Authors' Note: Hello, again. Thank you so much to all the cool people reading this. This chapter's pretty long, hoorah!
Disclaimer: We don't own the characters, or their clothes or lack thereof.
Inopportune Moments
All Dress-ed Up
River and the Doctor were in the console room, debating over whether to go to a museum or a planet next (River strongly advocated for the planet), when the TARDIS phone rang.
"Hello?" said the Doctor, leaning against the console in an attempt to stop River seizing the controls.
"Doctor?" said Jack through the phone.
"Harkness? Hello, Jack! What can I do for you?" the Doctor said, slapping River's hands away from the console.
"Doctor? Did you regenerate since I saw you last?" said Jack, grinning with delight at the thought of a shiny new Doctor.
"Well, yes. So, why are you calling?" said the Doctor, pulling River into his lap. Placing the receiver on his shoulder he said quickly, "River, stop trying to win the argument already! We'll continue the debate when I've finished on the phone…"River raised an eyebrow and sighed, fiddling with the Doctor's suspender strap.
He glared half-heartedly at her before putting the phone back to his ear."…and we'd really like you and a plus-one, that's if you've got a plus one, to come." Jack was saying.
"Jack?" said the Doctor, trying very hard to concentrate, considering River was now playing with his bowtie. "I'm sorry, can you…repeat from the beginning please?"
It really was very hard to concentrate with River gently running her fingers across his jaw. He squiggled away from her touch and concentrated intensely on the phone.
He could hear Jack sigh. "Okay, well, you know how I'm working in Torchwood right? In Cardiff? 21st century Earth?"
"Yeah? You don't need my help, do you?" said the Doctor, unwilling to give in to his request because that would mean that River would have won their argument.
Thankfully River had stopped touching his face and seemed to be content for the moment to try and work out what was happening on the phone.
"Well, not in a fighting aliens way. But there's this lovely Welsh man that I work with…and well, long story short, we're getting married on Sunday, and we want you to be my best man….actually, I want you to be my best man, he doesn't have a say. He'll be fine with it. So, are you coming or not?"
The Doctor thought about it.
"You know, if you don't have a date or anything, there are lots of lovely…species…coming. As enticement, Doctor dearest." said Jack.
The Doctor could practically hear him winking down the phone. River looked at the Doctor, smiling.
She'd been listening into the call and decided that this Jack, or whoever he was, that they were going to his wedding. She'd been to weddings with the Doctor, in his future, and they were brilliant fun.
"Oh, sweetie, let's. It'll be fun. Just think, there'll be dancing!"
The Doctor's eyes brightened. Dancing! I didn't think about the dancing…he thought. We simply have to go! Never mind the best man thing...dancing!
"And, sweetie, you can't turn down the offer to be the best man! You simply can't."
The Doctor gave River a look that said 'I concede.'
"Alright, Jack, we'll come. When you say Sunday, you mean Sunday the…."
"Sunday the 16th of April, 2011…'We'll come'? You mean, you have a date? Oh, Doctor, you sly old Time Lord!" said Jack, practically rubbing his hands with glee.
Across the room Ianto frowned and mouthed "Just remember that we're getting married, Jack. Us two."
Jack winked at him and went back to his call. "Alright, then Doctor, I'll be seeing you then."
"Good. Fine. Excellent." said the Doctor, and was about to hang up when Jack continued.
"And Doctor, there's a theme."
Oh, Gallifrey. Not a themed wedding. And it's Jack. This can only be bad. thought the Doctor, already regretting his decision to come.
Last time he'd been to a themed anything it hadn't boded well. Not only had he been followed around by a pack of women (and men) all night, for reasons he couldn't discern, the hotpants had left his legs very cold in the night air.
"What's the theme?" he said cautiously.
"Well, men go in women's clothing and women go in men's clothing. I suppose it's called cross dressing."
The Doctor scrunched up his face. River's eyes gleamed at the prospect of dressing the Doctor up in a dress.
