A/N When I asked for outtake suggestions, there was one that won above all others. More Willow! Well, here's your Willow ladies! I hope you like it. I laughed my ass of writing it. Poor Smugs. I hope you enjoy!
Taste of Innocence Cowtake
"Edward, I need your help."
Her voice was filled with nerves and I looked up from my conference call with fucking Jenks. Bella stood in the doorway, her golden eyes wide with panic. Fuck me, I knew this was going to happen and I told her a billion fucking times that I was not going to get involved with this crap but of course, here she was and of course, here I fucking was, ready to drop everything to make that look on her face disappear.
"I'll call you later," I growled, shutting the laptop before he could get in a word edgewise.
A nervous smile flitted across her face because I stopped what I was doing. But was I going to make it easy on her? Of course fucking not. This was all her doing anyway.
"How in the hell am I supposed to help you, Bella?"
"I can't do it alone." She wrung her hands helplessly. She was so fucking cute with her hair pulled back in a braid and her jeans and t-shirt. I wanted to lick her.
"I told you back when we got the fucking thing that I wasn't going to take care of it."
"I know, but…"
"But nothing. It's your fucking problem, not mine. This was all your brilliant idea which I told you would fucking backfire but did you listen to me? No. You just gave me that look and I fucking gave in and now here you are asking for more help? I told you this would fucking happen."
She huffed angrily and I bit back a smile as the temper started to show on her face. Anything was better than that wild, scared look she was sporting.
"I can't do it alone! If something happens to her I'll die! Do you want me to die, Edward?"
I rolled my eyes at her fucking dramatics. "Technically, you're already dead, baby." I was about to say more but I broke off when the fireplace poker flew past my head and embedded itself in the wall. Fuck, she was really pissed off. I fucking loved it. "Really, Bella? You're going to get me to help you by throwing a temper tantrum?"
Her eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms. "There's not time to get you to do it by offering you sex."
She was fucking perfection. I laughed and got to my feet. "There's always time for sex, baby."
"Not while she's in pain, Edward. I'll fuck you for hours after you help me."
I crossed the room and kissed her soundly. "You do know the way to my heart, baby."
"More like the way to your cock," she muttered. I laughed and kissed her again. She started to melt into me, like always, but then she remembered her fucking priorities and shoved me away. Too fucking bad for me.
"Cock, heart, it all works the same when it comes to you." I gave her my best smile and she smiled back and grabbed my hand.
"Coming from anyone else that wouldn't be sweet. Now come on!"
I thought about making a crude comment about what I'd like to come on but thought better of it when she practically yanked my fucking arm out of the socket and into the barn. My girl had done quite a job in here, there was fresh hay in all the stalls and it shone like a fucking cathedral for her fucking cows. She led me to the last stall, where Willow lay on the fresh hay, mooing, her eyes rolling in obvious discomfort.
"We're here, baby. It'll all be okay," Bella crooned as she walked into the stall and knelt at Willow's head, stroking her coarse fur. She was practically making kissy faces at the stupid fucking thing.
"I think you're at the wrong end," I told her helpfully, not hiding my grin when she fucking hissed at me.
"She needs my comfort. You're the one that needs to be at the other end."
What the fuck did she just say? "Why the fuck would I be down there? I have never in my fucking life wanted to watch a cow give birth, Bella. This is your deal, not mine. I thought you wanted me here to keep you both fucking calm."
"Of course not! You need to help her get it out." She said it in that tone again, that tone I fucking hated that indicated I was a fucking dumbass for not thinking that she expected me to somehow help in the fucking miracle of cowbirth.
"Exactly how am I supposed to help her get it out? Push, Willow. Don't forget your breathing." My sarcastic words earned me a baleful glare from my girl that caused Edward Junior to stir in my jeans again. That fucker didn't give a shit about appropriate timing. Angry Bella equaled hard Edward Junior. It was like the quadratic equation for my fucking cock.
"You take those gloves," she gestured at some fucking doctor's type gloves that were lying across the stall door. "And you put them on and you reach inside her and grab the babies' legs and pull it out."
I was fucking hallucinating. My wife had not just told me that I was going to be reaching into a cow pussy and pulling out a fucking baby. That was just not fucking possible. "Don't we have a fucking vet? Where the hell is he? And why am I the one doing the pulling? She's your fucking cow, you get her baby out."
"Dr. Martin is out at the Morgan farm dealing with an emergency. He can't be here and he says it's easy and we can do it ourselves." She patted Willow when she had another contraction. I could see her stomach moving and it was really fucking gross.
