Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.
Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.
Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah and VanPireNZ. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.
What's Normal?
EPOV
Stretching my arms over my head, I felt my smile widening as I recalled last night's events. Jacob's arms were tightly wrapped around me, holding me close to him as he snored lightly in my ear. I couldn't think of one moment in my life that I ever felt so content, so complete and so utterly loved.
I could feel the flush running up my cheeks as I recalled the way I spoke to Jake last night, how dirty my words were. Only he could bring that out in me, I had no idea I could be so...verbal. All I knew for sure was I had a desperate need for Jake to claim me in the most basic of ways, hard and fast, and it had nothing to do with Sam or the memories that were stirred up.
I shuddered at the memory of being so close to the place I have once called home, and the outburst I had in front of Jake's dad. I still can't believe how wonderful he was about the whole thing, and I am looking forward to spending more time with him. I'm even looking forward to calling him Dad.
Dad – I can't help the small smile that takes over my lips at the thought. Esme is so like a mother to me, but I never thought I would feel safe or comfortable enough around a man to find a father figure. But Jake's dad, Billy, just made me feel safe, secure and already like one of the family, just like his son, and the thought of him makes me feel doubly blessed to become a Black.
Speaking of weddings – I looked over at the clock, and seeing the time, I jump out of bed, almost taking Jake with me.
"Hey now, Baby, where's the fire?" Jake asks as he rights himself and rubs sleep out of his eyes.
"Alice, Jake, Alice." My voice raised a few octaves as I remember that Alice is coming over this morning for last minute wedding things. Her and Jasper's wedding was only four weeks away and we had last minute fittings and details to organize. Alice was rather frantic that everything would go wrong so she was intent on triple checking every single detail. Jasper was at his wits end with her manic behavior, but Jake and I found all kinds of amusement in it, except when she included us in her quest for perfection.
Jake's face paled as he jumped from the bed and ran for the bathroom, turning the shower on and letting it heat up while he ran back to the bedroom and frantically started pulling clothes from the closet. I stood back and watched, chuckling at his behavior, until I remembered Alice and started to mimic his actions.
We were showered, dressed and had breakfast in record time, and were sitting on the couch with coffee when Alice strolled into the apartment with a haggard looking Jasper trailing behind. Three hours into Alice ordering us around, Jasper leaned in close to whisper in my ear.
"Edward, you know I love you right, and I would do anything for you. Can ya do me a favor? NNow, I wouldn't ask unless I was desperate, you know that. Please, Edward, please for the love of all that is holy, have a panic attack." I pulled back from him, my mouth hanging open in shock.
Of all the things I expected him to say, that was the last thing I ever imagined. I turned my head to look over my shoulder at Jake, who had me cradled in his lap, a position he put me in after the second hour of the great wedding discussion, and he must of overheard, because he was nodding his head in agreement with Jasper. As for me, I didn't know whether to be furious or laugh my ass off at the desperation in the faces. I decided to make them squirm, since both of them knew how upset it makes me whenever I have a panic attack, and feigning hurt could actually get me at least half and hour of alone time. I chuckled internally at the thought of throwing Jasper and Jake to the wolves as I put on my hurt face and leaped to my feet.
"I can't believe you said that to me Jasper, you of all people. You know how upset it makes me when I have panic attacks or black out. My god for you, YOU Jasper to try to use something so painful to me to get out of wedding talk." I shook my head as I lowered it and sniffed. Peaking up under my eyelashes, I caught the sight of Jasper' face and almost felt bad enough to stop. He had gone a really pale white, his eyes wide and his mouth hung open slightly.
"And you Jake, for you to agree. I never thought I would see the day that you would actually hurt me on purpose." Jake and Jasper both jumped to their feet and started towards me causing me to back away from them with my hands held out in front of me.
"No, don't touch me, either of you. I – I'm just going to lay down for a while. I need some time alone, to sort out things in my head." I looked up at Jake and Jasper as they both started talking at the same time.
"Oh God, Edward, I didn't even think, I'm so damn sorry. Please forgive me?" came from Jasper's mouth.
"Fuck, no Edward, I wasn't... that's not what I was nodding...oh fuck, Jasper damn it."
I managed to peak over at Alice who was looking every bit as dangerous as I knew she could be when you fucked up with me. Her face was almost purple and her tiny fist shook with force at her sides. These boys where in for it big time.
I turned myself so my back was to Alice and I was facing just the boys and looked them in the eye, then I winked and smirked at them before mouthing, 'serves yourselves right.' There eyes flew even wider open and they both shook their heads, bowing them slightly and I could just make out their shoulders shaking from the effort to stop laughing out loud.