"Does the…theme….apply to you, Jack?" said the Doctor. If it didn't, he wasn't going.
There's no way I'd make a fool of myself by wearing a dress in front of Jack if he isn't going to look equally ridiculous. Although, it's Jack, so he won't look ridiculous, save for ridiculously handsome.
"Yes. I'm going in a dress and Ianto's wearing my suit." Said Jack. "Well, I've got to go. We're getting flowers organised. See you Sunday, Doctor! And don't you forget the theme!" said Jack happily. The Doctor could hear Ianto, if that's what his name was, in the background saying something about pink flowers and purple balloons.
"Okay. Bye, Harkness. I'll see you on Sunday."
The Doctor hung up and took a deep breath.
A themed wedding! I agreed to attend a themed wedding! Not just any themed wedding, Jack's themed wedding! Oh, Doctor, what were you thinking? I'm going to have to wear a dress! Ohhh…
"So, Doctor, let's get ready!" said River, already thinking of dresses that the Doctor could wear.
"No, River, I don't want to. Me, in a dress? I don't think so." he said, folding his arms and wrinkling his nose.
"Well, sweetie, you could carry it off. You are certainly very…effeminate." said River, giving him a cheeky wink and, taking his arm in hers, led him to their bedroom.
"Now, Doctor, you can wear any one of these, I think they'll fit. The TARDIS has certainly accepted the challenge of finding you a dress in her infinite wardrobe," River said, holding up a dress to him and turning him side to side. "In fact, I think she's rather enjoying the prospect of seeing you in a dress."
The Doctor looked at River defeatedly. "Well, I don't know the first thing about dresses or anything…but considering I have to wear it…I like this one," he said shyly, picking up a floor-length black dress with silky see-through puff sleeves.
River raised her eyebrow slyly. "Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Now. Come on, off with your clothes and on with that dress!" she said, crossing her arms and staring expectantly at the bewildered Doctor.
"What, you mean right now? With you right here…okay." he said, as River gave him her 'shut up and take off your clothes, Time Lord' look.
The Doctor was in his underwear, holding the dress at arms length and thoroughly confused. "River?"
"Yes, sweetie?" said River. I can't wait until he's got the dress on so I can rip it off with my teeth, she thought.
The Doctor was going to ask for help putting on the dress, but, really, this is embarrassing enough. By the Time Vortex, I don't understand how this works! Um, maybe if I put my head through here? No. Oh, ow!It's pulling on my hair! Is this thing sentient? I think it's trying to strangle me!
All dignity now thoroughly lost, the Doctor turned to River, a tangle of fabric, and blushing fire-engine red, asked, "Can you help me? I don't…I've never…why is it so complicated and there's fabric everywhere!" he said, his head through one of the armholes and zip caught in his hair.
River grinned coyly and helped him into the dress.
A few minutes later the Doctor was in his dress and River was in her suit, well, her shirt and pants. She was too busy helping the Doctor.
"You would make a pathetic woman. Just you remember that for your future regenerations, you." she said, scuffling under the bed looking for a pair of shiny red high heels.
The Doctor, who was sitting on the side of the bed, swinging his ankles together, replied, "Well, I've been a woman, and frankly, I wasn't much good at the whole female makeup clothing shoes thing. Oh, no. River? I can't. I can't wear those. I can't."
For River was holding up a pair of shiny red high heels.
High being the operative word, he thought. If the dress wasn't bad enough, now she's going to force me into makeup and heels?
Oh, this is an evening I cannot see ending well. No, no no.
But by a combination of River's glare and a kind of strange excited anticipation of what he'd look like, in ten minutes the two of them were standing in front of the floor-length mirror in the corner of their bedroom. River was turning side to side, admiring her suit, complete with top hat, waistcoat, tails, bowtie and converse. Well, she hadn't put on the bowtie yet. The Doctor had said that if she was going to force him into makeup then the least he could do was tie her bowtie.