"I'm surprised he isn't dropping everything to be here," I muttered sarcastically. That fucker wanted the hell out of my Bella and it took everything in me not to rip his fucking head off every time he came over; which was way fucking more than necessary. Of course the one time the fucker would actually be welcomed he had to be otherwise occupied.
"They're having some trouble with their goat and it needs emergency surgery." I shook my head. Emergency surgery for a fucking goat? Just let it die. It was a fucking goat. "Jim said all we have to do is get a good grip on the legs and pull. There's some tool that you can use, it's sitting against the wall there, but I doubt you'll need it."
I glanced at the metal pole thing that I had no fucking idea how to use. "What is this you shit, Bella? I am not reaching inside your fucking cow. You do it."
"I can't!" she shouted, throwing up her hands and startling Willow, who shifted a little and let out a louder moo. She sighed and started petting her again. "I'm too scared that I'll hurt her."
"And if I fucking hurt her, you'll castrate me. No fucking way am I doing it, Bella."
"You won't hurt her." She looked at me with those pleading golden eyes again that turned me into the whipped fucking pussy that I was with her. I was not fucking bending on this though.
"How do you know? I don't know the first thing about delivering a baby."
She snorted. "Please, like you haven't mentally seen it about a billion times?"
I glared at her. "Contrary to popular belief, I do not loiter in people's mental fucking images of having a fucking baby. That shit is fucking gross, for one thing. For another, having a kid is different from having a cow apparently. I haven't heard of a doctor having to shove his fucking hands up a pussy to pull out a baby. Can't we cut the fucking thing out?"
"She'd die!" Bella screamed. Of course she fucking would. She was a cow. Cows fucking died. My wife was fucking insane. "We're not cutting open my Willow!"
She looked like she was about to lose her shit so I sought to calm her the fuck down. "Okay, baby, no cutting open the cow. That doesn't explain why I have to be the fucking one to reach inside her. She's your fucking cow. We established that when you decided to keep her instead of eating her like you were supposed to."
Bella gave me that look again. No fucking way was it working this time. "I can't do it, Edward. I'm too scared that I'll use too much strength and hurt the baby. Willow would be crushed."
I'd like to fucking crush Willow. "Baby, she's a fucking cow. I don't think they have quite the same sentiment for offspring as people do." As Bella fucking did. You'd think she was the god damn father of the fucking thing instead of Xander the fucking bull, who was currently snorting around the pasture, no doubt pissed off that we were nearby. It happened just like I fucking told her it would when she weaseled the thing out of me. He fucking hated us and tried to charge her every time she came into his territory. Not to mention the fact that he fucked every single one of the cows other than Tara, who I was convinced really was a fucking lesbian cow. She'd been put out ever since Willow got pregnant. Who knew cows could fucking sulk?
Now we not only had pregnant Willow, but also Anya, Buffy, Sookie, Bonnie and Elena. Only Tara remained a virgin. I fucking told her this shit would happen but she didn't listen to me. My only saving grace was that she seemed to be content with her fucking cow harem and she didn't want anymore. I think she was running out of vampire TV show names, since she refused to name one Cordelia when I suggested it. Her hatred for Cordelia continued to amuse the fuck out of me. I might have fueled the flames every time she made me watch that fucking show with her.
"Are you telling me that she doesn't have feelings?" Oh, there it was, the danger tone that told me I was walking a thin fucking line again. I'd learned my lesson the last time and we weren't going to fucking go there again. I wanted to get laid sometime within the next fucking year.
"Of course not, baby. You know she loves you." My tone was completely sincere even if my words were a fucking crock. "I just don't think cows have the same attachment to their babies as humans do."
"Willow will! She'll feed her and cuddle with her and play with her." I wisely didn't say a fucking thing, though I wanted to ask how the fuck cows cuddled. They didn't have fucking arms to wrap around each other. Maybe laying next to one another counted in Bella's eyes.
"Okay, baby. Anyway, the point was, I know nothing about cow birth. I'm afraid that in the billions of thoughts I've read, not one of them was about fucking cow labor."
"Haven't you seen City Slickers?"
What the ever living fuck was she talking about? "Rain jackets? What the fuck do those have to do with anything? Are they condoms? Do they make bull condoms?"
She looked at me as if I was a fucking moron, which admittedly I felt like one right about now. "It's a movie."
"Sounds like a porno. Which, if it is, we should totally watch because it would be fucking hot."