Satisfied I got the message across, I turned and walked to my room, calling over my shoulder my apologies to Alice and that I would be back when I could calm down some.
As soon as the bedroom door closed behind me, Alice started and she didn't let up for forty five minutes. The boys were berated in fine form and Alice used language I didn't even know she knew. I had to stuff a pillow in my face to stop the sounds of my laughter from filling the room and making their way into the lounge. There was a knock on the door exactly three minutes after everything went quiet, and I was shocked at who was there.
"Very nice performance there, Edward." Alice had entered the room and shut the door behind her and was now laying on the bed next to me, watching me with her eyebrow raised. I thought I had done a good job in fooling her. I should have known better.
"Well, they deserved it," I replied, letting my petulance lace my voice.
"Indeed they did, which is why I laid into them, I couldn't have done a better job myself. Trying to use you to get out of wedding planning is one thing but to use your panic attacks, that's unforgivable. What in the hell were they thinking, especially Jasper. My God, we have lived through enough of them over the years for him to know better. But Jake..." She shook her head and reached out to grab my hand as I cut her off, I didn't want to know about Jake right now.
"How did you know Alice?" I was curious as to what gave me away.
"Well I wasn't sure at first, I was seething that those two would do something like that to you, still am really, but what gave it away was when you turned away from me. Whatever you said showed clearly on their faces, and well even I could see their shoulders shaking as they tried not to laugh. I think you all forget how observant I really am at times." She laughed and squeezed my hand before adding, "but they don't need to know that I know. Let 'em stew."
"I told 'em 'serves yourselves right'. Which it did, it was the last thing I expected from either of them and I'm still a little put out they would say it. Actually I'm more shocked than anything else." I sighed and rolled over to face Alice.
We spent the next twenty minutes just laying down, talking and laughing at their stupidity. I told Alice I was going to tell Jake's dad, and Alice said she was looking forward to telling Esme. I actually felt sorry for them for all of two seconds.
"Edward?" Alice's voice sounded tiny and I wondered what would cause it. I looked at her and cocked an eyebrow in question.
"Jake wasn't agreeing with Jasper..." I cut her off again.
"He was nodding his head, Alice. He heard what Jasper said and was nodding his head. How can you say..." It was her turn to cut me off.
"He wasn't listening to Jasper, he was listening to me. I was talking about having you two in matching suits, and he was agreeing with me. He liked the idea of you two wearing the same thing as you walked down the isle together." I frowned at her.
"But...but..."
"Just bad timing Edward, trust me. Jake took the shit from me, because he didn't want to let his partner down, cops and all that, never leave a man behind. Some stupid macho crap like that, but when I went to get a glass of water, I heard Jake ragging Jasper out for his stupidity and for dragging him down with him when he was just agreeing with me about the suits. He was pissed off at Jasper, just as much as I was and he was laying into him. You know Jake and trying to whisper, it's even worse when he is angry. Poor Jasper is copping it from every side."
I sighed loudly and tried to think of a way to make it up to Jake. I can't believe I assumed he would go along with Jasper's stupidity.
"In Jasper's defense, which isn't really much, he hasn't been sleeping well lately. Something has been bothering him, but he won't talk to me about it. So, I don't think he was actually using his brain when he made that stupid request." I groaned at Alice's comment because I knew Jasper was having a hard time lately. Between me being with Jake, and Alice spending a lot of time with Seth, Jasper was feeling a little left out. He had been used to having Alice and me to himself for a long time. Alice was either with me, with Jasper or with both of us. Usually it was all three of us together.
"Yeah I know. He has a lot of adjustments to make in such a short time, so I get it. I will go easy on him and only make him squirm for a little while." Alice laughed at the faces I was making.
After another ten minutes of letting them stew, we decided to go out there and let them off the hook. We found Jake sitting in a chair, hands in his face and Jasper pacing around the room, shaking his head every so often and muttering to himself.
I walked up to Jasper and pulling him into my arms, and he immediately returned my embrace. "I'm sorry Edward, really. I wasn't thinking at all..."
"I know Jasper, you have been under a lot of stress, besides I'm not that mad, just a little shocked. You know I love you though." He sighed in relief and hugged me tighter, kissing the side of my head.
"Thanks, buddy."
"You're welcome and now I have to go apologize to my man over there, because it seems I got the wrong end of things." Jasper squeezed me tight one last time then, all be it reluctantly, let me go. It was in that moment I realized just how hard this was on Jasper. He has been so determined to see me happy, to make sure I have everything he thinks I deserve, that he has been neglecting his own feelings towards this whole thing.