The Doctor, however, was currently admiring his dress. "You know, it's kind of comfortable. This makeup is a bit…extreme, though. Do you really think I needed this shade of red?" he said, staring at his lips' reflection.
"Yes, sweetie, it helps to balance out your eye makeup. I told you this. Now, remember not to rub your eyes, or it'll smudge and you'll look like an intergalactic cross-dressing panda bear." she said, motioning for him to put on her bowtie.
Obliging, he gently wrapped it around her neck. "You know, I think I like my hair curled like this. It feels so…bouncy!" he said, smiling and nodding his head so that his ringlets bobbed.
River looked at his handsomely made up face, so very close to hers. "Oh, Doctor. You are completely, utterly mental." she said, pulling him close and kissing him on the lips.
At the wedding reception Jack wove through the crowd of aliens and humans, searching for this new Doctor. He'd been there during the ceremony, of course, but a new face and women's clothing didn't help to find him. During the ceremony he really only had eyes for the handsome Welshman standing opposite him.
And I really want to see this 'date' he's brought along, too. he thought. They're probably human, but nevertheless…he does have quite good taste.
Across the room Ianto's family were bunched together around a little table, looking very concerned about this strange ruffian in a dress he'd married and drinking heavily.
A man wearing red high heels and a very nice black dress was twirling around a woman wearing a suit and tails. As he walked past he could hear him say "Dance? River, dear. I am over nine hundred years old. Of course I can dance!"
He stopped and turned. "Doctor?" he said, a smile growing around the edge of his mouth.
The Doctor turned to him. "Jack! There you are! Great party here. I love the dancing! Nice dress, by the way," he said, looking Jack's white lace-and-tulle monstrosity up and down. "Very nice."
"Oh, Doctor! It's so good to see you!" said Jack, pulling him into a hug. "And I love the heels, by the way," Jack said, turning to get Ianto's attention. River gave the Doctor an 'I told you so' look. "Just a minute. Let me get Ianto. He's dying to meet you, Doctor!"
River turned to the Doctor. "You didn't tell me he was that handsome! Wow. Now that is a man who can get away with wearing whatever he wants, sweetie!"
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "You have no idea, no idea."
Jack returned with Ianto in tow. "Ianto, this is the Doctor. Doctor, this is Ianto." And turning to River he said, "And who, may I ask, is this?"
"River. River Song. It's a pleasure to meet you, Jack." River said, shaking his proffered hand.
The Doctor gave Jack a warning glance.
Ianto raised his eyebrows at Jack. "Jack? We're married. You can't go flirting with everyone now."
"Oh, I don't think that's going to stop him, Ianto." said the Doctor, as Jack pulled River onto the dancefloor.
There were quite a few couples on the dancefloor, meaning that Jack and River were pressed relatively close to each other. Tosh, engagement ring glittering on her finger as she spun her grumpy dress-ed up fiancée around, was laughing. Owen, the grumpy dress-ed up fiancée, was grumbling about needing a drink but being unable to have one, but only half-heartedly as Tosh looked so beautiful in her suit.
Gwen was roaming the edge of the dancefloor, looking for species that were available as partners, occasionally taking a glass of champagne from the waiters and draining it.
"So, River. River Song. That's a lovely name," said Jack. "Where'd you get it?"
He spun her around before pulling her close again.
"Well, it's a very long and complicated story, Captain Harkness. My name was Melody Pond, but really, that was a loooong time ago. So I…changed it to River. I like it, and the Doctor likes it, and my parents don't really care, they spend most of the time around me being bewildered, so hey, who cares, right?"
Jack nodded his head in agreement.
"So, where did you get your name, Jack? I know it's not your real name."
Jack looked taken aback. "I didn't tell you that. I don't tell anyone that. Ever…well," he said, looking at Tosh, "I don't tell people casually. Ianto doesn't even know."
