentrate and makes it easier to talk, please feel free to rub it for luck." He smirked and then moaned as I gave it a squeeze. "Edward, we should really talk. Now what did you want to ask me?"

I felt the blush creep up my cheeks as I thought about how to phrase it. In the end it was best to just come out with it so I did, I blurted out, "would you bottom for me?"

The room went silent as we stared into each other's eyes, and I waiting with baited breath for his answer.

So sorry for the delay as most of you know I was rushed in for emergency surgery two weeks ago, so I have been recovering since then, so this chapter is a few weeks late. Short of anymore medical emergencies or any other kind things should pick back up where they left off. Chapter 20 is already underway.

Thank you all for your patients and a special thanks to all of you who sent me PM's with kind words. It meant a lot. As for reviews, I haven't been replying to any of them lately, since I've been trying to concentrate on writing instead, I will get back to reply to reviews ASAP. If I miss you please accept my apologies and know I read each and every one, they are what keep me writing. Okay that ends this long winded AN lol Thanks again it means so much that you are all sticking with me and loving my boys as much as I do.