Bella reached over and hurled a shovel that was leaning against the wall at me. I dodged it, laughing. "It's not a porno! It's a movie about these guys going to a cattle ranch. Billy Crystal has to help a cow have her baby." Bella bit her lip and her eyes filled with sadness. "She had to be killed because she was dying but they saved the baby. I don't want Willow to die, Edward."
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, she slayed me. I walked over and knelt next to her and Willow on the uncomfortable fucking straw. I wrapped my arms around her and she leaned against me. "Willow won't die, baby. Cows have babies all the fucking time, just like people, and most of them are just fine."
She buried her face in my neck. "Will you help us, please?"
I sighed. I was fucking done for, as always when it came to my girl. "Yes, I'll help you." God fucking help me; I was going to be reaching up a cow's crotch and pulling out her fucking calf. Add that to the list of shit that I never thought I'd do in this fucking existence. Most of the shit, like falling in love and getting married had been great. I highly doubted this would be in the same fucking realm though. "What do I fucking do?"
I could tell Bella was distracted because I'd used the word "fuck" a shitload and she hadn't yelled about it once.
"You need to put on the gloves and then reach inside her and feel around for the legs. Grip them firmly and pull her gently out."
Yeah, that sounded fucking easy as hell if you weren't the one with your hands in a cow's fucking uterus. "I must really fucking love you."
She beamed at me and gave me a smacking kiss. "You do. And I really fucking love you too, which is why I'm going to jump your sexy body as soon as this baby is born and we're sure they're both okay."
And now I had even more fucking motivation to get the fucking cow out. I got up and put on the medical gloves, frowning at how short they were. "Bella, I think that…"
Willow let out a very loud moo and her stomach contracted again. "Edward, it's time! Reach in there!"
I could not fucking believe that I was doing this, but she looked so fucking scared as she stroked Willow's heaving side that I knew I had no choice. I crouched down next to her ass and wrinkled my nose. She smelled worse than usual, probably because of all sorts of disgusting shit like fluid and birth juice or whatever the fuck was going on down here. I pushed her tail out of the way and reached slowly toward her. This fucking cow better not kick me while she had a contraction or she could just have her fucking baby on her own. Seriously, why the fuck couldn't they just push them out like other animals?
Willow bellowed again and I saw her fucking hole actually open a little bit. So fucking gross. I wondered if this was going to put me off sex for awhile. No, that wasn't fucking possible.
"Hurry Edward," Bella pleaded, resting her head on Willows and crooning into her ear. Jesus fucking Christ, my girl was singing to a fucking cow. We both needed to go to Bellevue.
"I'm trying, Bella. This is not exactly something I've ever fucking done before." She continued to sing to Willow as I finally got to her fucking opening and started to push my hands in. I felt her contracting around me which was really fucking weird and gross and if I could fucking hurl I would be doing it right about now. As it was my stomach clenched and I gagged.
"Don't be a baby," Bella scolded, still not looking at me because she was all about her fucking cow, never mind the fact that I was the one who was sticking my hands inside her fucking vagina. It was the first time in history that I was inside a girl that I didn't fucking want to be. Well, the second time. Victoria was the first.
I gagged again when I felt the warm gushing fluid against my skin, because those fucking gloves were too short. This was so fucking disgusting. Her muscles gripped my forearms and I shuddered but kept going. The sooner I fucking got in there, the sooner I'd be done.
After what seemed like hours but was probably only a few seconds, I felt something hard with my left hand. I felt around and realized it was a leg, thank fucking God. I reached with the right as well and after a little groping, got a hold of the other leg. I heard a click and glanced up to see Bella taking pictures with her digital camera.
"You are not fucking taking pictures of me with my hands inside your fucking cow," I told her angrily.
"I'm recording the miracle of birth!" she replied with a little giggle. She was fucking enjoying my torture. Some wife she was.
"I'm breaking that camera," I told her, gripping the legs and starting to tug, as gently as fucking possible. Time to get this fucking thing out of her stupid fucking mother. Then I was going to kill fucking Xander so I would never have to go through this bullshit again. Then I was going to take a shower and scrub myself for about an hour and then I would fuck Bella for the rest of the day, because I'd fucking earned it.
"I think I'll send some pictures to Jenks. He'll get a kick out of it." She took another fucking photo while I glared at her.
"You will do no such thing. I have an image to maintain, and whipped pussy is not it. Only you get to see that."
She put down the camera and patted Willow again. "How are you doing?"
I knew she didn't give a damn how the fuck I was doing, so I didn't bother to tell her that I was in my own personal fucking hell. "I have the legs."