"Oh, please. I'm a time traveller on leave from a prison. You think I can't spot a con-man when I see one?" said River, smiling gently.
"Reformed. Oh, a jail? He found you in a jail! Wow, that new regeneration really did change him!" said Jack, winking at the Doctor, who was sitting at a table with Ianto, both of them watching their partners like hawks.
The Doctor frowned worriedly and looked warningly at River, who smiled at him. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.
"So, anyway, you and the Doctor?" said Jack, raising his eyebrows at River, who grinned back.
"It's a complicated story, and he doesn't know most of it." she replied, and was about to continue, but broke off when she noticed Jack looking strangely at her.
"What? What is it? Is something wrong?" she said, slightly worried.
"No, no, it's just, is that…red lipstick on your neck?" Jack said, looking suspiciously at River, who was blushing furiously, and then at the Doctor, who was drinking something with lips the same colour. "Oh, I think I know what happened there." Glancing at the Doctor he said, "Well, he does look extraordinarily attractive in that dress, hey?"
The Doctor, who was watching the two of them, raised his eyebrows so high that they were in danger of disappearing into his curled hair.
"Oh, he's getting jealous. Excuse me." River said, still embarrassedly red.
River went over and pulled the Doctor onto the dancefloor. As Jack went over and sat on Ianto's lap, he could hear her say, "But you told me nobody would see the lipstick on my neck!"
Hours later, the Doctor and River left Jack and his charming Ianto to their Retconning of the family members, and said goodbye to Tosh and Owen, who were helping out. Owen was complaining weakly about the kimono he was wearing tripping him up, and Tosh just laughed and kissed him on the mouth to shut him up. Gwen was drunkenly glued at the lips to an alien with more heads than common sense, and everyone ignored her.
As the TARDIS door swung shut, the Doctor groaned and hung the high heels on a console lever.
"I don't ever want to spend a night wearing those heels again," he complained. "I'm certain that my feet are damaged for my next few regenerations. Are they?" he said, looking at River, who tapped her nose and said, "Spoilers!"
He went off to clean as much remaining makeup off as possible, whilst River sat and massaged her aching feet. I'm sure that dancing for 4 hours straight is not going to feel good tomorrow…she thought.
The Doctor appeared in the doorway, face now relatively clean, but lips still crimson. "River, dear, how do you get this stuff off? Is it tattooed onto my lips or something?"
River grinned. "Oh, Doctor, you'll just have to wait for it to fade, it won't come off no matter how much you rub it."
He made a 'hmph!' noise and asked if she could help unzip the dress, as he didn't want to break it. River was already out of her tails and he reached for her tantalising suspenders as she pulled the dress off.
"Hmm, I quite like this dress," she said. "Mind if I keep it?"
The Doctor shrugged. He didn't even care that he wasn't wearing anything but his underwear, again. "I'm not going to be wearing it again. Well, not this regeneration anyway. Well, not in the near future. Well…like I said, you can keep it."
"Good." said River, smiling as she hung it on the door of their wardrobe.
She turned around. "It looked quite good on you, sweetie."
"Thankyou, dear."
She nodded acknowledging-ly at him.
"River?" said the Doctor, pulling her close and beginning to untie her bowtie. "You know, to tell you the truth, that suit…looks absolutely terrible on you," he said, throwing the bowtie aside and starting to unbutton her shirt. "I think I'm going to have to remove it as soon as possible."
Authors' Notes-Part Two!:
So yes. Just a few things not at the beginning in case they ruined the chapter. So here they are.
Firstly, if anyone was wondering who Ianto's maid of honour was, it was Tosh. (awww). His bridesmaid was Myfanwy. Gwen isn't a bridesmaid because she's fun to bash.
Second: the Doctor is wearing the dress River is wearing in Time of Angels, the ballgown one? And very possibly those heels too. How strange, that means they have the same shoe size.
Third, the wedding and probably reception too, were held in the disused warehouse that Jack and Ianto caught Myfanwy in.