I would have to rectify that situation as soon as possible. Jasper was one person, I knew for sure that I couldn't survive without, and truth be told I didn't want to. He was the world to me. Him and Alice. Without them I would probably be dead.
"I love you, Jasper, remember that. Please remember that, and remember that I wouldn't be who I am today without you. You mean the world to me and nothing or no one could every change that or take your place in my heart." Jasper pulled me back to him and a small sob escaped him before he could reign himself in.
"I love you too, buddy. Sorry for being such a jackass," he whispered softly into my ear.
"We need to spend more time together just the two of us, I think. After you get back from your honeymoon we will have to have a date night of our own." Jasper chuckled at my term 'date night' and so did I.
"You have a deal buddy, now go see your man, while I try and sooth things over with my woman." We hugged tightly one more time before moving away to our fiancés.
Jake was watching the exchange between Jasper and I with a slight smile on his face,which quickly turned to a small frown as I walked towards him. My stomach was churning as I strode the short distance separating us. My mind was filled with remorse for how I could have believede he would agree with Jasper's suggestion. This was Jake after all. He would sooner slit his wrists than cause me any physical or emotional pain.
Jake leaned back in his chair when I reached him, and I sat in his lap and curled myself around him, taking comfort from his scent and sighed with pleasure as he wrapped his arms around me. He began to speak, but I cut him off quickly, knowing he would apologize even though he didn't do anything wrong.
"I'm sorry, Jake, I should have known better, I was just shocked and when I saw you nodding. I naturally assumed you were agreeing with Jasper. It was stupid and childish to try and get you into trouble with Alice, and even though I was upset, I wasn't really angry as you could tell by the wink...it's just that I...well...I..." I didn't know what to say, because even though I made a joke of it, I was angry and hurt. I felt betrayed and then felt even worse for feeling that way with people I know love me. My mind and heart were being pulled in a million different directions and I really didn't know how to feel about the whole thing, other than really pissed off at myself for believing Jake would be apart of it.
"Edward, of course you were angry, don't even try telling me you weren't. You had every right to be too. I'm still pissed off, but more importantly I'm worried about you. I love you, baby, you know that, and I won't tolerate people upsetting you. Jasper is lucky, I love him like a brother, otherwise he would be unconscious right now. And as for you thinking what you did, well I can understand that too, I mean you turn to me for support and I'm sitting there nodding my head like a jackass, having totally missed what Jasper had said to you. Shit Edward, I would have been mad at me too." He leaned down and kissed my head, pulling me tighter to him.
Just like Jake to place no blame on me, and with my current emotional turmoil, I didn't know whether to hit him or kiss him. He really needed to start holding me accountable for my fuck-ups, since I had them rather often. I realized in that moment that Jake treated me almost like a child. He coddled me and took responsibility for my own action, and while that was exactly what I needed in the beginning, if I was ever to fully recover, I needed him to hold me accountable. The problem was I wasn't exactly sure how to talk to him about it, without having him blame himself.
If we were in a normal relationship, Jake would have been furious with me for blaming him for something I should know he would never do. At least I think that's what was suppose to happen. I had seen Alice rip Jasper a new one for similar things as he did with her, it was a normal thing to do, wasn't it? Fighting in a relationship, arguing was what normal couples did, right? Jake and I didn't do that. Jake always took responsibility for everything. And with that thought, wrapped safely in Jake's embrace I made the decision to talk to Seth and find out if they ever argued, even though it would kill me to hear about their life together. I had no experience in these things, but what I had witnessed between other couples, mostly Jasper and Alice. Sam was my only experience to draw from and I knew all of that was wrong. Sighing, I snuggled deeper in to Jake and decided to just let it go until I talked to Seth, Alice and Jasper about their thoughts.
Maybe I'm wrong about everything. I mean, what did I really know about real relationships, and Jake has always been so sweet and kind. I just hope that he is being who he truly is and isn't holding any part of himself back from me. I have to stop driving myself crazy, Seth will be over for dinner in two days, so I will find some time to speak to him then. Untill then, I am going to enjoy my loving, sweet and sexy as hell boy...I mean fiancé, and not worry about this until I know there is something to worry about.
Things change everyday, but there was one thing I could always count on and that was the fact that I would always over analyze everything in my life, for better or worse. I still couldn't lean to live outside my own head.
Sorry for the very long delay, things are getting back to normal slowly, and the next chapter is already written so thats a good thing.
I am in need of a new Beta or two, so if anyone is interested please send me and email or msg and let me know. But please only if you have the time and are not too busy with other stuff.