She lit up in a smile that warmed me despite the disgust I felt at what I was fucking doing. I moved painfully slowly, trying to ignore the gushing around me and the increasing speed of the contractions. If I moved too fast I'd probably rip the damn thing in half and then Bella would kill me.
I was finally only to my wrists inside the fucking cow. Freedom was so close. "All I do is keep pulling it out?" I asked. I couldn't fuck this up now, not after I'd already done the worst part.
"Yes," Bella told me, leaning forward excitedly as I began to pull my hands out of the fucking cow vagina, holding lightly onto the legs as I breathed a sigh of relief when my hands were no longer surrounded by convulsing uterus. Thank God that Bella couldn't have a baby. I could never live through the experience, nor could her doctor because I would kill him for touching her beautiful pussy.
The hooves were now out and I continued to pull slowly, trying to ignore how fucking disgusting the legs were, covered with blood and goo and God knew what else. I got the legs all the way out. "Now what?"
"Reach back inside." Fuck me, not again. "And help guide the head out. Then you can pull the legs again and she should come right out."
I bit back an angry retort and pushed my hands back inside, finding the head right away and positioning my hands on either side as I gently tugged it out as well. The head and front legs were now out and I gripped them again and pulled at the same time as Willow had another contraction and out the fucker popped, along with a gush of fluids that landed all over my shirt and jeans. I would rather get beaten with my grandfather's fucking cane than have this shit all over me, that's how fucking foul it was.
Bella was clapping and hugging Willow, like she'd done any fucking thing other than lay there and let me do all the fucking work. "It's a boy, Willow. You have a son!"
Willow responded to this by letting out a moo. There was your fucking motherly devotion. The cow, or fucking bull I guess, was pretty fucking comical, wobbling on his legs and looking confused as all hell. He was the spitting image of his soon to be dead fucking father, with tan fur and big, stupid eyes.
Bella crawled over next to me and wrinkled her nose in disgust at the sight of me. I gave her a look that dared her to fucking say something but she just leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss. "Thank you, Edward. You don't know what this means to me."
But I fucking did, because it shone in her eyes and her face was as nearly as happy as it was when we got married. She loved her fucking cows and I'd helped her with them so I was fucking golden. As it should be.
I stood up, pulling off the gloves as I readied to go shower and then burn my fucking clothes. Bella took my hand and stopped me from leaving.
"What should we name him?"
I rolled my eyes. Like there weren't plenty of fucking vampires to choose from? "I don't know. It's a good thing it's not a girl, you've run out of those names."
She giggled. "There's still plenty more." I feared what that fucking meant and hoped to God we weren't getting anymore DVDs. She grinned up at me. "I think maybe I'll name him after my favorite vampire."
I rolled my eyes. "Angel it is then."
She shook her head and kissed me again. It was hard not to pull her against me but I didn't want to make her disgusting too. Although, then we could shower together which would be a much more enjoyable activity.
I broke our kiss. "Who then?"
She reached up and trailed a finger down my nose. "Edward is my favorite vampire."
I grinned at her. "He is, is he? What show is he on?"
"The Story of My Life," she replied. "It's my favorite."
I kissed her again and this time, mindless of the fact that I was covered in cow afterbirth, she threw herself into my arms.
When we broke off, I smiled at her. "Mine too, but we're not naming a cow after me."
She giggled. "Okay, we'll call him Spike."
"You had that in reserve, didn't you?"
"Of course." Of course she fucking did. That was my fucking crazy ass girl. "Let's go take a shower." My fucking crazy ass, incredible girl.
"Okay. Then we're fucking. Then we're killing that bull."
She giggled and tugged me out of the barn, leaving Willow and Spike to bond or whatever the fuck cows did. "We could just castrate him, like we're going to have to do with Spike."
I stopped and stared at her. "I am not going to fucking touch another animal's balls, baby. I draw the fucking line right there."
Bella laughed uproariously. "Gotcha. We'll have the vet do it." She snapped a photo of my stunned ass and ran into the house, still chortling away.
Yeah, we'd have the vet do it. Maybe while he was busy handling their balls he could help me find mine. "Are you coming?" she called and I heard the water turn on. I ran inside. Who the fuck needed balls anyway?
A/N Remember, if you have any suggestions, let me know. I've got a few more to write but I'll happily accommodate whatever you like. Clearly my twisted mind has no boundaries. hehe Just think, there are more pregnant cows. The vet better show up for the rest of them though.
Thanks for reading!